“Let’s go, he can’t hit, he can’t hit.”

“Stop the game! How dare you suggest that the batter, an innocent 12-year-old child who only wants to make contact with the ball, cannot hit! Have you considered how your ridicule will harm his self-esteem? As the umpire of this game, I forbid you to utter such taunts again. Play ball!”

Bill Schorr / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Schorr)

“We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!”

“Stop the game! I see the other team is just as offensive. How dare you suggest the pitcher lacks the skill to throw the ball over the plate. Perhaps, through no fault of his own, he has an affliction that causes his skin to itch. I don’t want to hear that again. Play ball!”

“Swing battah, swing battah, swing!”

“Stop the game! How dare you make the batter swing before he is good and ready. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit a little white ball with a bat? How dare you try to embarrass him while his family watches. I better not hear such words again. Play ball!”

“We want a pitcher, not a glass of water!”

“Stop! A glass of water! You’re suggesting the pitcher is weak and unstable like some clear fluid? Do you have any idea how hard it is to throw a ball over the plate knowing the batter might hit a home run? How would that make you feel? No more water comments. Now play ball!”

“He’s not a batter, he’s a broken ladder!”

“Stop the game! Broken ladder! You’re suggesting the batter is skinny and gangly the way a ladder is? What’s worse, he’s like a broken ladder? The next kid who makes a ladder comment will be ejected from this game. Play ball!”

“He’s not a pitcher, he’s an underwear stitcher!”

“Stop! An underwear stitcher! Has it occurred to you that the pitcher may be from a poor family? Maybe he has only one or two pairs of underwear that his mother has to repair. How dare you make fun of someone who has so much less than you. Now play ball!”

“He’s not a hitter, he’s a baby sitter!”

“Stop! Baby sitter! What is that supposed to mean? That a boy can’t be sensitive and caring and still hit a baseball? Or that if he is sensitive and nurtures a child then he can’t hit at all? How dare you. Now play ball!”

“Whoop de do, you throw like my sister Sue!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! It’s not enough for you to attack someone’s self-esteem, but now you bring gender politics into it. Now you suggest that girls are not equal to boys? Is that it? Is that the kind of world you want to live in?

“It’s no wonder that Little League associations around the country are banning taunting and chatter. MSNBC reported on the trend. Something must be done to stop some kids from assailing the self-esteem of others.

“I know some believe the chatter ban is outrageous. They say chatter has been a part of baseball — it pulls kids together and keeps them from daydreaming.

“They say traditional chatter is useful. Baseball teaches children lessons about life — teaches them about competition, success, failure and adversity. They say that in the real world, some people will root against you — that chatter exposes kids to this concept in a harmless way.

“They say that the ban has little to do with kids anyway. The kids can handle the gentle ribbing. It’s the parents who can’t handle it. And since many parents have micromanaged every other aspect of their child’s life, they’re trying to micromanage Little League baseball, too.

“Maybe that is true, but I want you to know this. As long as I am umpiring this game, there shall be no more taunting of any pitcher or any hitter. Now play ball!”

“He’s not a catcher, he’s a nose scratcher!”

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari Dawson Bartley at Cari@cagle.com.. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Great Britain’s Daily Mail newspaper reports that the study, commissioned by Nickelodeon UK, examined differences in maturity between men and women. It found both sexes agree that men are far less mature and women reach full maturity 11 years sooner.

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cam)

Some examples: Men still have their mothers do their laundry, laugh when they burp or break wind, snicker at dirty words and don’t know how to cook even the most basic meals.

Compare such modern males to my father.

He was 3 when his father died in 1937 — in the thick of the Great Depression.

His mother had to work full-time to support him and his sister, and she worried constantly about them both — particularly about my father.

He was immature when males are supposed to be, as a boy, and he got into a bit of mischief, pulling pranks and doing the things boys used to do.

He once told me that he and his lads thought it a funny idea to set a large rock onto trolley tracks. A trolley made a spectacular noise when it hit the rock, scraped along and nearly jumped off the tracks — but luckily, nobody got hurt.

My father’s mischievous ways were finally tamed in the ninth grade when his school’s football coach persuaded him to join the team. The coach became a father figure to my dad — who discovered a talent for carrying a football with power and speed. (He was inducted into the Carrick Football Hall of Fame about 15 years ago.)

Football taught him responsibility. It matured him.

He was only 16 when he met my mother and that matured him, too. His dream was to marry her and, soon out of high school, he began searching various opportunities so he could provide for a family.

He passed on college football scholarships, disappointing his mother and coach, to try his hand at pattern-making and plumbing. His plans were interrupted when he got drafted into the Army, but when he returned two years later, he found a secure position with the telephone company.

By the time he was 23, he was married, with his first daughter — to be followed by five more children over the years.

His entire life was devoted to working hard to provide for his family. He never kept more than $5 a week for himself to buy an occasional cup of coffee.

It’s amazing how rapidly things have changed from his generation to today’s.

My father will be 80 next month. Until he retired, his entire adult life was about work and sacrifice. His only respite was enjoying a few ice-cold beers when he got home at night or an after-dinner nap on the back porch. He was fully mature in his 20s — a maturity born out of necessity.

Perhaps if my father had been born in the modern era, he would be just as lackadaisical as today’s males. But then again, my father had to mature to win my mother’s heart, so they could have a home and a family and a good long life together — and that is exactly what they accomplished.

In any event, it is true that modern males are maturing later, which explains this joke:

Q: Why are men so much better at psychoanalysis than women?

A: Because when it is time to go back to their childhood, men are already there.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari Dawson Bartley at Cari@cagle.com. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I don’t know what I was thinking: In 1973, when I was 11, I flushed an apple core down the toilet, an action I would come to regret.

Bill Day / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Day)

As it went, my father had remodeled our basement into a family room. He installed the inexpensive pine paneling common to the times. He also built a small bathroom, which would be the bane of his existence for more than 30 years.

My father, always looking to save a buck — he had six kids to feed, after all — bought the cheapest toilet he could find. It never did work right. He spent much of his spare time unplugging it.

Armed with this knowledge, then, it is remarkable I did what I did.

One Sunday morning, after chomping on a large Washington apple, I lay on the family room couch, too lazy to go upstairs to the kitchen to dispose of it. (My father warned against throwing apple cores in the downstairs garbage can, as they would draw ants.)

About then I noticed, some 12 feet away, that the toilet lid was up. In a moment of insanity, I aimed the core at the toilet and flicked my wrist. The core floated majestically in the air, a perfect trajectory, and landed in the center of the bowl with a satisfying “kir-plunk!”

I flushed it and never gave it another thought.

Six months later, another clogging was reported with that toilet. As fate would have it, this happened on a Sunday morning. I lay on the couch, holding another Washington apple. I watched television, while my father fought to free the plug.

But nothing would free it. The plunger failed, but not before my father was soaking wet. Two jars of Drano had no effect. Even the plumber’s snake, which my father always borrowed from the Krieger’s next door when all other measures failed, was unable to dislodge the blockage.

In a fit of rage, my father unbolted the toilet from the floor. In one mighty heave, he lifted it off its mount and set it in front of the television. My mother was there by now, desperately trying to calm him. I walked over for a closer look, horrified by what I was about to witness.

My father knelt before a black hole in the floor. Despite mother’s protestations, he reached his mighty paw inside it, then his forearm, then his biceps. His head was now pressed against the damp floor, the veins in his temples ready to explode.

His eyes lit up. He had something. He carefully removed his biceps, then his forearm, then his paw. He was on his knees now staring at his clenched fist. He unpeeled his fingers slowly. In the center of his palm was a black, rotten apple core.

I could go into detail about my father’s incredible reaction — how he ran through the house shouting, “Who the hell flushed an apple core down the toilet?” I could describe the shock and horror he felt when he discovered that I, his 11-year-old son and only hope in carrying on the family name, was the imbecile who did it.

But I won’t. I will tell you I was paralyzed with fear that day, a fear born out of respect. My father loved me and wanted the best for me, I know now. He wanted me to master basic virtues — certainly to master common sense — and I’d failed him.

At the time, it would have been great if he were a father like the hapless idiots portrayed on television these days. But lucky for me he was, and still is, a man. Unlike too many fathers today, he was firm and strong and unafraid to confront me and discipline me in the unpleasant challenge of preparing me for life.

The hard feelings the apple core incident caused have mostly been forgotten. Still, every now and then I receive a call late at night. I answer and hear a familiar male voice:

“Why the hell did you flush an apple core down the toilet?”

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“That’s false. I eat tofu for breakfast.”

“But we found your name on a donor list of a group that sought 501(c)(4) status to promote the founding principles of the U.S. Constitution!”

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

“You’re mistaking me for someone else with the same name. I listen to Barry Manilow records.”

“We also found your name on another donor list of a group seeking 501(c)(4) status that wanted to promote the findings of the Bowles-Simpson Commission. This group was established by President Obama, who promptly ignored its sensible recommendations for fiscal sanity.”

“That wasn’t me. I like independent French films in which the beautiful female protagonist concludes life isn’t worth living.”

“Just admit who you are: a tea-party rabble-rouser who stands in the way of the progressive movement.”

“That’s not so. I like activist government. And I often yell at my barista for over-steaming the milk in my latte.”

“Who do you think you’re fooling? You write a weekly newspaper column in which you routinely express concern for runaway government spending.”

“You’re confusing me with some other fellow. The only thing I do routinely is attend Cher concerts.”

“Admit it. You think the government should drop ObamaCare and start over with a sensible bipartisan approach that doesn’t produce so many unintended consequences.”

“That isn’t so. I consider it my patriotic duty to pay higher insurance premiums to support a program that is doing the opposite of what it promised: to rein in soaring health-care costs. I even read John Maynard Keynes speeches in my leisure time.”

“You don’t fool me, conservative. I’ve seen your tax returns. You surely think your income taxes are too high.”

“That isn’t so, either. It is my duty to pay high taxes so that politicians can dole out billions to crony capitalists who waste it on alleged ‘green’ technologies that end up not working. I even once picketed an oil company for making too much money.”

“Nice try, you cut-government-spending fool. You probably think you have a right to keep and bear arms, too, because your conservative mind is paranoid and fearful.”

“The truth is, I’m fearful of guns, and even though I live in a more rural area — it could take a while for my police department to arrive in the event of a burglary — I would never arm myself for personal protection or go through the proper training to ensure gun safety. Also, I gave up meat and fish and eat only vegetables.”

“You’re mighty clever for a small-minded conservative, but I see right through you. You’re fearful of an ever-expanding government, because you believe that as government grows, it can’t help but inhibit personal freedoms.”

“That’s not true. President Gerald Ford was wrong when he said, ‘A government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have.’ I think our government SHOULD put it to people who are well-off and buy votes by giving that money to others. And I’m the founding member of a Teddy Kennedy fan club.”

“I’m onto your game. You’re concealing your real convictions and beliefs because you fear your government will use powerful agencies to target and intimidate you. You’re doing what many conservatives who feared being audited or otherwise harassed did in the run-up to the last election. You actually believe what Thomas Jefferson said: ‘When government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny.’”

“That isn’t true. And as proof, I display an ‘I Love Jimmy Carter’ bumper sticker on my car.”

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Sack)

According to the Toronto Star, the International Olympic Committee shocked the world recently when it dropped wrestling from its list of core sports for the 2020 games — in favor of other sports more likely to interest younger viewers.

Well, the wrestling folks aren’t going down without a fight. Wrestling is competing with seven other sports for a single 2020 opening: baseball/softball (baseball, cut in the past, is fighting for a new spot), squash, inline speed skating, sport climbing (rock climbing), wakeboarding (a form of water skiing), karate and wushu (kung fu fighting).

Personally, I think any of these eight sports would make for a great Olympic event. Sure, I might prefer racquetball over squash, but baseball is a great American-invented sport, inline speed skating is a blast to watch, rock climbing is scary and exhilarating, wakeboarding is hugely entertaining, and who doesn’t want to see karate and kung fu fighting?

Besides, the choices could be plenty worse.

Yahoo News reports that, with the popularity of TV dancing contests, some are pushing to add ballroom dancing to the Olympic roster.

Sure, the games have not traditionally included “artistic” events, but ballroom enthusiasts argue that rhythmic gymnastics — in which gymnasts jump around with hoops, batons and brightly colored fabric — has been added to the Olympic list.

Sure, ballroom dancing requires athleticism and finesse. It is an art form celebrated by American greats Gene Kelly, Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.

Then again, any American “sport” in which you can blow out a knee by tripping over the buffet table probably shouldn’t quality as an Olympic event.

That brings us to pole dancing — that’s right, pole dancing. According to the British newspaper The Independent, some hope this “sport” made popular by women who shed their clothes in smoky bars can one day become an Olympic event.

I’d pay good money (again) to see that.

Which brings us to bowling.

Chuck Pezzano of The Record, a New Jersey newspaper, says the bowling people have made several attempts to have their sport added to the Olympic roster over the years. During the 1936 games, they staged exhibitions and tournaments. Though well-received, bowling did not make the cut. They staged another exhibition at the Seoul Olympics in 1988, also without result.

Bowling “features men, women and children, (and is) well organized in more than 100 bowling federations around the world. There are no barriers because of size, age, sex or language. Rules are fairly simple … . A country with thousands of bowling centers or a nation with one can develop a team or an individual to qualify for one of the events, despite limited budgets,” Pezzano writes.

Better yet, bowling requires tremendous balance and stamina — only a true competitor can drink three pitchers of beer and still bowl a perfect 300.

Still, bowling has made little headway toward becoming an Olympic sport and is not likely to.

In any event, as America’s capital goes into scandal overdrive and the country continues to go to hell in a handbasket, I wish all eight competing sports luck as they vie for a spot in the Olympics.

I will continue to follow their behind-the-scenes battles closely — as they offer a welcome respite from the sorry state that America’s people, economy and politics are in these days.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari Dawson Bartley at cari@cagle.com. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Two of your friends die instantly, but you are “lucky.” Though bloodied and bruised, you survive to fight another day.

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

You will fight many more days, too. With our military stretched thin at hot spots across the world, our servicemen and women are serving more deployments than ever — some, as many as seven deployments during a 12-year span — and enduring more stress than ever before.

The nature of war fighting has changed, after all. Unlike in traditional ground wars, today’s fighting men and women are battling insurgents. Attack can come at any time, from anywhere: IEDs, snipers, rocket-propelled grenades, firefights, ambushes, suicide bombs.

If you’re “lucky,” you will survive more close scrapes. Sure, you will carry scars of war, but you will make it home.

If you’re unlucky, you will be killed, severely wounded or maimed. More than 6,500 soldiers have died during the Afghanistan and Iraq wars — more than 50,000 have been wounded.

Many of the wounded have suffered damage so severe, they are medically discharged and sent home.

Imagine the transformation. One moment, you are strong and healthy. The next moment, a blast goes off and you are without an arm or a leg, or shrapnel is lodged in your brain.

Back home, you are withdrawn. You don’t want to talk about what you experienced with anyone — family, friends or Department of Veterans Affairs doctors — because they can never understand.

You bottle up all the memories inside you — you try to bury the pain — but you probably will not succeed.

You are likely to suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) — flashbacks, nightmares and disruptive memories that you cannot control — or, worse, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), which can cause a host of cognitive and emotional problems.

You likely find it hard to transition to civilian life. You may be tempted to turn to alcohol, drugs or worse — the suicide rate among active and retired veterans is 22 a day.

There is a reason why nearly half of our 2.5 million Iraq and Afghanistan veterans are unemployed — and more than 12,000 Iraq and Afghanistan vets are homeless.

But you are a veteran. You don’t want pity. You were a trained warrior. You volunteered to serve. All you want is to talk with other veterans who experienced what you experienced — to reach out to a network of people who can provide you with the skills and support you will need to successfully transition back to civilian live.

Well, thanks to retired Marine Corps Maj. Gen. Tom Jones, such support is available.

Six years ago, as part of the Semper Fi Fund, which provides financial support to wounded, injured and critically ill members of the U.S. armed forces and their families, Jones established the Semper Fi Odyssey Transition Program (outdoorodyssey.org/leadership-programming/veteran-programming/semper-fi-odyssey/).

The Semper Fi Odyssey Transition Program provides returning wounded Marines with six intense days of training and curriculum to prepare them for life after military service and strengthen their mental, physical, spiritual, emotional and social well-being.

The program is conducted by team leaders, a good many of them who had been wounded, injured or critically ill warriors themselves who’ve successfully transitioned to civilian life.

By the end of the week, participants develop actionable road maps and plan for life to guide their transitions, as well as networks of mentors and friends who will provide ongoing support — support that is essential to helping those who have served their country embrace the skills they will need to serve their families, communities and careers.

We must take time to pay homage to the men and women who have served, particularly the wounded, injured and critically ill veterans who need a little added support.

Donate to the Semper Fi Fund ( semperfifund.org ) or contact the organization to learn how you can volunteer.

Better yet, hire one of these veterans to work for your company. They have received world-class training, and developed impressive workplace skills, during their service.

It would be one small way we can demonstrate our loyalty and support to so many young and women who have paid a high price to secure our freedoms.

As the Marines like to say: Semper fidelis!

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari Dawson Bartley at cari@cagle.com. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

What to get for the contemporary male who has everything? The Man Bag.

Arcadio Esquivel / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Esquivel)

The Man Bag is a high-style satchel — a purse, though its creators hate when you call it that. It’s designed to hold the modern man’s wallet, keys, sunglasses, iPod, cell phone, body spray, hair goop, diary and whatever other junk he totes around these days.

Why was the Man Bag created? According to manbag.com, three fellows — Brian, Peter and Thai — “were tired of being ribbed for carrying their gadgets around in hand bags. The torment reached a boiling point one night when Thai was called a ‘pursey’ at a party.”

That fellow who insulted him was lucky Thai didn’t yet have a sturdy Man Bag to smack him with.

So the three tormented fellows designed a special bag for men (they call theirs the MAN-n-BAG) and now sell it through their Website. The concept took off. The Nightline people said it’s the latest trend in men’s fashion. A GQ style editor they spoke with explained why:

“Once you’re out in the work world, do you really want to carry a backpack when you’re wearing a suit? At the same time, most guys don’t want to be like their dads and carry a briefcase.”

Which is precisely the problem.

Modern fellows don’t want to be like their dads — masculine fellows who defined themselves by their actions, not their high style. Fellows like my father.

My father has long known that if a thing doesn’t fit into a man’s pockets he shouldn’t be carrying it. He carries his keys in his right front pocket. He carries his change in both pockets, so he can dangle it with both hands while shooting the bull with the butcher, the mechanic and anybody else he encounters in daily life.

My father’s wallet is what a real man’s wallet should be — thick, fat and worn. It holds only the basic items a man needs to get through life: license, money and a yellowed photo of my mother from 1953. He keeps his wallet in his right rear pocket.

Nobody taught my dad to carry his keys, change and wallet this way. Nobody taught me, either. It’s hard-wired into male DNA. It is what men have always done because it is what we’re supposed to do.

But the genetic code is being rewritten in sensitive new-age men, such as the fellow who wrote a testimonial to manbag.com: “My chiropractor suggested your MAN-n-BAG because sitting on my overstuffed wallet was misaligning my spine.”

Ah, yes, we’re at war with tough-guy terrorists and our fellows are getting injured by their wallets.

I’m not certain how the American male has evolved to such a sissified state, but I have a hunch. The reason dates back 40 years or more, when the feminist movement kicked into high gear.

Yes, feminism brought us many good things. Women deserved equal opportunity and they’re doing well. But some feminists weren’t content with just that. They wanted to destroy the enemy — the American male.

First they convinced us we were wrong, that we weren’t socialized properly as boys. They changed the socialization process. They changed the education process, too. Their goal was to make us more sensitive and emotional — more like women.

Boy, have they succeeded. Now men spend hours fretting over their looks and style — they spend thousands getting their hair primped, their skin moisturized, their eyebrows waxed. They cry at baby showers and clap the first time junior uses the toilet to do No. 2.

They carry purses.

Well, nuts to that. Look, men, we need to get hold of our testosterone. Women are different from us. It’s best that way. It’s best that we distinguish ourselves from them in our actions, manner and dress. They carry purses. We don’t.

So what to get for the contemporary fellow who has everything? A thick, fat, worn wallet that he’ll knowingly slip into his right rear pocket.

It may misalign his spine, but at least he’ll have one.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari Dawson Bartley at cari@cagle.com. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Obama: Teacher! My woe is great.

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Sack)

Clinton: Tell me, my pupil.

Obama: It is true you told many exaggerations and frequently stepped well beyond the bounds of truth, yet your approval ratings prospered. This had been the case with me, too — until last week. Suddenly, many are second-guessing my words — even my friends in the media are turning on me!

Clinton: Well, it is not conceivable that you just learned about the IRS scandal by hearing about it on the news. I laughed out loud when I heard that one.

Obama: Teacher, you are the undisputed master of political rhetoric. You have engaged in activities that would have ruined lesser men, yet you are still loved by many. You must help me master such rhetoric or I may be in trouble.

Clinton: My student, I have been waiting for you to come to me. I will now share with you what I have shared with no other human being about the art of politics.

Obama: Please, teacher.

Clinton: I pose to you this question, student: What is the nature of truth?

Obama: I’m a brass-knuckle Chicago politician, teacher. How would I know?

Clinton: Excellent, my pupil. For the truth is the first thing one must abandon to be effective in politics.

Obama: Teacher?

Clinton: I ask you, student: If a man were convicted of a crime he did not commit, would he not proclaim his innocence with great vigor?

Obama: Yes, teacher, he would do so to pronounce the truth, and in so doing, he would make a convincing case.

Clinton: Yes, and for a man, then, to be persuasive in political rhetoric, he must speak with the same vigor as a truthful man.

Obama: But what if that man is not telling the truth?

Clinton: This is why a man must abandon the truth, student, so that he doesn’t know when he isn’t telling it.

Obama: You are good, teacher! But where I really need help is getting people to believe my words again. I tried to feign anger over the IRS scandal — I tried to show outrage — but people find it hard to believe a couple of low-level agents took it upon themselves to harass some 500 conservative groups. I tried to tell reporters that I did call the Benghazi incident a terrorist attack from the beginning, but they’re certainly not buying that. What am I doing wrong?

Clinton: Your words and storylines are not consistent, my pupil. Keep the stories simple, and do not keep adding elements to them. Consistency is thus: If a man never tells the truth, how can other men determine when he is lying?

Obama: Excellent, teacher! But I worry. Now that AP reporters are aware my administration was snooping on them, many in the press are coming after me. Right or wrong, a new storyline is forming about me: that my administration used the might of the IRS to attack conservative opponents and help win the election. That we put politics above all regarding Benghazi and misled the American people, also to win the election. That my people and I really are hardened Chicago politicians who abuse our power to squash any opposition. My credibility is at stake. How can I return to the level where, when I spin the yarn, my words are effective and persuasive and nobody mocks my exaggerations?

Clinton: You do so the same way I did.

Obama: Teacher?

Clinton: Practice, practice, practice.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari Dawson Bartley at carii@cagle.com. Send comments about this column to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I don’t know who they are, but I’ve got to hand it to them. I’m too cynical to do what they do.

I speak of the Americans who, every year, donate money to pay down America’s national debt.

The Bureau of the Public Debt — part of the Treasury Department — began allowing such donations in 1961. According to Title 31, Chapter 31 of the U.S. Code, any citizen is free to give a “gift” to Treasury, under the condition that the money will be used only to pay down the debt.

Eric Allie / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Allie)

Last year, the government received $3 million in such gifts. Who are the gift-givers? Nobody knows for certain.

Mckayla Braden, senior adviser at the Bureau of the Public Debt, told me that all the bureau does is tally the totals. It keeps no records on the number of individuals who give or the average amount.

Braden was able to share some interesting details and anecdotes with me:

• Gift-givers generally mail in checks — rarely do they include a note of any kind.

• Sometimes they donate their tax-refund checks, after signing the checks over to Treasury.

• Occasionally, someone leaves a large portion of his or her estate to the government. That happened in 1992, when the largest gift on record, $3.5 million, was received.

Over the years, Braden was able to learn about some of the givers.

In the early ’90s, a teacher sent in a large jar of dimes and nickels. The teacher explained that she’d conducted a class exercise on the national debt. Her students had contributed what they could.

Braden remembers one gift-giver who mailed a small money order from a convenience store.

She remembers another fellow who mailed in $10 or $20 every payday. He did so for years.

Though little is known about the gift-givers — it isn’t entirely clear what motivates them — Braden got a sense that most are patriotic people who want to do their own small part to help their country.

“Small” is, unfortunately, the right word.

For the past decade, Treasury has received between $2 million and $3 million in gifts every year. But our debt, growing a few trillion a year, now stands at about $17 trillion.

If our debt remained fixed at $17 trillion — and if we applied $3 million every year to pay down that debt — it would take 5.6 million years to pay it off.

And that is with zero-percent interest.

Besides, the gift donations technically aren’t paying down the debt anyhow. All the donations are deposited to the receipts ledger of Uncle Sam’s general fund.

Since we’re running large deficits, the donations simply reduce the amount of money our government will borrow.

The last thing I want to do is give our spendthrift government an opportunity to spend even more.

Nonetheless, I wish more people were as thoughtful as the silent givers — particularly the people who are so eager to expand our government and raise our taxes.

Hey, big spenders, here’s your chance to put your money where your mouth is. You can send your own money to Treasury right now. Just go to www.pay.gov.

How about it, big spenders.

Hello?

Just as I figured.

No wonder I’m such a cynic.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

It is my opinion that our society must take every opportunity to praise our young people for their hard work and accomplishment, and that is why ceremonies such as this are so important to our country’s future.

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Sack)

It was not so long ago, after all, that a more conservative America saw things differently. What a harsh place America once was — particularly for our young students.

So primitive were educational practices when I was young that our gym teachers forced us to play dodgeball and other competitive games. Can you imagine how humiliating it was to have children whipping big rubber balls at your torso, and if you got hit and failed to catch the ball, you “lost”?

Our teachers enjoyed pitting us against each other inside the classroom, too, with competitive quizzes and spelling bees. They kept score, too, which humiliated the losers and greatly damaged their self-esteem.

Hard as it is to fathom, my generation played keep-away during recess. One kid carried the ball and everybody else tried to rip it away from him. It was a game about individualism; there was no teamwork, and there were no rules or adults to intervene. It was you against everybody else — and it was most unpleasant.

Well, dodgeball, scorekeeping and keep-away are relics of the past. Fortunately, enlightened adults are much more involved with children now, and we are able to spare children the harm their self-esteem would suffer from games and competitions.

Thankfully, many enlightened adults are the parents who have contributed greatly to the accomplishments of today’s graduates.

It was you who stood by, protecting your sons and daughters from every one of life’s ills and heartaches. It was you who praised them for every little effort and sought to pump them up with their own self-importance and self-worth.

It was not so long ago that parents were not so enlightened. Some parents once believed their children needed to figure out some things out on their own. They actually wanted their children to spend time with friends without adult supervision, so they could learn to socialize on their own.

They actually wanted their children to go sled-riding without adults keeping them safe, so they could learn to play and to engage with nature on their own. Thank goodness those days are gone!

There are some who criticize the way many parents and adults coddle today’s children. They criticize “helicopter parents” who constantly hover over their children and come flying in the moment their child meets with any challenge or adversity.

There are some who argue that our coddling is not doing our children any favors — that our constant intervention in our children’s lives is inhibiting their ability to learn how to invent, discover and grow on their own, and how to make decisions and adjustments on their own.

They say our efforts to bolster self-esteem, by prohibiting competition and by continually giving our children praise, ceremonies, awards and commendations for every silly thing, are setting them up for failure as adults — that survival in adulthood will require real performance and results.

They say that too many awards and ceremonies dilute the meaning of real accomplishment and achievement — that events like the one we celebrate today are really designed for the enjoyment of the adults, who feel the need to live vicariously through even the most minor accomplishments of their children.

To them, I say: Hogwash!

And congratulations to the kindergarten Class of 2013!

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari Dawson Bartley at cari@cagle.com. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Here’s one potential advance in science that has me worried: human beings may eventually live a really long time.

According to the World Future Society, we are in the early phases of a superlongevity revolution. Thanks to advances nanotechnology and cell and gene manipulation, scientists may eventually learn how to keep humans alive from 120 to 500 years.

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cardow)

Which prompts an important question: Do we really want to live that long?

Sure a longer life would have its upside. I’d love to have my parents around forever. I’d love to swing by for Sunday dinner for at least 100 years more.

It would be great if we were able to keep fellows like Jimmy Stewart, Johnny Carson and Dean Martin around.

It would be even better if we were able to keep around people with great minds, such as Einstein, who could unlock the mysteries of the universe.

But a longer life would have its downside. Do we really want baby boomers, who are now beginning to retire, to vote government benefits for themselves for several hundred years?

And what of our younger generations, kids who are notorious slackers? Mother to son in year 2075: You’re 100 years old! When are you going to move out and get a job?

I’m 51 and already showing signs of fatigue. In my experience, life is largely made up of colds, bills, speeding tickets and people who let you down. These experiences are connected together by a series of mundane tasks. The drudgeries are occasionally interrupted by a wonderful meal, a really good laugh or a romantic evening with a lovely woman.

Then the mundane stuff starts all over again. Who wants several decades of that?

Besides, if we live 100 years or more, how are we going to pay for it? Living is expensive. Are we going to work 50 years, retire, burn through our nest egg, then sling hamburgers for a century or two?

On one hand, I think it’s great we humans are getting better at improving our health and life spans. But on the other hand I know this: DYING is what makes life most worth living.

Would you enjoy a movie if you knew it was going to play for 24 hours? No, what makes the movie enjoyable is its ending. And it better end within two hours or we all start squirming in our seats.

The key to human happiness, you see, is not an abundance of a thing, but the lack of it. Doesn’t pie taste better when we know it’s the last slice? Doesn’t a football game capture our attention more when it is the last of the season — the one that determines who goes out the winner and who goes out the loser? Isn’t a comedian funnier when he exits the stage BEFORE we want him to go?

Hey, futurists, I’m not sure we want to stick around too long. If you believe in God, as I do, this is just a testing ground anyhow. This is just practice. It’s like two-a-day football drills. We must first prove ourselves during the agony of summer practice to earn our rights to play in the big game. Do we really want to spend 500 hundred years running wind-sprints in summer practice?

When I look up to the stars, I can’t help but sense there are better places to go. But it’s not until we check out of Hotel Earth that we’re able to enjoy a place with more amenities and better service. My religion says that place is Heaven, which I figure I’ll get to sooner or later — after doing a tour of that other place.

Though I don’t think Purgatory will be so bad. My friends will be there.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Angel Boligan / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Boligan)

Dr. Adam: Hello, all. More people are spending hours online to the detriment of their families, friends, jobs and other responsibilities. But as is the case with many psychiatric disorders, it is not their fault.

Host: OK, let’s open up for questions from our cyber pals.

MotherMary: My young children think I’m an Internet addict, but I think they’re the ones with the problem. They’ve been banging on my door for hours, muttering something about food.

Dr. Adam: They are young and don’t understand your challenges, Mary. Group counseling will help.

IowaSusan: My husband spends every waking moment typing notes to his friends in online chat rooms. He avoids me and the kids, and he doesn’t do any chores around here.

Dr. Adam: Please be more sympathetic, Susan. Have you considered group counseling?

BuffaloBill: First, my wife replaced our portrait of our children with one of Bill Gates. And I think she is seeing another man on the Internet!

Dr. Adam: What makes you think that?

BuffaloBill: She received a dozen roses from somebody named Bob7135.

Dr. Adam: It’s not a big deal, Bill. Marriage is hard and people get bored. It is to be expected that your wife might fantasize about a better life with a stranger. Try to understand.

EliteEllen: My husband used to be an adventurer. We traveled to exotic places. Now, we go nowhere, because he refuses to leave his computer.

Dr. Adam: Get thy family to a therapist.

SuperDad: Dr. Adam, I bought smartphones for all three of our children and they spend hours locked in their rooms, texting people. My wife thinks this is not good, but I like it, because now I can communicate with them by text and don’t actually have to be with them.

Dr. Adam: Your wife is living in the past, SuperDad. Perhaps she can join you in family therapy.

Vince: Dr. Adam, with all due respect, aren’t you overdoing it with all this talk of addiction?

Dr. Adam: Internet addiction is a serious problem, Vince. Those afflicted by it are helpless, just the way some people are made helpless by alcohol and others are sent out of control by gambling. There are many addictions in life, and this is but another.

Vince: Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Adam. I agree that some people can’t handle alcohol or gambling. But for the vast majority of us, might we not be making some excuses?

Dr. Adam: Excuses?

