Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
It’s time to address the burning question singeing the lips of every American this summer: What will happen to Bryan Cranston’s pork pie hat after “Breaking Bad” ends its run? Okay, maybe that’s No. 2. The big one is who’s going to be the Democratic presidential candidate in November of 2016? Thirty-eight months and counting.
Having gone almost a year without the least meager of Presidential Race morsels to munch on, journos are doing whatever it takes to jump-start a tasty plate of appetizers. Also, it’s August, which means politically, there’s less going on in Washington than a vacuum in a crater at the southernmost base of Neptune’s thirteenth moon.
If you suspect this might all be a bit premature. YES. INDEED. YOU BET. Your instincts are correct, sir. This sort of speculation normally doesn’t kick into gear until a year and a half out; two years, tops, but the accelerated pace is today’s norm. Rapid is the new sauntering. Welcome to Extreme Campaigning. 24/7.
Of course, they do have a point. President Barack Obama’s second term has already entered its seventh month. It is more than an eighth over. The guy is history. Spent. Taking up space. Got the “How Can We Miss You If You Won’t Go Away” Blues. Way beyond lame duck, he’s a differently-bled turducken. A quadriplegic platypus. His goose is undergoing severe cookage.
Barack could nip the suspense in the bud by stepping down and giving Joe Biden a leg up. Because the job will not be Biden’s for the taking. He’s going to need a crowbar the size of Idaho to pry the nomination from a certain someone who’s already spent eight years in the White House. Albeit, in the East Wing. And not baking cookies, thank you very much.
Even the GOP considers that former tenant their major threat since they’ve launched a couple preemptive strikes against the Clinton of Hillary. And isn’t it refreshing to see them get past their internal squabbles to concentrate on what’s really important to the party?
They’ve threatened to boycott NBC and CNN if the networks run planned specials on the former first lady, and have taken to calling her… too old. That’s right. Republicans. The party of Reagan. Same guys who ran Bob Dole, whose campaign slogan was, “Hey you punks, get off my lawn.” Can’t wait for them to charge her with being too white as well. And too rich.
Last time Hillary was the front-runner it didn’t turn out too well, and other names being bandied about are: Andrew Cuomo, Rahm Emanuel and Cory Booker, who just locked up the Democratic slot for the New Jersey Senate special election to fill the seat vacated by the late Frank Lautenberg.
Booker may be the biggest wild card. Imagine Ms. Hill is sweating like a squad of Sumos in a sauna just thinking about a young charismatic fast-track black guy serving less than one full term in the Senate hijacking her coronation ceremony. Again.
His staff encouraged Bill Clinton to be Bill Clinton, with “Let the Big Dawg Eat.” This time, it’s more of a “Let the Pantsuit Dance.” And everyone better start paying attention or the handicapping of the 2020 race will begin as well. My money’s on Chelsea.
Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new one-man show, “Boomeraging: From LSD to OMG,” every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for more info. Or willdurst.com.
Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at firstname.lastname@example.org. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. Email Will at email@example.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.