Raging Moderate by Will Durst
Please be advised: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2010 are not to be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2010. They are as different as lasagna and asphalt. Ear wax and linoleum. A lunch-wagon sink trap and nuclear-lab clean rooms. Toe shoes and track cleats. Christian Science ministers and health insurance seminars.
Sure, sure, there were more serious stories involving death and destruction and devastation o’plenty but we tend to concentrate more on those narratives that offer a break from the tension — that allow us to view the desolation from the lighter side of the vast dark chasm. Like when Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Elena Kagan and the Chilean miners were disrupted by the Icelandic Volcano from attending the World Cup. A worthy account, yes; but alas, not esteemed enough for our list. So here they are, the stories from 2010 that most lent themselves to joshing and kidding and ribbing.
10. Dick Cheney’s Sixth Heart Attack. How does a guy without a heart have six heart attacks? It would be like Rod Blagojevich contracting a brain tumor. Cheney is so evil, Hell keeps spitting him back.
9. Barack Obama. True to his word, the 44th president managed to unite the country. Against him. Although, the two sides do view him through different prisms. The right sees him as Malcolm X. The left — Urkel.
8. Christine O’Donnell. Delaware Senatorial candidate claimed she’s not a witch. Then the local Wiccan community denied having anything to do with her. Which probably didn’t lead above the fold on her election eve mailer.
7. California Gubernatorial Candidate Meg Whitman. A Jerry Brown staffer called her a “ho” and she went ballistic. “It’s an insult to all women.” Nooooo, we’re pretty sure it was specific to you. Spends more than a seventh of a billion dollars on her campaign and still cuts her hair with a salad shooter. Go figure.
6. Glenn Beck. Attempts to reclaim the civil rights movement by holding a rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Because isn’t it about time angry, middle-aged, pudgy white guys got a fair shake from society?
5. Health Care. 2700 pages long. Or 2900. They’re still not sure. Lot of stuff can happen in 200 pages. I’ve read Harry Potter.
4. The TSA’s New Search Policy. Just direct me to the agent who didn’t volunteer for the gig.
3. Sarah Palin. At Tea Party Convention she criticized Obama for over-dependency on a teleprompter while she had notes written on her hand. Which is a 5th-grade teleprompter for people who can’t read fast. Every two weeks there’s something with her. Every two weeks, she erupts. She’s like Republican herpes. And I mean that in a good way.
2. George W. Bush’s Autobiography. Decisions Decided by the Deciding Decider. Wherein he talks about how glad he is to be out of Washington. That makes about 310 million of us. Online campaign urges customers to transfer book from Non Fiction to True Crime.
1. BP Oil Spill. Largest pile of toxic sludge to hit American shores since Ann Coulter’s latest book. Brightside: Able to refuel jet ski midtrip.
San Francisco-based political comic Will Durst writes sometimes, this being a laudable example, and expects 2011 to provide him with even richer grist. Catch Durst in stand-up mode at the 18th Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show. Dec. 26-Jan. 1. 6 comics. 7 cities. 8 shows. 2,347 laughs. willdurst.com or 415.820.9628.
Copyright ©2010, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail email@example.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.