Vince: Look, I don’t doubt some people are addicted to the Internet and electronic devices. But it seems to me that many of the people who overdo it on the Internet — or overdo other vices, for that matter — are often just being selfish and lazy.

Dr. Adam: What are you getting at, Vince?

Vince: When I was a kid, we used to call most “addictive” behavior slothful behavior. Most people who overindulged at the expense of their families and responsibilities were being inconsiderate at best and rude at worst. Nowadays, nothing is anybody’s fault.

Dr. Adam: Ah, you are a Republican. Like so many closed-minded people, you are a square who is addicted to living in the past. You need to get to a therapist.

Host: Well, that’s all the time we have, cyber pals. In our next chat, we’ll discuss the pros and cons of conducting an online affair.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com.Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I turned 51 last week and it’s official: I have turned into my father.

The world makes less sense to me every day. My fellow man puzzles me more every day.

Mike Keefe / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Keefe)

I cite exhibit A: crappy stone walls. I know a woman who paid $10,000 to have a small stone retaining wall built along her driveway.

Now I used to be a stonemason — I rebuilt close to 200 such walls during my high school and college years — and I was shocked to learn that hers was a new wall. It was buckling and full of gaps. Not one stone was properly cut or faced.

It’s the latest craze, she told me — walls that have an old, authentic look. This is because people suddenly want the outside of their homes to look as “distressed” as the inside.

“Distressed furniture” is the latest trend in interior design. People are buying brand-new tables and dressers, bringing them into their garages, kicking and scratching them, then covering them in a lumpy, flaky paint.

I called my sister, an interior designer, to learn more about this peculiar trend. She said people want the antique look, but because real antiques are hard to come by, the next best thing is to buy something new and make it look scuffed and tired and worn.

This causes my father to rise up in me as I say, “What the …”

But nothing is more puzzling than our next item of distress: distressed jeans. That’s right, there is actually a product the fashionistas refer to as “distressed jeans.” These are jeans with tears and gaping holes that, according to The New York Times, sell for upwards of $600 a pair.

Even in Pittsburgh, land of common-sense people, a lousy pair of trendy jeans runs upwards of $200. I talked with the owner of an upscale jeans store and she told me the jeans with holes in them aren’t as popular as the ones with paint splattered all over them.

“Jeans splattered with paint?”

“Yes, they’re all the rage.”

“But they have paint on them!”

“Yes!”

Just as I was ready to concede that the American experiment is spent and all will soon be lost, she told me about another jeans trend: dirt-washed jeans. That’s right, the jean manufacturer washes them in dirt. They have pebbles and clumps of clay in the pockets. And Americans, many of them educated and from good homes, willingly exchange their hard-earned dough for them.

The dirt-washed jeans are almost as popular as the grease-smeared jeans, she continued (and I’m not making this up). The jean manufacturers actually smear grease all over the jeans, so that people who buy them can be as fashionable as the guy in the pit at the Jiffy Lube.

I asked the jeans-shop owner to help me understand why people are buying such products. She said that manufacturers are always trying to be hip. When something hits — when the trendy crowd just has to have it — the manufacturer can charge huge markups.

Well, I understand that, I told her. But why? Why are people dumb enough to buy these things? Why are Americans spending so much money for items that sensible Americans used to donate to Goodwill or toss in the garbage?

She had no answer. Let me take a stab at it.

As we work exhausting hours in gray cubicles doing bland service work — as we move into cookie-cutter houses in the thick of suburban sprawl — and as fewer of us know any sense of craftsmanship or what it is like to sweat or work with our hands, we long for anything authentic — even if it’s fake.

But what do I know. At 51, I have effectively become my father. Puzzled as I am by the latest trends, my thoughts have shifted to more practical matters.

Such as finding a couple of suckers willing to pay me 200 bucks for my greasy, paint-stained jeans.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Yeah, that ought to work!

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Sack)

Bloomberg, as you may know, has become the nation’s poster child for nanny-state policies. He wants to ban the sale of sugary drinks over 16 ounces — but a judge overturned the proposal. The city is appealing.

He has already banned, or tried to ban, trans fats, smoking in public places and salty foods. And now he wants to prevent anyone under 21 from legally buying cigarettes within New York City.

I know the mayor has good intentions. Our modern food supply, much of it processed to taste good, is filled with unhealthful things. There is a reason obesity is at epidemic levels in America.

But the mayor’s attempts at outright bans will not resolve the problem. He is going about it all wrong.

Look, government has never done well in the banning business. Remember when it tried to ban alcohol?

That effort turned millions of ordinary citizens, including my Irish ancestors, into lawbreakers. They had to make their own hooch in homemade stills.

Prohibition also resulted in the growth of massive organized-crime syndicates. Not-so-nice fellows, such as Al Capone, became bloody rich selling illegal booze to thirsty customers.

Cigarettes offer another example. Every time a government body increases tax rates on smokes — Bloomberg is trying to increase the cost of a pack to nearly $11 in New York City — all it does is grow the black market for tax-free cigarettes.

So I have a proposal for Mayor Bloomberg — a reverse-psychology proposal. Rather than ban the behaviors he wants to stop, government should promote them.

Bloomberg should establish programs and committees tasked with encouraging 18-year-olds to smoke if they haven’t yet started. The city could conduct seminars on the benefits of a good puff and explain how cigarette purchases generate tax revenue that supports many wonderful government causes.

He should reintroduce smoking in public places, including restaurants and pubs. Heck, why not make smoking mandatory in these places and establish an undercover police force to fine those who fail to light up?

Once he has that smoking initiative under way, he can begin to encourage use of salt and trans fats in city restaurants. Better yet, he can require that high levels of each be used in every dish.

And rather than ban large sugary drinks, he ought to go the other way: Ban the small ones, require food providers to sell drinks by the bucket, and fine those unable to drink it all.

It wouldn’t be long before the public would be going out of its way to break every rule — by not smoking, by eating low-fat, low-salt foods and by eschewing sugary drinks of every kind.

Of course, such an approach would never happen. That is because most of the nanny programs coming out of our cities, states and now, the federal government, often have little to do with getting actual results.

What they are mostly about is busybodies’ need to make the rest of us bend to their will under the might of government power — as is the case with so many government programs that produce unintended consequences.

There is widespread agreement that the American food supply and American vices are causing a world of woe, and we need to debate ways to resolve it. One thing is for certain: Nanny-state government policies will never work.

I’d suggest we ban them, but that would only get us more of them.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Proms sure have gotten expensive these days.

According to the San Jose Mercury News, high school kids spend nearly $4 billion annually for dresses, accessories, flowers, beauty products, limos and other prom-related items. The average couple spends upward of $1,000 for the one-time event.

Angel Boligan / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Boligan)

That got me thinking about my own prom in 1980.

I didn’t know my date very well. She was in my photography class, pretty and, more important, available. We arranged a pre-prom meeting to get to know each other. We played tennis on a blistering-hot day, then headed back to her house for something cold to drink. After she berated her sister for drinking all the Tang, she turned her turret on me.

“I heard about you, a regular class clown,” she said. “You better not show up in a limo, wear a top hat or cane or do anything else to embarrass me.”

I knew right away things were going to work out fine.

Still, I wanted to impress her. I was running a stone-masonry business in those years and was making a lot of money for a kid.

I figured I’d use some of my dough to impress her.

I bought her the finest corsage in our high school (it cost $45, a lot of money then). I bought a box of frozen steaks, snacks and other refreshments for the after-prom party. But my investments turned out to be bad ones.

On the afternoon of the prom, my friend Gigs and I — we double dated — took a drive to the prom hall to make sure we wouldn’t get lost later. Later that evening, we picked up our girls for photos and false enthusiasm. We were late for dinner (we got lost) and the awful night was under way.

I’m certain my date didn’t spend hundreds of dollars on her dress as girls do now, though I remember she looked great. The truth is, I can’t remember what she was wearing because I hardly saw her all night long. She and the girl Gigs came with spent most of the night in the ladies’ room while Gigs and I counted how many times the hard-rock band played “Cocaine” (nine).

Finally, around 11:30 p.m., the dance was over. Unlike teens these days, we didn’t use our credit cards to retire to the honeymoon suite. We took the girls home. But our suffering was just beginning.

We picked up our dates early the next morning and drove to a country cabin where my friend Cook was having an after-prom party. The cabin was a two-hour drive, but it took us five (we got

lost). My date didn’t utter a word until about 2 p.m., when she challenged Gigs and me to a tennis match.

I took it as a good sign. It wasn’t.

Gigs is an outstanding athlete and I’m no slouch myself. Once the game got under way, our testosterone got inflamed. Every time we scored, Gigs and I high-fived each other, laughing loudly. We creamed the girls, and after the match they refused to talk to us.

Gigs and I spent the rest of the day tossing a football and eating the steaks I brought. Around dusk, the girls found us and told us it was time to leave. We got home five hours later (we got lost) and the torturous affair was finally over.

So I have some advice for prom-goers this year: Hold onto your money. Don’t be the unwitting dupes of savvy marketers. They know that kids your age have big allowances and overworked, guilt-riddled parents who will cough up the dough if you ask them.

Through programs and advertisements on MTV, they’ve been rushing you into adulthood for years. They exploit the prom to cash in on your insecurity and peer pressure. They convince you to buy teeth whitener, expensive cosmetics and other unnecessary junk designed to fatten their bottom lines.

But don’t give in. Save your money. Be content that you’re about to have one of the worst experiences of your young life.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Sinatra performed the patriotic song in an 11-minute movie short that was made in 1945, shortly after the conclusion of the war.

Angel Boligan / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Boligan)

In the short, Sinatra steps out of a recording studio into an alley, where he confronts a group of kids chasing a smaller boy. He learns that the smaller boy was being picked on by the others because of his religion.

Sinatra explains to the kids that it is un-American to dwell on what makes us different. Rather, we must celebrate the many unique characteristics we have in common — the characteristics that make us very strong as a nation.

To illustrate his point, Sinatra sings “The House I Live In”:

What is America to me?

A name, a map, or a flag I see.

A certain word, democracy.

What is America to me?

More than just a democracy, America is a representative republic. It was designed to put the power in the people’s hands — people like Sinatra’s Italian-born father, who understood how lucky he was to be American when, for many years, his birth country had been run by the fascist dictator Benito Mussolini.

The howdy and the handshake,

The air and feeling free.

And the right to speak my mind out,

That’s America to me.

The howdy and the handshake speak of a civility and friendliness that we are losing in modern America. Our government has expanded considerably and the sense of feeling free is not so great as it once was. Though people are still able to “speak their minds,” they run the risk of coming under assault for the ideas they speak.

Take Dr. Ben Carson, a renowned neurosurgeon who had been director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital for 36 years. His commonsense thoughts on the highly charged issues of the day so agitate some on the left that he was recently forced out as commencement speaker at the university his work made famous.

The things I see about me,

The big things and the small.

The little corner newsstand,

And the house a mile tall.

It’s hard to imagine now, but envy had never been a big part of the American spirit. America was a place people came to rise on their own merits. Most of our early immigrants were too proud to take handouts — all they wanted was the opportunity to work and prosper and make a better life for their children.

Sinatra’s father couldn’t read or write. He became a fireman and eventually a pub owner and lived a good life. But look at the remarkable life his son went on to live — a life and career that could be possible only in America.

The words of old Abe Lincoln,

Of Jefferson and Paine.

Of Washington and Jackson,

And the tasks that still remain.

The American Constitution went into effect on March 4, 1789 — 156 years before Sinatra recorded “The House I Live In.” Most Americans were still very much aware of the unique ideals upon which the country was founded — most realized that, despite America’s many imperfections that still needed to be worked out, it was a blessing to be an American citizen.

It was a blessing to have God-given rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

In 2013, I dare say, most Americans have little understanding of the ideas and principles that make our country exceptional, and far too many are eager to give up our freedoms in exchange for the promise of free government stuff.

A house that we call freedom,

A home of liberty.

And it belongs to fighting people,

That’s America to me.

That’s America to me, too. And we better fight harder if we hope to maintain the principles and blessings that have made our country great.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Things are mighty heated these days. Tempers are flaring and minds are closed. Here’s the solution: the wit and wisdom of Will Rogers.

“The short memory of voters is what keeps our politicians in office.”

“We’ve got the best politicians that money can buy.”

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

“A fool and his money are soon elected.”

Rogers spoke these words during the Great Depression, but they’re just as true today. With 24-hour news channels, our memories are shorter than ever. And in the mass-media age, the politician who can afford the most airtime frequently wins.

“Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.”

“Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing. That was the closest our country has ever been to being even.”

“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.”

Today, unfortunately, we’re getting more government than we’re paying for. We cover the difference by borrowing billions every year.

As the king of the velvet-tipped barb, Rogers never intended to be mean, but to bring us to our senses. One of his favorite subjects was to remind the political class that it worked for us, not the other way around.

“When Congress makes a joke it’s a law, and when they make a law, it’s a joke.”

“You can’t hardly find a law school in the country that don’t, through some inherent weakness, turn out a senator or congressman from time to time … if their rating is real low, even a president.”

“The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.”

That’s for certain. I used to fault the Democrats for cronyism and reckless spending. But that was before Republicans took over.

Rogers’ thinking on American foreign policy really hits home today:

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.”

“Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it. You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.”

“Liberty doesn’t work as well in practice as it does in speeches.”

Rogers was born and raised on a farm in Oklahoma. His wit reflected the heart of America — the horse sense, square dealing and honesty that were the bedrock of our success.

“When a fellow ain’t got much of a mind, it don’t take him long to make it up.”

“This country is not where it is today on account of any one man. It’s here on account of the real common sense of the Big Normal Majority.”

Franklin Roosevelt, a frequent target of Rogers’ barbs, understood how valuable Rogers’ sensibility was during the years of the Depression:

“I doubt there is among us a more useful citizen than the one who holds the secret of banishing gloom … of supplanting desolation and despair with hope and courage. Above all things … Will Rogers brought his countrymen back to a sense of proportion.”

A sense of proportion is clearly what we’re lacking right now. We need to get it back quickly.

Not five years ago, we were attacked by people who hold an ideology we’re still having trouble getting our arms around. At first we were united, but now we’re badly divided. Nothing more brightens the day of those who wish us harm than division.

Just as bad, we’ve got a rapidly aging population — a Social Security and Medicare train wreck is just over the horizon — and there is no shortage of other woes we must resolve if we expect the American experiment to keep on rolling.

But instead of working to resolve our challenges, we snipe and point fingers and make absurd accusations. We forget we’re not Democrats or Republicans, but Americans.

What we need now more than ever is the calm, clear perspective of Will Rogers. He offered some sound advice on how we can get started:

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

According to Reuters, social media users face “an increase in rudeness online with people having no qualms about being less polite virtually than in person.”

Taylor Jones / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Jones)

I think our rudeness began ticking up with the introduction of another technological innovation: the telephone.

As phones became commonplace in American homes, people could communicate miles apart with each other — rather than being face-to-face.

People are much more likely to say things over the phone that they would never try to get away with saying while looking you in the eyes.

Technology continued to evolve, and so did our opportunities for rudeness. When answering machines become widely available in the ’70s, people initially considered them rude.

Callers had the sense that the people they were calling were using the devices to screen their calls — and they were, so callers often hung up before leaving a message.

The telephone company solved that problem with the introduction of “*69″ — punching in *69 to retrieve the number of the last person to call you.

Boy, did that technology make us ruder. I remember coming home once from a business meeting to find someone had hung up on my answering machine without leaving a message. I dialed *69, retrieved the number and called.

The phone rang four times before an answering machine picked up. A woman’s recorded voice said, “Hello, Bill and I aren’t in right now … .” I had no idea who the woman was, so I hung up.

I returned home again later that day to discover another person had hung up on my machine. I dialed *69, retrieved the number and called. I got an answering machine — “Hello, Bill and I aren’t in right now … .” — and hung up.

A few moments later, my phone rang.

“Hello,” I said.

“Who is this?” said a woman.

“Who is this?” I said.

“You called me and hung up!” she said. Ah, it was Bill’s wife!

“You called me and hung up!” I said.

“*69 took me to you!” she said.

“*69 took me to you!” I said.

The woman uttered some profanities, then hung up.

Caller ID quickly made both answering machines and *69 obsolete. Before long, everyone was screening calls. How rude.

The cell phone kicked rudeness into high gear. People are happy to make and take calls at the library, the movie theater and anywhere else they can annoy their fellow man.

Email is another innovation that is still doing damage. People dash off notes in anger, in which they say things to friends, loved ones and suddenly former bosses that they would never say in person.

Then there’s text messaging — the art of pressing both thumbs against a miniature keypad to bastardize the English language.

If you try to have a face-to-face conversation with a younger person, you cannot do so without him or her texting five or more people while you chat — behavior that used to be considered awfully rude.

And now, with social media, rudeness has a public forum. In haste, we type and post messages we would never say in person — messages that sometimes destroy relationships and reputations, particularly when those messages go viral.

It’s true that there are many reasons for the breakdown of civility. Judith Martin, Miss Manners, says good manners are the philosophical basis of civilization. When manners are strong, people restrain their impulses to be rude and abrasive — regardless of the form of communication they use.

But when manners are weak — and they are weak in societies in which the government determines behavior with a growing list of laws, rules, regulations and punishments — they are a reflection of the health of a civilization.

And where rudeness is concerned, our civilization isn’t looking so healthy.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

After all, who better than Obama — who has added $6 trillion to the national debt so far — to help “every individual take ownership of his or her financial future”?

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

Well, so worried am I by the financial path the president and our other “leaders” are taking us on, I’ve become an expert on “financial responsibility” — the way the government does it, anyhow. I fielded some questions from readers to help them be as financially responsible as our government.

Q: Tom, I spend more every month than I earn. Should I create a budget to bring discipline to my spending habits?

A: There’s no need for a budget. Budgets are stressful. They force you to make adult decisions about where to allot your limited funds. Just spend as you wish and borrow to cover any shortfalls.

Q: Tom, I just graduated from college with $150,000 in student-loan debt and $30,000 in credit-card debt. I expected to get a high-paying management job, but I am working part-time at a burger joint. I have not been paying my bills and my credit is horrible. How can I buy my dream home?

A: You’re in luck! The Obama administration is pressing banks to lower lending standards again, so that people like you can buy homes now! What could possibly go wrong?

Q: I got a debit card, but it doesn’t seem to work at ATMs anymore. My bank said that is because I have a zero balance. Should I get a credit card instead?

A: Absolutely. Interest rates are so low right now — our government is doing clever things to hold them down — that you can borrow money at record low rates. Borrow as much as you can and enjoy life! Sure, when rates eventually go back to normal, you’ll be in a heap of trouble — much like our government will be — but worrying about the future is a drag.

Q: I am spending about 25 percent more than I earn on boats, cars, vacation homes and more. Do I have a spending problem or a revenue problem?

A: You clearly have a revenue problem. Too bad you can’t tax your neighbors or create money out of thin air, as the government does. Maybe you can issue bonds and sell them to people in other countries, then use that new money to spend even more.

Q: The wife and I set up a trust fund to pay for college for our kids, but we couldn’t resist borrowing and spending all the money in it. We were wise enough to replace the money with IOUs. The IOUs are as good as cash, right?

A: Our government surely thinks so. Take the Social Security trust fund. As money has been put there over the years, Congress has borrowed from it to make up for deficits in other government spending. The trust fund contains IOUs from one branch of government to another. To repay those IOUs, the government will have to tap taxpayers for more dough — just as your kids will tap you for the dough when it is time to redeem those IOUs. But that won’t be for a while, so relax.

Q: Tom, your advice is horrible. The country is spending and borrowing at unsustainable levels. The economy continues to struggle because there is no serious effort to tame entitlement programs and bring fiscal order to our government. Government borrowing is crowding out private investment. The direction we are heading may have terrifying consequences in the not-too-distant future.

A: Yeah, I know, but if most American voters aren’t worried about it, then I won’t let it get me down. Besides, if things get bad enough in America, I figure I can always move to Cyprus!

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I found something on the IRS Web site I never expected to see: quotations from great minds on taxes.

The first two agitated me:

John Cole / Scranton Times-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Cole)

“Taxes are what we pay for civilized society.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., U.S. Supreme Court justice

“The power of taxing people and their property is essential to the very existence of government.” — James Madison, U.S. president

Hey, fellows, I don’t mind paying taxes for a civilized society. It’s paying for the uncivilized part that grates on me. And I’m happy for the existence of our government, but, goodness, why does its existence have to be so big?

Here is a telling quotation from Frederick the Great, an 18th-century Prussian king:

“No government can exist without taxation. This money must necessarily be levied on the people; and the grand art consists of levying so as not to oppress.”

Yes, Freddy, levying without oppressing is a grand art — much the way it is an art for a loan shark, while collecting interest, to break all five fingers without harming the wrist.

Two of our thinkers, in their effort to be profound, end up sounding absurd:

“Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten.” — Lord Bramwell, 19th century English jurist

“To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men.” — Edmund Burke, 18th century Irish political philosopher and British statesman

Hey, Brammy, my dear sweet mother may be misunderstood and I’ll never forget her, but I don’t remember the government ever bringing me milk and cookies after clearing out my bank account.

And if somebody can explain to me what the heck Burke is trying to say, the first beer is on me.

Three of our thinkers make great sense, though:

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” — Albert Einstein

“Taxation WITH representation ain’t so hot, either.” — Gerald Barzan, humorist

A tax loophole is “something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.” — Russell B. Long, U.S. senator

Ah, now we’re getting to the thick of it. Our tax code is the hardest thing in the world to understand. It was made that way because our representatives, seeking favor and dough, slipped in gobs of loopholes for their buddies.

Our government calls this “tax reform,” and it is the reason our tax code now runs, according to the Cato Institute, 61,000 pages in length and takes the average American nearly 30 hours to comply with.

One quotation made me sad:

“Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.” — F.J. Raymond, humorist

Well, F.J., next to being shot at and hit, nothing is quite as unpleasant as the sizable checks I’ve had to write every year since I became self-employed in 1993.

The concept of taxes agitates me so much, particularly this week as I am buried in a pile of receipts, that I was drawn to the more humorous quotations:

“I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money.” — Arthur Godfrey

“People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.” — Unknown

“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.” — Will Rogers

The IRS is quick to point out that it in no way endorses any of these quotations. I don’t fault it for being cautious. Enforcing our incomprehensible laws, rules and regulations is the hardest job in the world. The IRS is often blamed for the mess that Congress made.

Still, I’m sure the IRS wants to keep a distance from this:

“Where there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income.” — Plato

Well, then. I guess tax woes have been around for a while.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. Like so many low-information voters, I am having trouble maintaining interest in what is going on in Washington.”

“Explain, my son.”

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

“Father, polls by the Pew Research Center and others routinely show that the percentage of Americans who closely follow politics and government is relatively low. Only about one-third of Americans are informed.”

“You’re saying that 70 percent of Americans aren’t paying close attention to what’s happening in Washington?”

“Yes, father. What’s worse is that the majority of Americans have no awareness or concern about the big issues of our day: our debt, runaway spending and deficit. None of these will get fixed if the majority doesn’t care.”

“This is not good, my son. In a representative government, the representatives need to be closely monitored by the people. So why haven’t you been paying attention?”

“Like many other Americans who do keep closely informed, I feel somewhat powerless, father. Keeping informed these days is painful.”

“Painful?”

“Our government and political leaders keep making one stupid move after another — moves that are taking the greatest country in the history of mankind in a direction that may sink us, just as other great countries have been sunk throughout history.”

“Some examples, my son?”

“Spending is the biggest one, father. How long we can sustain these massive deficits is anyone’s guess. Now we have a new federal entitlement, ObamaCare, that will drive up costs and spending all the more — when we already have trillions of dollars in unfunded future liabilities. How are we going to pay for this?”

“I see.”

“Regulations are another area of concern. Small businesses in America, the lifeblood of our economy, are under assault. Every year, they must comply with hundreds of new regulations — 854 new ones in 2012, according to Forbes. It is getting harder to create the jobs our country needs, jobs that will produce the taxes we need to pay our bills.”

“This is not so good, my son.”

“Worst of all is that there appear to be no consequences. Politicians can do whatever they wish, good or ill, and they pay a very small political price. There are so many people who vote now who are not paying attention to politics. Any politician with the proper celebrity appeal can win their votes, regardless of what he or she does in office.”

“And this is why you are tuning out of politics?”

“That is correct, father. I am a wee bit despondent, I do admit. It is painful to follow politics and I find myself tuning out every chance I get. I have decided to turn my attention to more trivial matters, such as enjoying pints of Guinness at my favorite Irish pub and talking about sports and my favorite television shows.”

“My son, I understand your guilt. The heart of a democracy is the people, and the people’s participation and interest in the governing process are critical.”

“It is the truth, father.”

“When nearly two-thirds of a country is asleep, that cannot bode well for that country’s future — particularly one that is grappling with severe challenges that could well sink our future if they are not addressed right now.”

“I know it, father, but I have to go right now. There is a beer and hot wing sale at the Irish pub. I better get there before the other low-information voters eat all of them.”

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Ah, springtime has arrived in Washington, D.C.

The National Cherry Blossom Festival is under way. The cherry trees, 3,700 of them given to America by the Japanese in 1912, are in full bloom.

Aislin / The Montreal Gazette (click to view more cartoons by Aislin)

One incident involving the trees reminds me why Americans are so wary of Washington.

In the spring of 1999, you see, some culprits had been chopping down cherry trees.

The National Park Service, in a state of high alert for days, finally identified the tree fellers: three beavers, who decided to construct a dam in the Tidal Basin.

In a normal city, this situation would have been dealt with swiftly. The beavers would have been trapped, transported to another location and released.

In fact, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), not known for common sense solutions, suggested exactly that.

But Washington is no normal city.

No sooner was PETA’s idea floated than experts began crawling out of the woodwork. One said it would be tragic to separate the three beavers, since they’re likely from the same family.

Another said you can’t move beavers to a new colony because the new colony — beavers are Republicans? — would reject the freeloaders. Besides, what’s the point of being a beaver if you don’t have any buddies to plug up storm sewers with?

A third expert said that, all things considered, the most humane solution would be to euthanize the beavers.

Boy, did the public react negatively to that suggestion.

This is because beavers are cute. Their cuddly television presence clouded the public’s ability to address the problem rationally.

The fact is that if beavers looked more like their pointy-nosed cousins, rats, even PETA would have lined the banks of the Tidal Basin with rifles and shotguns to take out the varmints before they felled more beloved trees.

By that point, PETA returned to form. It demanded the beavers be allowed to continue damming the Tidal Basin — to hell with the cherry trees and the fact that “Tidal Basin” would need to be renamed “Tidal Wave.”

The hullabaloo went on for some time before the Park Service finally hired a professional trapper. The trapper caught the beavers and they were carted off.

You’d think that would have been the end of it. But not in Washington.

Activists, suspicious of what the Park Service really did with the beavers — Guantanamo Bay? — demanded their location be divulged.

That prompted the Park Service to issue a statement. It said that, due to the publicity surrounding the case, the beavers were moved to a “safe house,” which, apparently, is some kind of beaver witness protection program.

The beaver incident illustrates how convoluted and confusing things can get in Washington — simple ideas and solutions that work everywhere else are twisted and contorted and made unrecognizable there.

That’s why the fellows who founded this country had the right idea when they sought to keep most of the decision-making out of Washington — keep it among the people and within the states.

But the birds running the government right now don’t see it that way. They have Washington butting into every aspect of our lives.

Alas, springtime has arrived in Washington. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the cherry trees are in full bloom.

And all I can do is worry about what that nutty town is going to meddle with next.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Maybe I’d better explain.

As it goes, the hit History Channel show, “The Bible,” was recently called out because the actor playing the part of Satan, Moroccan-born Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni, looks eerily similar to President Obama.

Eric Allie / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Allie)

I don’t think Obama is the devil, but he surely has one characteristic that old Beelzebub is known for: a silver tongue.

See, many people think that if they met the devil in person, he’d be a foul-smelling, abrupt and frightening creature. The fact is, he’d appear to be the exact opposite.

He’d wear a Brooks Brothers suit and display a charming smile. He’d be affable and compassionate, and charm the socks off the unwitting.

He’d certainly NOT have our interest at heart — he’d only want to use us to achieve his own selfish goals — and many of us would probably never know it. Many would think he is our savior.

There’s no doubt Obama makes a lot of people feel this way — even though he has delivered the opposite of his many grandiose promises.

I vaguely recall talk of “hope and change” — how he’d magically cross the political aisle and bring the parties and the country together — yet we are more divided now than at any time in my lifetime and Obama has been the most partisan president in modern history.

Is not our division the result, in no small part, of the class warfare he waged to win a second term?

I vaguely recall him being elected in 2008 to address our financial crisis and get the economy going again. Instead, he gave us a massive new entitlement program and spent billions of borrowed stimulus dollars — yet unemployment is still high and economic growth remains incredibly stagnant.

Despite our massive debt, deficits and future entitlement obligations, our sweet talker in chief now assures the masses that America no longer has a spending problem. He says we have already cut spending plenty; what we need to do is raise taxes to get things cooking.

Sure, he overplayed his hand on the sequestration cuts — which cut about $84 billion from our massive $4 trillion in annual spending. The gloom and doom he prophesied aren’t coming to pass, and his poll numbers have suffered some.

But the fact is, Obama has been successful, over and over, at saying one thing and doing another and paying a very small political price for the difference.

Gosh, I feel sorry for Republicans. Sure, they have their failings — and were careless and reckless in spending the last time they controlled Congress and the presidency — but they are now on the regrettable side of calling for sensible reductions in government growth and for sensible reforms to taxes and entitlement programs.

What we need is a giant bipartisan effort to address those very things, led by our president, but Obama wants nothing to do with it.

Republicans are in the regrettable position of, say, having to tell an obese fellow he needs to lose weight or he’ll get diabetes, or hardened arteries, and may even suffer a heart attack five or six years down the line — while Obama promises the fellow a buffet dinner.

As I said, the guy is a maestro at saying one thing and doing another. Most in the media continue to NOT hold him to account for that — or for the many ways he is NOT leading us on the many problems we must address (spending, deficit, entitlements, tax reform).

Obama is not the devil, but, boy, does he have the silver tongue.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

You’re probably wondering why you have to spend a couple of weekends barricaded in a room, sorting through receipts in the faint hope of complying with our confusing income tax laws.

Jeff Parker / Florida Today (click to view more cartoons by Parker)

The income tax first came to America in 1861. Americans paid it to help finance the Civil War, but come 1871 — six years after the war — the tax was repealed.

Some politicians, however, took a liking to it. They tried for the next 20 years to reinstate it. But the Supreme Court shot down the income tax as unconstitutional.

By 1913, however, the income tax weenies finally won. The 16th Amendment was passed and the income tax was signed into law.

Here’s how it worked: Only those who earned more than $3,000 — a lot of money in those days — had to pay. And they only had to pay about 1 percent. The highest rate, for those who earned $500,000 or more, was only 7 percent. As you well know, these low tax rates didn’t last.

By 1918, the top rate — the highest rate imposed on the highest earners — rose to a whopping 77 percent. Why? So America could finance World War I. And did the rates drop back to pre-war levels when the war ended?

Nope. The top rate did fall from 77 percent to 25 percent — but that still was 18 points higher than the top rate before the war.

Then Franklin Delano Big Government came to town. The top rate shot back up to 78 percent by 1936. In the 1940s, another war came along and the top rate skyrocketed to 94 percent. And did taxes go down following World War II?

Nope. This time, the top rate stayed above 90 percent — into the early 1960s.

In 1960, John F. Kennedy got elected by promising to get America moving again. He pushed for — but didn’t live to see — the top rate reduced from 90 percent to 70 percent under the Revenue Act of 1964, and his reductions did spur economic growth.

So, when politicians realized that lower taxes resulted in more growth and productivity, they eagerly reduced income taxes further, right?

Ha, ha! Nope. The income tax wasn’t reduced again until Ronald Reagan took over. In 1981, the top rate was reduced to 50 percent. In 1986, in return for elimination of loop holes, the top rate was reduced to 28 percent.

Reagan’s tax reductions helped spur the longest peacetime period of growth in American history.

Which brings us to the present. Today, the top federal income tax rate stands at 39.6 percent. But that’s still lower than the top rates of the past, right?

Not exactly.

First, loopholes that allowed taxpayers to avoid paying taxes were eliminated in 1986. Even though rates were higher in the past, actual taxes paid were lower. I stumbled across my father’s 1959 tax return; after his many deductions, he paid only 2 percent of his income in federal taxes.

Second, Social Security and Medicare taxes have increased rapidly over the years. Taxpayers pay an additional 15.3 percent of their income to support these programs. (The Social Security tax was only 1 percent when the program began.)

