Up until about an hour ago, most Americans thought Benghazi was the guy who palled around with John Cassavetes back in the ’60s, but now it’s obvious we’re talking about the foreign policy arm of a multi-ramped tar pit the president has found himself swimming — up to his armpits. Yes, friends, it’s pity time at the White House.

Daryl Cagle / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

After flogging the issue nonstop since September 11, the Fox News Team’s persistence finally pushed the story of the Libyan Embassy riot that resulted in the death of four Americans over the cliff into the public consciousness. Space available only because both Survivor and Duck Dynasty are on hiatus.

The hue and cry from the right is demanding many questions be answered. Was the protest planned or spontaneous? Did the group that initiated the attack have any affiliation with Arab terrorists? Who altered the talking points — the CIA or the State Department? Where were the drones? Queens? Wasps? Chigger mites? How many angels can dance on the head of a bent and broken Romney/Ryan pin? What would Cheney do?

Having taken all this in, the American people responded with what can only be characterized as even more penetrating questions such as: “Who cares? What difference does it make? Aren’t we stuffed to the gills with enough partisan gobbled-goop already? Does anyone really give an albino rat’s ass? Isn’t there a seafood buffet around here somewhere?”

The revelations have been as startling as mint jelly on lamb. Tragic, violent events occurring in the Middle East? Oh no! Not that. Perpetual infighting amongst government agencies? That couldn’t happen here, could it? Republicans accusing a Democratic administration of not being patriotic enough? What are the odds?

Next you’ll tell me the Justice Department investigation of the Justice Department’s seizure of AP reporters’ phone records will lead to the Justice Department concluding that the Justice Department did nothing wrong. The public’s eyes are glazing over like a fifth-grader lectured on the nutritional aspects of broccoli rabe.

Haven’t we been told for the last twenty, thirty years that Libya is a godless pit of iniquity and now they want us to heap truckloads of blame onto our own guys because someone got killed over there? After they themselves voted down additional money for embassy security? Another example of that whole “dynamite the front steps then complain what a pain it is to climb into the house on a rope ladder” school of logic.

But the GOP remains convinced they have the administration on the run, and is calling for all sorts of investigative committees and dedicated inquiry boards and pretty soon it will be special prosecutors and courtrooms full of hopping kangaroos and then pointy sticks and barbed wire and dungeon doors with keys specifically designed to be thrown away. Just in time for the midterms.

And if everything goes according to plan, Hillary Clinton and her nascent 2016 Presidential run will wither and rot behind the same Benghazi charges. But the Republicans must know how tricky this sort of maneuver can be. As with all smoke screens, you have to pay real close attention to which way the wind blows, or you could easily end up choking on the same stuff you’re spreading.

Recipient of seven consecutive nominations for Stand-Up of the Year, Will Durst’s new one-man show, “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG,” is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

You do realize that Washington, D.C. is not the real world, don’t you? It’s a state of mind. An altered state of mind. Where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Slammed when you stand and rammed when you run. Berated if you lie and lambasted for the truth. Where even the slightest of breeze can carry the pollen of disaster. And the pack on top knows the best way to avoid getting a face full of disaster pollen is to spread the dried residue of other exquisite catastrophes first. Ream or be reamed.

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Sack)

And as far as D.C. stories go, a lack of misfortune is no good reason not to speak of them. So now the Washington punditry has banded together to float the notion that President Obama’s second-term agenda has stalled. That he’s such a lame duck the presidential limousine should be sporting a blue placard hanging from the rear view mirror. Best thing to do is to burrow deep and lie low. Give up and crawl into the overhead compartment of Air Force One and eat marzipan in the dark.

Now. Already. Four months in, with 44 left to go. Holey moley, guys. You left the movie before the opening credits rolled. More stuff happens after the overture, you know. Have you ever made it through an entire entree? Would hate to be your date at a baseball game; you sound like the kind of people who leave between the top and bottom halves of the second inning. Must be Dodger fans.

It takes a special kind of degenerative myopia to craft these precocious accusations. First off, you need to be blind as an Oedipal bat to ignore the exhaustingly recalcitrant House majority, including leader John Boehner, who would rather be seen washing skid-mark undies in a Congressional hallway water fountain than work with the president.

