Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
What you need to play:
Four taxpayers: One white, Wall Street type in full suit and yellow power tie (MBA Guy); two ordinary folks sporting jeans, one in blue work shirt, other in white shirt (the Jeans); and one person wearing clothes that look like they were used for floor covering at a tire-changing shop for a minimum of three months, with belt, shoelaces, socks and underwear confiscated (Rags). Except for MBA Guy, game is non-gender or race specific.
One large screen HDTV tuned to speech. 42-inch or larger. Game played behind coffee table three feet away.
One regulation shot glass per person. Everybody brings own, placing it on coffee table. MBA Guy gets first choice among assembled. White shirt picks next, then blue shirt. MBA Guy takes last shot glass as well, and Rags either rents it from him, finds a replacement or drinks out of own cupped hands.
Everybody antes up 20 bucks. Cash. Except MBA Guy, who tosses in hand-made voucher. Preferably crayon.
Two packages Lit’l Smokies in bowl with favorite BBQ sauce.
One package round toothpicks.
One bottle small-batch Kentucky bourbon.
Two six-packs beer apiece. Rags gets whatever is on sale, i.e. Heileman’s Old Style Ice Dry Light. MBA Guy gets choice of import. The Jeans get domestic, and must go to store to purchase and carry provisions.
Rules of the game:
1. As soon as president says “State of the Union is good, but could be better,” last person to eat three Lit’l Smokies on toothpicks has to drink three shots of beer.
2. Every time Barack H. Obama says “compromise,” first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking two shot glasses of beer.
3. If either Vice President Biden or House Speaker Boehner gets caught napping on camera, last person to sing “Wake Up, Little Susie” drinks four shots of beer.
4. Whenever Mr. Obama says word “jobs,” everybody drinks shot of beer. If he hits 10, throw used toothpicks at TV and first to stick one within outline of his face doesn’t have to drink two shots of bourbon.
5. If Chief Executive winks and/or points at Michelle, all four players blow kisses. Drink shot of beer for every general’s star sitting within two seats of First Lady.
6. When Obama speaks about sacrifices made by our brave troops, last one to leap to attention and salute must drink shots of beer for entire duration of standing ovation.
7. Every time Barack uses phrase “offshore banking accounts,” clasp a Lit’l Smokie between the teeth and swordfight others. Losers drink 3 shots of beer and eat sausages. Winner can spit his out.
8. Whenever Obama makes reference to faith getting him through tough times, last person to fall to knees and shout “Hallelujah!” drinks shot of bourbon.
9. If president relates touching heartfelt story of somebody denied health care, Rags gets to kick everybody else once. Twice, if subject of anecdote is in audience. Three times, if he/she is sitting next to astronaut.
10. When Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship, last person to pretend to faint drinks three shots of beer.
Before speech, everyone writes down who they think is giving Republican response. Anybody who correctly identifies person doesn’t have to watch.
MBA Guy takes home all the money and the Jeans pay off voucher.
Leftover bourbon, beer and Lit’l Smokies go home with Rags after he/she washes dishes in front of TV.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Or don’t.
Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at email@example.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.