Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
It’s time to start worrying about Mitt Romney. Seriously. The guy may just be running the worst campaign ever. And yes, that includes the McDLT, print ads for organic hemp underwear and France in ’39. Not to mention McCain/Palin in ’08. Which currently holds the gold standard for lousy campaigns. Sure to be a Hall of Fame inductee in a couple years.
Willard has taken bad to a whole new level. Bad like a dumpster behind a fish market during a garbage strike bad. Bad like a three-dollar Dark Knight Rises DVD bought off a Times Square cardboard table with Albanian subtitles bad. Bad like Todd Akin at a NARAL benefit bad. Bad doubled down. Beyond breaking bad to the point of broken bad.
And every time the former Governor of Massachusetts opens his mouth, it gets worse. He’s tone deaf, tongue tied, logically challenged and as approachable as a near-sighted porcupine in heat. The Anti Ray Romano — Nobody Loves Mitt.
So uncomfortable around real people, you can practically hear him whisper “icky, icky, icky,” under his breath while shaking hands at rallies. You know there’s an aide with a bottle of hand sanitizer waiting for him on the bus. Maybe even a 55-gallon drum connected to a shower head.
Got caught on a secret video calling 47 percent of those real people moochers and malingerers. Shirking, entitled victims dependent on the government for food. Food. Mmmm. That’s us. Just can’t get enough of that government cheese. You know what this country needs? A good five-cent government cracker.
The impression is that, 1: he was pandering to his rich donor buddies or, 2: the poster child for the 1 percent really believes what he said. Either way — awkward! And that massive pounding sound you hear is a herd of stampeding elephants running away from what they fear might be contagious.
Said he wouldn’t concern himself with that 47 percent, which depresses his most ardent supporters, because “Hell, that’s more than half!” One major problem with insulting 47 percent of the American public is that at least 58 percent of them worry that you think they’re part of that 47 percent, and you know 112 percent of America believes that. They do. Bet you $10,000.
The video’s release obscured the Romney campaign’s much-ballyhooed new design to sharpen its message. Would have been interesting to see how many truckloads of flint they were going to use to try and put an edge on that much smoke. Honing fog.
His own staffer warned us. The Etch-a-Sketch has been turned upside down. Prepare to be shaken. Problem is, you keep rebooting something as stiff as Mitt and it starts short-circuiting all over the place. Romney 8.0. Better than Romney 7.0. Now with Desperation.
Maybe it’s the extra-large silver spoon in his mouth that keeps him from seeing the view from the middle class. Can’t understand why they don’t pull themselves up by the bootstraps like he did when his daddy loaned him his first million.
With the debates still to come, there’s time to turn this race around. But this far in, it’s like turning the Titanic. After hitting the iceberg. And the helm is underwater. Face it, if Bain Capital were running Mitt’s campaign right now, they’d close it down, fire him and hire some Chinese guy to do it better and cheaper.
Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst has a new e-book: “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink. Available at redroom.com or amazon.
Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail email@example.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.