The year gone by was marked by a tangle of stories involving midterm elections, grand juries and scandalous outfits worn by Sasha and Malia Obama. No need for a tedious yearend recap. Here instead is a precap of news certain to break in 2015:
JAN. 1 – President Obama ushers in the New Year with a passel of executive orders. In one action likely to anger Republicans, the president announces that Mark Udall of Colorado and Kay Hagan of North Carolina, along with other defeated Democrats, will not be forced to leave the Senate for three years. “We must deal with the fact,” explained the president, “that our election system is broken.”
JAN. 6 – As the 114th Congress convenes, GOP leaders pledge to “reach across the aisle” and swiftly pass a bill making Ronald Reagan’s birthday, Feb. 6, a federal holiday.
JAN. 18 – Yielding to public pressure, the Washington Redskins unveil a name change. “We should honor our players’ heritage,” states owner Dan Snyder in announcing that his team will now be called the Washington Darkies.
FEB. 6 – As the nation pauses to celebrate Ronald Reagan’s birthday, President Obama signs an executive order delaying the holiday for three years.
FEB. 10 – Two more women, identified only as Jane Doe 121 and Jane Doe 122, report inappropriate sexual behavior by the comedian Bill Cosby. Cosby’s lawyer says he expects another “hundred or so” women to come forward with “copycat fabrications.”
FEB. 12 – After studying what the White House calls “a proportionate response in kind” to North Korea’s hacking at Sony, the CIA places a fake online order for 2,250 pizzas to be delivered to Kim Jong-un.
MAR. 9 – A drone operated by Amazon makes an emergency landing in the Hudson River. Miraculously, none of the 127 packages onboard is damaged.
APR. 17 – Hillary Clinton riles supporters in Iowa by demanding a $300,000 fee to speak at her own fundraising barbecue.
MAY 17 – Millions watch the final episode of AMC’s “Mad Men.” In the closing scene, Don, Roger and Joan occupy a booth at a diner in Hollywood. Outside, Peggy parks her car on Melrose Ave.; inside, a stranger enters the restroom. A bell rings and Don looks up. The screen cuts to black.
MAY 15 – Blonk, a free app that allows users to keep track of their apps, is released with 250,000 downloads in the first hour.
MAY 24 – Kim Kardashian and Kanye West renew their wedding vows in a quiet ceremony while orbiting in Virgin Galactic.
JUNE 11 – Blonk’s creator, 16-year-old Jon Blonk, tells investors that his goals are “to build a worker-friendly campus in Palo Alto, and create some kind of revenue stream.”
JUNE 15 – At a Rose Garden gathering, President Obama names New York City’s Global Welcome Ambassador, Taylor Swift, the new U.N. Ambassador.
JULY 2 – In advance of its IPO, Blonk is valued by Wall Street analysts at $45 billion.
JULY 11 – President Obama signs an executive order making mint chocolate chip the state ice cream in Illinois.
AUG. 26 – The Pentagon dispatches 100 non-combat advisers to assist Iraqi troops in determining whether they’re fighting ISIS or ISIL.
SEPT. 1 – Kim Jong-un names Dennis Rodman North Korea’s Global Welcome Ambassador.
SEPT. 8 – The state of Texas distributes revised high school science books that painstakingly document how Obamacare promotes the spread of homosexuality and Ebola.
SEPT. 25 – GOP leaders quash a bill introduced by House Democrats requiring presidential candidates to wear body cameras during private meetings with corporate donors.
OCT. 14 – Variety reports that ABC-TV will use catchy titles to attract larger audiences, beginning with a new crime series called “Season Finale.”
NOV. 25 – President Obama pardons the National Thanksgiving Turkey, noting that if the bird meets certain requirements it will be granted citizenship.
DEC. 1 – Inspired by the success of Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber releases a Christmas album of duets with Debbie Reynolds.
DEC. 10 – Jon Blonk is Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, edging out Amb. Taylor Swift.
DEC. 31 – Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Rand Paul, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz create a tempest on Twitter when each posts a New Year’s Eve greeting claiming ownership of the hashtag #SweetSixteen.
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. His book, “Cautiously Optimistic,” is available at Amazon.com and CandidCamera.com.©2014 Peter Funt. Columns distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc., newspaper syndicate.