To fail to witness the GOP defy the will of 90 percent of America while appeasing their NRA overlords, your sunglasses must be cut from slabs of granite. Wearing your hoodie on backwards to not be aware that both sides of the aisle are concerned with one thing and one thing only: re-election. Suffer from tertiary retinal jam not to notice you’re jumping on a bandwagon so flimsy a lighting moth would crash through the floorboards.

Let’s say the Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs commentators are correct. That the Kenyan Kid has wasted the tiny political capital his November election earned. What’s he supposed to do now? Take up hydroponic gardening to supply dispensaries in Colorado and Washington? Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge.

Engage in a lengthy bout of Hawaiian location scouting for potential presidential library sites? Establish residency in some backwater state so Michelle can run for Senator? Canvas talent agencies for potential 2017 speaking engagements? Spend an inordinate amount of time in the basement White House bowling alley to get his average up for the Ex-Presidents League?

And since we’ve agreed his presidency is over, why stop there? Since the number one GOP strategy since January of ’93 has been to deny any Democratic president even the tiniest of victories, this might be an unimpeachable time to preemptively besmirch Hillary Clinton’s upcoming first term as an unmitigated calamity and complete and utter failure. Unless you’re into self-fulfilling prophecies.

Recipient of seven consecutive nominations for Stand-Up of the Year, Will Durst’s new one-man show, “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG,” is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Put on your tinfoil hats everybody. Or didn’t you get the memo? Its paranoia time in America again. Maybe it’s the spring that brings out the crazy in our legislators. Of course, that would assume a semblance of sanity the other three seasons, and nobody wants to bet anything more than lunch money on that proposition.

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen, Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Cardow)

The deal is, some maladjusted California State Senator who obviously didn’t get enough hugs from his mommy has single handedly set out to shackle another of our nation’s emerging industries to the cement block of job-killing restriction. Apparently, we don’t have enough problems, so this guy has to make stuff up.

A bill by Alex Padilla, D-Pacoima, would make civilian spy drones illegal and require law enforcement to obtain a warrant before deployment. Doesn’t he get it? You can’t hold back the future. The drones are coming. Probably wants to require air bags and wheelchair ramps installed for potential disabled mouse pilots as well.

This loony leftist has targeted an embryonic market, which unfettered would have the potential to boost this country’s economy to the tune of hundreds of billions of dollars. Not to mention destroying any possibility of world-wide drone domination. Ground-floor dronage is what we’re giving up here.

Just what we don’t need. Another namby-pamby California socialist with his knickers all in a wad over more silly liberal concepts like invasion of privacy. Who’s he kidding? What privacy? Like we got any left. Must live in a cave. Besides, if you’re not doing anything wrong, you got nothing to worry about. Although, the definition of wrong does tend to be somewhat elastic these days according to who’s on the critiquing end. But as long as god-fearing people are in charge, we can sleep easy. Fearing the right god, that is.

It is estimated by the year 2020, 10,000 drones will be scampering around U.S. airspace. Municipal drones. Federal drones. Personal drones. Pocket drones. Big drones with baby drones flying out of their bellies. Lexus drones. Pinto drones. Security drones. Billboard drones. Drones with eyes and ears and wings and feet and… arms. Imagine every household functioning as its own defense department with a flying bazooka under remote control. It’s a patriot’s dream come true.

Now think of the jobs the drone industry could create. Drone traffic controllers. Drone valets. Drone charging stations. After-market drone turbo conversion shops. Replacement drone dome light factories. And in response, the brave new world of technology designed to thwart and stymie drones. Drone sensors. Rooftop detection radar. Heat emitting decoys. Drone clones. Huge umbrella hats and lightweight overcoats with enormous shoulder pads to foil recognition software. Harry Potter brand invisibility cloaks.

The day will come when entire law firms specialize in drone issues. Representing plaintiffs and manufacturers in cases involving drone accidents, drone crashes and folks rained down upon with drone debris leading to… drone insurance. And the listening capabilities of drones will inevitably lead to a proliferation in the use of American Sign Language.

But, if people like Alex Padilla get their way, this legislation will set off a veritable avalanche of meddling regulation. Next will come neighborhood no-fly zones. And then the Seagulls’ Bill of Rights. So, write your representatives today and tell them to say yes to America. Say yes to drones. Say yes to… little deaf children.

