Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
Avast me mateys. Off the starboard bow. Thar she blows. Looks like the Chris Christie juggernaut hit its first iceberg. And harpoons are flying in from multiple quarters. Back on the Jersey Shore, Hillary Clinton’s people and Rand Paul’s people are partying so loud and hard, Snooki and JWoww’s people are banging on doors demanding they keep it down.
Rumors that Governor Juggernaut was a petty and vindictive bully have rattled across the borders of the Garden State for quite some time. So when it was revealed that aides shut down two-thirds of the lanes on the George Washington Bridge to punish Fort Lee’s mayor for not endorsing him, it sounded as in-character as the bolts on Baron von Frankenstein’s little buddy. Funny thing is, when you think of the porcine politico and major arteries being clogged, traffic patterns are not what springs to mind.
Christie, however, claims to have had nothing to do with the allegations. And attempted to prove it by getting rid of the guilty staffers quicker than a shower shank thrust to a snitch. If throwing people under a bus were an Olympic event, Chris Christie would be waving from the top of the podium wearing a double-XL tracksuit in Russia next month. Fortunately, the bus was stuck in traffic and never moved.
The fact is, either he knew about the GW Bridge closure and did nothing about it, which makes him a cretinous toad: or he had no idea that his staff closed down the bridge, which makes him a frigging idiot. And nobody thinks Chris Christie is a frigging idiot. Especially him.
Evidenced during a monumental press conference, where he fielded questions from reporters for almost 2 hours. He didn’t answer many of them, but that’s not the point. His peculiar attraction is authenticity and he went to great pains to appear authentically contrite and apologetic. As well as self-enamored. He’s definitely a role model for that small group of plus-sized Americans big enough to have a bromance with themselves.
You do have to give it to the Tony Soprano of politics for not trying to hide behind a rock. Of course, the Himalayas being outside of New Jersey could be partly responsible for that. But two hours? Have we learned nothing from Nixon? Christie dug potential potholes big enough for both him and his special purpose to sink into.
Some experts worry this is going to end badly with construction crews forced to remove the Capitol rotunda so that cranes can lift Chris Christie and his ego out to safety in order to undergo an operation that will staple together his lips.
Then again, the whole country should get down on its knees and thank god that when Governor Bridge & Tunnel did get into trouble, it wasn’t for texting naked pictures of his junk to anybody. Wouldn’t have been able to scrape that image off our collective retinas with a belt sander.
It’s becoming obvious that this guy doesn’t run a Banana Republic, he is a Banana Republic. No man is an island, but some are pretty close to peninsulas, and this particular land mass still has to be considered the odds-on favorite for the 2016 GOP nomination. He’s too big to fail, and will also most likely prove to be too big to jail.
Will Durst is a nationally acclaimed and award-winning political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” and his calendar of personal appearances.
Copyright ©2014, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at email@example.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. Email Will at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.