Third, Americans are paying taxes in several ways that many are not even aware of. We pay taxes on gas, utilities and phone usage. We pay property, sales and transfer taxes. And our states, counties and municipalities also tax our incomes.

Add it all up and you’ll discover that for every dollar you earn, you are lucky to keep even 50 cents.

That’s something to muse about as you are barricaded in a room all weekend, getting your income-tax return in order.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Ah, St. Patrick’s Day is upon us.

That means but one thing: time for Americans to over-celebrate the Irish tradition.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

I speak of the goofy Leprechaun hats, the gaudy green buttons and scarves and the propensity to drink excessive amounts of alcohol at fake Irish pubs while trying to be authentically Irish.

Though I’m not entirely without guilt.

Eight years ago in a gentrified section of Washington, D.C., I visited a fake Irish pub a few weeks before St. Patrick’s Day. My group included my cousin, my friends Bergen, Bell and Reid, and a woman we’d just met who bore a striking resemblance to Paula Jones (of the Clinton-era scandals).

Our efforts at pretending to be authentically Irish were going well until Bergen ordered up a fresh round of Guinness. That’s when the disaster occurred.

“Paula Jones” was wearing a white sweater — her favorite white sweater, which she’d paid $80 for at bebe’s in Chicago. Bergen, in his eagerness to get at his Guinness, knocked a full pint of the oil-black brew onto what quickly become a chocolate-white sweater from bebe’s in Chicago.

Having five sisters, I knew we had to get that sweater soaking in something or it would never see whiteness again. Bell ran off to get a bucket. I got the manager to supply a free Leprechaun T-shirt so our guest could change. My cousin trembled visibly, while Bergen was clearly saddened by the loss of his full pint.

Just as we managed to get our female guest dry, get her chocolate-white sweater soaking in soda water — we set it on a table behind us — and continue to pretend we were authentically Irish, all heck broke loose again.

Drug dealers, who had been openly plying their trade across the street — we watched them through the window — were suddenly the target of police, whose cars came roaring down the street from every direction.

So curious were we about this scene, we forgot about the sweater. Thus, we failed to notice that the busboy had picked up the bucket in which the sweater was soaking and proceeded to fill it with dirty glasses, silverware, greasy napkins, etc.

Thankfully, my cousin saw him and began shouting. This headed off the busboy’s subsequent actions, which would have involved the swabbing of dirty tables with an $80 chocolate-white sweater from bebe’s in Chicago.

There was no time to savor our success, however, as another crisis was under way. Our female guest was suddenly overcome by itchiness, an affliction, apparently, that results when Guinness dries on the skin. (Sunburn she’d received during a recent vacation had also contributed to her malady.)

So loudly did she complain — she had passed through “denial” and was well on her way to “anger” — that our efforts at pretending we were authentically Irish were in jeopardy yet again.

I quickly began searching the pub for mayonnaise, which, I’d thought, would remedy her itching. I didn’t realize until afterward that my reasoning had been muddled by an abundance of Guinness and my hopes of rubbing mayonnaise all over her skin had more to do with my needs than hers.

It was about then that the cook came running out of the kitchen, shouting about shots being fired in the alley. Our group had had enough. We rose in unison, grabbed our sweater bucket, hailed a cab and got the heck out of there.

The Irish celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in a more dignified manner than Americans do. Most people go to Mass, take in a parade, then enjoy the rest of the day with family — they don’t get out of hand the way we do.

It is true that one out of four Americans can trace his heritage back to the rolling green hills of Ireland, but do we have to mock our fine heritage by wearing gaudy hats and scarves, getting rip-roaring drunk and singing supposed Irish tunes, such as “The Unicorn Song”?

“The Unicorn Song” illustrates my point perfectly. It was written by Shel Silverstein. He was Jewish.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

As a self-employed writer, I telecommute every day. Thanks to the Internet and my cell phone, I can work for clients from anywhere — my home office, a coffee shop, a campsite in the woods.

And it’s starting to get to me.

Larry Wright / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Wright)

Initially, I thought I’d achieved a dream. I wear blue jeans every day. I set my own schedule. No longer do I waste time in rush-hour traffic or sit in office meetings as colleagues lick the boss’s boots.

But it can sure be isolating at times.

A year ago, I moved back to a house I own in the country. Sometimes, I spend long mornings and afternoons alone there — just me and my computer. I find myself craving basic human interaction.

Last week, for instance, a telemarketer called. In the past, I rushed such people off the phone, but no longer.

Telemarketer: “Would you like to buy the Acme security service?”

Me: “No, but how’s the weather where you are? I hear spring is coming late this year.”

Working from home has also caused me grief from my neighbors. I overheard them talking about me one day.

Neighbor 1: “Do you think he’s in the witness protection program?”

Neighbor 2: “I don’t know, but he should get a pet.”

They think a dog would give me needed company during the day, but I don’t want the responsibility, as I am often not home.

I did try to hire a 24-year-old Swedish nanny, but, regrettably, the nanny agency assured me I had to have a family to hire one.

A month ago, some religious fanatics knocked on my door to give me pamphlets and magazines.

Religious fanatic: “You are doomed to hell if you do not read our pamphlets. Will you support us with a donation?”

Me: “No, but I hear it’s going to rain tomorrow. Would you like some coffee? Do you think I should put rose bushes in the planter?”

There are other problems caused by working alone out of one’s home. On the rare occasions when local clients visit my home office, I’m embarrassed to give them directions.

Me: “Make a sharp left at Homer’s bug zapper.”

Client: “OK?”

Me: “Then turn right at Orville’s compost pile.”

So, I’m not so enamored with the home-office concept anymore.

Humans don’t like to be alone. We are social animals — so social, in fact, that I’m beginning to think Best Buy and Yahoo are onto something: that it is better to spend long days confined to corporate cubicles than it is to work in total freedom, isolated at home.

But both companies are bucking a trend that is surely here to stay.

According to a recent Census Bureau report, more workers are telecommuting than ever before — some 13.4 million in 2010, compared to 9.2 million in 1997.

With fewer employees taking up costly office space, more companies are boosting productivity and reducing costs — and they don’t want to give up such gains.

And like every issue these days, telecommuting has become a political issue. The less you drive your car to the office, the fewer carbon emissions you put into the air.

Thus, the telecommuting trend will likely continue.

So, if you still dream about working from home, be careful what you wish for. Before long, you’ll be craving conversations with telemarketers, religious fanatics and anyone else who will listen.

Which reminds me: The postal carrier will be at my house soon. I need to get the coffee started.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

It was on St. Patrick’s Day 1988 when an unexpected visitor arrived at Pat Troy’s Irish pub in Alexandria, Va — President Ronald Reagan.

For 27 years, it’s been a favorite watering hole for Washington insiders. Some of Reagan’s advance men had been regulars. They secretly arranged the president’s visit.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

Just before noon, the pub was half-packed when Reagan and his entourage arrived. As news got around, the pub quickly filled to capacity. While Reagan enjoyed a pint of Harp and some corned beef and cabbage, Troy was so busy tending to patrons, he didn’t have time to react to his famous patron.

“He had an energy about him that put you instantly at ease,” Troy told me. “He made it easy to carry on as though he was just another patron, so that is what I did.”

Troy took the stage and led the audience in “The Wild Rover.” He directed sections of the audience to compete with each other to see which could sing and clap the loudest.

“You have to clap louder, Mr. President,” he said to Reagan, prompting the president, not used to being given orders, to laugh.

Troy next led the audience in “The Unicorn Song.” While Troy sang the words, the audience mimicked the animals referenced in the song:

“There were green alligators and long-necked geese, some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born, the loveliest of all was the unicorn.”

Reagan turned to watch a group of young women act out the song. His face showed curiosity and delight — he’d never seen this song performed before.

But that was how he was: At the same time he was the world’s most powerful man, the man who felled communism and restored American optimism, he was a man of youthful innocence who found immense pleasure in the simplest things.

When Troy finished, he handed the president the microphone. The normally raucous crowd became extraordinarily quiet.

Reagan spoke off the top of his head. He graciously thanked Troy for having him for lunch. He said it was a great surprise. He talked about his father, an Irishman.

“When I was a little boy, my father proudly told me that the Irish built the jails in this country,” he said, pausing expertly. “Then they proceeded to fill them.”

The crowd laughed heartily.

“You have to understand that for a man in my position, I’m a little leery about ethnic jokes,” he said. The crowd roared. “The only ones I can tell are Irish.”

He talked about a recent trip to Ireland. He visited Castle Rock, the place where St. Patrick erected the first cross in Ireland.

“A young Irish guide took me to the cemetery and showed me an ancient tombstone there,” he said. “The inscription read: ‘Remember me as you pass by, for as are you so once was I, and as I am you too will be, so be content to follow me.”

As Reagan paused, the crowd eagerly awaited his follow up.

“Then I looked below the inscription, where someone scratched in these words: ‘To follow you I am content, I wish I knew which way you went.’”

The crowd roared loud and long, causing the president to deadpan to his advance men: “Why didn’t I find this place seven years ago?”

The pub visit was videotaped by Reagan staffers and released to Troy 10 years after Reagan left office. I watched that video and got to see a snapshot of pure, unscripted Ronald Reagan.

It shows how powerfully and eloquently the man was able to engage any audience, large or small, just by being his genuine self. As we begin the process of selecting our next president, we sure could use another fellow like him.

I’ll be sure to offer up a toast to the Great Communicator as I celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this year:

“To follow you we were content, and grateful for the way we went.”

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“That’s right,” said my father. “You fools haven’t passed an annual budget in more than three years!”

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

“What is this thing you call a ‘budget’?” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.

“For the love of God,” said my mother. “A budget is a framework that sets priorities for spending based on the income or revenue one receives. In the case of the government, it allocates funds among different programs in a rational and organized manner.”

“That is correct, dear,” said my father. “The budget process brings discipline to spending. Since there is a finite amount of income, a budget forces an individual or organization to make tough decisions.”

“Sounds like a lot of work,” said Reid.

“It’s a tremendous amount of work, but it must be done,” said my mother. “It’s because my husband and I established a disciplined budget every year that we managed to raise six children on a single income.”

“It was our duty to our children to create and follow a budget,” said my father. “It is the duty of the Senate to work with the House and the White House to do likewise.”

“We don’t need a budget,” said Reid. “We keep passing short-term continuing resolutions, which are funding the government just fine.”

“Horsefeathers!” said my mother. “By passing short-term budgeting resolutions, you are not addressing the deficit, which will be just shy of $1 trillion again this fiscal year. You are not addressing the need to reform taxes to eliminate red tape, broaden the base and increase revenue. You are not doing your jobs and you should be ashamed of yourselves for the uncertainty you are visiting on our shaky economy.”

“How does this budgeting thing work?” said Reid, with a puzzled look on his face.

“First,” said my father, “you look at how much money you are bringing in. Then you make sure the important items are covered. In our case, they included our mortgage, utility bills, food and savings for a rainy day. Regrettably, we hardly ever had money left over to pay for fun things, such as vacations, new cars and other niceties, so we cut those from our budget.”

“You cut niceties! Why didn’t you just create more money like our government does?”

“For the love of God,” said my mother. “You numbskulls in Washington need to get your heads examined. You are spending this country into oblivion. You are running up debt at an unsustainable level. At some point, this country will no longer be able to print or borrow enough money and the whole thing will come crashing down — and it will be because you lack the discipline to produce a simple budget.”

“But we can’t prioritize spending and cut government programs!” said Reid. “People who like these programs voted for us to keep growing them. If we go through a budgeting process, members of the Senate will go on record showing which priorities they favor and which they don’t. That’s bad politics.”

“Bad politics is what the country needs right now,” said my father. “My wife and I have been disciplined about spending throughout our marriage, because we worried about our children’s future. We managed our affairs sensibly and are happily retired, and our children do not have to worry about our future. But the Senate must produce a budget right now to save our country’s future.”

“Budget,” said Reid. “What is this thing you call a ‘budget’?”

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“When I get mugged?”

“Muggers are polite when you follow their instructions, but they get surly when you are rude,” said his wife.

Gary McCoy / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by McCoy)

“How can you be rude to a mugger?”

“Ignoring the mugger is rude,” said my friend. “This will give him license to strike you with a blunt object.”

“I see.”

“Making eye contact is also rude,” said his wife. “Look only at the mugger’s feet.”

“Why not just run?”

“Running might affect the mugger’s self-esteem,” said my friend. “You’ll give him little recourse but to club you with a blunt object.”

“Then what should I do when we get mugged?”

“Always make an offering of some kind,” said his wife.

“Hand over my watch?”

My friends laughed.

“You don’t wear a watch in this city!” said his wife. “You give up your wallet.”

“But my wallet contains my license, credit cards and other vital information.”

“You don’t hand over your real wallet,” said my friend, looking at his wife like I was an idiot. “You give up a dummy wallet. You carry your real wallet in your sock or your underwear.”

“I keep my credit cards in my bra,” said my friend’s wife.

“What if the mugger looks in your sock?”

“Muggers never do that,” said his wife. “They’re eager to complete their transaction, so they can move on to the next mugging.”

“Can’t you call for a policeman?”

“Ha!” said his wife. “If you can find one.”

“How about Mace?”

“If a mugger catches you reaching for Mace, that gives him license to —”

“Strike me with a blunt object?”

“Precisely,” said my friend.

“What if you were able to carry a gun?”

“The gun laws are very strict here,” said my friend. “It seems the only people who have them are the police or the criminals.”

“But a few years ago, the Supreme Court held that D.C.’s handgun ban violated individuals’ Second Amendment right,” I said. “The court affirmed that ‘the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed’ in federal enclaves.”

“It did?”

“The Supreme Court also ruled on a similar case from Chicago, which is not a federal enclave. It affirmed that the Second Amendment provides Americans with a fundamental right to bear arms that cannot be violated by state and local governments.”

“So the average law-abiding citizen is now permitted to own a handgun anywhere in America?”

“Local jurisdictions are still free to impose a variety of restrictions,” I said. “However, plenty of lawsuits will follow as the details are worked out. In D.C., for instance, law-abiding citizens may own guns but are not permitted to carry a concealed weapon as they walk home.”

“Too bad,” said my friend. “If the muggers feared we had a gun, they might be inclined to leave us alone.”

“But then again,” said his wife, “if the mugger discovers we have a gun, that might give him license to —”

“Shoot us with a blunt object?” I said.”Whatever the case, Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr., writing for the majority, said the right to self-defense is fundamental to the American conception of ordered liberty. It would appear you could use more ordered liberty in your neighborhood.”

As we approached their condo, my friend and his wife sprinted to the door. They scanned for suspicious movement in the shrubs, then ushered me inside and slammed the door.

“We made it!” said his wife.

“That was a close one!” said my friend.

“You have developed an interesting process for dealing with muggers in Washington, D.C.,” I said. “How long have you lived here?”

“We moved in last Friday,” said my friend.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Ah, yes, you speak of a recent study by Stanford University researcher and geneticist Dr. Gerald Crabtree. He believes human beings are undergoing intellectual decline.”

Angel Boligan / El Universal, PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Boligan)

“We are?”

“Writing about the study in the Natural Society Newsletter, Mike Barrett says that, according to Crabtree, our cognitive abilities are the result of ‘the combined effort of thousands of genes.’ If a mutation were to happen to anyone, it could damage intelligence — and Crabtree thinks such mutations have occurred.”

“Which reminds me: Honey Boo Boo is on tonight.”

“Says Crabtree: ‘I would wager that if an average citizen from Athens of 1000 BC were to appear suddenly among us, he or she would be among the brightest and most intellectually alive of our colleagues and companions, with a good memory, a broad range of ideas, and a clear-sighted view of important issues.’”

“Perhaps, but I’m confident I’d beat the Greek at beer pong.”

“Crabtree says part of the reason people are dumber now is that Darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest — the strong survive and the weak are weeded out — is no longer as relevant.”

“Well, Darwin didn’t survive, either, so what does he know?”

“Look, Crabtree is just arguing that the stronger and smarter are no longer necessarily able to dominate society, whereas the weaker and dumber are better able to survive and thrive than ever before.”

“Well, somebody has to run Congress.”

“Barrett, the fellow who wrote about Crabtree’s study, suggests there are additional reasons for people getting dumber. For starters, he says our water and food systems are contributing to lower intelligence. We pump fluoride into our water to prevent tooth decay, but some studies find it has an adverse effect on neurodevelopment in children.”

“If it’s not one thing, it’s another.”

“Barrett cites other studies that show pesticides, which end up in our food supply, are ‘creating lasting changes in overall brain structure … that have been linked to lower intelligence levels and decreased cognitive function.’”

“Maybe so, but who wants to eat an apple with a bunch of wormholes?”

“Barrett also cites studies that show a correlation between consuming processed foods and high-fructose corn syrup and IQ decline in children. Fructose may sabotage learning and memory.”

“I don’t know about IQ decline, but processed foods and high-fructose corn syrup make me cuckoo — cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”

“There is plenty of debate on whether or not pesticides and processed foods are doing as much damage as some researchers claim, but I think we can agree there are other things that are making humans dumber.”

“You’re not going to take away my video games again, are you?”

“Television is the biggest culprit. Every week, American adults spend 34 hours sitting in front of the tube, which trains their minds to be inactive and lazy — whereas reading a book or solving a puzzle helps develop critical thinking.”

“Who needs to think anymore? I rely on the major media to tell me what to think.”

“Regrettably, there is a frightening amount of truth in what you say. There is less critical thinking today. The less critical thinking there is, the easier it is for people to be easily persuaded by television and social media — and the less likely they are to make sound, intelligent decisions about the houses they buy or the politicians they vote for.”

“But back in 2008, everyone was buying houses they couldn’t afford and making a bundle! It wasn’t my fault I bought a mansion just before the bubble burst — or voted for ‘hope and change’ that has never come.”

“My point exactly.”

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Smoking used to be so fashionable and hip in the James Dean and Steve McQueen days.

Women who smoked used to be sexy. No sooner did they pull a Virginia Slim out of a cigarette case than men would rush at them with lighters.

R.J. Matson / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Matson)

Even when smoking was cool, people knew it wasn’t healthy. Some unhealthy smokers sued tobacco companies for concealing the unhealthful effects of sucking carcinogens into their lungs — and not one prevailed.

That changed in 1998, when 46 states sued the four biggest tobacco companies to recover Medicaid costs for tobacco-related maladies. The states won big. The tobacco industry has been nicotine-coughing up billions of dollars to the states ever since.

Or, to be more precise, smokers have been nicotine-coughing up billions. A pack of cigarettes costs five or six bucks. Taxes account for more than half of that price.

In any event, over the years, smoking has lost its coolness appeal among the public. Anti-smoking groups have made tremendous gains banning smoking in public places. To date, 38 states and all 60 of our biggest cities have public smoking bans in place.

To be sure, the anti-smoking sentiment is one of the few bipartisan issues left. People on both the left and right loathe smoking the way people used to hate polio and communism.

Many people on the right, sick of dining in restaurants where smoking was still allowed, were all for government bans on the legal activity. Didn’t secondhand-smoke studies warrant it?

Many people on the left were for such government bans, too, for the simple reason that they love when the government tells people what they cannot do — except when it involves smoking marijuana.

And so it is that the bipartisan anti-smoking mob has relegated smokers to secondary-human-being status.

Smokers are shunned at family gatherings and sent to the garage or the street, so as not to stink up the house.

Even corporate CEOs who smoke are sent to the alleyway, where they mingle with other smokers like hapless pigeons.

And just when smokers thought things couldn’t get worse, boy, are they getting worse.

Government regulators, who are now interpreting President Obama’s Patient Protection and (ha ha!) Affordable Care Act, have determined that smokers should get hammered by insurance companies.

Starting next year, health insurers will be permitted to charge smokers who purchase individual policies up to 50 percent more for their premiums.

A 60-year-old smoker will pay, on average, $5,100 more than he is paying right now.

Why? Well, the fellow’s smoking could cause him to have health issues, which others in the insurance pool would ultimately have to pay for.

Since he is a higher risk for the insurance pool, shouldn’t he be required to pay more?

Many in the anti-smoking mob, on both left and right, surely think so — as they miss the larger point: If our federal government has gotten so big and meddlesome that it can single out a particular citizen who has freely chosen to use a legal product as a vice, what CAN’T our government do?

How long before chubby people and snack-cake eaters and people who like to hang-glide over mountain cliffs are also singled out by the government?

How long before the government in a big city, such as New York, bans salt and large soda drinks?

Oops, that has already happened.

Yeah, I feel sorry for smokers, but the way things are going, we’ll all be mingling like pigeons in alleyways, secretly enjoying snack cakes, salty snacks and sugary drinks and hoping the government doesn’t catch wind of it.

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“What do you mean America’s youth don’t know who George Washington was?”

“Dude?”

Taylor Jones / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Jones)

“He was our first president, our best president and one of the primary reasons the experiment called America was able to work. But of course they don’t teach you that in school anymore.”

“Dude?”

“Scholars and historians deemed Washington to be our greatest president in a Wall Street Journal survey. But another survey shows that Washington’s coverage in history textbooks has declined to less than 10 percent of what it was in the early 1960′s.”

“Dude?”

“Sure, to your generation Washington was just a boring old guy. He isn’t as captivating as the pop singers, movie stars and professional athletes you worship. That’s why the people at Mt. Vernon, Washington’s estate, had to raise $110 million dollars to reshape Washington’s image.”

“Dude?”

“The Mount Vernon people constructed a new orientation center, education center and museum right on the grounds of Mt. Vernon. These new facilities, which opened in October, 2006, feature the story of a younger, studlier George Washington.”

“Dude?”

“The presentations are designed to appeal to short-attention-span kids like you who get most of their information from MTV. A 15-minute film uses action-packed techniques to feature Washington’s significant accomplishments.”

“Duuuuude?”

“No, the film and multimedia presentations do not feature Washington blowing up terrorists, nor does Arnold Schwarzenegger costar. But they do tell the story of a remarkable man.”

“Dude?”

“Did you know that Washington was born into a modestly well-to-do family? What little education he got was given to him by his father and stepbrother. He was a farmer and surveyor and through some inheritance, shrewd business dealings and hard work, he grew his fortune.”

“Dude?”

“From early on he was a natural leader. He had an imposing presence, standing nearly 6’3″ at a time when the average man was about 5’8″. And he was invincible. During one battle in the French and Indian war, four bullets ripped his coat and two horses were shot from under him, yet he was unscathed.”

“Dude?”

“He represented the rebellious American spirit, you see, and he led the charge to break away from the restrictions and regulations of the British. In 1775, he took command of our motley crew of an army and led it in a war that lasted six grueling years.”

“Dude?”

“And, dude, he didn’t have much chance of winning against the British. Nonetheless, he used American ingenuity to completely outwit them. He retreated when they expected him to fight, he fought when they expected him to retreat. Many historians believe that no other man could have won this war. Without Washington, America’s history would have been completely different.”

“Dude?”

“After he beat the British, he was so popular he could have become a king. Instead, he used his immense power to help establish our Constitution, which grants power to us little folks. Then he reluctantly became our first president. He wanted nothing to do with the job, but knew our fledgling government needed his leadership to survive.”

“Dude?”

“After eight long years as president, Washington finally returned to his beloved Mt. Vernon to farm and enjoy life. But he lived only three years in retirement before dying at the young age of 67.”

“Dude?”

“The point is, dude, that one man can make a remarkable difference in the world. Washington was truly a hero — a man who lived his life by simple virtues and a sense of duty. Without Washington, the experiment we call America might not have worked.”

“Dude?”

“That is why the people at Mt. Vernon have gone to so much trouble to make sure we don’t forget Washington’s incredible story. I urge you to visit Mt. Vernon soon and learn all you can about this remarkable man. Now do you have any questions?”

“Dude?”

“Oh, for goodness sakes. Yes, it’s true that Washington grew hemp, also known as marijuana. But he used it to make rope and clothing. He didn’t smoke it!”

“Duuuuude!”

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I speak of the financial woes of the U.S. Postal Service, and the news last week that its hopes to cut Saturday mail delivery to save a few billion dollars a year.

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Sack)

As it goes, President Nixon, tired of strikes by then-government postal workers, signed the Postal Reorganization Act into law in 1971. It established the Postal Service as a quasi-private organization required to pay its own bills with revenue it earns selling stamps.

To the Postal Service’s credit, it has not, for the most part, needed taxpayer money to fund its operations. Taxpayer money, says PBS, “is only used in some cases to pay for mailing voter materials to disabled and overseas Americans.”

But thanks to technology, the postal business isn’t as lucrative as it used to be. Few people write and mail letters anymore. I used to spend three hours each months writing checks to pay my bills and dropping 15 or so payments in the mail — now I do online checking in about three minutes and the funds are transferred electronically, free of charge.

Annual USPS revenue, which peaked in 2008 at $75 billion, is down to $65 billion and will continue to decline as fewer people use the mail. Our struggling economy also is doing the Postal Service no favors.

Compounding USPS woes is a congressional mandate from 2006. It requires the Postal Service, through 2016, to make an annual pre-payment of $5.5 billion into a fund to cover health-care costs for future retired employees.

Unlike Medicare, Social Security or any other government organization, the Postal Service is required to put money into a real “lock box” to fund future liabilities — rather than let future taxpayers worry about covering the costs.

The $5.5 billion pre-payment, however, only accounts for about a third of the Postal Service’s $15.9 billion in losses in fiscal 2012. No matter how you look at it, the Postal Service is bleeding red ink by the tanker load.

That doesn’t bode well for the 550,000 people employed by the Postal Service — America’s third largest employer, in fact, behind the federal government and Wal-Mart. And I feel sorry for these folks.

It’s not their fault the Postal Service is unable to adapt to modern times — unable to find ways to sell new products and services to post offices’ nearly 1 billion annual visitors.

Most postal employees are crushed under the weight of outmoded business processes and bureaucratic inanities. They lack the organizational support to serve customers as well as they would like. They are unable to help their employer grow and thrive.

But here is the real problem postal workers face: Because the Postal Service is technically an independent entity, the federal government won’t extend it billions in printed money to cover its budget shortfalls — as our government does with every other government organization.

If only the Postal Service were still a full government organization, it wouldn’t have a worry in the world — for the moment, anyhow.

Consider: Our government’s annual deficit has been in the $1 trillion range for five years running. What’s another $15.9 billion? All we’d have to do is print another $15.9 billion to cover the Postal Service’s shortfall.

Actually, we’d only have to print another $10.4 billion. Because if the Postal Service were fully a government organization, nobody in Congress would make it put aside $5.5 billion a year to fund the needs of future retirees.

There’s a lot of finger-pointing going on to explain the Postal Service’s budget woes. I say blame it all on Nixon.

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Hey, pallie, what the heck happened to romance?

I use the word “pallie” in deference to the great Dean Martin. A few summers ago, just before the annual Dean Martin Festival in Dino’s home town of Steubenville, Ohio, I decided to compare today’s hits with his.

I started with the No. 1 song on Billboard Magazine’s Hot 100 list, “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira. This song was a hit, no doubt, because of its eloquent lyrics:

Arcadio Esquivel / La Prensa, Panama

Nobody can ignore the way you move your body, girl

And everything so unexpected — the way you right and left it

So you can keep on shaking it

No. 2 on the list was “Ridin’” by Chamillionaire, a rap performer. Here’s a little taste of that song’s poetry:

Tippin’ down, sittin’ crooked on my chrome

Bookin’ my phone, tryin’ to find a chick I wanna (slang expletive)

No. 3 on the list was “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado, a song brimming with love and affection:

You expect me to let you just hit it

But will you still respect me if you get it

Ah, modern romance. Things sure have changed since Dino dropped off the charts. Now I know why: Romance is dead.

Whereas the top three hits above celebrate human nature at its most base — wiggling one’s hips to stoke male arousal, looking for “chicks” to satisfy your urge, or wondering if a fellow will stick around after he samples the goods — Dino’s simple music spoke to the heart.

Consider the lyrics to “Amore”:

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

That’s amore

When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine

That’s amore

Amore means “love” in Italian, a mysterious and magical energy that every human longs for. Love is the basis of many of Dino’s songs. It’s nowhere to be found in the three hit songs I just referenced.

In 1964, when The Beatles’ new sound was making them the most popular band on Earth, Dino knocked “Hard Day’s Night” out of the top spot. He did so with “Everybody Loves Somebody,” an old-fashioned song that resonated with all age groups:

Everybody loves somebody sometime

Everybody falls in love somehow

Something in your kiss just told me

That sometime is now

Whereas many of today’s hit songs celebrate fear, anger and cynicism, Dino’s songs celebrate sweetness and innocence. His songs are idealistic and uplifting. They are ROMANTIC.

Dino’s songs celebrate the subtle dance of the spirit between a man and a woman — the magic that occurs when two complementary natures collide.

They celebrate mystery — the deep interest and curiosity a man holds for a woman and a woman for a man.

They celebrate hopefulness — they focus on the future, on the hopes that one day a special person will enter your life and sweep you off your feet, a person you will love forever.

The simple, intense lyrics of his song “Sway” sum up this longing well:

Other dancers may be on the floor

Dear, but my eyes will see only you

Only you have the magic technique

When we sway I go weak

I know Dino had his peccadilloes in his personal life, but his music remains untainted. With every passing year, as coarseness seeps into our culture a little more, his songs hold more power over me.

We need to get back to the spirit of his music — the spirit of romance. I can’t think of a better day to do so than Valentine’s Day.

All we have to do is observe older couples who fell in love years ago, when Dino was still king of the charts. I marveled at the eloquence of such couples at the Dean Martin Festival a few summers ago.

As the Dean Martin impersonator began to sing — a fellow so convincing you’d think the old crooner was there in the flesh — they sauntered to the front of the stage, holding hands, then began to slow dance. They began to sway with a sweetness and easiness that couples knew long ago.

When there was romance.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I speak of Vice President Joe Biden — who, according to Politico, is “intoxicated” by thoughts of being inaugurated as president in 2017. He’d be delighted to “finish what Barack Obama started.”

Taylor Jones / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view cartoons by Jones)

Well, who better to finish what President Obama started than Uncle Joe? I’ll bet he’d be even better at runaway government spending, lack of budget discipline and total disinterest in addressing entitlement growth, tax reform and other essentials for getting our economy going.

I’m certainly no fan of Obama’s policies, but here’s one area where he really falls short: He’s not funny.

Bill Clinton was funny. He reminded us, said Dennis Miller, of the guy in the college fraternity who used to tap the keg.

President George W. Bush was plenty polarizing during his two terms, but he was funny, too. The press filed reports every time he bumbled his words. And Bush gave late-night comics almost as much material as Clinton.

“As you all know,” said Jay Leno after Bush left office, “George Bush is no longer president, so they’ll be no monologue (tonight).”

There was a lot of truth in Leno’s statement. Obama doesn’t make good fodder for late-night comics. That’s partly because late-night comedy writers tend to skew left and largely agree politically with him.

But it’s also because there’s not much funny about him.

During the last presidential campaign, says the Daily Beast, citing a study by George Mason University, late-night comics did twice as many Romney jokes as Obama jokes — David Letterman did five times as many.

The Romney jokes pulled no punches. With the exception of Leno, however, the Obama jokes hardly ever made Obama the butt of the joke. Here’s a typical example:

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney’s son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar,” said Conan O’Brien. “He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg.”

Which brings us back to Biden.

If there’s anything most people agree on in these polarized times, it’s that every time Biden speaks, he delivers gifts from the comedy gods:

“If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30 percent chance we’re going to get it wrong.”

“When the stock market crashed (in 1929), Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here’s what happened.’” (FDR’s first inauguration wasn’t until 1933, and nobody had TVs to watch in 1929.)

“Stand up, Chuck, let ‘em see ya,” said Biden to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is confined to a wheelchair.

Yes, old Joe is a tremendous source of humor, though here is something that is not so funny: He actually could become president — and could continue the spending, government expansion and lack of leadership Obama has started.

Obama’s machine was skillful turning out new voters — many of whom don’t worry about things like debt, deficits and potential economic collapse. That machine just might put an old political character like Joe into the nation’s highest office.

My preference is for a bold, results-oriented reformer, such as Republican Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal — someone with the guts to attack our problems boldly and ideas that will get the needed results.

I worry that the majority will reject such ideas, however, and that our transformation into a slow-growth, high-tax, high-debt, European-style state is inevitable.

Ah, well, if old Joe becomes president, at least we’ll get some decent late-night jokes out of it.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Ring. Ring.

“Hello, this is Tom.”

“Happy birthday to you, Tom!”

“Who is this? How did you know it was my birthday?”

Mike Keefe / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Keefe)

“Your birth date is public information — it’s listed on your voter registration card. But that’s not important. What is important is that I’m here to help you.”

“Help me?”

