A pal o’ mine recently came up from Washington, D.C. to Wilmington, Delaware on Amtrak to meet me, and I welcomed him with, “beautiful station, isn’t it? Joe Biden got us federal money to fix it up, but he forgot we need a down escalator, and the arrival & departure sign is junk, but, hey, isn’t it nice?” My friend asked, “Do you think Joe Biden will go on the attack against Paul Ryan?”
I gave him the obvious Delaware answer: “Look, you ask Joyce at the Charcoal Pit on 202. She’s been there 34 years waiting tables. Literally 34 years. Wonderful lady. Great burgers. You want a juicy burger and chocolate malted, that’s what she’ll bring you. You tell Joe to tell Ryan he’ll shove rosary beads down his throat, that’s what he’ll do. Literally, it’s the same thing. We’re going there for a chocolate sundae tonight. Sprinkles, yes. Rosary beads, no.”
“Ask my pal Nick, who owns the Kozy Korner restaurant in Little Italy. It’s a real place, not like that fake Katy’s Joe made up. Nick makes a quick breakfast and gets your eggs and bacon just right. If you tell him his eggs are too runny, he’ll fix it. That’s what Joe does except with fake stuff, like Katy’s.”
“So Joe will hit Ryan with Romney’s 5 trillion in tax cuts, saying it benefits the rich even though we know Romney’s plan is to balance it with eliminating tax loopholes like he did in Massachusetts. Yup, just like Nick knows the price of eggs, we all know Governor Romney brought in hundreds of millions more tax dollars in Massachusetts closing bank loopholes and more. Biden will pretend it never happened and then whack Ryan upside the head with the theme that he won’t protect ‘women’s health’ and wants them to die in emergency rooms, when the real truth is Ryan co-sponsored a bill that would allow medical professionals to claim “conscientious objector” status and not be forced to perform abortions or assist in performing abortions.”
“It’s kinda like Chris Matthews’ lie that Mitt Romney said he “wants” Americans to get healthcare in emergency rooms. He never said that. Matthews made that up. And liberals love it.”
“So, Joe’s gotta… GOTTA punk Ryan right in the chops with all that and social security. Joe said the Democrats will not… literally… NOT change social security. Paul Ryan and a bunch of Democrats, Republicans and wonky policy experts agree social security will be bringing in 75 cents for every dollar it pays out in 2033. Doesn’t matter. Joe’s message will be Ryan wants your mom and grandma to be… literally… in the street.”
“Look. My dad was a marketing guy. Rode the train every day… literally…every day, fighting traffic, struggling against the crowds into the city, battling the newspaper vendors and suffering through two martini lunches. He was a good man. Still is, except when he’s not. After one hard day of double martinis and two marketing presentations to unforgiving executives and a couple more drinks in the bar car, he trudged up the stairs to my room at night and said… now listen… he literally said this, ‘One day, someone is going to need you to tell their story and you really… really need to share that story so other people can benefit from that story and live better lives even if the story isn’t true.’ That’s why Obama tells the story about his mom fighting her health insurance company from her hospital bed even though she wasn’t. She had a dispute with her disability insurance company. But that doesn’t matter, and that’s what Joe is going to do for all the folks in swing states who really need this President to squander billions on crony green-scheme campaign bundlers and wall streeters.”
Putting my hands firmly upon each of his shoulders and peering sincerely into my friend’s blinking eyes, I passionately explained, “That’s what Joe needs to do for all the swing state Joyces, Nicks and dads. He literally… literally needs to beat the living hell out of Ryan and say anything at all, true or not, that earns political points for the sake of truth and justice.”
Fellow travelers scooting wheeled suitcases around the Wilmington Amtrak station stared at my friend’s drooping jaw and cueball-size eyeballs while we looked at each other for what seemed, literally, minutes. Finally, he asked me, “Do all you Delaware guys talk like this?”
I said, “Waddya mean, ‘Delaware?’ I’m from Scranton.”
© Copyright 2012 Rick Jensen, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.
Rick Jensen is Delaware’s Award-Winning Conservative Talk Show Host on 1150AM WDEL and 93.7FM HD3, Streaming live on WDEL.Com from 1pm – 4pm EST. Contact Rick at email@example.com, or follow him on Twitter@JensenVoiceover.