Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
Due to recent massive chirpage from a group of wicked haters, now is the time for all good brahs and shorties to rally to the defense of California. It is so exceedingly inconceivable that everyone can’t not see that Cali is so primo prime compared to every other state in the union, that it is not even close to being funny, right?
Not trying to get all up in your grill, just what happens when you’re way so much more better than everyone else put together. We got the swag, so stick it, you derpy Darwin deniers.
One reason for the unquestionable preponderation of California’s unrivaled dopeness is one: our awesome humility, duh, but also how all the beasts on the planet roll right here like they’ve been pulled by our magnetic force of sheer awesomeness. So, okay, maybe we’re not all brain surgeons. But then, who is? Except brain surgeons. Double duh.
And two: We G Staters are so mellow to the max that no one cares about a person’s sex or creed or color or any of that wack stuff. Although we do tend to askew old people, who, let’s face it, are mad creepy. Like, what’s the deal with their skin? Its all blotchy and stuff. Moisturize, old dudes. But we still love them. And the Mexicans. They’re tight too. But our absolute faves are old Mexicans.
We especially dig the fringes. Mainstream is hella lamestream. Totes cray cray is where it’s at. In Cali, at least one new religion sprouts up every day. And the goddess blesses us with the best bookoo candy rays on the planet. Making us straight up the breadbasket of the world. Although to be honest, no one really eats bread anymore.
As a matter of fact, all my besties are vegetarians. And we don’t just have milling-run vegetarians, we have organic heirloom artisanal vegetarians. Roving bands of militant vegans. Who will smack you upside the head. You won’t feel a thing, but you got to pretend, otherwise you’ll hurt their feelings. And nobody wants that, right? Awkward!
Of course, the people we love most is… ourselves. And why? Because of our totally awesome incredibleness! You want to know how totally legit we are? We tolerate anybody and anything. Except the intolerant. Those people we simply cannot abide. And hypebeasts.
And that’s another great thing about us. We totally respect all cultures no matter how twisted but then we’re also free to ridicule and dis them with the same mad enthusiasm. For real.
Because we know how you raggedy posers should live your lives. Came to us in a vision. We were just chillin in our $120 yoga pants, when bam! No, it wasn’t a Le Creuset heritage cast iron frying pan (although they’re off the hook for ratatouille), it was enlightenment! And if you don’t believe the same as we do, then you are just bugging and crusty and fizzle and should stay in whatever ratchet hellhole you live, which is anywhere that’s not here.
But we love you anyway. Because in California everyone is free to love everyone else. That’s the law. Which, admittedly, is kind of confusing, but that is so us, right? And now my head hurts. But got to bounce. Got a double bacon cheeseburger creeping me. YOLO.
Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new one-man show, “Boomeraging: From LSD to OMG,” is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org for more info. And check out the trailer for the new documentary, “3 Still Standing.” youtube.com/watch?v=2gYdCBlQIEc
Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at email@example.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. Email Will at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.