“We feel it’s time for you to upgrade your computer, Tom. It’s taking you forever to surf through the Web sites you visit.”

“You know which Web sites I visit?”

“Of course. Not long ago, America Online got into trouble for releasing such information. We had a good laugh when we learned your favorite search terms are: Madonna, bikini, before she turned 40.”

“This, sir, is an outrage.”

“We’re just trying to help. Incidentally, that 27-year-old flight attendant you met in the online chat room?”

“What of her?”

“She’s 64 and married.”

“You have no right to —”

“Don’t get excited, Tom. According to the free blood pressure clinic you visited — you remember filling out that card, don’t you? — your blood pressure is awfully high.”

“You know my blood pressure?”

“Of course. There are lots of ways to get that information now. Didn’t you know that security cameras and other devices mounted in public places are now able to check vital signs?”

“My vital signs!”

“Absolutely. Some surveillance systems can identify you by how you walk. And special programs can track your eye movements. Retailers use them to get a better idea of what shoppers are looking for.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“As serious as a heart attack, Tom. Which is why you ought to cut back on the corn chips. Do you really need to eat three bags a week?”

“You track my corn chip purchases?”

“That discount card the grocery store gave you is quite revealing. Incidentally, you forgot to redeem your coupon on the free devil’s food cake. I’ll send another if you’d like.”

“What you’re doing is surely against the law!”

“Law? There are no laws to prevent us from knowing about you. Everything you buy with your credit or debit card is incredibly easy for us to track — and most of the things we do to track you are legal.”

“They are?”

“Yes, and every time you fill out any form, your personal information is stored in computers and shared with goodness only knows who.”

“Without my permission?”

“Of course. And did you know that your Social Security number has more than 40 congressionally approved uses? You can’t drive, vote, apply for a job or open a bank account without revealing that number. That’s a godsend to people like us.”

“But this is immoral!”

“A typical statement from a 50-year-old, single, middle-class Catholic conservative who tends to vote Republican.”

“Have you no shame, sir?”

“I’m not the one who is 12 months overdue at the library on ‘How to Win Over Women and Influence Courtship.’”

“I’ll report you to the press.”

“That’s a good one, Tom. The press is eager to criticize the government for monitoring phone calls and wire transfers, when there are hundreds of other threats to privacy that the press hardly ever talks about.”

“Then Congress must write new laws to protect us.”

“That’s an even better one, Tom. In the electronic global village in which we all now exist, technology is moving so rapidly that no law can keep up with it. The only way you can protect your privacy is to stop giving out ID numbers, stop using computers and stop using your credit cards.”

“I can’t afford that kind of inconvenience.”

“Neither can I, Tom. Which brings us back to the reason I called. I have some products to help you upgrade your computer.”

“There are only two things I want from you: your name and phone number.”

“Sorry, but I can’t give you that information. That information is private.”

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Did you know, warns our government, that “(w)inter storms can range from a moderate snow over a few hours to a blizzard with blinding, wind-driven snow that lasts for several days”?

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cardow)

News to me.

Or that “(m)any winter storms are accompanied by dangerously low temperatures and sometimes by strong winds, icing, sleet and freezing rain”?

There’s no reason to panic — so long as you follow government tips before, during and after a storm.

To prepare for ice, for instance, be sure to assemble an emergency kit that has “(r)ock salt or more environmentally safe products” that the government recommends at the Environmental Protection Agency website.

I’m happy to protect the environment, but I’m not terribly interested in whether or not the environment is offended by rock salt when the environment is trying to hurt me.

Our emergency kit should include sand, too, as it provides traction on slippery surfaces. It should include shovels or other snow-removal devices. My mother has one of those in her kit: my father.

Sometimes, things can get so bad in the winter, we are warned, that we may lose power and heat. If you have a fireplace, be sure to stock up on seasoned wood! (For the moment, the EPA still allows us to burn wood in our fireplaces.)

Once you have followed these groundbreaking government tips to plan for a storm, you need to learn what to do during the storm.

The first thing the government recommends is to stay inside! That makes sense to me. It’s warmer and drier inside. We must fight the urge to lie in the yard in pajamas and get covered with snow.

If you must go outside, however, be careful walking “on snowy, icy walkways.” Snow and ice, apparently, are slippery.

The government warns us to not overexert ourselves while shoveling. That is sound advice. Overexertion while shoveling can, and does, lead to heart attacks, particularly in middle-aged fellows who are not in great physical shape.

Yet, every year, we men, fully aware of the risk, overexert ourselves while shoveling — and one or two of us have heart attacks and end up on the local news along with reports from medical experts who tell us we ought not overexert ourselves while shoveling.

Frostbite is a big worry. Symptoms “include loss of feeling and white or pale appearance in extremities such as fingers, toes, ear lobes, and the tip of the nose.”

I am no expert, but another symptom is that YOU ARE REALLY COLD, so stop shoveling and go inside the house.

The government warns about hypothermia, too. Symptoms “include uncontrollable shivering, memory loss, disorientation, incoherence, slurred speech, drowsiness, and apparent exhaustion” — and a propensity to vote for politicians who are eager to bankrupt the country.

I am no expert, but another symptom is that YOU ARE REALLY COLD, so stop shoveling and go inside the house.

If you somehow manage to survive the storm, you are not out of the woods yet. After the storm passes, the governments warns you to stay indoors, if possible. If you must go outside, be sure to dress for the weather to protect against frostbite and hypothermia.

To the government’s credit, it does offer a few useful tips to prevent your pipes from freezing, and on what to do if you are stranded in your car.

For the most part, however, if you need to rely on the government for obvious steps to take to deal with snowstorms, your worries are much greater than winter weather.

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Norman Rapp’s dad saved my life that day.

Maybe I better explain.

An article on MSNBC.com discussed how kids raised in the 1950s, ’60s and ’70s are survivors. We survived chain-smoking adults, meat-and-potato diets and rough-and-tumble fearlessness of every kind.

It was the Evel Knievel era, after all. Knievel became famous doing wheelies and jumping his motorcycle over cars and buses. Every kid with a bicycle sought to emulate him.

Andy Singer / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Singer)

We built ramps from warped plywood and set them on rickety blocks. We took our bikes to the top of Marilynn Drive — a hill so steep it may as well have been a cliff — and roared down it, made a left onto Janet Drive, then kept pedaling until liftoff.

It was a grand feeling to soar through the air — it was grand to experience a tremendous surge of adrenalin — though our landings weren’t often pretty.

This was the early ’70s, after all. We didn’t wear helmets or pads. When our rear wheels hit the pavement, we wiped out plenty — we got hurt plenty, too.

The average kid then was covered with scrapes and bruises. When a landing went really wrong — when a kid went down especially hard — a mom would arrive, the moaning kid would be loaded inside a wood-paneled station wagon and off he’d go to St. Clair Hospital for stitches or a cast.

Which brings us to the day I could have died.

I was riding a five-speed Murray Spyder bike that year. My fifth gear allowed me superior speed and, thus, superior distance off the ramp. I held the neighborhood record for the longest jump — until some outsider broke it.

I wasted no time reclaiming my record. I rode to the tippy-top of Marilynn Drive. I started off in first and, pedaling like mad, pounded through the gears all the way through fifth.

I was moving faster than ever when I cut a hard left and continued on Janet. I pedaled faster and harder — the wind whipping through my David Cassidy hair — as I pointed my bike toward the center of the ramp.

A dozen kids stood on the left side of the road — some cheering for me, some against — while two others stood near the ramp to mark the spot where I would land.

Suddenly, as my front tire hit the ramp, everything went into slow motion. The jolt was spectacular. It caused my sweaty fingers to lose hold of the handlebars.

I remember floating through the air like a directionless missile — my arms flailing as my body sought to regain its balance.

I remember the tremendous impact that shot through my spine as the rear wheel hit the pavement — how my bike began wobbling wildly.

I was heading for a big, wooden telephone pole. I leaned left, then right, and, miraculously, avoided the splintery pole.

The worst was yet ahead. I was roaring toward a thicket of pine trees. Their trunks and branches would surely turn me into kid stew.

Then Providence intervened. His name was Norman Rapp’s dad.

Mr. Rapp, a welder, had built a giant street-hockey net. Norman stored it in the pine trees where I was headed. The net caught me like a glove. I didn’t suffer a scratch.

A doctor in the MSNBC.com article says that most kids of my era survived their childhood just fine. However, some were badly hurt or worse. A helmet could have saved them. I certainly wear a helmet now when I ride.

But it’s also true that whereas kids were once free to roam and explore — free to experience “the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat” — many of today’s kids aren’t free to do anything.

I regained my bike-jump record that day. I’m confident it will stand.

Even if a kid were daring enough to rig up a ramp and jump his bike now, he’d still be covered in more protective gear than a Transformer.

There’s no way a kid carrying that much weight will ever fly as far as I did the day I could have died.

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Eric Allie / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Allie)

“That is correct. Every year, Gallup does a survey on political ideology and it generally finds that 40 percent of Americans describe themselves as conservative, whereas half as many describe themselves as liberal.”

“Yeah, and some liberals think that all conservatives are religious-right, government-hating racist extremists, which is foolhardy. I’m a lifelong Democrat. I’m also what might be called conservative.”

“Democrat and conservative?”

“It can be done. Like the majority of Americans, I’d go for a balanced-budget amendment to get our spending in order. Like most Americans, I don’t spend more than I make and am careful to save for a rainy day.”

“Well, Gallup did another poll last November that compared Democrats and Republicans. It asked them if they have a positive or negative view about capitalism, the federal government and socialism. The majority of Republicans favored capitalism, but had a dismal view of the government and socialism, whereas the Democrats who were polled were much more favorable toward government and socialism than they were toward capitalism.”

“I suppose so. You have to figure the more liberal Americans tend to be registered as Democrats, and the more conservative Americans as Republicans, but there are still a good number of Democrats like me who want commonsense policies that bring badly needed order to our government.”

“As a Democrat, you surely think Republicans are too hard on welfare recipients.”

“Nope. The welfare reform plan the Republicans pushed and President Clinton signed into law was one of the most effective domestic reform policies ever — though just before the last election, President Obama tossed out the work requirements that were the heart of the policy. Welfare was designed to help the indigent, not the able-bodied. And right now, way too many able-bodied people are getting too many government freebies.”

“That is a fair point, too. The nutrition assistance program — it used to be referred to as the food stamp program — has doubled to $80 billion a year under Obama. College kids from well-to-do families qualify for the free grub and are happy to accept it.”

“That’s right. Doesn’t everyone know someone who is gaming the system and feels no shame in doing so? One fellow I know of got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 19. They now have two children and the government gives her free grub, free utilities, a nice apartment and many other niceties. The young fellow lives with her. If the two were to marry, they would lose most of their benefits. I am a Democrat and I am disgusted by such things.”

“Maybe we ought to stop separating ourselves along rigid ideological lines and come together to press our dirty rotten legislators to address the very real problems we face. Spending is the elephant in the living room, but Obama is offering up no plans to trim it, and few news outlets are doing much to make voters aware of the severity of this problem.”

“That is a good thought. Regardless of whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, we will all go down together. Any sixth-grader can see we are on an unsustainable spending path that is going to blow up in our faces in the very near future.”

“So how do we come together to make our legislators address these problems? Americans are more divided now than they have been in many years.”

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

By Tom Purcell

It sat in my parents’ dining room for 30 years or more: an old oak stereo console with large speakers concealed by green fabric. It filled my childhood with a harmony and clarity we could use lots more of about now.

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cam)

Sundays after supper, the sweet smell of coffee and pot roast and pineapple upside-down cake still in the air, my father (the Big Guy) loved to play his favorite albums on it. He liked Barbra Streisand in those days. He loved Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. And he’d go nuts when he played “The Stars and Stripes Forever!” by John Philip Sousa.

He’d turn the volume high and begin marching through our small house, lifting his legs and arms high and making exaggerated faces the way comedian Red Skelton did with his Clem Kadiddlehopper character. We’d jump from the table and follow behind him, marching and laughing until tears filled our eyes.

That old console played nonstop during the Christmas season. Our stack of records usually began with the “Holiday Sing-Along with Mitch Miller” followed by “Christmas with the Chipmunks.” Then came “Snoopy vs. the Red Baron” and Bing Crosby. As soon as Bing finished, we restacked the albums and played them again.

My mother used the stereo more than anyone. She loved to listen to it while working around the house. She loved to whistle, too, a habit she learned from her father (and one she passed along to me).

Hers was a high-pitched whistle — the sound of a happy robin singing on a sunny spring morning — and she could harmonize with most tunes. Sometimes she tuned in to an AM station that played Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Other times she’d play her Doris Day album. I still can hear her whistling to “Que Sera, Sera.”

I’ve been thinking about the old stereo console lately. With so much yapping and shouting on television and the radio these days — so much partisan rancor in our politics — I just want to escape it all.

I’ve been longing for the sweet, simple music that the stereo console brought into our home — a simple harmony and clarity for which the world is in desperate need.

My family doesn’t have the old music player anymore, but I did buy a new turntable recently. My mother’s cousin gave me dozens of old albums she no longer listens to and I’ve been working my way through them.

The other night I listed to Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Bobby Darin. It was wonderful to transport myself from our noisy world into one of clarity and harmony and simplicity. It was wonderful to travel back to the 1950s and 1960s.

Human nature and the world were messy then, too, but the noise level was much lower. There was no cable then — no channels to allow the yappers to yap. The average citizen was certainly a lot more civil then than the average fellow is now in our harried times.

Perhaps we’d all be better off if more folks started collecting old albums — if more folks tried re-creating the simple childhood memories of the old stereo consoles that once sat in their parents’ dining room.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

David Ftizsimmons / Arizona Daily Star (click to view more cartoons by Fitzsimmons)

In 1940, Jane and some of her extended family resided at 1509 Orchlee in Brighton Heights. She was 71 then and listed as “head of house.” Her place of birth was listed as “France.”

She was born in Alsace-Lorraine, after all, and came to America with her family as a girl. Her parents ran a North Side tavern. That’s where Jane met her husband, Thomas Purcell, an Irish immigrant who would become a mill foreman.

Jane and Tom married in 1886, when Jane was 18. They would have seven daughters and one son — and face their share of loss.

One daughter, Adele, died in 1891, at age 3. A second, Stella, died in 1916, at 19. A third, Mary, would give birth to sons Johnny in 1909 and Thomas in 1911, but Thomas would die in 1912 — and Mary would be taken the following year, at 25. Jane would take her grandson Johnny in and raise him.

In 1927, Jane would lose her husband to cancer. He was 65. They’d had a good life and he’d provided well for her.

She was 59 then and fortunate that her only son, Tom Purcell Jr. — my grandfather — would help support her. A charming fellow with a head for numbers, he would soon become a personal accountant working directly for the Mellon family. He’d marry my grandmother Beatrice and have two children, my Aunt Jane and my father, Tom.

The stock market would crash in 1929 and Jane’s family would suffer its effects. With companies going under and jobs being lost, her children and their children would be forced to share homes — some moved back in with her.

Her son Tom was a savior during these years. He enjoyed a secure income, though he spent much of it providing shoes and other necessities for his mother, siblings, nieces and nephews.

But in 1937, Jane would lose her only son, too. My grandfather died of strep throat at the young age of 34, a tremendous blow to Jane and her family.

All of this took place before the 1940 census. The Depression lingered and many households were comprised of extended-family members living together to make ends meet. According to the 1940 census, Great-Grandma Jane’s household included:

Her youngest daughter, Jean, 29, whose occupation was listed as “stenographer.” She earned $900 that year.

Her grandson Johnny, 31, a carpenter by trade, who could find no work in his field. My grandfather had gotten him a job as a bank guard. He listed his income as $2,506.

Her daughter, Helen, 47, and Helen’s husband, Cornelius, 48. Cornelius was a pattern maker, also unable to find work in his field. His occupation was listed as “substitute teacher,” his income as $1,100.

Helen and Cornelius’ sons, Jack, 12, and Tom, 10 — now 85 and 83.

Jack told me the house was always full of activity. There was always someone at home. Every other Saturday, all of Jane’s remaining children and their children would gather. As the adults played cards upstairs, the children played in the fruit cellar in the basement.

When Jane and her family participated in the 1940 census, they had no idea that the country would soon enter the Second World War, that her grandson Johnny would be drafted early (he would make it home) or that her son-in-law Cornelius would soon be working so many hours as a pattern maker — in support of the war effort — that he and Helen would save enough money to buy their own house in 1943.

When they did, Great-Grandma Jane would sell her old home, which held a million wonderful memories. She’d share the proceeds with her children. She’d move in with Cornelius, Helen and their sons. Her grandson Johnny would move in with them when he returned from the war.

For the next four years, she’d enjoy the company of her children and grandchildren, most of whom lived within blocks and would visit her often. Her health suffered during her last few years, and in 1947, she died quietly at home at the age of 78.

So there you have it: a snapshot of the wonderfully full life experienced by my Great-Grandma Purcell — a snapshot made possible, in part, by the 1940 census.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. For info on using this column in your publication or website, contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Get this: The federal government is offering tips on New Year’s resolutions.

I stumbled upon its “Popular New Year’s Resolutions” page on usa.gov, the official Web portal of the United States government.

“Lose Weight” is one. When I clicked the link there, it took me to the page for the Weight-control Information Network (WIN), a government agency tasked with keeping the public informed about obesity, weight control, physical activity and nutrition.

Adam Zyglis / Buffalo News (click to view more cartoons by Zyglis)

WIN’s advice: “To lose weight you need to take in fewer calories than you use” and “create a healthy eating plan.”

Excited by such groundbreaking information, I moved along to “Manage Debt” — something the government surely knows plenty about.

Its link took me to the Federal Trade Commission’s Consumer Protection page. There I was advised that if I’m knee-deep in debt, I’ll want to develop a budget and contact my creditors. I was also warned to be leery of debt-restructuring agencies.

So useful was that advice, I couldn’t wait to move on to “Save Money.” Its link took me to a page that offered 66 ways to save.

I clicked on “Credit Cards” and was informed that, to avoid a late fee, I ought to send in my payment five to 10 days before the bill is due. I also learned that I can avoid interest charges if I pay off my balance each month!

Since I own some rental properties, I was curious to see what money-saving tips the government is giving to prospective renters.

To wit: Renters are encouraged to shop around for the best deal — or find a building they want to live in and contact the building manager to see if there is availability.

And before signing a lease, renters should be cautious: “Remember that signing a lease probably obligates you to make all monthly payments for the term of the agreement.”

Probably? I’ve written a few leases in my day. I’ve been careful to keep “probably” out of the final drafts.

Nonetheless, the government offers two other useful suggestions: “Drink Less Alcohol” and “Quit Smoking Now.”

The first link brought me to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism page. The existence of this government agency struck me as ironic.

Our government is doing so much to cause us to drink — spending, deficits, debt — that it has to establish another government entity to help us stop?

The smoking link took me to another government Web site, smokefree.gov, where I learned that smoking isn’t good for you. I was able to get live online help from a federal employee at the National Cancer Institute.

Though I don’t smoke, I was so delighted by the “free” government support, I’m looking into starting.

“Reduce Stress Overall” was another resolution suggestion. The link took me to MedlinePlus, an online encyclopedia of health information. It is a service of another government entity, the U.S. National Library of Medicine.

There I learned that long-term stress isn’t good — that to address it, one must get to its underlying causes.

Well, here are some underlying causes.

Our government has gotten so bloated, it is offering tips on New Year’s resolutions — and directing us to government agencies to help us keep them?

If any entity should be making resolutions, shouldn’t it be the federal government — and shouldn’t its resolutions be based on the will and direction of the people?

Of course the birds in charge are ramming through legislation regardless of our will.

It’s enough to drive a man to drink.

When I break that resolution, the last place I’ll go for support is the federal government.

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons syndicate. For info on using this column in your publication or website contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Medicare offers a fine example.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

The Medicare mess began in 1965 when Lyndon Baines Johnson continued FDR’s tradition of buying votes with the voters’ own money: That’s when LBJ signed Medicare into law.

Medicare actually worked well for many years — when there were lots more people paying into the insurance program than there were Americans over 65 using it.

But, like most government programs, Medicare was too good to last. There are four reasons why.

First, old folks don’t croak anymore — or at least live longer. They are happier and healthier than ever before, as anyone would be who doesn’t pay local taxes and gets free coffee at fast-food joints. But many of them receive Medicare, which is costly.

Second, new medical technologies are expensive, which drives up Medicare costs. These technologies are keeping people alive, which is terrific, but that has the effect of further driving up Medicare costs.

ObamaCare is killing technology companies’ incentive to keep inventing life-saving devices — it places a 2.4-percent tax on gross revenue, which equates to a massive 15-percent tax increase on profits — but that is another story for another time.

The third reason Medicare costs are soaring has to do with medical inflation, which has risen dramatically over the years. This inflation is partly due to the government pumping billions into the medical system via Medicare.

That’s right, Medicare has helped drive up the cost of Medicare.

The fourth reason is the biggest driver of soaring Medicare costs: Baby boomers are retiring in big numbers. Today, about 48 million Americans are enrolled in Medicare. That number will jump to more than 80 million.

This year, the federal government will spend just over $600 billion on Medicare. That number accounts for 60 percent of the federal deficit now. It will jump to $1 trillion by 2020 and continue to soar from there.

In 1965, there were nearly five workers paying into the system for every person receiving benefits. Today, there are only three workers paying in for every person taking out — a ratio that will drop to 2-to-1 in 2030 when millions of baby boomers are enrolled in the system.

We are unable to meet our current obligations and are coming up $1 trillion short every year. How on Earth are we going to meet future Medicare obligations that are growing by leaps and bounds?

Yet most of our political leaders, in particular our president, have not done a whit to address this very real problem.

During his first term, President Obama established the Simpson-Bowles commission to identify non-partisan solutions to our debt and deficit crisis — our real crisis — and then promptly ignored it.

The president and Congress took us through this fiscal-cliff nonsense without touching the elephant in the room.

So here we are, stuck on stupid, headed for certain disaster, and nobody is doing a thing to get Medicare under control before it and the other entitlement programs sink us all.

You’d think that when a person casts a vote for a particular political leader, the voter would demand that the leader lead — but only a minority of American voters have any idea how frightening our financial situation is.

And you’d think that leaders would willingly accept a crisis they are presented with during their time in office — but our president is choosing to ignore the real one he is facing.

That is the real crisis.

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons syndicate. For info on using this column in your publication or website contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Send comments to Tom go to Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Every year about now, the media introduce us to the most fascinating people of the prior year.

They always overlook people like Joe Horne.

A tailgunner in the Army Air Corps during World War II, Horne and his crew enjoyed 11 successful missions.

They didn’t expect to survive their 12th: orders to bomb a heavily guarded munitions plant in Munich.

Pavel Constantin, Romania (click to view more cartoons by Constantin)

As they approached their target, Horne fought off German fighter planes. German flak was another matter.

Heavy flak hit the plane hard. It lost altitude so fast that its windows shattered. The landing gear was destroyed.

Their only hope was to make it across the Swiss border for a crash landing.

As the plane’s belly hit the ground — as uprooted earth and stones whipped through the broken windows — the pilot told the crew to evacuate before the plane exploded.

Horne dived out a window and was bruised and cut as he tumbled along the ground — but he survived.

The Swiss would detain him in internment camps in Adelboden, Switzerland, for six months — camps, writes Cathryn Prince in “Shot from the Sky,” that were a dark secret of World War II.

So long as he did as told, he was free to move about the town. He learned to ski and even had time to fall in love with a beautiful Swiss girl.

But he and a few others crossed the line when they got into a fistfight with Nazi sympathizers.

They spent 30 days in the Wauwilermoos military prison in Lucerne, where they received little food or water and occasional beatings.

After his release there, he and his crew were about to attempt an escape from their camp when word arrived that all Americans detained in Switzerland were being repatriated.

On leave in Pittsburgh, Horne attended a dance. He fell hard for a striking woman across the room — love at first sight. Her name was Dorothy Kvederis. He would marry her four years later.

He joined the post office in 1946, when he was discharged. After two and a half years of attending college at night, Horne decided to suspend his studies.

He was happy with his life.

By 1954, he and Dorothy had saved enough to buy a house — the house in which he still lives.

He and Dorothy would be blessed with a daughter and two sons — a teacher, dentist and corporate executive, respectively.

He loved his job. During the last 40 years of his 46-year postal career, he delivered mail in a predominantly black section of Pittsburgh, PA.

Despite numerous opportunities to take over cushier routes inside air-conditioned high-rise buildings, he loved his route and would give it up only when he retired in 1992.

He and Dorothy finally had time to enjoy life. They traveled. They attended church every morning. They spent time with family and friends.

Their carefree existence ended on Oct. 4, 1992, when Dorothy suffered a stroke. Horne would spend the next 14 years caring for her — getting no more than two hours of sleep every night — until she died in 2006.

Now 87, he misses her desperately, but his days are full.

The old Irishman (his grandfather changed the family name from “Horan” to “Horne,” hoping it would help him find work at a time when the Irish faced “need not apply” signs is a passionate Notre Dame fan.

He has a zest for living, a fine wit and he puts a spring in the step of anyone lucky enough to cross his path.

Yeah, he was never famous or rich, but he was surely influential. Great civilizations are built on the shoulders of such giants.

If only the media featured more people like Joe Horne at this time every year.

—–

©2013 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons syndicate. For info on using this column in your publication or website contact Cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. Comments to Tom go to Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Purcell: Isn’t this another example of reckless politicians exploiting an emergency to fund pet projects and pork?

Daryl Cagle / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

Deep Mole: Pet projects? Pork? There is no pork in the president’s proposal.

Purcell: You’re nuts. As this bill worked its way through the Senate before Christmas, Democrats slipped in all kinds of non-emergency goodies. Then they offered more goodies to Republicans to win their support.

Deep Mole: Goodies?

Purcell: Why does the bill include $2 million to repair roof damage at Smithsonian buildings in Washington, D.C.?

Deep Mole: The Smithsonian is a national treasure that Sandy victims may one day visit. We must make sure they are not traumatized by leaky museum roofs!

Purcell: Nice try, my friend. Why does the emergency bill include $336 million for Amtrak-related expenses?

Deep Mole: Amtrak is a common mode of transportation for New York residents to travel to Washington and go to the Smithsonian. We must make sure Sandy victims are not traumatized by broken-down trains.

Purcell: You are clever. Then explain why the emergency bill includes $8 million to buy new cars for federal agencies.

Deep Mole: Many federal agencies are assisting Sandy victims. They need new cars from government-owned General Motors to drive to the areas where government services are most needed.

Purcell: You’re good. Then explain why the bill includes $150 million for fisheries in Mississippi and Alaska.

Deep Mole: Hurricane victims are known to work very hard cleaning up their messy homes and burning excess calories. It is essential they have access to high-protein American fish!

Purcell: Then explain how $4 million for repairs at the Kennedy Space Center has anything to do with a hurricane in the Northeast.

Deep Mole: The John F. Kennedy Space Center has launched many historic flights into space, bringing inspiration and hope to millions of Americans. Aren’t inspiration and hope what Sandy victims need most?

Purcell: Not bad, my friend, but this waste is yet another example of our politicians “not letting a good crisis go to waste.” Our country has almost $16.3 trillion in debt. We are accumulating additional debt at the rate of $150 million an hour — yet the gravy train keeps rolling. Our political leaders are out of control.

Deep Mole: They are?

Purcell: Yes, the Taxpayers for Common Sense explain that the federal government has established a clear definition of what an “emergency” is to determine which incidents or events are worthy of federal relief. Emergency spending should only support something that is necessary, sudden, urgent, unforeseen and not permanent. Those are the rules.

Deep Mole: Rules? The Senate has not passed a budget in more than three years. There are no longer any rules. In our republic the only thing that can stop out-of-control politicians from spending recklessly are the voters — and a majority of them no longer care about what we waste money on, so long as they get their cut.

Purcell: Well, if the pork-laden version of the Sandy bill passes the Senate, the only hope is that the Republican House will do its job and strip out the waste. It is called checks and balances.

Deep Mole: So naive. If Republicans in the House do anything to hold up the bill, the president will tar them for withholding assistance to the victims of Sandy and the media will saturate the airwaves with images of the obliteration Sandy caused. Dumb Republicans can’t win for losing.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact cari@cagle.com or call 800 696 7561. To contact Tom email Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Abner had been a “volunteer” at the Little Sisters of the Poor retirement home in Pittsburgh, one of the many private facilities that provide high-quality care and compassion to the elderly poor within 31 countries.

I first wrote about him in 2007.

As it went, Abner was brought to the Little Sisters home in 2005 when his owner, Gorman Walker, became a resident.

Gorman and his wife, Doris, had gotten Abner as a puppy in 1999. At that time, Doris had been battling cancer. Gorman thought a dog would inspire her to go walking every day.

The couple visited a farmer who’d bred a litter of Brittany spaniels. There were only three puppies left when they arrived. One ran to Doris and immediately made his affection known. Gorman and Doris knew right away they’d found their pup. Doris named him Abner after her childhood dog.

Abner produced the desired results — Doris took him for a long walk every morning. The two were soon inseparable.

In January 2005, Doris’ cancer finally caught up with her. Gorman did his best to carry on after Doris was gone, but it wasn’t easy. They’d been married 53 years. He missed her desperately. Thank goodness he still had Abner.

But Gorman’s health began to deteriorate. He’d had heart issues for years but was so busy caring for Doris, he had no choice but to keep going. Without her, his heart weakened rapidly.

Gorman knew he couldn’t take care of himself anymore, but where to go? Most retirement homes didn’t allow pets. The thought of parting with Abner was unbearable.

Then providence intervened.

See, for nearly 20 years, Gorman had been a Little Sisters of the Poor volunteer. The sisters at the home had cared for Gorman’s mother in her last days; he began volunteering his time and services there after she died.

In the process, he befriended many wonderful people. Two good friends were Dan and Kitty Hilinski, who had begun volunteering in 1994 after the sisters cared for Kitty’s mother. Dan and Kitty were aware of Gorman’s predicament.

They had the perfect solution.

You see, after so many years of giving, Gorman suddenly needed to receive. Just as he was no longer able to care for himself, a space opened up at the Little Sisters residence. Gorman had found his home.

So had Abner.

Dan and Kitty adopted the dog. Since they volunteered at the home four days every week — and still do — Abner was able to visit Gorman plenty, and did. In fact, Abner went on to become the house dog, bringing cheer to many residents at the home.

Gorman would live at the Little Sisters home for three wonderful years. He died on Dec. 6, 2008.

But Abner’s work continued. He continued bringing joy to elderly residents until Dec. 6, 2012 — his last day as the home’s volunteer dog.

He was nearly 14, after all. He was suffering from cancer. With bad joints in his knees and hips, he had difficulty standing. He was no longer able to make his rounds at the home.

On his last day, when he was taken to the veterinarian, Dan and Kitty were beside themselves with grief. They comforted Abner. They told him he’d soon be back with Gorman and Doris, as well as with another wonderful woman, Patricia Lowe, who’d cared for him after Gorman died.

And so, Abner was put to rest.

I was sad to learn Abner is no longer with us. Then I realized the joy he’d brought into my own life — look at all the wonderful people he helped me to meet. I marveled at the joy he had brought into the lives of so many.

And now you know about the incredible life of Abner the volunteer dog.

(The Little Sisters of the Poor relies on private donations. To donate time or money, visit www.littlesistersofthepoor.org or call 412-307-1268.)

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Ah, yes, you speak of the latest self-created crisis in our government, what some refer to as the ‘fiscal cliff.’ If Congress and the president don’t agree to new terms on spending and taxes, the Budget Control Act of 2011 will automatically go into effect.”

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cardow)

“And then the sky will fall?”

“It won’t be pretty. A number of tax breaks, such as the Bush tax cuts from 10 years ago, will end and automatic cuts will kick in across 1,000 government programs — in particular, the defense budget and Medicare.”

“But isn’t this latest crisis a drop in the bucket when you compare it to the real spending and deficit crisis just down the road?”

“That is unfortunately correct. Even if President Obama were successful in letting the Bush tax cuts lapse for Americans making more than $250,000 a year, it would generate only about $100 billion a year in additional revenue — about one-tenth of our current budget deficit.”

“We’ve had $1 trillion deficits for four years now, with no signs of significant improvement.”

“That is unfortunately correct, too. The only way to get ourselves out of this mess is to get spending in order, relative to revenue. We need to reform our tax system, which is now a complicated mess. We need to do all we can to unleash private-sector wealth creation — because without it, we are headed for some very horrible times.”

“Which is why I don’t think I have the energy to keep up with it all. Trying to stay informed is time-consuming. It is disheartening to be outmuscled by so many voters who, despite our financial mess, voted for more spending and no clear plan on trimming entitlement programs.”

