It’s becoming a widely accepted fact that Newt Gingrich is a vile, putrid gas-bag (no offense to bags) who sanctimoniously adorns himself in the Big & Tall cloak of old testament Christianity. Mitt Romney’s primary opponent is so utterly obsessed with happy and content gay couples seeking the inevitable misery of marriage that he overlooks his own complete and utter lack of marital commitment, as stipulated in the bible he so keenly thumps in order to secure the bigoted, religious right vote.

David Fitzsimmons / Arizona Daily Star (click to view more cartoons by Fitzsimmons)

Like so many of his fellow Republican presidential candidates, Newt flagrantly eschews Matthew 7:1, “Judge not that ye be not judged.”

Despite having more marriages under his belt than J-Lo, Newt continues to viciously attack same-sex marriage. And being the master of trickery and Wheaties Box champion of prevarication, Newt is always coming up with new and exciting fallacious reasoning to discredit gay couples from marriage. After all, comparing same-sex marriage to marrying a dog is so hilariously outdated.

In a conference call with leaders from the Religious Right, Gingrich compared gay marriage to paganism:

“It’s pretty simple: marriage is between a man and a woman. This is a historic doctrine driven deep into the Bible, both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, and [the attack on it is] a perfect example of what I mean by the rise of paganism. The effort to create alternatives to marriage between a man and a woman are perfectly natural pagan behaviors, but they are a fundamental violation of our civilization.”

Firstly, Newt must have been sleazing for Fannie Mae and missed the bible study that focused on marriage since, for Newt’s part, marriage is an arrangement between a man and a woman…and his girlfriend­, and his mistress, and his concubine.

Secondly, Newt is clearly trampling over the “freedom of religion” clause enshrined in the first amendment by suggesting that Paganism, a worldwide religion, is somehow illegal to practice.

Lastly, does Newt even know that so many of our cherished holiday traditions have been borrowed from Paganism? For example, putting up trees and decorating them with garland for Christmas. Newt Gingrich, a recent Roman Catholic convert, should not only understand Paganism but should understand that he’s actually a practitioner of it. Can anyone say Roman orgies? That is, the ancient tradition of fornication with individuals other than your husband or wife, which is precisely what Newt was doing with Callista before he asked wife the 2nd if she wanted an “open marriage“. Gingrich might as well put a horseshoe over his door since an “open marriage” sounds awfully Pagan to me.

Sadly, trying to rationalize with the religious right (or the power-hungry pretend one) is as fruitful as asking a dog why he licks himself.

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