This just in to the newsroom. It’s a hot summer day in July, so hot, you could fry an egg on the sidewalk, not that you’d want to eat it. Not in Hartford, or Bridgeport of course. Maybe in Greenwich where the sidewalks are paved with gold and so clean you could, in fact, eat off of them.
If you have to be outside today, exert yourself and don’t drink any liquids. None. Run as fast as you can, as far as you can. Lift very heavy things and put them down. Shoveling dirt would be good, or do a hundred laps around a flat asphalt-covered roof.
Know the symptoms of heat stroke. Ignore them. If you feel light-headed and disoriented, run faster until the sweat stings your eyes and your legs turn to rubber. Find a mirror, or some other reflective surface, like a store window. See if your cheeks are red. If they are, do deep knee bends until you pass out.
If you are elderly, do not, I repeat, do not go to a cooling center. Stay in your home with all the doors and windows shut and put on your winter coat. Even better, put on a sweater first and sit on a hot water bottle in the attic. Build a fire in the wood stove and turn the thermostat as high as it will go. Drink a bottle of Scotch warmed to room temperature. If you know of any elderly people living nearby, do not check on them. Ignore them. Pretend they don’t exist.
This message brought to to by the American Anti-Common Sense Society.