“Look, neither side is happy when it loses at the polls, but you must never give up.”

“Fair enough, but you agree that it is getting harder to keep up with all we must know to be informed voters.”

“That is a fair point. Our country has grown ever more litigious; our government, incredibly big and complex. Giant bills are voted on in Congress when most of our elected representatives have no idea what is in them.”

“I thought they had to ‘vote on them to find out what was in them.’”

“Sad, I know, but it gets worse. There are more than 50 regulatory agencies in the federal government. The regulators create rules based on their interpretation of the complex laws passed by Congress and signed by the president. The EPA is having a field day within the Obama administration — just one of many examples and an ambitious regulatory agenda.”

“You are saying that people we do NOT vote for are the ones who write and enforce the actual rules that we all must abide by?”

“That is correct. The regulators have the power to fine us or even throw us in jail.”

“That doesn’t sound so good. I hope you can understand why I am so low on energy these days. The government is somewhat out of control. Debt, spending and regulations are inhibiting growth, yet the people who understand and worry about these things are outnumbered by people who are either unaware or couldn’t care less. Didn’t the exit polls show that the debt and deficit were third on the list of voter concerns?”

“Which is why you have to speak up and engage even harder. We need to press the debate on the issues that matter. We need to make our legislators address them now. That is how a republic works.”

“I know you are right, but still, I am low on energy. I tire of the partisan nonsense surrounding the self-created fiscal cliff. All the yappers on cable television and the media talk about everything but the big, very real issues. I need to turn it all off for a while. I need to take a long nap.”

“How long?”

“Can you have someone wake me up in 2016?”

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” and “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com.

http://www.cagle.com/author/daryl-cagle

“What could America possibly have to gain by spying on the French?” I said.

“The people currently running your government admire our country,” said Pierre. “We have many cradle-to-grave government programs and powerful government unions. Our unemployment is more than 10 percent — even in good economic times, unemployment rarely goes below 7.5 percent! — and we just raised the top tax rate to 75 percent on the rich.”

“Regrettably, some Americans do admire such things, but I don’t see why we’d have to hack your computers for this information.”

“I will tell you, then, the real reason they would do it: romance!”

“Romance? You’re losing me, Pierre.”

“Look, now that the American economy is bogged down by new regulations, a growing government and massive debt, it remains stagnant. With so much less work to do, Americans finally have free time to learn how to woo a woman. This requires secrets that only French men know.”

“You’re saying American men are poor at the art of romance?”

“Of course, you fool. Tell me: What would a typical American male consider to be a romantic date?”

“That’s easy. We pick up our better half about 7 p.m., go to the diner for a couple of burgers, knock down some pins and brew at the bowling alley, then have 75-cent nightcaps at the American Legion.”

“Clumsy oaf! This is not what women want! Let me share with you the basics on how to woo a woman. First, you promise to take your lady to a special place, but you don’t tell her where.”

“We American men have the promise part down pat!”

“Then, you go to a fine winery and find yourself a fine French wine. Not too dry, not too sweet.”

“I already have a jug of that stuff in my refrigerator.”

“Then, as you walk to her place, you stroll through the fields until you pluck a lovely flower.”

“Are graveyard flowers acceptable?”

“And as you approach your beautiful lady’s home, you prepare yourself for her.”

“Double-check your deodorant?”

“No, you American peasant! You must MENTALLY prepare yourself for her! You close your eyes and dream of a faraway beach in the South Pacific.”

“I do that when I’m at work.”

“Then you picture yourself lying on the sand. And you imagine that you open your eyes and see a stunning woman, a mermaid, splashing about in the sea.”

“Did you say mermaid?”

“She is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. You stand and run into the water to be near her, but she laughs at you and swims away.”

“What if she starts smacking you with her flipper?”

“She will not smack you, idiot Yankee! You must long for the mermaid, and as you are, you ring your lady’s doorbell. Your lady will open the door. She will see the longing in your eyes and think you are longing for her!”

“If you say so.”

“You give her your flower and wine, kiss her, then take her to a fine French restaurant, where you will charm her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear.”

“Let me get this straight. You are suggesting that the U.S. government hacked into the French presidential office to find out French secrets on how to woo women?”

“Of course, but mainly your government was after the greatest French secret of all!”

“And what would that be, Pierre?”

“How to woo women without your wife finding out about it.”

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com.

It was a great week, no? President Obama has won a second term. The transformation into a French-style democratic model shall commence!

Comment allez-vous? You are not doing so well? Be happy, my friends!

Eric Allie / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Allie)

It is true that America was founded on a very simple idea: liberty! Liberal thinkers of that time distrusted government and saw its expansion as an encroachment on freedom.

When America’s Founders declared their independence from Britain, these are the radical words they used: “We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness … .”

Your Founders believed government should defend the basic rights of the individual, so the individual could pursue his or her passion freely.

An amazing concept, liberty! It unleashed the most energetic, inventive economy in the history of mankind for many years.

It was the dream of millions of immigrants to come to America. They fled lands that inhibited their abilities to pursue their passions, but America did not.

So they came and worked hard, thankless jobs in mills and coal mines — so their children could embrace an even greater American dream.

The early immigrants were proud people. They could not accept handouts and government assistance — even if they were desperate for them. They asked for nothing but the opportunity to work and make their own way.

They taught pride to their children. Their children would go on to get educations and become doctors, teachers, business leaders — pursuing their own passions at a higher level.

All institutions thrived in this free land. Religious institutions were free to build and grow, to believe and preach anything they wished. The government was forbidden to intrude and religion flourished.

But America is changing, no? Très bien, merci

In this new America, pride is a dying concept. So many younger people have no shame in accepting the government assistance their great-grandparents shunned.

College kids from upper-middle-class homes are eager and happy to accept government food cards. The government advertises the free food in their college newspapers. Only a fool would turn it down.

Americans have long been generous in helping the truly poor and destitute, but how many of you know of others who take advantage of this generosity?

What of the young man, 21, who works as a cook? He has two children with his girlfriend. She lives in a very nice apartment paid for by the government. She has free health care for her kids, free utilities, free food.

Do not tell the government, my friends, but the young man, a source of unreported income, lives with his girlfriend. A family should be together, no? Marry her, you say? You fool! And lose the benefits?

Such is becoming the norm in America. It is a key reason why more than 40 percent of American babies are born to unwed mothers.

It is true that immigrants still come and some are proud and ask only for the opportunity to pursue their passions freely.

But the majority of them, hardworking though they may be, very much enjoy government benefits now. Working menial, hard jobs does not pay so well. The government can make life so much easier — so why not vote for the politician who promises to give you the most, as more than 70 percent of Latino and Asian American voters did?

There is no shame in this, my friend! A new era has arrived. America is much more like Europe now. The growing number of people who happily depend on government benefits represent a powerful voting block that can be the deciding factor in any election, as it was on Nov. 6.

Why fight it, my friend? Pour some cognac in your tea and join in on the fun!

C’est la vie, America!

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com.

The outing had started off well enough. My father spent several minutes searching for a spot (it took time to find a window speaker that worked). We got out of the car as he opened the tailgate and folded down the back seats, then got back in. We began devouring corn curls, potato chips, onion dip and pretzels, and washed them down with Regent soda pop.

Dave Granlund / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Granlund)

The blue sky soon fell dark and the film projector began rattling. Black-and-white numbers — “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” — flashed onto the screen. Yellowed footage advertised hot dogs, popcorn and other concession items we could never get our father to buy.

It didn’t take long before we began squabbling over pillows, blankets and positioning. My sisters complained that my big noggin was blocking their view, and so I was banished to the back of the car.

As I recollect, we went to see “Paper Moon” that night — a movie about a Depression-era con man and a young girl who travel around taking people’s money — but my sisters say it was “Herbie the Love Bug.”

Whatever the case, I was so busy devouring snacks — we didn’t have them often, so I was taking advantage of my good fortune — I didn’t care about the movie. My stomach was soon so full, however, that I ended up lying on my back, groaning in agony.

It’s important, at this point, to understand how everyone was situated.

My father sat in the front seat on the driver’s side. My mother sat to his right holding my sister Jennifer. She “shooshed” us constantly to keep us from waking the baby. In the back, under the pile of blankets and pillows, were my sisters Kathy, 14; Krissy, 12; Lisa, 6; and Mary, 4.

Throughout the first and second movies, there was plenty of sleeping, waking, snoring, squabbling, shooshing, complaining (“Mommy, Tommy stinks!) and trips to the restroom.

Unbeknownst to everyone, however, 4-year-old Mary — she always had a touch of wanderlust — had slipped out the back of the car to go to the restroom. Preoccupied with my aching belly — I was groaning pretty loudly by then — I didn’t notice her slip by me.

About then the second movie was coming to a close. My father, always eager to beat the rush, hurriedly packed up the cooler and fired up the car. It never occurred to anyone that Mary might not be under the blankets. Off we drove as the final credits began to roll.

I don’t recall how far we got before Lisa shouted, “Where’s Mary?”

My mother, trying not to disturb the baby, instinctively began shooshing. It took five minutes or more before Lisa persuaded everyone that Mary was still at the drive-in.

Panic overcame us. My father made a hard U-turn and floored it. Our wood-paneled Plymouth station wagon roared down the road like the car in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

We fishtailed as we hit the gravel parking lot. The lot was empty but for the car that had been next to ours. Mary stood next to it holding the hand of somebody else’s dad (who waited patiently for the dopey family that forgot one of its kids).

My sisters and I laugh every time someone brings up the incident — in part because such a thing could never happen today. Today’s obsessive parents, terrified by cable news, never let their kids out of their sight.

To my family’s credit, however, Mary was the only child we ever lost. None of us was ever left at a highway rest stop, as one family we knew did. Another left their kid at a camp ground in Ohio after a family vacation.

In any event, everything turned out well in the end. Mary has four children of her own now. She hasn’t lost any of them yet.

—–

This is an excerpt from the humorous memoir “Misadventures of a 1970s Childhood” by Tom Purcell now available at amazon.com.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com.

“Ah, yes, you speak of the recent hullabaloo surrounding the Jeep brand.”

“You got that right. I don’t want our prized American brands being made anywhere but America!”

Martin Sutovec / Slovakia (click to view more cartoons by Sutovec)

“Relax. Mitt Romney was playing footsie with the truth when he said that Jeep plans to move all its plants from the U.S. to China. Jeep is a division of Chrysler and Chrysler has no such plans. Chrysler has added 7,000 jobs in the U.S. since its 2009 government bailout.”

“But there are plans to expand Jeep production in China.”

“Yes, but that’s nothing new. Jeep began making cars in China since the mid-1980s!”

“They did?”

“In 1985, says the Los Angeles Times, Jeep set up a plant to produce the Jeep Cherokee in alliance with China’s state-run automaker. China is now the world’s largest auto market. Wouldn’t you want to build and sell Jeeps there?”

“Well, what about plans to make Jeeps in Italy?”

“That part you have right. As part of its government-managed bankruptcy in 2009, Chrysler was sold to Italian automaker Fiat SpA. Fiat announced plans to manufacture a new Jeep SUV in its Italian plants — mostly because their plants are under-utilized due to the slow European economy.”

“But they plan to export that Jeep back to America! I’m all for a global economy, but there is something wrong about Italians making a Jeep and selling it back to us!”

“I understand your emotional attachment to the Jeep brand. It is an American icon with a unique heritage.”

“You got that right! The American Bantam car company invented the Jeep in 1940 in Butler. It was an innovative design that would contribute greatly to our success in World War II. After the war, it became a beloved American brand, and still is.”

“I couldn’t agree more. I recently bought a new soft-top Jeep Wrangler and love it. It is capable off-road. It has the distinct Jeep look. And every time I drive past another Wrangler owner, I am greeted with the ‘Jeep wave.’ You have to own a Jeep to understand.”

“Oh, I understand. That’s why I want to keep Jeep a purely American-made brand.”

“Look, I understand your nostalgia, but the global economy has already changed many American icons. A Belgian company now owns Budweiser. A German company owns Alka-Seltzer. A Japanese company owns 7-Eleven. A Swiss company makes Gerber baby food.”

“Tell me it ain’t so!”

“It gets worse. Levi’s blue jeans are now made in Latin America and China. The Converse high-top basketball shoe is made in Asia. GI Joe and other Mattel toys are made in China!”

“Surely there are some traditional American brands that are still made here?”

“Yes, Harley Davidson still makes its iconic motorcycles here. Kitchen Aide makes most of its mixers here. Weber still makes the world’s finest grills here. But it is getting harder for American manufacturers to maintain profitability.”

“But why?”

“Expanding EPA rules and regulations are increasing energy costs. An expanding money supply is inflating gasoline and transportation costs. Additional mandates, such as health care, are increasing employee costs. Employees at these companies are giving up wage concessions to keep their jobs. There is a LOT we can do to make the U.S. more friendly to manufacturing.”

“Look, I know the world is changing. I have no problem with Jeep expanding to new markets. That ultimately makes the company more profitable and, to that end, benefits American workers.”

“Then what’s your problem?”

“I want tough-guy American assembly-line workers putting my Jeep together, not some Italian guys who sing opera music and eat Gorgonzola cheese!”

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com.

“Why are you calling me, Ahmadinejad? You know we’re not ready for one-on-one talks.”

“But Mahmoud and the mullahs worried about American election! We worry Obama will lose!”

“I’m not going to lose, you nut job. People love me here. I give them other people’s money.”

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

“But Mahmoud think Romney use Iran to score big points in debate. He scare people into thinking Iran developing nuclear weapons and that you not do enough to stop us!”

“That’s not true. My sanctions are killing your economy and if anyone knows how to slow an economy, I’m your guy.”

“But Romney threaten to make Iran sanctions worse. Mahmoud and the mullahs fear he will block American cable TV just as ‘Dancing with Stars’ getting good.”

“Romney isn’t as tough as I am. I killed Osama bin Laden.”

“Here’s what really worries Mahmoud: Romney threaten to indict me under United Nations genocide convention for my threats to eliminate Israel. Mahmoud like Obama much better.”

“You like me! If you don’t stop the development of nuclear weaponry, I’m going to be your worst nightmare.”

“But Romney is Republican like those crazy Bush presidents. The Bushes say they will attack Middle East and then do — three times!”

“Yeah, well, when I’m in a second term and don’t have to run again, you better give up nuke production or I’ll really let you have it. I have Israel’s back, buddy.”

“But Obama not visit Israel. You visit other countries in region. While in other countries, you say America has been arrogant and dismissive. You say America has made its share of mistakes. Mahmoud like such words!”

“You’re quoting me out of context, you zealot. I was merely trying to distance myself from the reckless policies of my predecessor.”

“Mahmoud really like how Obama sit on sidelines when uprising break out in Iran. Obama let Mahmoud and mullahs squash protesters before they succeed. Mahmoud like that!”

“You better watch your step or I will squash you.”

“Mahmoud more worried that Romney squash Iran. Mahmoud fear that Obama’s policies in Middle East make him look weak — that Obama olive branch is backfiring and that Middle East hate America just as much as ever.”

“Not true. My charm is working on the people there. It takes time, but they’ll come around.”

“But radicals kill your ambassador in Libya. Violence breaking out all over. Al-Qaida is far from dead. Obama appeasement policies no seem to be working. No wonder American voters think Obama lack respect, which allows Mahmoud and the mullahs to keep building nuclear weapon. That’s why Mahmoud want to help Obama!”

“Help me? How can a crazed half-dictator help me?”

“First, Mahmoud cut deal with tough dictators and shady leaders from around world. They all endorse Obama in public now — not good for Obama image. So Mahmoud persuade them to NOT endorse you.”

“What are you talking about, you madman?”

“Mahmoud get Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to complain about Obama being hard on him, then he break down crying on TV!”

“Go on.”

“Then Russian President Vladimir Putin go on TV and say you negotiate too tough and get the better of him.”

“Keep going.”

“Then Mahmoud complain that Iran can’t take tough Obama sanctions anymore and Iran finally give up nuclear bomb ambitions!”

“Nice try, Ahmadinejad, but you have a long history of mistruths and exaggerations. I highly doubt that you will do what you say you will do.”

“Funny, Mahmoud think very same thing about Obama.”

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com.

“Hey, Father, how you doing?” he said to the priest.

“Well, Joseph, not so well of late. There is great concern among the religious community about actions the Obama administration has taken as part of ObamaCare.”

“What are you talking about, Father?”

Taylor Jones / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Jones)

“Joseph, earlier this year, the Department of Health and Human Services issued a regulation, directed by ObamaCare, that requires all non-church religious institutions, such as hospitals and schools, to provide employee health insurance that includes contraception, sterilization and abortifacients.”

“But we fixed that one, Father. Rather than make religious employers pay for these things directly, we told the insurance companies they had to provide these things free!”

“And you really think insurers are able to provide these things free, Joseph? They will not. The costs of contraception, sterilization and abortifacients will ultimately be rolled into the insurance premiums that religious organizations will pay — which is tantamount to providing financial support for things such as abortion — and religious institutions cannot morally accept your ‘fix.’”

“Ah, c’mon, Father. You act like there is an assault on the Catholic church. I made it absolutely clear during my debate when I said that ‘no religious institution — Catholic or otherwise, including Catholic social services, Georgetown Hospital, Mercy Hospital, any hospital — has to either refer contraception, none has to pay for contraception, none has to be a vehicle to get contraception in any insurance policy they provide. That is a fact. That is a fact.’”

“But you have your ‘facts’ wrong, Joseph. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops issued a letter that rebukes your statements completely. The letter says, ‘The HHS mandate contains a narrow, four-part exemption for certain “religious employers.” That exemption was made final in February and does not extend to ‘Catholic social services, Georgetown hospital, Mercy hospital or any hospital,’ or any other religious charity that offers its services to all, regardless of the faith of those served.”

“That’s a bunch of malarkey, Father. The bishops have no problem with us!”

“You aren’t paying attention, Joseph, so let me be clear: The Catholic church cannot and will not pay for a government-mandated insurance policy that funds and enables actions that violate our religious beliefs — yet that is exactly what the government is now forcing us to do. And that is why there are more than 40 lawsuits, brought on behalf of Catholic bishops and other religious organizations, to stop you.”

“Lawsuits, Father? Well, that’s news to me.”

“Perhaps this is also news to you, Joseph: This matter is about much more than the right of a female student at a Catholic university to have contraception covered by her university-provided health insurance policy. It is about simple freedom, Joseph.”

“I’m not following, Father.”

“This country was founded on the concept of freedom, including religious freedom. Religious freedom was the reason the Pilgrims came to America from England. The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guarantees such freedom: ‘Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

“So what is your point, Father?”

“Joseph, by using the might of the federal government to tell religious organizations what insurance products they must purchase for their employees, hasn’t the government created a law that is prohibiting their free exercise of religion?”

“Ah, heck, father, all we’re trying to do is make insurers cover the cost of birth control.”

“It is a winning position for a politician to take, Joseph, but surely you understand that this issue as not as simple as you make it out to be. The truth of the matter is that you either misspoke or deliberately misled people during your debate. I assume you entered this confessional to confess?”

“Not at all, Father. I had to go to the bathroom and thought this was the john.”

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com.

Purcell: Thank you for agreeing to my interview request, Big Bird, but I am shocked to see you drinking and smoking. I thought you were only 6.

Big Bird: I’m a character actor, man. Forty years ago, I took the only role a tall, yellow lark could find. When I’m off the set, it’s party time.

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

Purcell: You’ve been in the news lately. Mitt Romney said he’d cut your public funding. President Obama used you in a political ad to attack Romney. What are your thoughts on this turn of events?

Big Bird: It’s regrettable, man. We’re about promoting literacy to kids through entertainment, not politics.

Purcell: But you receive taxpayer funds to air your show. The Christian Science Monitor says Sesame Workshop, the production company that produces your show, generates a whopping $130 million in annual revenue, yet still accepts $10 million in government support.

Big Bird: Perhaps we could get by fine without government money, but “Sesame Street” is small potatoes. Of the $445 million in annual public television subsidies, about half goes to small stations in rural areas that otherwise might lack the resources to stay on the air.

Purcell: Look, Big Bird, when President Johnson established public television in the ’60s, there were only three broadcast networks. Today, there are hundreds of channels to choose from on broadcast, cable, satellite and the Internet. Does it make sense for the government to be in the public television business?

Big Bird: Perhaps not, but you can’t deny that the Public Broadcasting System (PBS) has done some stellar work over the years that you haven’t seen on other channels.

Purcell: Fair enough. WQED’s news shows and documentaries do a tremendous job examining Pittsburgh’s history, culture and events. Unlike local for-profit news shows, WQED doesn’t do car wrecks and building fires every 30 seconds.

Big Bird: Nor does PBS do hit pieces on yellow-feathered public figures who have one too many at the pub.

Purcell: The truth is, Big Bird, PBS has been so successful that only 15 percent of its total funding comes from the government. Most comes from viewer donations, gifts and corporate sponsorships. It is surely doing something the public likes. So why can’t it execute its business model without taxpayer funds?

Big Bird: Look, man, if you were a business that got $445 million from the government every year, would you give it back?

Purcell: But you could get by without government funding. The Washington Examiner reports that Sesame Workshop has assets worth nearly $290 million. Your CEO earns nearly $1 million a year. Your company and PBS are now working with commercial entities to produce programming for Sprout, a 24-hour commercial channel for children. How is it right to accept $10 million annually from the government when that money is being borrowed, or created out of thin air by the Federal Reserve?

Big Bird: Hey, our $10 million is a drop in the bucket relative to the country’s $1 trillion deficit. Until everyone else on the government dole starts ponying up — big companies, politically connected bunglers and lots of government and quasi-government organizations — I got no problem accepting free government dough.

Purcell: But don’t you care about the debt and deficit challenges facing our country? Nobody likes cuts, Big Bird, but all government programs, large and small, have to put some feathers in the game. Can’t you see that our country is broke and headed for certain disaster?

Big Bird doesn’t answer. The butler returns to the parlor with a fresh bourbon. He places an unlit cigarette in Big Bird’s beak, lights it and tells Big Bird his bath has been drawn. The butler guides me to the front door. The interview is over.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970′s Childhood,” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. 

Purcell: The U.S. government and private industry are facing increasing attacks by sophisticated state-sponsored cyber adversaries. What the heck is going on?

Sleep with the Phishes: Well, dude, emerging economies have always gotten ahead by stealing product designs and other useful information from successful companies in more advanced economies. In the old days, they had to use spies and bribe people. Now, thanks to cyberspace, all they have to do is penetrate global computer networks. They have gotten very good at doing so.

Patrick Chappatte / International Herald Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Chappatte)

Purcell: But professional hackers who work for the Chinese government allegedly breached a White House computer system. Why attack the White House?

Phishes: Well, dude, we don’t know for sure. But in addition to attacking private companies to steal intellectual property, state-sponsored hackers have a vested interest in penetrating government and military systems to gather intelligence, learn about top secret strategies and tactics, and maybe even plan future cyber attacks.

Purcell: What kind of cyber attacks?

Phishes: The U.S. military uses sophisticated tools and computer systems to wage war. Imagine if you were able to gain access to those tools and systems and shut them down in the middle of an exercise — or combat. This is why the U.S. military now views cyberspace as its new domain. They need to protect it just as they do land, sea, air and space.

Purcell: So how did state-sponsored Chinese adversaries allegedly penetrate White House systems?

Phishes: Yes, they allegedly tried to penetrate White House systems, but they are trying to penetrating multiple government systems. What they do is called “phishing.” They send bogus emails to people. The emails have attachments or links that connect to malicious sites. Once the emails are opened, the attachments or links unleash “malware” that can run in the background undetected. It can capture a person’s user name and password. Once an adversary has that information, he may be able to gain access to potentially sensitive information.

Purcell: Did the adversaries make off with classified information from the White House?

Phishes: No, dude, the malware was detected and shut down before any harm occurred. But personally, I think the Chinese were up to something else!

Purcell: Such as?

Phishes: Look, the Chinese own more than $1 trillion in U.S. debt. I think they are trying to monitor the White House’s real plans to address America’s debt and deficit problem.

Purcell: That sounds a little farfetched.

Phishes: In a normal world, it would, but if my hunch is right, the Chinese could be on to something. America is spending $1 trillion more every year than we are taking in. The Federal Reserve is printing money out of thin air and buying a significant percentage of U.S. debt.

Purcell: We are printing money to buy our own debt? That doesn’t sound so good.

Phishes: It is not so good. You need not be an Ivy league economist to see disaster ahead if the economy doesn’t get turned around. All that funny money and debt can create massive inflation or, worse, a real collapse. That would make the $1 trillion in bonds the Chinese hold a bust.

Purcell: So you think the Chinese are using sophisticated adversaries to keep an eye on their $1 trillion investment?

Phishes: Considering how poorly America is responding to its problems, wouldn’t you?

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Born in the thick of the Great Depression, they were taught from an early age how to pinch a penny.

Though they were little at the time, they experienced the sacrifices of World War II. My father was drafted and served two years in the Army during the Korean War.

By the time my parents married in 1956, America was on its way. Like many couples of the Silent Generation, they were filled with confidence and optimism that the world was secure and the American economy would prosper.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

It prospered beyond anyone’s wildest imagination for the next five decades.

My parents would have six children between 1957 and 1971. My father worked hard to generate income, as my mother worked harder at home to minimize the costs of running a large household.

My father never expected to live a long life. His father died at 34. His mother died at 69. My father didn’t expect to make 70.

So when he had an opportunity to retire at 60, after 37 years of 60-hour weeks, he took it. He was able to do so, in part, because his Social Security benefits would supplement his retirement income.

He’s 79 now, retired for nearly 20 years, and he is saddened by the mess our country is in. America’s massive debt, deficit and spending worry him.

His generation could never borrow and spend so recklessly.

How will younger generations foot the bill? What will the country be like for his kids and grandkids long after he is gone?

Will they ever get to enjoy the sort of retirement he’s still enjoying? The answer is probably “no” for most of us.

It’s simple demographics. My mother and father entered the world with little and acquired more in wealth and good fortune than they ever would have asked for.

After World War II, as politicians established a number of entitlement programs, the costs were initially sustainable.

The population was growing. The economy was growing. And so the politicians kept on promising and spending and, for the most part, all was well.

Until the collapse of 2008.

America is broke now. We are producing about $1 trillion less in government receipts than we are in government expenditures. We need massive growth to meet our obligations but our growth rate is anemic.

Medicare and Social Security are two big reasons for our indebtedness. As baby boomers begin to retire, those entitlements’ costs are growing by leaps and bounds.

Consider: When the Social Security Act was passed in 1935, there were 16.5 people working for every person receiving benefits. The average lifespan was much shorter than it is today.

Now, every person receiving benefits is supported by just 2.9 workers. The average recipient is getting thousands of dollars more than he or she ever paid in.

Medicare spending is growing massively every year. It cost nearly $600 billion in 2011 — accounting for about 60 percent of our current budget deficit — and will double over the next decade.

The average Medicare recipient’s benefits are well in excess of $100,000 more than he or she paid in.

It is the younger generations that are footing the bill for these costs. Anyone with basic math skills can see that these programs’ future is not looking so good. Their costs are soaring so rapidly that there are not enough working young people, or tax revenue, to cover them.

That certainly isn’t my parents fault. They worked hard. They contributed well to their country and community. They produced six responsible children who are working hard — and generating far more tax revenue than my parents are receiving in Social Security benefits. (They have private insurance and do not use Medicare.)

Still, my parents timed their American experience just right. They had a fantastic run at a fantastic time in American history.

And they worry that if America doesn’t get its affairs in order, their kids and grandkids may never enjoy the sort of golden years that they have been so blessed to enjoy.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Ah, yes, you speak of the results of the Fraser Institute’s recently released ‘Economic Freedom of the World: 2012 Annual Report.’ It shows that Canada is the fifth freest economy, whereas America has plunged to the 18th spot.”

Eric Allie / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Allie)

“That’s right. It’s a real bummer to see America fall so far so fast in the rankings.”

“To be sure. The report says that from 1980 to 2000, the United States was generally rated the third freest economy in the world, ranking behind only Hong Kong and Singapore. Between 2000 and 2010, we fell to the 10th spot. In just one year we plunged to the 18th spot!”

“What are we doing wrong to fall to 18th on the list?”

“Well, the Fraser Institute says that the ‘cornerstones of economic freedom are personal choice, voluntary exchange, freedom to compete, and security of privately owned property.’ It uses 42 variables to measure economic freedom in five key areas: the size of government, legal systems and property rights, sound money, freedom to trade internationally, and regulation. America has lost ground in all five.”

“But why have we lost ground so fast?”

“The Fraser report say it’s difficult to point to the ‘specific causal factors of the decline,’ but does offer a few possibilities, such as abuse of eminent domain, government bailouts, and restrictions brought about by the war on terror. In a nutshell, as the government does more and regulates more, the less free the economy becomes. And our government has grown massively in recent years.”

“It has?”

“Absolutely. Arthur Brooks, president of the American Enterprise Institute, wrote in The Wall Street Journal that America is no longer at risk of becoming a European-style big-government social democracy — because we already are one.”

“We are!”

“‘From the progressivity of our tax code, to the percentage of GDP devoted to government, to the extent of the regulatory burden on business, most of Europe’s got nothing on us,’ he wrote. In 1938, the height of the Great Depression, total government spending — federal, state, local —was 15 percent of GDP. In 2010, it was 36 percent of GDP. And as the government grows, economic freedoms contract.”

“That’s not good when you consider economic freedom is the key to greater prosperity for all Americans.”

“That is true, too. The Fraser Institute finds that nations that are economically free outperform nonfree nations in indicators of well-being. Per-capita GDP is higher, poverty is lower, life expectancy is higher and political and civil liberties are much greater. Look at the massive success America has had in its history across all of these measures. Look at how we are unable to pay our bills now.”

“That’s why I’m keeping my eye on Canada.”

“The Canadians are doing very well. According to the National Post, they began to rise in the economic freedom rankings in 1995. They reined in government and dramatically reduced government spending under former Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, a Liberal. Their current Conservative prime minister has maintained the trend. The Canadian economy is doing well as the American economy continues to stumble.”

“Then what are we to do?”

“Get back to the drawing board and reform our tax system, entitlements and other government policies. Everyone agrees we need smarter regulations, but we also need to balance them against economic freedom. We need to restrain government spending and grow our way back to health, as Canada has done.”

“Our political leaders aren’t getting along so well these days. What if they don’t do it?”

“The wife and I will start thinking over our career prospects and we may be suddenly open to moving to Canada!”

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

A handwriting expert — she was among 19 Americans to be accepted into the U.S. Secret Service Advanced Document Training Program — Dresbold has helped resolve some of America’s highest-profile crimes, as told in her book “Sex, Lies, and Handwriting” (michelledresbold.com).

I asked her to analyze the signatures of President Obama and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney.

What can a handwriting expert tell us about the signatures of Barak Obama (top) and Mitt Romney (bottom)?

“Obama’s overly large signature shows he likes attention and is a bit of an egotist, which is common among public figures,” she said. “He does something unusual with the ‘O’ and ‘b’ in his last name.”

Whether Obama does it consciously or subconsciously, by intersecting his “O” and his “b,” he forms the Greek letter “phi.”

“Since ancient times, this symbol has represented the golden ratio, the ideal proportion. Obama is determined that things be balanced.”

With the exception of the federal budget.

Dresbold shared another interesting observation: The style Obama uses for his signature is entirely different from his other handwriting.

“Whereas the rest of his handwriting is simple and direct, his signature is very flowery and hard to read. His signature reveals him to be a showman in public, but also shows him to be someone who conceals what he is really thinking.”

Obama may be good at concealing what he is really thinking, but not nearly as good at that as his pals in the media are.

“Obama’s regular handwriting also shows him to be very strategic and pragmatic — a tough cookie. He rules his life by what he thinks and believes, not by emotion.”

Which is interesting. Many people think Romney is more pragmatic and aloof than Obama, but Romney’s handwriting shows that he is driven by his feelings and desires.

“Romney’s signature leans heavily to the right. This reveals a person who is more emotional and works more out of passion and from the heart.”

Though Romney is also very analytical.

“His ‘M’ is very pointed and angular. This suggests he is very analytical and likes to investigate and analyze to know the answers. Angular people can be very tough, too.”

And he’s goal-oriented.

“His ‘t’s’ are flying off the stems. This shows that he is always looking for that high, unattainable goal.”

Such as not only becoming president of the United States but fixing the mess we are in?

“In his signature, he makes a cross between his ‘t’ and his ‘R.’ This means religion and the meaning of life are very important to him. His squashed ‘e’ suggests he doesn’t always listen to others.”

