Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
Normally when the general public ponders Texas, a whole lot of big sky and rugged individualism and generosity of spirit springs to mind. The thought of progressive politics is probably farther away than Bedouin olive trays are to an armadillo. But that’s exactly what’s going on right now as the country’s most heroic representatives try their darndest to protect the Lone Star State’s most precious commodity. The lives of our precious yellow roses. Our lady folk.
Things have gotten hotter than a stolen load of chili peppers on I-10 during rush hour since a couple of Texas state troopers respectfully confiscated one or two tampons from female gallery members during a legislative debate on a bill that would guarantee the medical safety of prairie princesses in trouble who have lost their way. And now, a whole slew of crazy-with-the-heat Eastern busybody biddies have gone and made a big ole fuss over what was an itty-bitty little thing. You ask me, some of these gals are more confused than a flock of starving goats on AstroTurf.
Because, hooo weee, all hell broke loose three ways to Sunday. From the pitch of their yell, you’d have thunk the barn burned down, the creek dried up and the plow done broke. Hold your horses, little ladies. No sense making a mountain out of a molehill. Don’t you get it? All we’re doing is looking after your best interests here. Simmer the heck down before you bust a bustle.
Every decent god fearing person across this grand land agrees that abortions are a crime against nature and we’re just following the lead of you darn liberals so intent on protecting people from themselves. No need to get your petticoats in a bundle. If loving you is wrong, we don’t want to be right.
You know what happened? Its funny, you’re going to laugh like a mule in a whore house. What it was, was — a big old misunderstanding. We were worried that a few no-good, professional Yankee rabble-rousers might whip our meadow treasures into some hysterical frenzy that would cause those ranch jewels to start tossing feminine products from the balcony. And you and I and he and she all want that the same way turkeys want trousers.
Little darlings, you got to believe us, your welfare is our only concern. And that is why… we let the boys with the guns in. See, the whole dang thing was done with your protection in mind. Listen here. Don’t get your dander up. This situation only marginally concerns you. This is politics, and it’s complicated: a lot more going on than you need to know about. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads, we got the situation under control like 40 pitchforks on a haystack.
You just sit back and let us men folk take care of everything. If you really want to help, why not bake us up a nice plate of those award-winning peanut butter cookies of yours? Honey, don’t you pay those commie pinko lesbians no never good mind. They’re more full of wind than a bean-eating horse. Some of those gals make hornets look cuddly. And you go right on wearing those pink sneakers if it suits you. All us good ol’ boys think they sure look cute.
Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new one-man show, “Boomeraging: From LSD to OMG,” every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for more info. Or willdurst.com.
Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at firstname.lastname@example.org. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. Email Will at email@example.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.