Raging Moderate by Will Durst
It’s all a dance, really. A Democratic president summons the gumption to call for higher taxes on the rich and Republicans cry like third graders having their ice cream taken away and given to the neighbor’s dog. Invoking the hoariest of chestnuts — that oldie but goodie — as predictable as mushy, green grapes in a fruit salad: The Class War Boogie.
For some reason, it’s always a war with these guys. The War on Christmas. Culture Wars. War on Terror. The Crusades. Then they accuse Democrats of being emotionally unequipped for battle. Well, which is it? You can’t have it both ways. Actually, you can. It just makes choosing which one to cruelly abandon to the wolves of winter that much more difficult. Or not.
When taxes are raised on the rich, that’s class warfare, but when subsidies are handed out to giant corporations who siphon jobs offshore so that rich people can have more money, that’s Trickle-Down Economics. What Barack should do is rename his efforts to balance the playing field: “Trickle-Up Economics.” That would, at least, confuse them. Although after watching the last couple of debates, confusion does not seem to be in short supply.
We’re not even allowed to call them rich anymore. They’re “job creators” now. And yes, jobs are being created. In Mexico. And Vietnam. And China. The American Dream is alive and well, just not here. It’s our own damn fault, really. American workers have ruined everything with their irrational demands for safe working conditions and a living wage. Who do we think we are? Stockholders?
Republicans have been as strident as a looped siren in a stainless steel silo in their opposition to a specific Obama proposal called the “Buffett Rule,” which calls for billionaires like Warren Buffett to pay the same tax rate as their secretaries. The GOP prefers the Jimmy Buffett Rule, which postulates that anybody worried about next month’s rent money should start drinking Margaritas until they pass out.
You know what, they’re right. It is a class war. The rich started it and their side is winning. They’ve bombed the middle class into submission burying jobs and pensions, playing chicken at the precipice with default to protect their precious aristocracy from paying one puny penny more in taxes. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap.
Forty percent of all income gains in the last decade have trickled up to the wealthiest 1 percent. The richest 400 families in this country control more money than the bottom 150 million people put together. We’re moving from Depression levels of income inequality into French Revolution territory. Isn’t that Madame Defarge over there in the corner, knitting?
What is it with the rich? How much money do they need? How many cars can one person drive? How many beluga caviar cream cheese canapÃ©s can they consume at a single cocktail party? How many silk pajamas with platinum threads can you spill your Dom Perignon White Gold Mimosa on at a time? Okay, three. That’s what Hilda is for. One of the things.
And these are the people complaining about a class war? You want rules, how ’bout the Rolex Tourbillon Rule? Mandating that any job creator wearing a watch worth more than a house who ever mentions class warfare, gets a hose shoved down his throat and goose liver pumped in until pate leaks from their ears. Less war-like. More food-fighty.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”
Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at email@example.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.