That is interesting. Romney is perceived to be a good listener, but his handwriting suggests he is not. Dresbold told me Obama’s handwriting suggests he is a good listener, but his policies, which remain left of center despite the 2010 elections, show that he is not.

Like Obama’s signature, Romney’s shows he likes to conceal what he is thinking.

“The way his ‘e’ and ‘y’ run together shows that he likes to skip over things and be ambiguous. He likes to give himself some wiggle room, so he doesn’t make things as clear as they could be.”

Such as his plan to rein in runaway spending, fix the deficit and grow the economy in a manner that placates both the left and right in our highly divided country?

I’m not running for president and even I am wise enough to keep such thoughts to myself.

Unlike Obama, whose handwriting shows that he excels at language and communication, Romney’s handwriting shows he is much better at math.

Though that doesn’t appear to be a skill used much in Washington anymore.

In any event, the handwriting of both fellows reveals them to be interesting, intelligent people. Maybe handwriting analysis isn’t the best way to judge a candidate.

But it reveals one thing worth noting: Of the two candidates, Romney is more hopeful than Obama.

“Before Obama was president, his handwriting traveled sharply uphill,” says Dresbold. “This means he was upbeat and optimistic. Now, however, his signature has flattened. His optimism is not so great as it once was.”

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com. 

“The war on men? This is going to be good.”

“Look, if you ask me, this ‘war on women’ thing is mostly just a difference of opinion. Some people think the government should pass more laws to give women special workplace rights or force faith-based employers to include coverage for contraception and other reproductive matters in their health insurance policies for employees.”

“OK, fair enough.”

John Cole / Scranton Times-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Cole)

“Well, just because other people don’t want the government telling organizations what they must or must not do doesn’t mean they are against women. It means they don’t like the idea of government establishing more laws and mandates to right every wrong, perceived or otherwise.”

“So you’re saying the ‘war on women’ crowd thinks it is being victimized and wants the government to intervene, whereas the ‘leave us alone’ crowd prefers individual freedom and wants the government to butt out. But what does this have to do with the supposed ‘war on women’?”

“Well, if we men adopted a victimization mindset, we could complain about lots of things. Here’s one: During our bad economic spell, many states helped close their budget shortfalls with high taxes on beer! It’s well-known that men consume way more beer than women, so aren’t such taxes sexist?”

“Where is the ACLU when you need it?”

“And did you know Medicare no longer covers Viagra? That’s going to have a terrible impact on my relationship with the wife during my retirement years.”

“How so?”

“If the wife knows I have a stash of those pills, she’ll spend way more time at the mall, ensuring peace and quiet for both of us. But there are plenty of other areas where we men are victims.”

“Go on.”

“Have you noticed that when you’re out at an event, women go to the bathroom together, but men never do? I think it’s because the women’s rooms are bigger and, depending on the joint, have cushy lounge chairs or couches. The government should mandate equal bathroom rights for men.”

“You want the government to do that?”

“Sure. If we men had more space, we’d go to the bathroom together, too. We could talk about things, such as good prostate health, that will improve our well-being and decrease medical costs. The government should like that, now that it’s running our health care.”

“As odd as it sounds, you make some sense.”

“But the biggest area where men are being targeted is by female state legislators. You wouldn’t believe some of the anti-male laws they’re trying to pass.”

“You are right about that. Angered by some state laws that require women to get various tests before they make reproductive decisions, such as abortion, some female politicians have been striking back. I read about it on BuzzFeed.com.”

“That’s right. One Virginia state senator tried to pass an amendment to a bill that ‘would require men to undergo a rectal exam and cardiac stress test before being treated for erectile dysfunction.’”

“That doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

“Look, my point isn’t that complicated. Just because people want the government to butt out of their personal lives, it doesn’t mean they’re against women.”

“Sounds reasonable to me.”

“Besides, isn’t it a little contradictory to demand that the government stay out of your private matters while also demanding that it make religious organizations pay for your contraception? Shouldn’t people and religious organizations in America have the freedom to follow their own beliefs?”

“And the beer tax?”

“That’s an egregious example of the never-ending war on men!”

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Here’s why: I like parting my hair on the side and wearing penny loafers without socks, with real pennies in them. I like showing up for meetings on time, balancing my checking account and retiring for the night before 11.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

But part of me longs to be a Democrat.

I love buying rounds for the whole pub — to heck with fiscal sanity on the weekend! I love making grandiose promises, particularly to women, that I know I can never keep.

I have had my struggles as a Republican.

Sometimes, I’ve been proud, such as during the Ronald Reagan era, when real reforms simplified our tax system and unleashed American ingenuity and economic miracles.

I was proud when Republicans took over Congress in 1995 and brought discipline to Washington. With the economy firing on all cylinders and spending restrained, our government soon began producing a surplus.

But I’ve often been disappointed.

In the early 2000s, a Republican Congress spent carelessly and basked shamelessly in the perks of power and corruption. A Republican president got us into an aggressive war with Iraq that would divide the country, give Democrats control of Congress and eventually help put a novice, Barack Obama, into the presidency.

Democrats have their flaws, too.

Democrat politicians are like Santa Claus. They love to give “free” things to people, then bask in the resulting praise.

Thanks to Democrats, college kids, even those from high-income homes, are qualifying for — and happy to accept — food stamps.

Democrat politicians thought health-care reform would win them praise. Their plan, essentially, gives people the goodies we all want — care for all, no more pre-existing condition concerns and so on — without worrying about how we will pay for it.

I love to be generous, too — but, being a Republican, I have never figured out how to do so using other people’s money.

The truth is that both parties have good and bad sides. How can they not? We have, essentially, two parties to represent almost every interest, good and ill, in a country of 300 million people.

Radical Democrat wing nuts occupy Wall Street and poop on police cars. They chain themselves to trees and curse at lumberjacks.

Some Republicans have their own nutty ideas. A few think a woman can’t get pregnant if she’s raped. Others say federal funds should be used to provide marriage counseling — as though the institution of marriage is not in enough trouble already.

By and large, though, most Republicans and Democrats are good people who go to work every day, pay their bills on time and want what is best for their country.

Most Republicans are not the unsympathetic rich, white caricatures that some people, particularly “objective” journalists who work for big-city media outlets, wish they were.

In any event, at this point, as America is about to go over a fiscal cliff, it is good to be a Republican.

Look, Democrats, have shown regrettably little aptitude for — or interest in — getting our fiscal mess in order. Our debt is soaring under President Obama. Is anyone confident that he can fix this problem?

Republicans, though, are finally doing some good work again. Republican governors have been bringing fiscal sanity and order to state governments — the very thing we must do at the federal level.

I hope the Republicans win the presidency, get our affairs in order and pave the way for another era of robust economic growth.

That’s why I’m a Republican — and also because I like tucking my Oxford shirts into my pants, even though nobody does that anymore.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

According to the article, a public middle school in West Virginia is being sued by the American Civil Liberties Union for separating boys and girls into single-sex classrooms.

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

School directors, motivated by research that shows single-sex education can improve learning, have been experimenting with the concept.

The ACLU, though, says that teaching kids differently on the basis of gender defies Title IX, a portion of the Education Amendments of 1972.

Title IX states: “No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance …”

I’m going to have to side with the ACLU on this one.

You see, in the late 1970s, I became the first male student to attend an all girls boarding school, the Academy for Girls Too Smart to Study with Boys — an experience that haunts me still.

The school refused to admit me at first, so I filed suit. Since the school accepted public funds, the judge ruled that it had to let me in.

My female classmates harassed me from the beginning. They said I was a wimp. They printed up T-shirts: “152 debutantes and one dork!”

The school’s administrators were out to get me, too. They forced me to follow school regulations to a T. Do you know how hard it is, wearing a plaid dress and Oxford shoes, to outrun neighborhood bullies?

To be honest, though, that dress, combined with a pair of boxers, gave me a freedom and comfort I haven’t known since.

My teachers treated me harshly, too. I got an “F” in physical education. Sure, I was the strongest and fastest in my class, but my baton work was hideous and I never could do a split.

What’s worse, I was forced to live in separate quarters. Despite my frequent pleas, I wasn’t permitted to sleep or shower with the others.

One night, while sobbing myself to sleep, the girls stormed my room and stole my athletic supporters. I still wake in cold sweats with memories of them running off with my most private possessions.

The stress finally caught up with me and I got into a fight.

One girl said I was a jerk. I told her she was immature. She told me to get a life. I told her she was a spoiled brat. Finally, one of the den mothers broke it up.

I know that boys and girls are different — that today’s political correctness makes us pretend that there are no real differences between the sexes.

I know there are many studies that show that boys and girls can perform better in school when the other sex is not present — that different techniques can be used that can generate real results.

I know that one of the biggest issues in America is education and that schools should be free to experiment with a variety of techniques to find the most effective ways to teach children to “learn how to learn.”

But then again, there are other studies that say single-sex education is sexist and wrong-headed.

So I think we ought to close our minds and use the might of the courts and federal law to ban experimentation with single-sex schools altogether.

That way, no kid will ever again suffer the humiliation I did as the first male to attend an all girls school.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“You want to custom-design our child, doctor?”

“In the summer of 2012, University of Washington researchers made a massive biotechnology breakthrough! Few people talked about it at the time.”

Taylor Jones / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Jones)

“What breakthrough, doctor?”

“It involved using a blood sample from a pregnant woman and a saliva specimen from the father to map the DNA of their fetus. It took some time for the procedure to become practical and affordable, but the ability to know a child’s complete DNA blueprint eventually gave parents a lot of choices.”

“Choices, doctor?”

“The Christian Science Monitor reported that the procedure could allow parents to ‘someday prenatally change genes seen as causing diseases or, more startling, pick a child’s attributes such as eye color or even intelligence.’”

“We can now pick our child’s intelligence?”

“Why not? We help parents determine the height, weight, eye color and IQ of their children, and that’s just for starters.”

“Why would parents want to decide all of these things?”

“No offense, but you and your wife are a bit chubby. For a price, I can take the fat gene out of your kid’s genetic mix and he or she will grow up to be as skinny as a rail.”

“But being chubby isn’t the end of the world. Winston Churchill was chubby. Orson Welles was. Our parents were. These people did well in life.”

“If you say so. But we’ll have to do something about your noses. You and your wife have some big honkers. We have a range of celebrity noses you can choose from in our catalog. It will save you a fortune!”

“How will custom-designing our child’s nose save money?”

“We charge a lot less to fix the nose at the gene stage than a plastic surgeon will charge after the baby is grown. Of course, we can avoid your and your wife’s obvious imperfections by shopping for a better embryo.”

“Use someone else’s genes to make our baby?”

“It’s all the rage! We have a catalog of good-looking Ivy League students who donate their eggs and other genetic specimens for money. We mix and match these parts to create embryos, which we then implant into any mother who can afford our fee.”

“Don’t you feel that you are trifling with nature, doctor?”

“We’re simply picking up where nature left off. We’re simply refining the baby-making process.”

“Perhaps there may be value in correcting medical issues in our child before he or she is born, but this is all so new. We really want to think it through.”

“Look, when people try to have kids the old way, all kinds of things can go wrong. Some couples might have a child that has Down syndrome. We prevent such errors from occurring in the lab.”

“But, doctor, any parent of a Down syndrome child will tell you that such children are cheerful, loving and blessings from God.”

“Whatever. We also eliminate all other imperfections, such as blindness and deafness.”

“But Helen Keller was blind and deaf and she did remarkable things. Look, doctor, advances in science are a good thing, but my wife and I really want to think this through. Do we really want the power to manipulate the genetic makeup of our children?”

“Hey, most parents want intelligent children who are as attractive as a supermodel. What is wrong with that?”

“But if everyone is as beautiful as a supermodel, won’t beauty lose some of its meaning, doctor? If parents can custom-create the life of their child, won’t life itself lose some of its meaning?”

“Meaning? What’s all this silly talk about meaning?”

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

If they get sick while taking their employer-paid vacation, their employer now has to pay them to take another.

According to The New York Times, all 27 countries within the European Union, and all employers within them, must abide by that recent vacation ruling by the EU’s highest court.

Hajo de Reijger, The Netherlands

My hat goes off to my vacationing pals overseas.

Take the French. Their government mandates that every employee get at least five weeks of paid vacation. The French average 37 days of vacation every year — and 22 paid holidays on top of that.

Virtually all European countries have government mandates that require employer-paid vacation of four to six weeks — whereas America has no government-mandated vacation requirements.

European employees enjoy all kinds of additional workplace perks and benefits, too.

Canadian weekly Maclean’s reports that:

• “Spanish workers get an extra two weeks off for honeymoons, and 20 days of severance even if they’re fired with cause.”

• “In France, companies must give extra paid leave to staff who work 39 hours per week instead of the statutory 35, even if the workers are paid for the overtime.”

• “In Italy, firms that lay people off during an economic downturn can face years of costly legal proceedings. … Rome is proposing a law requiring employers to pay laid-off workers a whopping 27 months in wages.”

Vacations are way different in America. CNN says the average employed American worker got about 18 vacation days in 2011, but only used 14 of them.

And unlike our European counterparts, we never really “leave” work. Fearing for our jobs, with the economy still in the tank, we stay in touch with the office.

According to Rasmussen Reports, 72 percent of Americans use email, smartphones and other electronic devices to keep themselves accessible to their employers 24 hours a day.

It’s even worse for America’s small-business owners. According to Business News Daily, fewer than half take a week off during the summer. With the economy so uncertain and revenues down, many are afraid or unable to hire. They are picking up the slack by working two or three jobs themselves.

But we Americans are workers, I suppose. We’re so different from our European friends.

In tough times, we are happier working hard and keeping revenues coming in, rather than spending lots of dough at hoity-toity resorts.

We don’t like our government telling us or our employers how we ought to conduct business or how many vacation days employers must provide.

Heck, if our Supreme Court ruled that employers must not only provide paid vacations but pay for them all over again if an employee gets sick while vacationing, many Americans would take to the streets in protest.

Americans protest loss of their freedoms. Europeans tend to protest meddling with their government-mandated benefits.

At least that used to be a distinction between America and Europe.

Our government has been so busy handing out goodies to citizens, it’s just a matter of time before the freedom lovers are overrun by the benefit lovers.

It will be a sad day when that happens. We’ll have an even more anemic economy, just as most EU nations do now, and all of us will struggle to pursue happiness and wealth.

Oh, well, at least our employers will have to pay us for another week off if we get sick while we’re on vacation.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

According to The Huffington Post, Johnson, an exotic dancer by night, has by day been walking around New York City topless to advocate a woman’s right to go shirtless.

This is an equal rights issue, you see. Johnson and other topless lasses want to know why men are free to trot around shirtless anytime, anywhere, but women are not. After all, men have breasts, too.

David Fitzsimmons / Arizona Daily Star (click to view more cartoons by Fitzsimmons)

But maybe Johnson has a point.

Where upper-torso nudity is concerned, maybe there is a double standard, and maybe we need to shed it like some old T-shirt, as we have so many outmoded standards of the past.

It wasn’t long ago that women were expected to stay at home and attend to the needs of men. But nobody thinks this way anymore.

In fact, many men these days prefer that their wives work and make a boatload of money. They see no shame in staying home with the kids and clapping the first time Junior uses the toilet to do No. 2.

It used to be that women were expected to be soft and feminine, much like actresses in the old movies, but that’s no longer true.

Women’s professional basketball is as exciting and competitive as any male sport. Women now have their own professional football league. And on ESPN, professional female boxers do things to each other that make Mike Tyson look like a Quaker.

It used to be that women needed husbands to have kids, but that’s no longer true, either. Famous women who have dough are not only shunning husbands, they think they’re better off without them.

We men are stinky and hairy. We mess up the bathroom. We make loud noises when we eat. We snore when we sleep.

Regrettably, though some women may think they’re better off without us, we don’t fare so well without them. We find ourselves waking up in a pile of dirty laundry and newspapers, still clenching the tequila bottle we began drinking from three days earlier.

In these modern times, then, is it right that American society tolerates men walking around shirtless without extending this same basic freedom to women?

After all, many attractive European women are allowed to go topless. Sure, they don’t frequently bathe or shave their armpits, but you can’t have everything.

Perhaps this topless thing is just another example of our rigid thinking, in which we hold an opinion on how women should act without really thinking it through. So let’s think it through.

What if more American women conducted their daily business topless? I assure you that would prompt me to get out of the house more often. I’d spend every waking moment, to quote the great Dean Martin, “standing on the corner watching all the girls go by.”

Besides, many towns, including New York City, have no laws on the books that say it is illegal for women to walk around topless. Johnson was arrested for her topless protests, but the cops had to let her go.

In any event, as many Americans sit idly by while their government strips away all kinds of freedoms — such as a religious organization’s freedom to not have the government tell it what health insurance plan it must buy — I suppose someone standing up for any kind of freedom is a good thing.

So I support all lasses who go topless on International Go Topless Day — I’m not making that up — which is on Aug. 26.

Because the freedom to go topless may soon be one of the few freedoms we have left.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Maybe I better explain.

A recent article in the Richmond (Va.) Times-Dispatch says the Washington-based Voter Participation Center has sent voter registration applications — with names and addresses already filled in — to dead people, pets, felons, children, nonresidents, noncitizens and others who ought not be voting.

Jeff Parker / Florida Today (click to view more cartoons by Parker)

There is suspicion among some that the group, which targets Democrat voting blocs, such as unmarried people, blacks, Latinos and young adults, is trying to pad voter rolls with ineligible voters who are likely to support Democrats.

But the center says all it is trying to do is to get legitimate, under-represented voters, who may be unregistered, to register and exercise their right to vote. It says it is using commercial mailing lists that are imperfect and produce all kinds of odd results.

According to CBS News, one woman, Brenda Charleston, received a filled-in application for a Rosie Charleston; “Rosie” was the name of her long-deceased dog.

The Washington Post reports one convicted felon received a filled-in application in the mail, signed it and became registered to vote. He was caught and tried, but some wonder how many other felons are voting illegally.

In other examples, people are receiving applications for children who are younger than 18 or live out of state, as well as long-deceased family members.

If people sign and return such applications, the only way a dead person or pet won’t become an eligible voter is if a state’s voting officials, who are doing crossword puzzles at Dunkin’ Donuts as you read this, let them slip through.

But while Republicans cry “Voter fraud!” and Democrats fume over Republican-backed voter ID laws that they contend are disenfranchising folks who don’t have ID handy when they vote, I ask this: Why not let the dead vote?

Look, the vast majority of Americans are on the public dole now, happily selling their votes to the politician who promises them the biggest goodies — and I’m not talking just about those at the bottom end of the economic scale.

Food stamp programs, some $70 billion a year, have ballooned under President Obama.

But the real spending is with entitlement programs, such as Social Security, Medicare and now ObamaCare. People are taking out four and five times more from the programs than they ever paid in.

These programs need to be reformed, but any politician who tries to do so faces widespread rebellion among voters who won’t hear of it.

Way too many people are on the dole these days — farmers who get subsidies not to grow, “green” businesses that get grants because of their political connections, global corporations that lobby for special tax breaks.

So why not dead people? Don’t they deserve a piece of the government pie?

What about American children who are too young to vote? They will be paying for our current government handouts for the rest of their lives. Don’t they deserve a voice now?

If we’re going to toss our country away on runaway spending and benefits, why not be above-board about it?

Why not let the dead vote?

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Ah, yes, you speak of Quidditch, a fictional sport invented by Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. It requires a broomstick between one’s legs at all times. According to Time, fans have established real Quidditch leagues.”

“Well, Quidditch may as well become an Olympic sport. There already are lots of nutty ones.”

Tom Janssen / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Janssen)

“The International Olympic Committee (IOC) votes on which sports to include or drop. This Summer Olympics feature 26 sports with 39 associated disciplines. Some may not be as popular in America as in other parts of the world, but you don’t want to be jingoistic, do you?”

“Look, how can the IOC drop croquet, a sport designed for rich people who can afford mallets, but keep badminton, a sport best played at summer picnics?”

“Badminton was invented by the British in the 18th century. It’s played all over the world and requires a mix of cunning and athletic skill.”

“If they want picnic sports, why not horseshoes? You spill a lot less beer playing horseshoes. And how did pingpong become an Olympic sport?”

“I believe you mean table tennis, an intense sport that requires incredible reflexes, power and quickness.”

“No, I mean pingpong, a parlor game invented in the 1800s by rich British people with too much free time on their hands. The IOC ought to ditch that one for a game Americans could win with ease: beer pong!”

“Well, what about soccer, the most-watched sport in the world?”

“Maybe the rest of the world watches it, but fewer than 10 percent of Americans do. What’s with the skinny players falling down, writhing in pain, every time someone bumps them? Our football players play with broken bones and joints and never complain.”

“Boy, you are tough. I admit I was sad to see baseball and golf dropped from the Summer Olympics. But the IOC can include only so many sports.”

“Such as field hockey! I so enjoy watching players with dinky wooden sticks chase a hard ball on turf. I think it was invented for people who accidentally left their ice skates at home. But at least it’s less nutty than the modern pentathlon.”

The modern pentathlon is unusual, combining pistol shooting, fencing, freestyle swimming, show jumping on a horse and cross-country running. It originates from Greece, where it was intended to showcase the skills of an ideal soldier.”

“They ought to modernize it to reflect the skills of an ideal soldier today. Have them jump out of helicopters, raid heavily guarded compounds and capture terrorist leaders while getting shot at.”

“I hear your complaints, but you have to admit there are a lot of wonderful traditional contests in the Summer Olympics: boxing, wrestling, weightlifting, diving, fencing, tennis, track and field, gymnastics, triathlon and more.”

“Fair enough, but what the heck is rhythmic gymnastics? People jumping around with hoops, batons and pieces of fabric? It may be beautiful, but it looks more like a Vegas show. And synchronized swimming would be more entertaining if somebody tossed electric eels into the pool!”

“Despite your misgivings, millions around the world will enjoy the Summer Olympics.”

“They’d be enjoyed by more if the IOC brought back tug of war. Put free-market capitalists on one side, big-government socialists on the other. I’d pay good money to see that.”

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I speak of the death of cursive handwriting, which I read about recently in the Atlantic Wire.

As it goes, many American schools are phasing out lessons in cursive. There is a waning need for it in the modern era, some argue, and the classes take too much time.

David Fitzsimmons / Arizona Daily Star (click to view more cartoons by Fitzsimmons)

The origin of cursive dates back centuries. It’s the result of technology innovations using inkwells and quill pens made from goose feathers.

Since the ink dripped when you lifted the quill from the paper, it made sense to connect letters and words together in one flowing line — and the art of cursive writing began.

My mother and father, now in their 70s, were taught to master cursive in the 1940s.

Their handwriting is beautiful still. It is a joy to watch them artfully write out a check.

I grew up in the 1970s, the era of Bic ballpoint pens. Such pens didn’t leak and, technically, didn’t require cursive writing. But the good nuns of St. Germaine Catholic School still made us master it.

They’d be horrified to see the chicken scratch I write now, though I have an excuse.

I am a product of the electronic era. I do most of my writing on a computer. I’ve become very fast at keying in my thoughts. When I write by hand, though, I am so agitated by the slowness, I rush it along. My signature looks like surrealist painter Salvador Dali threw up.

Now the debate on whether to continue teaching cursive is growing.

“With technology pervasive in society and fewer documents that need a cursive signature, some educators say there is no need to bother kids with the tedious, time-consuming lessons on cursive,” says The Sun of Baltimore.

Curses to that, say others.

Katie Zezima argues in The New York Times that if people are not taught cursive, they’ll be more at risk of forgery; printing in block letters is much easier to replicate.

And the development of fine motor skills will be thwarted, she adds.

Besides, she asks, how will people unfamiliar with cursive read historical documents, such as the U.S. Constitution?

That’s probably not the best argument in favor of cursive. Fewer people read and abide by the Constitution much anymore.

I’m certainly a proponent of moving forward with innovation and the arguments against teaching cursive have their points.

Heck, I am sitting in a coffee shop writing this column on a laptop computer. Thanks to the Internet and wireless technologies, I am able to run a communications business from anywhere on Earth. I have virtually no need for cursive handwriting.

Then again, I worry that in our eagerness to advance, we will toss out the baby with the bath water.

One of my most prized possessions is a letter written by my father’s father in 1924 consoling a woman whose mother had just died. He wrote the letter when he was 21 (he died at 34 when my father was only 3).

I was given the letter in 1997 by the son of the woman my grandfather wrote the letter to. I was struck by how similar my grandfather’s style is to my father’s — how similar his tone and style are to mine — and moved by the beauty and artfulness of his signature.

I can’t imagine a world in which people no longer have a cursive signature — and handwritten letters are no longer left behind for future generations to cherish.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Health Savings Accounts, or HSAs, have been so successful at reducing the cost of health care, the ObamaCare people are out to get them.

The HSA concept: Rather than buy a health insurance policy that has a low or no deductible, you purchase one that has a high deductible.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

Since the insurance company doesn’t have to pay anything until you exceed your high deductible, it’s happy to give you a much lower premium. You save on the premium — and by shopping around, since most of your initial health care costs are on your own dime.

Rather than use a name-brand medication, you choose the much cheaper generic. You ask doctors and other providers what particular services and treatments cost.

Of course, they hardly ever know.

When I blew out my Achilles tendon playing racquetball five years ago, I asked the doctor what the surgery to reattach it would cost. I asked the nurse what the crutches she gave me cost. I asked what the MRI to get a good look at my leg cost.

Each person I asked looked puzzled and said the same thing: “I don’t know. Nobody ever asked that before.”

That, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with our health insurance and health care systems: Consumers are completely divorced from costs. Massive inflation has been the result.

To help put consumers back in control, HSAs became law in 2003. They offer all kinds of flexibility to individuals and families.

Say your employer is paying $10,000 a year for your family’s “Cadillac” health insurance that covers almost everything. Well, why not give that $10,000 credit directly to you, so you can buy a policy with a $5,000 deductible that costs, say, $5,000 a year? You take the $5,000 you save on your premium and invest it in an HSA tax-free.

If you have medical needs, you can use your HSA money to pay for them until your deductible is met and your insurer takes over. And by shopping around, you help drive down the cost of health care for everyone.

If you are lucky and stay healthy, you can grow a tidy little HSA nest egg. When you turn 65, you can use that money for anything you want.

But ObamaCare, says Forbes, is going to make HSAs more costly.

This is because HSAs are driven by consumers, whereas ObamaCare is driven by command-and-control bureaucrats.

See, the ObamaCare people have published guidelines that require all health insurance plans to have an actuarial value of 60 percent — which means at least 60 percent of any care is paid for by the insurer and no more than 40 percent is paid for directly by the insured.

HSAs don’t meet the 60-percent threshold.

This is because ObamaCare counts only the $5,000 paid for your family’s insurance policy, not the $5,000 your family sinks into its HSA.

Under ObamaCare’s confused bureaucratic standards, that means 50 percent of care your family receives is paid for by your insurer, 50 percent by you.

The only way for your HSA to meet the 60-percent threshold, then, is for you to purchase a more expensive policy, significantly limit the amount you put into your HSA or abandon it altogether.

Which is precisely what the ObamaCare folks want.

Your ability to choose goes down, your costs go up — as happens every time government’s powers expand and individual freedoms are taken away.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

When I was a kid in the 1970s, there were few greater worries than the plumbing. This was mostly because plumbers were expensive and many families had only one income.

Eric Allie / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Allie)

My father, always looking for a bargain, purchased the cheapest toilet he could find for the powder room he finished in the basement. It never did work right.

For starters, it was absurdly small — as though it had been designed for miniature people. It didn’t take more than a few pieces of tissue to clog it. My father was soon spending much of his spare time unplugging it — and pleading with us not to use it.

Inevitably, however, somebody would use it, it would clog, my mother would rush to shut off the valve, and my father would grumble to her, “For godssakes, Betty, why can’t they use the upstairs commodes?”

Still, that old toilet was lots better than the new toilets I have installed in a couple of rental units I own — and now, like my father before me, the plumbing is one of my greatest sources of worry.

That worry is caused by federal action taken in the early 1990s.

Back then, each state had its own toilet standards, which made toilet manufacturing more costly. So a toilet association lobbied Congress to create one national toilet standard, an idea that made sense.

But the move to standardize was seized upon by bureaucrats and environmentalists. They saw an opportunity to craft a federal law that would conserve the nation’s water supply. Somebody arbitrarily decided that a 1.6-gallon toilet, rather than the 3.5- to 5-gallon toilets most Americans were then using, would do the trick, and some legislator slipped the requirement into the Energy Policy and Conservation Act of 1992.

For nearly 20 years now, the government has mandated that new U.S. toilets use only 1.6 gallons of water per flush, down from the robust 3.5 gallons per flush Americans had enjoyed since we perfected the art of indoor plumbing.

Scientifically speaking, 1.6 gallons of conventional gravity flushing isn’t very powerful. It’s barely powerful enough to flush a few errant strands of tissue — which is great for singer Sheryl Crow, who recommends that that is all we use.

Here’s the kicker: Unless you get a top model at top dollar, which can be somewhat functional, the new toilets aren’t necessarily conserving much water at all. A plumbing expert I talked with told me that to prevent clogs, people are flushing two or three times to get the job done.

And so I worry. I’ve warned my tenants about the problem. I’ve urged them to embrace the Sheryl Crow philosophy, but clogs are common and a massive overflow into the rental units below me is just a matter of time.

It’s no wonder, then, that such federal laws are turning law-abiding Americans into criminals. It is now illegal to “procure” a 3.5-gallon toilet, but that hasn’t stopped desperate fathers and landlords from driving to Canada, where the larger-flow models are still available.

If you get caught with one, though, the feds will slap you with a $2,500 fine and prosecute you for transporting porcelain over federal lines for illegal flushes.

This infringement on our freedoms is an outrage, yet the ACLU is nowhere to be found. Hey, ACLU, government bureaucrats have no right butting into our bathrooms!

What will they take away next? Our Reader’s Digests?

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Ah, yes, you speak of the U.S. citizenship test, which Newsweek recently asked 1,000 U.S. citizens to complete. Nearly 40 percent failed!”

“That’s because the test is riddled with trick questions, if you ask me.”

“The test is actually very straightforward. It is composed of 100 questions about government, rights, history and civics. Test-takers are presented with a random selection of 10 questions and must correctly answer six to pass.”

Chris Weyant / The Hill (click to view more cartoons by Weyant)

“Yeah. Well, why don’t we go through some of the questions? You’ll understand why I failed it.”

“OK, here goes. What is the most important right granted to U.S. citizens?”

“The right to vote for the guy who promises to give you the most free stuff from the government that is paid for by your neighbors.”

“Technically, that is not correct, but your answer is regrettably accurate these days. Let’s try some questions about America’s system of government. How many branches are there in our government?”

“Four: executive, judicial, legislative and the Federal Reserve run by that Bernanke guy who prints trillions in new money to pay the government’s bills.”

“Though you are technically wrong again, your answer makes sense to me. Let’s try another: What is the U.S. Constitution and can it be changed?”

“The U.S. Constitution is the supreme law of the land! It can be changed by creating an amendment, which is really hard to do. But President Obama has shown there is no need to change it. You can just ignore it and nobody will mind too much.”

“Regrettably, the spirit of your answer is correct. What is your answer to this one: What is the U.S. Congress and what are its duties?”

“The purpose of the Congress is to allow 435 people who mostly can’t hold real jobs in the private sector to get cushy government salaries and retirement benefits and just enough fame and power to date staffers.”

“There are some principled people in the U.S. Congress, but your point is well-taken. How would you answer this: For how long do we elect each of our 100 U.S. senators?”

“Until the law finally catches up with them.”

“That’s pretty funny. Now name one purpose of the United Nations.”

“To create lots of cushy lifetime jobs for foreign people who mostly hate the United States.”

“Not bad. Let’s try some history questions. Who said, ‘Give me liberty or give me death’?”

“I just said that last week to the wife after I had one too many at the pub. But it was also said by Patrick Henry, whose words helped spark America’s desire to seek independence from England.”

“That is correct. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?”

“They sought religious freedom and, until the Obama administration recently started telling churches what they must include in their government-directed health care policies, religion was practiced freely in America.”

“I must admit, sir, that your answers make a lot of sense. Still, the nearly 40 percent of Americans who failed the citizenship test did so because of basic ignorance about America’s history and government. That’s worrisome for a government that derives its just powers from the consent of the governed. Nearly 30 percent of the test-takers couldn’t name the vice president.”

“I’ll bet Joe Biden gets that question wrong 30 percent of the time, too.”

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Maybe I better explain.

Federal records say the United States recently completed the hottest spring since such record-keeping began in 1895.

March, April and May average temperatures in the lower 48 states surpassed the oldest spring average-temperature record by a full 2 degrees.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration also reported that this May was the second warmest on record.

R.J. Matson / Roll Call (click to view more cartoons by Matson)

The warmest May ever occurred in 1934.

America is going through a hot spell, to be sure.

Well, some environmentalists are certain that it is primarily man’s activities, not natural cycles, that cause the warming.

They say air conditioning runs on electricity and electricity in America is generated mostly by coal-fired plants that pump carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

They want us to give up air conditioning and other modern conveniences.

I think they’re on to something — so long as the government shuts down its air conditioners first.

Air conditioning was invented by Willis Haviland Carrier in 1902. Initially it was used for industrial purposes, but by the mid-1920s, it was being used for human comfort.

Department stores and movie houses were among the first to install cooling technology. Regrettably, the federal government soon followed.

Washington, D.C., is a hot, humid place in the summertime — made even hotter by so many blowhards who give long-winded speeches on how Washington ought to spend more taxpayer money.

Before air conditioning, federal agencies routinely shut down when the temperature got too high, giving them that much less time to think up ways to waste our money.

Thanks to the heat, Washington was empty from mid-June to September and our government remained relatively small.

Heck, I wonder how many government programs dreamt up during the Great Depression era might not have happened had federal government buildings been made unbearable by hot, sticky air.

Since air conditioning has been commonplace in Washington, the government runs full tilt all year long.

Now it can spend lots more time working on, as former New York Times columnist Russell Baker once wrote, “the promulgation of more laws, the depredations of lobbyists, the hatching of new schemes for Federal expansion and, of course, the cost of maintaining a government running at full blast.”

I know air conditioning has improved life for the elderly and others with respiratory problems.

I know capitalistic efficiencies have made it possible for any American to install a window AC unit that could save lives for as little as $100.

I know our productivity and comfort have been vastly improved by cool air, and that there is still debate about the extent to which AC may contribute to global warming.

I’m just saying that this productivity and comfort have come at a price — that without AC, Washington’s federal buildings would be empty during the hotter months.

Hey, we might have 30 percent fewer government programs and 30 percent less spending.

We might have a zero deficit right now as a result ($4 trillion budget, minus 30 percent in spending, equals savings of $1.2 trillion).

Now, I certainly don’t want to give up my air conditioning and the comfort it provides. But if the federal government went first, I just might.

If our government doesn’t get spending under control, we will eventually have a meltdown so boiling hot, no amount of air conditioning will be able to fix it.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I speak of a spate of new technologies — high-tech cameras, satellites and now, drones being flown over U.S. soil — that are giving police and government way too much power over the average Joe.

Our country was founded by people who were wary of government power, you see. They were wary of government do-gooders attaining too much control, as they knew that absolute power always corrupts absolutely.

John Cole / Scranton Times-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Cole)

So they implemented checks and balances to limit that power.

They knew, too, however, that human nature is imperfect — that there will always be crooks, murderers and con men and that government must provide average, law-abiding citizens with basic protections against those who seek to do them harm.

Thus, our Constitution was designed to strike a proper balance between police and government agencies and the citizens they police.

The Fourth Amendment in the Bill of Rights, for instance, guards against unreasonable searches and seizures. It requires probable cause and a judicially sanctioned warrant before the police are permitted to enter one’s home.

The idea was to protect the liberties of the average Joe by putting the burden on police and government agencies. Better that 10 guilty men go free than to convict a single innocent man.

This proper balance between the police and the policed worked well for many years. But technology is upending that balance.

Consider: Back in the ’50s and ’60s, when my father was a young man, there were speed traps, just as there are now.

When one driver saw a police car hiding behind shrubs, he flashed his high beams at oncoming drivers to warn them to slow down. The policed collaborated against the police and all was well.

The police had it tough back then. To gauge a driver’s speed, an officer had to work a manual stopwatch, then do math. The process was so imprecise, the odds weren’t bad that the ticket would be tossed out in court or reduced to a lesser charge.

Now the police have precise VASCAR and radar technologies. Hidden speed cameras are popping up all over the place. New technologies are even making it possible to monitor speeds using satellites!

While such technologies may benefit drivers by slowing traffic at dangerous intersections, there is a downside: The average Joe will soon be helpless in the face of small-town police who use such technologies to establish lucrative, high-tech speed traps.

But as technology upends the balance between the police and the policed, that is the least of the average Joe’s worries.

Did you know our federal government is using unmanned aerial vehicles (drones) — much like the drones it uses to monitor and kill enemies overseas — to monitor U.S. citizens?

Did you know, says Investor’s Business Daily, that the EPA is conducting surveillance on farmers in Nebraska and Iowa, looking for violations of the Clean Water Act?

Did you know that the Federal Aviation Administration has loosened restrictions on the use of drones by the nation’s 18,000 local police departments?

How long will it be before quiet little planes monitor our speed and everything else we do?

How long before illegal searches, forbidden by the Fourth Amendment, are commonplace?

We must stop the drones now.

Flashing our high beams won’t matter a whit once the balance between the police and the policed gets that far out of whack.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Back in 2008, I was nothing but an idea — a blank canvas upon which millions painted whatever image they wanted to see.

Americans were frightened then, as the U.S. and the world came frighteningly close to an economic meltdown.

Pat Bagley / Salt Lake Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Bagley)

My words reassured millions. I told you I was going to bridge the political divide, bring people together, get America’s fiscal house in order, get the economy going and cut our massive deficit in half by the end of my first term.

You elected me. Suckers!

The first thing I did, under the guise of greatly improving the economy, was the largest stimulus package in world history.

Those ninny Republicans wanted to stimulate the economy through massive temporary tax breaks and credits.

I preferred the old Chicago-Democrat method, using nearly $1 trillion in taxpayer funds to pay off unions and other supporters.

By my own measure — I promised the stimulus would keep unemployment below 8 percent — that program failed.

Still, my poll numbers were high. I could have used my sizable political capital to tackle our real problems — a muddled tax system that holds back growth and an explosion in entitlement spending that will soon cripple America — but I had no time for that.

So I punted. I established the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform, co-chaired by Republican former Sen. Alan Simpson and Democrat former Sen. Erskine Bowles, and let them figure out what to do about tax reform and entitlement spending.

After all, I had more important fish to fry: my legacy!

I had Democrat majorities in the House and the Senate and an irresistible opportunity to be the first president to create the crown jewel of entitlements: health care for all!

Sure, I burned through my political capital in the process. Many were unhappy about government meddling with their relationship with their doctors. Now, the Catholic Church is grumbling about government meddling with religious freedom (by me telling it what provisions better be in its employee health policies).

Common people, who cling to religion and guns, will never understand hope and change.

I single-handedly created the tea-party response to my policies. Republicans gave Democrats a shellacking in the 2010 elections and took over the House.

Soon after those elections, the Simpson-Bowles commission released a blueprint for tax and entitlement reform — solid ideas that both parties could find common ground on.

It gave me a tremendous opportunity to demonstrate real leadership to bring both parties together to reform taxes and entitlements and contribute mightily to badly needed growth.

But I didn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. Truth be told, this is the hardest job in the world and I really have no clue what I am doing.

As the economy stumbles, unemployment is high, revenues are flat, spending is out of control and our deficit is frightening, my only hope of a second term is to confuse, obfuscate, point fingers and change the subject.

In any event, Class of 2012, here is my advice as you enter the worst job market in years: Good luck because you’re going to need it.

And despite the fact that your generation will be saddled with years of high taxation and sluggish economic conditions thanks to my policies, I thank you for your continued support.

Suckers!

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

As it goes, nonwhite minorities (Asian, Latino, black or mixed race) accounted for 50.4 percent of births as of July 2011.

That’s because white Americans of European ancestry don’t have as many kids as they once did. Big Irish Catholic families like mine are a thing of the past.

John Cole / Scranton Times-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Cole)

White Americans of European ancestry are aging, too. Fewer women in this demographic are in their child-bearing years.

America’s minority demographics are the opposite though. There are lots of minority women in their prime child-bearing years and some, such as Latinos, still believe in having big Catholic families.

The media, and some on the political left, are eating this story up. They love to classify people by skin color and ancestry. They love to make broad assumptions about how skin color and ancestry affect government policies and politics.

I wish they’d knock it off.

The only way people should be classified is this way: American-minded or not American-minded.

You remember how Americans used to think, don’t you? Remember all the immigrants who came to America in the late 1800s and early 1900s who didn’t ask for anything but the opportunity to better their lives?

The only rights they cared about were their unalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Some in America worried then about a permanent underclass imposing its culture on our country, but those worries proved to be unfounded, as hardworking immigrants had children who fully absorbed the American spirit and would go on to help build and grow a remarkable country.

And that is exactly what we need more of. Here are the stories of three immigrants who are making America better — people I met while living in Washington, D.C.

The first was born and raised in Beirut, Lebanon, the son of a well-to-do family. Civil war destroyed his parent’s business and it took them three years to flee their war-torn country.

They were penniless when they arrived in America. The parents and all six children took menial jobs. They saved their money. They opened a bakery. It now employs more than 100 people.

The second fellow had been a professor at a technical college in India, but his English was poor and he could not find similar work in America in his 20s. He worked menial jobs and saved his money.

He eventually purchased a mom-and-pop convenience store, a motel and other properties. He eventually brought over his wife and five siblings. He has two sons. Both are now American doctors.

The third immigrant fled civil war in El Salvador and came to America illegally. A smart fellow — he was halfway through his engineering degree when he left home — but he spoke no English.

He, too, took on menial work and eventually found his way. He would perfect his English. Lucky for him, President Reagan offered him amnesty.

As an American citizen, he would found a commercial cleaning company. He would marry and have three boys, all of whom would go to college and be productive, fully integrated U.S. citizens.

These three immigrants are more American-minded than many Americans these days. They hold the values that have made our country great, which is all that matters.

Ironically, their children and grandchildren are classified as “minorities” on Census reports, but does their skin color really matter?

Nope.

Their American-mindedness is all that matters and our country sure is in need of lots more of that.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Julia, you see, is the title character in an online slide show created by the Obama re-election campaign that explains how the president’s policies give Julia a better life.

At age 3, Julia is enrolled in Head Start, a pre-kindergarten program for children from low-income families.

At 25, she graduates from college and is better off, the Obama folks say, because he’s keeping her college-loan rates low.

Eric Allie / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Allie)

By 27, she benefits from ObamaCare and the “free” birth control it forces insurers to provide.

The slide show follows Julia through age 67, with Obama-supported government programs helping her every step of the way.

But one item the slide show doesn’t explore is this: At 31, when Julia decides to have a child, Zachary, there’s no mention of a father or a husband.

There’s no mention of anything that happens between ages 31 and 37 — Julia’s “missing years.”

After some investigative research, I was able to determine Zachary’s father’s name — and what happens during that time.

The father’s name is JimboBob — and, boy, is he different from Julia.

She’s clearly a sophisticated, highly progressive liberal, free from the stodgy traditions of more conservative people.

JimboBob, on the other hand, is a country bumpkin who never attended college. He’s a skilled laborer, working hard to make a decent wage.

He and Julia have a chance encounter when her government-subsidized electric car breaks down and JimboBob, having just wrapped up his shift, helps push it to the side of the road.

Julia’s 30 and eager to have a child. After she stops using her government-mandated-”free” birth control, she and JimboBob begin a relationship.

At 31, Julia gives birth to Zachary. JimboBob wants to marry her, but she refuses.

“Are you nuts?” says the independent woman, “And sacrifice my government benefits?”

Julia quits her job to stay home with Zachary. After all, the two qualify for all kinds of government assistance: welfare, housing, insurance, food, utilities, transportation…

JimboBob pleads with her to marry him.

“But I will love you and take care of you and our son,” he says. “I will take our son hunting and teach him good values.”

“No country bumpkin like you is going to teach Neanderthal values to my child,” she replies. “Now beat it.”

JimboBob spends thousands of dollars trying to win custody of his son, but is laughed out of court.

He knows government benefits are necessary to help those truly in need. Nobody disputes that, not even conservative Republicans.

But he senses those benefits are so out of control that they’re displacing him as a man and a father.

Isn’t that a key reason why more than half the children born in America today are born to single mothers?

Distraught, and not paying proper attention as he walks across a busy intersection, JimboBob is hit by a bus and killed instantly.

That’s very bad for Zachary.

Despite all kinds of government programs to help him, Zachary eventually falls into the path taken by so many fatherless sons.

He gets in with the wrong crowd, drops out of school and eventually does time for breaking and entering and grand larceny.

His fate is one of the many unintended consequences common to “benevolent” government programs.

Now you know what happens during Julia’s “missing years” — and why they’re missing from the slide show.

—–

Copyright 2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

In the face of high taxes, high unemployment, poor economic growth, massive government spending and powerful public-sector unions that are gobbling up tax dough, the French people just voted against austerity measures to get their finances in order.

President Nicolas Sarkozy, a conservative, was defeated by Socialist Francois Hollande, who promises to hire more government employees and increase the tax rate for “the rich” to 75 percent.

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

I’m just an English major, but even I know it sounds too good to be true — and therefore, probably is. The only way France can meet its massive financial obligations is to unleash its private sector to produce growth that will increase tax revenues. But that would require real reform and a bit more austerity, so to heck with that.

Surely many French folks understand that increased spending cannot work, but I have to admire them for their pluck.

The truth be told, I am tired of being a fiscal conservative. I’m tired of having the freedom to rise or fall based on my own decisions and actions.

I’m tired of paying for my own health insurance, tired of worrying about bills and taxes and business insurance policies to protect against lawsuits in the event that somebody slips on a banana peel in front of a piece of ground I own.

The truth be told, a part of me has rooted for President Obama, the closest thing we’ve ever had to a French president.

I dreamed of free health insurance that somebody else would pay for. I’d be able to quit working so hard — and worry so much less.

I dreamed of a powerful federal government that hired lots more federal workers. Could I attain such a job and the job security that goes with it? I would gladly give up the stress of having to satisfy communications clients endlessly to ensure they’ll keep giving me work.

I dreamed that the president would use more taxpayer funds to support the arts. Might I get a massive financial grant that would allow me to cease working altogether, so I could work on the great American novel?

Or maybe America could provide generous unemployment benefits like France does, allowing me to live off the fruits of others’ labors for a good long while.

Sure, I know France’s socialist ways will be that country’s undoing. I know that if France’s new Socialist president actually carries out his plans, the French could face real economic collapse and be in for a world of hurt.

I know that America isn’t that far behind France, where our financial situation is concerned. We cannot sustain our current spending unless our economy begins to undergo massive growth — and that growth will not be possible without massive reforms to our tax system and entitlement spending. But Obama hasn’t shown any interest in that.

Still, I dream of a government-mandated, stress-free existence.

I dream of enjoying several weeks of vacation, basking in the waters of some exotic location.

I dream of sitting around quaint cafes, sipping cognac and nodding approvingly as pretty women stroll by.

I dream of finally being able to relax, knowing that if anybody tries to take away my government job or vacation or generous unemployment benefits, millions of people, also on the government dole, will march into the streets in my defense.

Nice as it would be if America could be more French, even for a little while, I know it is just a dream.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

According to Benjamin Radford of Discovery News, pet psychics claim they can use telepathy to communicate with animals, living and dead — for about $85 an hour.

I can tell pet owners what their dog is thinking for half that amount: Rover wants you to scratch him on the belly and give him a treat. I’ll pop my invoice in the mail.

But this isn’t about telepathy so much as it is about our obsession with pets — a reflection of a country gone nutty and soft, confused by our emotions.

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cardow)

Look: Pets, generally, are a great thing. Social scientists explain that in our fast-paced, transient society, pets help fill the void that was once filled by close friends and extended family.

I love dogs and wish I wasn’t away from home so often or I’d get one.

But our obsession with pets is getting out of hand. Despite our sour economy, the pet-service industry continues to grow by $2 billion a year — to $52 billion this year.

There are gourmet pet foods, heated waterbeds for dogs, doggie personal trainers and doggie weight-loss programs (Biscuit Watchers?).

If Rover’s feeling down, a doggie psychologist is waiting to help: “Rover, your low self-esteem can be traced to your neutering.”

Now that people will pay thousands of dollars for veterinary care, pet health insurance policies are all the rage.

Pet deaths are announced in pet obituaries these days: “Buster is survived by his emotionally distraught owner and his favorite toy, Squeaky.”

And let us not forget another growth industry — pet cemeteries and pet headstones: “Here lies Buster down by the levy, we sure do wish he saw that Chevy.”

The truth is that many pets in America are living better than three-fourths of the people on this Earth, and something isn’t quite right about that.

When I was a kid in the ’60s and ’70s, a dog was part of my family, and we loved her, but there was a line of demarcation between dogs and humans.

Jingles ate her own food out of a can, not gourmet home-cooked grub. She didn’t go to a doggie trainer for exercise. She preferred that we toss her a stick and try to catch her, as she zigged and zagged and raced through the yard. No kid ever did catch her.

That’s because back then, humans were humans and dogs were dogs.

But today, we’re not only pampering pets with overzealous affection, we’re trying to elevate them to the level of humans. We see a dog’s paws move while it sleeps and we assume the dog is having a nightmare.

“What is a dog nightmare, anyway?” says comic Garry Shandling. “Your dog dreams he’s drinking out of a toilet bowl and the toilet lid falls on its head?”

We think today that our dogs have souls that live on after their physical bodies cease to work and exist. But I don’t think dogs have souls, and I offer proof.

When was the last time you saw a dog at confession? (“Forgive me, Father, but I doodied on the living room rug.”)

I love dogs as much as the next fellow, but if I saw a drowning child next to a drowning dog and could save only one, the choice would be obvious.

But I’m not so sure it would be obvious to everyone these days. Some might save the dog — then hire a psychic to apologize to the kid.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I refer to a fascinating Motley Fool article by Rich Smith.

Say you win big and take a $100 million lump-sum payout. The highest federal tax bracket, which kicks in at about $388,000 in income, is now 35 percent.

You will owe roughly $35 million in federal income taxes. But you’ll also owe state and local taxes that can exceed 10 percent in some states.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

Thus, you’d pay about 45 percent to 50 percent of your windfall in taxes. Out of your $100 million jackpot, you’d get to keep $50 million to $55 million.

Most folks would be happy to receive $50 million. And to hand over half their jackpot to various governments. Right?

Wrong.

According to a recent poll by the Hoover Institution, average Americans believe lottery winners should not be required to pay more than 10 percent or 15 percent of their windfalls in taxes — well less than what they must pay now.

But Smith points out something even more interesting: Most average Americans also support “raising” taxes on America’s wealthy. The Hoover Institution also finds that 62 percent of respondents support the “Buffett Rule,” which would require that millionaires pay at least 30 percent in taxes.

That is, average Americans want people who earn big money to pay higher taxes than people who win big money in the lottery should have to pay.

However, I think many average Americans are confused about how much the well-off are actually paying in taxes.

The rich already pay the lion’s share of taxes in America, according to the Congressional Budget Office. The top 10 percent of income earners pay more than half of all federal taxes and more than 70 percent of federal income taxes.

According to the Tax Policy Center, those making more than $1 million already pay, after deductions, 30 percent of their income in total federal taxes (income, payroll and other taxes).

There are about 1,500 Americans who earn more than $1 million from investments. On that income, they’re paying only the long-term capital gains tax of 15 percent — and no federal income taxes. That’s how Mitt Romney earns most of his money and why his effective tax rate is relatively low.

President Obama has been talking about such people a lot of late. But even making them pay 30 percent on their capital gains would generate only about $5 billion a year — a paltry sum when you consider America is spending hundreds of billions of dollars more than it is taking in every year.

Meanwhile, says USA Today, households that make between $50,000 and $75,000 pay an average of 15 percent of their income in federal taxes. Households making between $40,000 and $50,000 pay an average of 12.5 percent in federal taxes. Households making between $20,000 and $30,000 pay 5.7 percent.

Those percentages are considerably less than what the “rich” are paying.

If Obama wants to fix our messy tax system, he could embrace the recommendations of his self-appointed Bowles-Simpson deficit commission.

It recommends that taxes be simplified, that rates be lowered and that most deductions be removed — which would result in the “rich” paying more.

Sure, big-time lottery winners would still have to pay a top income-tax rate of 28 percent. That is a far cry from the 10 percent or 15 percent that average Americans want them to pay, but it sure beats the current 35 percent rate.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Surprisingly smooth, Mission Control. The least bumpy ride we’ve had in years, over.”

“You got that right, Discovery. We’ve had our share of ups and downs since the space shuttle program launched in 1981, over.”

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more Shuttle cartoons)

“Regrettably true, Mission Control. We’re all still smarting over the Challenger disaster in 1986, when it broke apart 73 seconds into its flight, killing all seven crew members, including Christa McAuliffe, the first female teacher in space, over.”

“A very sad day for America, Discovery. We recall how the program was grounded for two and a half years, and being overcome by sadness again when tragedy struck Columbia in 2003. A piece of foam fell off the fuel tank and punctured a wing, allowing superheated gases inside during re-entry, which caused Columbia to disintegrate just 16 minutes before landing, over.”

“An awful memory, Mission Control. After that, we did extensive testing and redesign to make sure the foam problems would not happen again. Unfortunately, it did happen again on a subsequent flight, but thankfully didn’t cause an explosion, over.”

“Thank God for that, Discovery, but the response from then-NASA chief Michael Griffin sure didn’t fill Americans with confidence. He said his engineers goofed on key safety checks, over.”

“It was certainly off-putting to hear the head of our once-proud agency use the word ‘goof,’ Mission Control. We remember how the public grew weary of such goofs — particularly with all the money we were spending. The 135 shuttle missions cost $209 billion — well beyond initial estimates, over.”

“Well, Discovery, we all hoped the Constellation program, signed into law in 2004 under President Bush, would breathe new life into U.S. space exploration. Bush’s plan sought to return us to the moon by 2020. It anticipated completion of the International Space Station and the shuttle program’s planned cessation in 2010, over.”

“But President Obama canceled Constellation last year. With Americans losing their enthusiasm for space and America’s budget hemorrhaging red ink, he didn’t face much resistance. Obama’s plan may be underwhelming in many respects, but it calls for more reliance on the private sector, over.”

“That’s true, Discovery. Many Republicans criticized Obama, but his plan may be the better way to explore space. The New Atlantis, a conservative publication, says that when President Kennedy expanded NASA in 1961 to compete with the Soviets, America created a ‘massive, centralized, command-and-control agency.’ Big government agencies tend to be inefficient, expensive and make mistakes, over.”

“Agreed, Mission Control. As The New Atlantis says, whereas Obama loves big government programs in all other areas, he has offered a conservative approach to space. We now have an opportunity to unleash the private sector’s creativity to explore space more efficiently and effectively, over.”

“Perhaps, Discovery, but it still is sad to see America dial down its commitment to space. It’s like we’re giving up our leadership role and handing it off to China and Russia. Your last flight getting a piggy back ride to a space museum is a bittersweet image, over.”

“All of this is sad, indeed, Mission Control. We surely hope and pray America gets its affairs in order, enjoys robust economic growth again and generates the funds needed to reinvigorate our space programs, over.”

“Well, Discovery, you’re about to reach your final destination. Discovery has had more missions than any other shuttle, assisting with the Hubble Space Telescope and the space station. You’ve got plenty to be proud about. And you now can enjoy a victory lap over Washington, D.C. All things considered, Discovery, your work was victorious indeed. Over and out.”

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Ah, yes, you speak of the CareerCast.com ’2012 Jobs Rated Report,’ which classifies the most and least desirable jobs in the U.S.”

“That’s right. The worst job of 200 on the list, No. 200, is lumberjack. I’d be happy to swing an ax if they pay me.”

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

“But the report says lumberjacks work on the hottest and coldest days of the year — that their occupation is dangerous and their pay is low.”

“A modest earned income is better than none.”

“I feel your pain. The March jobs report was disappointing yet again. Unemployment fell to 8.2 percent from 8.3 percent, but only because discouraged workers left the labor force. Some argue the real unemployment rate is in the mid- to high teens.”

“Yeah, that is why a ‘good’ job these days is almost any job that pays.”

“It’s interesting you say that. It wasn’t long ago in America when a ‘good’ job was any job that could support a family.”

“So true. My grandfather was a coal miner, who considered himself lucky. My dad poured molten steel in a mill. I was the first in my family to go to college. I dreamt of my dream job. I did OK, too, until the Great Recession.”

“So a ‘good’ job still is any job that will support your family?”

“Absolutely. I’d take any of the worst jobs. Dairy farmer is No. 199 on the list. They may work hard, but at least there is a demand for their product. Enlisted military personnel, No. 198 on the list, may face danger, but the pay is steady and the grub is free — have you seen the price of grub lately?”

“Fair enough, but No. 197 on the list is oil rig worker. That is a hard, dirty job, and don’t those rigs blow up now and then?”

“Who cares? The pay is good and the overtime is better. I’d be happy to be a newspaper reporter (No. 196) or a waiter (No. 195) or a meter reader (No. 194). Reporters expose bad guys, waiters work with good-looking waitresses, and if I were a meter reader, I’d inflict fear in people and finally get some respect.”

“You really have given up on your dream job.”

“Maybe I have. I’m no different than anyone else. The best jobs in the report don’t look like dream jobs to me.”

“According to the report, the worst jobs are characterized by working in bad weather, danger, low pay and poor hiring prospects, whereas the best jobs involve good pay, job security and working in climate-controlled buildings.”

“Software engineer is the No. 1 job for the second year in a row. Who wants to be trapped in an office cubicle all day, pecking on a keyboard and dealing with IT geeks?

“Fair enough.”

“The No. 2 job is actuary? You get to do math all day for a boring insurance company? How about human resources manager (No. 3)? All HR people do nowadays is make sure companies comply with a million federal regulations so they don’t get sued.”

“Perhaps.”

“Dental hygienist is the No. 4 job in America? Rooting around in the mouths of people with bad breath? How is that better than being a dairy farmer?”

“But what about the No. 5 job — financial planner?”

“Like Bernie Madoff, who bilked thousands out of millions of dollars and lived the high life until he got caught? Now there’s a dream job appropriate for the times in which we live.”

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

I stumbled upon my father’s 1959 income tax return a few years ago. How I long for the simplicity he enjoyed when he filed that year’s taxes.

For 1959, my father paid a measly 5 percent in federal taxes, even though his name wasn’t Rockefeller.

How did he do it? It was easy. For a year when the top income tax rate was 91 percent — President Kennedy would slash rates a few years later — deductions were many.

Even middle-class people like my dad enjoyed their fair share of perks.

He was a heavy smoker then — who wasn’t? — and was able to deduct every penny he paid in cigarette taxes.

He was able to deduct every penny he paid in gasoline taxes. If we had such a perk now, the federal government would go broke (that is, more broke than it is now).

And he was able to deduct every penny he paid in state sales tax in Pennsylvania, another wonderful perk that would save the average Pennsylvanian a boatload in federal taxes every year.

He took a $600 tax deduction for each of his two dependents, my sisters Kathy and Krissy — a lot of dough relative to his income.

For 2011, the deduction for each dependent is $3,750. On paper that is six times what my father got in 1959 — but if properly adjusted for inflation it would be about $5,000 today.

Here’s one that grabbed my attention: In 1959, he paid only 2.5 percent of his income toward FICA (then, Social Security; now, Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid).

Now, aside from a temporary 2-percentage-point FICA tax break, the average employee pays 7.65 percent and his or her employer kicks in another 7.65 percent.

I, being self-employed, have the pleasure of paying the full 15.3 percent myself. Despite the 2-percentage-point break for 2011, I will write out a sizable check to bring current the more than $12,000 in FICA contributions I am on the hook for.

In any event, my father had his fair share of simple deductions in 1959, which helped offset his federal taxes. That helped him keep his total federal tax tab at a measly 5 percent.

Better yet, his tax form was one sheet of paper printed on both sides. He had no calculator, nor did he need one.

He did a test run in pencil on one copy of the form, then finalized a second in ink and mailed it in; he always got a refund.

Which is why I long for the simplicity he enjoyed back then.

In 1959, the federal tax code was about 15,000 pages. Today, it is more than 70,000 pages.

Unlike my father, who was able to calculate his taxes quickly, I spend days getting mine in order, so I can hand them off to my CPA, so he can tell me I owe lots more than I feared I would.

This year, after all my deductions for business and pain and suffering — including the agitations of owning a few rental properties and investing a boat load of dough renovating one — I will pay about 25 percent of my gross income in federal, state and local taxes.

I consider myself extremely lucky at that rate.

Still, as April 17 approaches (April 15′s on a Sunday this year), I look back fondly on 1959. I didn’t pay a dime in taxes that year. I didn’t waste a moment getting hundreds of receipts in order and panicking when my CPA told me what I owed.

I wasn’t born until 1962.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

A tax or not a tax, that is the question.

Jeff Parker / Florida Today (click to view more cartoons by Parker)

Would it have been nobler for middle-class citizens to openly suffer the slings and arrows of new taxation, necessitated by my federal overhaul of America’s health care system, or better that we disguise our new taxes as “penalties and mandates” instead?

There is a cost for expanding coverage to those without health insurance — a cost for mandating that private insurers cover pre-existing conditions and offer many other goodies that we politicians like to promise voters.

Only a naif would think that a 2,700-page law would not require new taxes to pay for it!

But the middle class does not understand what is best for them. And so we were forced to conceal and contort many complexities that would only frighten them and weaken their favor!

To get my health care bill passed by Congress two years ago — to win support from fence-sitting politicians — we had to avoid all mention of taxes on the middle class. We had to use the term “penalty” to conceal these taxes.

One way to create revenue without calling it a tax was to create an individual mandate. It would force able-bodied citizens who do not have health insurance to either buy it or pay a “penalty.”

Our plan worked at first. By the skin of our teeth, we passed our bill into law! How clever we thought we were at the time. Now our cleverness cuts deep like a bare bodkin!

Twenty-six states and the National Federation of Independent Business have challenged our law’s individual mandate. They say it is not a tax, but a federal mandate that far exceeds the limited and enumerated powers of Congress under the Constitution.

Regrettably, their challenge made it all the way to the Supreme Court. We had to reverse course. We had to proclaim to all that our individual mandate, and its associated penalties, is really just a tax!

Had we created a tax in the beginning, rather than an individual mandate, the seas would be smooth, the skies without clouds — and we would not have found our solicitors standing before the highest court in the land.

Why? Because the Supreme Court agrees that the government is allowed, under the Constitution, to create a national health insurance program. We already have Medicare and Medicaid.

The Supreme Court agrees that the Constitution gives the federal government the right to levy new taxes to pay for such a program.

How we tried to convince the justices that our individual mandate is indeed a tax — that our individual mandate is a necessary requirement unique to health care, since everyone will need health care sooner or later. How we tried to convince them it is therefore constitutional!

But the conservative justices did not bite. They said that if the federal government can make private individuals buy health insurance, what can’t it make them buy? Broccoli? Cellphones?

The writing appears to be on the wall. The Supreme Court may cut, with a bare bodkin, my entire plan, the crown jewel of my presidency!

My woe is great, my heart heavy.

A health plan, a health plan, my kingdom for a health plan!

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Maybe I better explain.

The Pew Research Center released the findings of a recent report: Some 30 percent of Americans ages 25 to 34 have moved back in with their parents.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

Just 24 percent of the young adults said moving in with Mom and Dad was bad for their relationship with their parents. A quarter said it was good for that relationship. The rest said it didn’t matter.

I know a thing or two about this. In my late 20s, I hit a bad patch and moved back in with my parents for a spell — the last thing on Earth I wanted to do at the time.

Earlier in my 20s I was a very cocky lad. I’d worked a great job my first three years out of college, then quit to make some real dough in sales. I hated the sales job, though, and as soon as spring broke, I gave my notice.

Lucky for me, I had taught myself to do stone masonry during high school and college. I made terrific money rebuilding retaining walls and was able to pay for most of my Penn State tuition.

So, after quitting my sales job, I enjoyed that spring and summer, working hard labor. While selling one stone job, I met the president of a small communications agency, who offered me a job there.

Within a year, and cocky as ever, I joined up with another fellow to form my own communications agency. We did exceedingly well at first and I got cockier.

We decided to invest time and money in another venture we were sure would make us rich — one with a few tech wizards. But it made us broke.

One spring Sunday morning after I’d paid my federal income taxes, I was down to my last $3.40. My credit card was maxed out. I went to a Burger King, downed a coffee and a bagel, then started knocking on doors, looking for more stone walls to rebuild.

I sold a small job and began making a few bucks. It never occurred to me at that low point that I could have qualified for food stamps or unemployment or any kind of government help.

That spring and summer were grand. That autumn, I took a cushy position with a big company. Initially, my income was wonderful. I got myself nice suits, a new car, a nice apartment.

Then a recession hit and business was horrible. My income suddenly was lower than my outgo. I loathed the job.

After so many ups and downs — and so many more downs than ups — I was finally beaten down. I sublet the apartment, sold the car and moved home, tail tucked between my legs.

That was because there was a stigma then that frowned upon able-bodied fellows in their 20s, adults by any measure, who moved back in with their parents — for any reason.

I felt that stigma keenly.

When others asked where I lived, I told them I had a house in a nice suburb.

When people discovered I lived with my parents, I told them Mom and Dad had lost a fortune in the stock market and I had to take them in.

If any people knew the truth, I avoided them.

But there’s no such stigma anymore.

One therapist told The Washington Times that the trend of adult children moving back home was well under way before the Great Recession, which “normalized” that behavior. Children now become “adults” much later in life.

For me, moving home for a spell made it easier to start a freelance writing business and save just enough to buy my first house.

My only point? At least I was embarrassed about it!

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

“Ah, yes, you speak of recent comments by Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels, reported at CNSNews.com. He articulates America’s debt and deficit problems better than anyone in politics today.”

“You got that right. Daniels says the rate at which we’re piling on debt will lead to our ruin — that no other outcome is mathematically possible.”

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

“Regrettably, that is true — and so obvious, a fifth-grader could figure it out. Consider: When George W. Bush assumed office, the national debt was $5.7 trillion. He nearly doubled it in eight years to $10.6 trillion.”

“Some fiscal conservative he turned out to be.”

“In 2002, Bush was the first to propose a $2 trillion budget. In 2008, he was the first to propose a $3 trillion budget. In six short years, spending soared by nearly 60 percent! Now President Obama wants to spend $3.8 trillion — nearly double what we spent a decade ago!”

“That doesn’t sound so good.”

“Sure, Obama inherited a horrible economy and high deficits, but the fact is he has grown our debt by more than $5 trillion in only three years. Our national debt now stands at $15.5 trillion!”

“You sure know how to make a man worry.”

“ABC’s Jake Tapper will surely make you worry all the more. He broke down America’s finances by comparing them to a typical family’s finances. If you remove eight zeros from Obama’s proposed $3.8 trillion budget, you have $38,000 in annual spending.”

“OK, I follow you.”

“The problem is we only have $29,000 in revenue. So we are racking up $9,000 in new debt every year.”

“That’s not so good.”

“Here’s what’s worse: We already have a $155,000 debt on our credit card. Paying off that amount of debt with $38,000 in income would be hard under any circumstances. But we’re not only not paying it off, we’re growing it by $175 a week!”

“You’re a real downer, man.”

“The truth is painful, no doubt. Daniels argues it is very possible that the U.S. can pass a point of no return. We could get to a point where we are so indebted and so bankrupt that the payments on the debt alone will eat up most of the budget.”

“So what do we do to get out of this mess?”

“Despite all this talk about taxing the rich, Daniels says there is no way we can tax our way out of our fiscal mess. We need to reform entitlement programs, such as Medicare, which are growing at massive rates, but cuts alone will not fix our mess.”

“Then what will?”

“Massive economic growth. We need policies that will unleash growth in America. We need broad-based tax reform to simplify taxes and encourage investment. We need leaders who aren’t afraid to lead. We need Americans to understand how serious our debt problem is. And we need them to press their legislators to come together to solve the problem.”

“Good luck with that. More Americans are receiving government goodies now than are paying for them. They want the gravy train to keep rolling.”

“That is certainly cause for worry. French philosopher Alexis de Tocqueville predicted 176 years ago that ‘the American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public’s money.’ Haven’t we already passed this point?”

“Hey, after talking with you, I’m not in a bad mood anymore.”

“You’re not?”

“No, I’m in a horrendously miserable mood and worried sick about the future of my country.”

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

It’s been more than three years since the crash of 2008, yet the economy still stumbles and Americans are eager for any sign of life.

It reminds me of the three Irishmen discussing their funerals:

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

“I hope the mourners at my wake say, ‘He was a wonderful family man,’” said the first.

“I hope they say, ‘He was a great man in the community,’” said the second.

“That’s all well and good,” said the third, “but I hope mine say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

People are growing more suspicious of ObamaCare. Every day, government regulators reveal new mandates and taxes needed to pay for the “free” goodies our politicians have promised.

This grand bait and switch reminds me of the time O’Malley proposed to his girlfriend. One St. Patrick’s Day, he gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

The lass was so excited, she showed her family. Her father, a jeweler, quickly determined it was a fake.

The lass confronted her future husband and demanded to know why he’d attempt such a fraud.

“I did it in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he said, smiling. “I gave you a sham rock.”

The Republican presidential primaries have been awfully uninspiring. Poor Mitt Romney has been running for president for five years, yet primary voters remain underwhelmed.

It reminds me of the Irishman who threw a stick for his dog to chase but accidentally tossed it into the lake.

Amazingly, his dog walked across the water and retrieved the stick. The Irishman threw the stick into the water twice more and both times his dog walked across the water, then retrieved it.

Eager to show off his dog’s abilities, he found a Republican. The Republican watched as the Irishman’s dog walked across the lake and retrieved the stick.

“That’s not bad,” said the Republican, “but when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”

Despite massive deficits and spending, increasing regulations and poor economic performance, there are many in the media who are looking for every opportunity to praise President Obama and the Democrats for the massive government expansion they’ve inflicted on us — as though such policies could be good for any economy.

Their capacity for denial reminds me of the one about Paddy the agnostic, who marries an Irish lass. Eager to please his new bride, he converts to her Catholic faith.

He has trouble embracing his new religion, however, so he confides in the parish priest. The priest tells him practice and repetition are the keys.

“For one hour every day,” says the priest, “repeat this to yourself: I am a man of faith now, not an agnostic. I am a man of faith now, not an agnostic.”

That appeared to do the trick until one Friday during Lent. Paddy’s wife arrived home to find him grilling delicious steaks in the kitchen.

“What are you doing, Paddy?” says his wife. “You know we must forsake meat on Fridays during Lent.”

Paddy looks to the skillet and says, “You are a trout now, not a steak. You are a trout now, not a steak.”

Alas, there are many woes to keep Americans uptight these days. The St. Patrick’s season offers a needed respite.

So, kick off your shoes, enjoy a fresh pint and share some Irish jokes, such as this one:

Q: Why are Irish jokes so simplistic?

A: So Congress can understand them.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Q: My dog is panting heavily. What could it be? — North Dakota Norm

A: You appear to have the wrong advice column, but it could be that your dog is self-employed and has fallen behind on his quarterly IRS payments. Contact the IRS and negotiate a biscuit installment plan immediately.

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

Q: My wife says we can get a big deduction by donating our underwear to charity. True? — Fred from Philly

A: I remember news reports about the Clintons deducting boxes of old underwear back in the 1990s, but don’t get your hopes up. It’s doubtful your deduction will be as big as the one generated by Bill’s boxers.

Q: I am self-employed and earned $50,000 last year. I can make more working longer hours, but it seems like every extra dollar is taxed at 50 percent. — Concerned in Colorado

A: I hate to break it to you, but you are mostly correct. You are in the 25-percent federal income tax bracket. Social Security and Medicare total 15.3 percent (though there is a temporary 2 percent break). State income tax is 3.07 percent and local is 1 percent. Every dollar you earn beyond your current income is taxed at 44.37 percent.

Q: My dog stopped panting, but now my wife is panting! — North Dakota Norm

A: Don’t worry. Panting is a common affliction for Americans this time of year, as they spend precious hours complying with complex tax laws. Give your wife some bourbon.

Q: Someone told me that I am paying taxes on gasoline, utility bills, retail goods and many other things I am not even aware of. — Perturbed in Pennsylvania

A: That is correct. If you were to calculate all the taxes you are paying, you would discover that well more than half your income is funding one tax or another. If America doesn’t get its spending under control, you’d better hold tight to your wallet, because taxes are going to get worse.

Q: Didn’t Franklin Delano Roosevelt say of Social Security that no damn politician will ever take it away? — Curious in North Carolina

A: FDR did say that and, boy, was he right. Politicians have expanded the program well beyond its initial focus and now the only thing politicians are taking away is our money.

Q: This may sound dumb, but what is a tax bracket? — Uncertain in Utah

A: A tax bracket is a heavy metal object that the government uses to hit you over the head every time you succeed in earning more money.

Q: Americans need to pay higher taxes like they do in Europe. — Determined in Delaware

A: Do you really want America to be more like Europe? Most European countries have high government spending, high unemployment, slow growth rates, high inflation and governments on the verge of bankruptcy. Come to think of it, America is more like Europe than Europe, so prepare to pay high taxes like they do in Europe.

Q: My wife is still panting, but we’re out of scotch. What now? — North Dakota Norm

A: You’ll have to go to the state-run liquor store and buy more — and pay a big fat state tax markup in the process.

Q: If people are sick and tired of paying taxes, they should do what I did: Vote for Obama! I haven’t paid a penny in taxes in more than three years! — Out of Work in Ohio

A: Now there’s a thought.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

At 66, Robert was taken way too young, but, like so many baby boomers, he lived life to the fullest — and we will celebrate his funeral to the fullest.

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cardow)

I’m still in shock over the freak accident that claimed Robert’s life. He’d been living at a Buddhist monastery for only one month when it happened.

Instead of meditating and practicing yoga like the others, Robert, always the debater, peppered the monks on points of philosophy.

One morning he was found dead in an alley with sandal-scuff marks on his robe and a small statue of the Buddha stuffed down his throat.

Apparently, he’d fallen out a window.

But that was Robert. Like so many in our generation, he always did things his way.

I still laugh about the stunts he pulled in college. To protest man’s massacre of the Earth, he kidnapped the dean’s toupee and threatened not to return it until a local coal mine was shut down.

I remember his first wedding. He and his bride-to-be got married at the top of Niagara Falls, then went over the falls in a barrel.

When Robert had a son and daughter with his second wife — his first wife had died in a tragic accident at Niagara Falls — he shunned traditional names.

He named his son Top Soil, because the rich dirt is vital to survival, and his daughter Oxygen, because he wanted others to “breathe in her beauty.”

Well, now that Robert has passed on, it is only fitting that his funeral would also be unique. So many aging boomers are planning unusual funerals, in fact, that several media outlets have been reporting on the trend.

Some boomers are having poems and inscriptions painted on their caskets. Some are being buried with their pets. Others plan to put on big presentations and broadcast them over the Internet for others to see.

Now that boomers are nearing 70 and beginning to pass on in sizable numbers, the funeral industry is one of the few to thrive in our struggling economy.

Smart Money says: “After five years of losses, the funeral industry is expected to see revenue rise almost 3 percent this year, and is projecting small but steady growth over the next five years as well.”

Lucky for us, Robert was happy to oblige! He carefully planned this, his last public event, well before his unexpected demise.

First, you may notice that Robert’s casket is unusual. It is actually a custom-made cryogenic freezer in which Robert will be preserved until advances in technology can bring him back.

Second, Robert had planned a massive party after this funeral service that he referred to as his “Earth wake!” A Bob Dylan impersonator will perform and an open bar and buffet will be provided. There will be a $10 cover.

Third, Robert has purchased a complimentary monk’s robe and sandals for everyone in attendance, to help each of you begin your own spiritual journey. Robert hopes you will one day become as enlightened as he.

Last, by dying so young, Robert figured he would save our country hundreds of thousands of dollars in Medicare and Social Security costs.

He figured it was OK to raid his children’s college fund to pay for this funeral — sorry, Top Soil and Oxygen. He figured the government ought to pick up their college tab as a sort of trade-off.

That concludes this portion of Robert’s funeral service.

Could someone please help me move Robert’s cryogenic casket to the concert area?

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

USA Today reports that “in a more cynical age of downsized dreams and tight development budgets, the wild concept car — auto show eye candy — is becoming rarer.”

I’m an American. I love cars. I love how the automobile has been an American success story.

Eric Allie / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Allie)

In the early 1900s, Henry Ford perfected the assembly line, which made the automobile affordable. By 1950, America was producing two-thirds of the world’s cars. And up until the early 1970s, America was producing magical cars.

I speak of the ’69 Chevelle SS, with its 396-cubic-inch engine, four-barrel carburetor and 375 heart-stopping horses under the hood — the first car I ever drove and one I will never forget.

The early ’70s also gave us the Plymouth Duster, one of the most reliable vehicles ever mass-produced. A 1972 Duster was my first car, which I bought in 1984, fresh out of college, from my Uncle Jimmy for $400. He’d bought it — wrecked — for $75 in 1981, fixed it up and driven it 40,000 miles without so much as a tune-up.

I drove the Duster without issue for six months before trading it in for a brand-new 1984 Pontiac Sunbird — a product of a period when American automakers were having serious quality issues. It had squeaky bushings, stalled in damp weather and had a faulty sensor on the clutch that prevented the engine from starting.

Still, I went American again — with a 1987 Pontiac Firebird that was a pretty good car, though the T-tops leaked, the alternator stopped at 20,000 miles and the transmission began slipping at 60,000 miles.

And I went American again five years later — with a 1991 Ford Thunderbird. Its powerful V-8 made it fast, but it had lousy suspension, brakes that overheated and a transmission that started acting up at 20,000 miles.

After that, I finally abandoned American cars. I bought my first Japanese car — a 1994 Mazda 6 that I drove without incident for four years.

I traded that in for a top-of-the-line 1998 Mazda 6 that was a dud. Did that have something to do with American automaker Ford buying a controlling interest in Mazda a few years prior?

Whatever the case, I moved to a 2001 Nissan Maxima in 2004. When it was 8 years old, there was a minor incident with the fuel injectors, but the car was otherwise grief-free.

Last year, I purchased a brand-new Nissan Maxima — only the second new car I’ve ever purchased. It’s fast, sleek and stylish — the nicest car I’ve ever owned. And it has been perfect since day one.

Aside from a super-clean 1992 Chevy S-10 pickup I own — it’s been sitting in my dad’s garage for 12 years now — and a super-clean 2000 Jeep Wrangler 4×4 I purchased so I can make it up some monstrous hills to my house in the winter, I have not bought an American car for a long time.

Sure, American cars’ quality has improved, but too late for me: I’m a Nissan guy now.

Besides, it agitates me that GM and Chrysler made so many bad business decisions that they needed the federal government to bail them out.

It agitates me that they lack the funds to unleash the creativity of their designers to produce unbelievable concept cars to influence future designs.

Hey, I’m an American, and I love cars.

I’d love to see American automakers earn back a reputation for making the world’s finest and coolest cars.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

And that means some folks, such as those in the American Decency Association (ADA), will voice concerns about exploitation of women.

“Sports Illustrated DISRESPECTS women by displaying demeaning stereotypes of female sexuality,” says the ADA’s website. “The swimsuit issue features women models posed not as athletes of strength, skill, and endurance but as playthings … .”

That may be true, but here’s what is also true: We men are also being exploited here.

Look, it’s the middle of winter. We men have suffered a week without football. With free time on our hands, we find ourselves lost in self-examination.

We fret over our winter flab. We wish we’d chosen different career paths. We fear we’ll never amount to anything worthy.

The Sports Illustrated people understand our woes all too well.

They know we’re down in the dumps. They know we’re vulnerable. They know we’ll cough up our hard-earned dough for a momentary escape to exotic beaches, where we can pretend to prance about with bikini-clad babes.

Every year, the swimsuit issue uses the same simple formula to exploit us: stunning babes who roll around in the sand, dance on the beach and cling to their skimpy duds and curvy parts as they are hit by waves.

Sure, in our overly sexualized culture, these female models may be suffering exploitation. But aren’t they exploiting us men, too?

Many of the women who pose for the magazine are thrust into supermodel status. The ones who make it onto the cover earn a fortune in endorsements. And many of them go on to date and marry some of the world’s richest men.

But what do we average fellows get out of the deal? We get the satisfaction of knowing that we’ll never marry, let alone talk to, such world-class knockout beauties.

That makes us even more depressed.

So we go to cheesy restaurant chains where waitresses wear short shorts and low-cut shirts and exploit us all the more.

The coy lasses touch our arms delicately. They give us flirtatious glances. They talk softly and sensuously, the way women do when they know men are about to hand them gobs of money.

One of my poor, baldheaded friends falls for this ruse at least four times a month.

Despite being coated in hot-wing sauce and stale beer, he is convinced his waitress digs him. His waitress encourages this fiction and is rewarded with a 50 percent tip.

I think I speak for average fellows everywhere when I say I resent that.

I resent that some women deliberately target us for our money and are so good at parting us from it.

I resent that some waitresses can so easily take advantage of hapless, simple-minded men by plying us with a few beers.

I resent that Sports Illustrated packs its swimsuit issue with photos of some of the most physically beautiful women in the world, knowing that’s all the magazine has to do to get us to buy it.

Yeah, our culture places way too much emphasis on physical beauty and sexiness. Young girls are taught by the media that the chief way to win a male’s attention is through provocative clothing.

None of this is good.

And neither is it good for my middle-aged, hair-challenged friends to be taken advantage of by big media outlets and big restaurant chains.

It’s no wonder I am so disgusted when I purchase the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue every year.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Italian researchers made this “groundbreaking” discovery in a recent study.

According to Psych Central, the study, led by Marco Del Giudice, Ph.D., of the University of Turin, used “new and more accurate methods to measure and analyze personality differences.”

David Fitzsimmons / Arizona Daily Star (click to view more cartoons by Fitzsimmons)

Researchers administered personality tests to more than 10,000 people — approximately half men, half women — that assessed 15 personality traits, such as warmth, sensitivity, perfectionism and so on.

Here’s where the study is unique: By assessing multiple traits rather than individual traits, as prior male-female studies have done, the researchers concluded there are significant differences between the sexes.

And in my humble opinion, nothing illustrates those differences better than Valentine’s Day.

I’m certainly no expert on what women think, but doesn’t Valentine’s Day fill most women with hope?

They dream of romance, surprise and having sweet nothings whispered into their ears — and if such things happen, they hope their husbands don’t find out!

Most men have the opposite point of view. To us, Valentine’s Day is a contrived undertaking that makes mandatory the things — flowers, dining out, expensive jewelry — that should be reserved for the times when we do something really stupid and are desperate to make up.

I was raised as the only boy among five sisters. It was obvious to me early on that males and females have different priorities. My sisters were perpetually angry at me for failing to change this thing they referred to as the “toilet paper roll.”

Differences between the sexes are illustrated in the typical romance novel, read almost exclusively by women, which is filled with prose such as this:

“He was tall, silent and handsome, yet he knew everything she was thinking at every moment and he really cared and understood what she was thinking because it was important to him that he knew what she was thinking … .”

If there were such a thing as a male romance novel, it would read much differently:

“She poured the Guinness carefully, bringing forth a frothy head without spilling a drop. Smiling, she looked deeply into his eyes and said, ‘I brought you extra bleu cheese for your hot wings.’”

It’s true that, over the past three decades or so, there has been some effort to pretend that many differences don’t exist between men and women.

It’s true that a slew of men’s magazines have headlines on their covers that are almost identical to headlines on the covers of traditional women’s magazines (“How to Style Your Hair to Win Her Affection!”).

It’s true that way too many men are getting misty at baby showers and clapping enthusiastically the first time Junior uses the “poddy” for “No. 2.”

And it’s true that most every dad is depicted on television as a soft, bumbling idiot, whereas most every mom is portrayed as a masculine, decisive figure who keeps the household together.

But aren’t these scenarios mostly fictions?

Heck, we’ve come so far in our thinking in so many areas. Can’t we just take our level of understanding one step further — into the realm of reality and common sense?

Why do we need studies to validate what is obvious? Most people know that males and females are remarkably different.

Our differences are good — particularly on Valentine’s Day.

It is only when the two truly opposite forces called man and woman come together that romance may occur.

And if a fellow is lucky to have a fine lady in his life, the contrivances of Valentine’s Day won’t bother him much in the end.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune- Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

According to The Economist, Canada is doing well as America continues to struggle.

Our wiser, more cautious friends to the north avoided the housing bubble and financial collapse of 2008. They returned to robust growth in 2009 and have been growing since.

Rick McKee / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

Unlike America, Canada’s debt and deficits are in good order. Canada expects to balance its budget by 2015 — whereas America’s budget comes up short every month.

Canada, like America, is blessed with natural resources, such as minerals, timber and oil. Unlike America, Canada isn’t afraid to tap its resources and sell them to other countries for a bundle.

Heck, our president just told the Canadians he doesn’t want a pipeline that would pump Canadian oil to U.S. refineries — and a lot of dough into America.

Canada’s credit rating remains at AAA — high for economic health and stability — whereas America’s was cut for the first time in history.

More unemployed Americans are fleeing north, where good-paying work is available, thanks to unemployment nearly 2 percentage points lower than ours.

Though I am happy for Canada, this turn of events is most unsettling to me.

Didn’t Canada used to suffer from big-government policies and out-of-control spending, whereas America was always the great high-growth capitalist success story?

Wasn’t it Canadian doctors who used to skate in the dark of night across frozen lakes to accept fine-paying jobs in America’s mostly private health-care system? With the advent of ObamaCare, will American doctors be skating north?

Wasn’t it Canadians avoiding their country’s high value-added taxes who used to travel to U.S. shopping malls and discount stores, where they bought up all the good stuff before Americans could get at it?

Every winter, their plundering left Americans without adequate supplies of ChapStick, beef jerky and down jackets.

With U.S. spending, deficits and debt completely out of control, how long will it be before higher taxes are imposed here? Before somebody proposes a national value-added sales tax on Americans’ every transaction?

Will Americans be traveling north to do their shopping?

Here’s what’s even nuttier: Canada, with its proud history of big-government initiatives such as health care, is now led by a pro-capitalist conservative, whereas America is led by a fellow who’s trying to turn his country into Western Europe.

As President Obama continues to “spread the wealth around,” grow government and look for ways to raise taxes to pay for it all, Canada’s prime minister believes a pro-growth approach is the best way to fund his country’s social programs.

Here’s what one of the prime minister’s spokesmen told Postmedia News:

“I think Canada’s record has always been one that we are firm believers in the markets and we know that prosperity, through capitalism in markets, is ultimately what pays for all the things that we enjoy here in Canada.”

Sheesh! I remember when U.S. presidents believed such things.

In any event, a reversal of Canadian and American fortunes appears to have occurred.

So I have a proposition for our friends up north: Hey, Canada, want to switch leaders for a while?

Isn’t our president more suited to your traditions, whereas your prime minister is more suited to ours?

We’ll give him back once he gets U.S. unemployment below 7 percent.

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©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

As it goes, researchers were surprised to discover that balding men have the same number of hair-producing stem cells as men with full heads of hair. If scientists can find a way to activate these stem cells, baldies will have hair again.

Andy Singer / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Singer)

And that is good news for fellows like me, whose hair is beginning to recede some. Hair is more important than ever. I think I know why.

For most of human history, you see, the roles of men and women were clearly defined. Since basic survival was so difficult, the division of labor was very clear and imprinted on our DNA.

Thus, men tended to perform the tasks that required size and strength. We wrestled bear and elk, plowed fields and defended our families from plunderers.

Women, on the other hand, tended to manage other important tasks, focusing on the homestead.

Because there was more work for both men and women than there was time in the day, men and women didn’t argue much over who did what and generally appreciated each other.

But as the technological revolution took hold, fewer jobs required strength and brawn. Technology made household chores much easier to accomplish.

While men were happy working assembly line jobs, women were at home getting bored. It soon became apparent — during World War II, when women took to the factories — that women could do the same jobs men did and just as well, if not better.

The modern battle of the sexes kicked into high gear.

Well, today, women have made tremendous advances. They’re doing way better than their male counterparts in advanced education and excelling in high-paying professions.

Which is why men without hair are in such trouble.

In the old days, before the roles of men and women got blurred, even a fat, balding guy had a shot at the prom queen. Because women tended to be financially dependent on men, they were more willing to consort with boring men of high moral character — so much as long as the fellows were CPAs.

Now that so many women are financially independent, they can be choosy, and who can blame them? They want fellows with full heads of hair and good looks. Bald men have it worse than ever.

Not only do they generally have trouble competing for women against their full-head-of-hair rivals, they tend to have trouble succeeding in all areas of life.

Look at the top male officials in any organization and it is rare to find one without a good head of thick “executive hair.”

Look at our recent presidents: Obama, Bush II, Clinton, Bush I, Carter … you have to go all the way back to Ford in the mid-’70s to find the last excessively-receding-hairline guy who made it to the top office (though it was Nixon’s resignation, not the voters, that put him there). You have to go all the way back to Eisenhower in the ’50s to find the last bald president.

My point: In the modern era, in which the roles of men and women are blurry and changing, bald fellows don’t have a prayer.

That is a matter of concern for me — a fellow whose hair is just beginning to recede a touch.

So I hope researchers are on the verge of finding a cure for baldness. But I’m in no rush.

Obama’s hair is showing a touch of gray and thinning. I hope that portends the outcome of November’s election.

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

I’ve been a private investigator a long time, but my last assignment was a dud.

I was hired to find “scandalous” actions or personal failings committed by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

Nate Beeler / Washington Examiner (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

Here’s what puzzled me at first: I was hired by a Romney supporter.

It was often boring digging into the private lives of Republicans — particularly clean-living fellows, such as Romney — but I needed the dough.

According to his official biography, he hails from humble origins. His father started off as a lath-and-plaster carpenter, then worked his way up to heading American Motors and eventually became governor of Michigan.

The old man had the dough to send his son to fine schools. Mitt Romney earned dual degrees from Harvard’s law and business schools, then became a business consultant. Failing companies paid him to turn them around.

In 1984, he founded an investment firm, Bain Capital, to buy struggling companies and fix them. He must have had some aptitude for his work, as he became a very rich man making broken companies work.

I talked to old business colleagues and scoured old financial records. If there were improprieties, they aren’t obvious.

The worst thing I could pin on Romney was the alleged use of a company phone to make a personal long-distance call to his wife. That’s right, he allegedly stole a $1.28 call.

I shifted gears to his personal life. Surely a man with all that money could afford to keep a girl or two on the side. I began shadowing the guy from morning until night, at home and on the road, campaigning.

No luck. He appeared to genuinely care for his wife. He met her in elementary school. He spent all his free time with her, their kids and grandkids.

But one night as I shadowed him, he woke at 3 a.m. I hoped to catch him sneaking out to a lady friend, only to discover him sneaking a cookie as he went into the kitchen to get his wife a glass of water.

Still, I wasn’t buying it. It’s the upright, clean-living types who often have skeletons in their closets. Gambling. Drinking. Prescription drugs. There had to be something.

I dug harder. I looked through more records. I talked to more people. The time came for me to report back to my client, the Romney supporter.

“Please tell me you got some dirt on Romney,” he said.

“I hate to break it to you, but Mother Theresa had a more colorful social life than this guy,” I said.

“What about the dog story?”

That one is making the news — again. In 1983, Romney secured his dog — in a special cage — to the roof of his station wagon for a long vacation drive.

“The dog survived the trip OK,” I said. I could see the disappointment in my client’s face.

“He hired illegal immigrants?” he asked.

“Romney hired a landscaping company that had hired illegal immigrants. He never directly hired illegal immigrants.”

The Romney supporter was beside himself.

“We have to find something better than dogs and landscaping companies!” he said. “Pollster John Zogby says Romney comes across as too perfect and wooden to voters. Zogby says a scandal would make him more human and relatable.”

I nodded.

“Don’t you see,” the client continued. “With such an uninspiring Republican field, it appears that Romney is our best hope of unseating President Obama — our best hope of tax, entitlement and spending reform, which we need to keep our country from going over a cliff. Please tell me you found some other Romney dirt!”

“In the sixth grade, he abandoned his station as a school-crossing guard.”

—–

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

My confusion kicked into high gear in 1987 when the market plunged 508 points in one day, losing 22 percent of its value and killing my IRA.

The experts had lots of explanations after the collapse, but most failed to see it coming.

Angel Boligan / CagleCartoons.com (click to view our latest cartoons)

I vaguely remember the Asian financial crisis of 1997, too. It caused another Wall Street collapse that the experts didn’t see coming.

Afterward, they explained that some banks in Thailand had credit problems. This caused a run on the baht, which is either the Thai currency or a really tasty dish along the lines of Gen. Tso’s chicken.

Well, the bank run caused other Asian currencies to suffer, which caused the Hong Kong stock market to take a hit, which caused fear and panic at other stock markets throughout the world, which eventually caused a bunch of New York guys in suits to jump out windows.

And my IRA took another beating.

There have been lots of confusing ups and downs since then. I have been confused by the tech-stock bubble collapse of 2002, the housing bubble collapse of 2008 — thousands of experts completely missed that one — and the highly volatile stock market of the last three years.

If only the experts had had the same economics professor as I did back in 1984.

Purcell: “A rapidly growing economy is good, sir, because then we can all get rich!”

Professor: “Rapid growth causes inflation, you nitwit!”

Purcell: “Low unemployment is terrific because that means everyone gets to have a job!”

Professor: “Low unemployment can cause wage pressures, which cause inflation, you idiot!”

Believe it or not, I got an A-plus in the class. I answered every test question with the exact opposite of what I thought was right.

Boy, did that approach help in 2006 when housing values were soaring and everybody was jumping in. I, a lousy English major, warned everyone I knew to do the opposite! Son of a gun if a massive collapse didn’t occur soon after.

For the most part, though, I and the experts remain confused.

That’s because everything is linked together in ways even economic geniuses can’t comprehend. Governments around the world have their tentacles all over the marketplace.

Thus, every time a Chinese communist sneezes, worldwide sell-offs follow. When Angela Merkel has a bad hair day, Mercedes stock plummets. When Benjamin Netanyahu gets a pimple, oil prices soar.

At least I think that’s what happens.

That’s why part of me is nostalgic for the old days, when America was largely self-contained.

We created jobs by manufacturing and buying our own cars. We drove the cars for two years, until they rusted into the ground, which caused us to buy more cars, which created more jobs!

But not anymore. American cars are built with motors made in Mexico, bumpers made in Brazil, ignition systems made in Taiwan, bodies assembled in Canada. You want an American car? Buy a Honda. They make those in Ohio.

In any event, all this interweaving of international investment means anything that happens anywhere can make or break my retirement.

It means European countries that overspend, over borrow and eventually collapse will have a painful impact on an America that continues to overspend, over borrow and will — if we don’t get our act together — eventually collapse.

That’s why I’m so confused about my retirement savings.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

Smart employers are taking advantage of the trend. They’re saving big on office space and other costs by letting more of their employees work from home.

Andy Singer - PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Singer)

The idea is so sensible that even the feds are catching on. That’s why Congress passed the Telework Enhancement Act of 2010. Of course, agencies require new laws, rules and hours of bureaucratic analysis before they attempt to implement anything as sensible as “teleworking.”

Here are some tips for federal employees.

I have been teleworking for years (I’m writing this column from an office in my country home). I wear blue jeans or running clothes every day. I save a fortune on dry cleaning.

I never waste precious personal time in rush-hour traffic. I roll out of bed and get right to work — and sneak afternoon naps to keep mentally sharp.

While there are lots of upsides to teleworking, there are some downsides.

For starters, it’s much more difficult to participate in office politics — of particular importance in the government sector, where licking boots is the key to career advancement.

In the private sector, you can get by for years by producing items of actual value — items that help your organization reduce costs or increase sales and profits.

But in the public sector, where there are no profits and the goal is to increase annual funding, many teleworkers will need to produce even lengthier reports to demonstrate tangible evidence that they are “working.”

Then again, in the very near future, there might be particular benefits unique to government teleworkers.

Any fool with basic math skills can see America is headed for a cliff. Government growth and spending continue to soar, whereas the private economy is barely growing at all. It’s only a matter of time before even the federal government begins to cut employees.

But what safer place to be a government employee than under your desk in your own home office?

When the federal government finally begins to cut, it will be the invisible federal teleworker, who produces no reports and never phones into the office, who will sustain his career through retirement — as large centralized governments, such as ours, aren’t much good at keeping track of people or things.

It’s true you are likely to get bored hiding in your home over the years — isolation is one of the greatest threats to the well-being of a federal teleworker — but I have some tips for that, too.

If you get lonely, consider getting a pet. Dogs require a lot of attention and frequent walks.

Depending on your access to federal credit cards or lines of credit, you might be able to find a way to pay for an assistant, so you will at least have someone to play checkers with.

Or you can try, as I did, to hire a 24-year-old Swedish nanny — though, regrettably, the nanny agency assured me I needed to be a family.

In any event, surveys show that most federal agencies are way behind schedule as they establish frameworks to implement their government-mandated telework policies.

Still, I hope my tips will be of some assistance.

©2012 Tom Purcell. Tom Purcell, a freelance writer is also a humor columnist for the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate. For more info contact Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or email cari@cagle.com. Email Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.