Recipient of seven consecutive nominations for Stand-Up of the Year, Will Durst performs his new one-man show, “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG,” on Tuesday, May 7, at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

Behavior best exemplified by their insect-like ability to manufacture a sort of shame-resistant exoskeleton. When scandalized, your ordinary citizen will retreat, burrowing deep into a hidey-hole and pulling the hole back in on himself. Not the politicians. They will hold a press conference to declare all accusations baseless, then publicly resign to spend more time with their family. Of course, nobody gets to ask the family how they feel. Sometimes the smiles are so tight you can hear enamel cracking.

Following an imprecise length of penitence, depending on the transgression, they publicly declare their self-imposed sabbaticals to be complete, and head up the comeback trail spouting enough platitudes to chagrin an evangelist. Cue the red, white and blue gospel music. All is forgiven and the practiced hypocrisy reels back out in a tail-sucking mobius loop.

Recently, a veritable gaggle of disgraced politicians have serpentined their way back into the spotlight. Surely you remember the unfortunately named Anthony Weiner, New York Congressman, caught knee-deep in doo-doo for sexting six women, including a porn star. Even tried to get her to lie about the relationship, but she refused. Might be Weiner’s lasting legacy; proving porn possesses more integrity than politics.

Currently running for mayor of New York City, Weiner recently announced a 64-part plan to keep New York vibrant. And used Twitter to do it. Seriously. Dude. Do you really want to remind people of the source of your crotch shots? Verdict: Unsure whether his atonement has fully ripened.

Former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s return involves reclaiming his 1st District Congressional seat. The man who turned “Hike the Appalachian Trail” into a euphemism for a quick canoodle with someone not your wife, already bested a GOP primary field of 16 and faces off with Stephen Colbert’s sister, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, in a special election May 7.

The National Republican Congressional Committee pulled all support after Sanford’s wife accused him of defying divorce settlement terms. Prompting the philanderer to take out a full-page 1,200-word ad explaining why he trespassed on his wife’s property during the Super Bowl. A candidate treatise subtitled: “Why I Trespassed.” Never good. Verdict: once again, more time in penalty box seems unavoidable.

Former CIA Director David Petraeus just nabbed a gig as visiting professor at City College of New York, presumably speaking on the dangers of having an affair with someone reasonably positioned to finagle a book deal. Verdict: Commonly referred to as a soft entrance. Expect larger leap to more prestigious lily pad in not too distant future.

The results of these post-intermission silk-spinning runs are undoubtedly being studied by the teeming hordes of other sideline lurkers — John Edwards, Herman Cain, Mark Foley, Gary Condit and their lugubrious ilk. Meanwhile, Larry Craig skulks, still battling that pesky restless leg syndrome. Simply seeking the solace of some anonymous airport men’s room stall.

Recipient of seven consecutive nominations for Stand-Up of the Year, Will Durst performs his new one-man show, “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG,” every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to… themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

And now for a few choice words about the recent Senate vote that scuttled universal background checks on gun purchases. And the first three of those words are… Yellow-Bellied Cowards. Here’s a couple more. Gutless, Craven, Chicken-Hearted Invertebrates. Dastardly, Lily-Livered, Spineless Jellyfish with the moral compunction of inbred Piranhas crowded into a too-small tank filled with liquid meth.

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Sack)

That giant, arrogant pimp known as the NRA should be laughing hysterically after its lackeys trashed the ephemeral spirit of compromise that had settled over Washington like a soft dawn mist. Ninety percent of Republicans voted against an issue 90 percent of the American people support. A bipartisan bill that was so watered down it was translucent. Leaked moisture all through the Senate chamber to a depth of a half-inch. Would have easily supported two schools of guppies.

The Senators that deigned to speak before scurrying down their greasy little wormholes to bunk in the nether regions of hell whined that pro-gun forces punish politicians for votes, while pro-gun control forces don’t. Nobody mentioned the right thing to do or keeping automatic weapons out of the hands of felons or making the country or our schools safer. You know, their job.

The NRA, itself worried about being primaried from the right by other gun associations, encouraged its well-compensated hookers to compete among themselves to see who could lie most outrageously. Numerous Senators claimed the bill would lead to a national gun registry even though the very bill they spoke of included provisions to specifically prohibit such a thing. Perhaps it needs to be spelled out in simpler language like: “Gun Registry — Bad. Not Good. No-Go. Not Going to Happen.”

Besides, exactly what is wrong with a national gun registry? You have to register a car. Most cities mandate bicycles be licensed. You need a card to take a book out of a library for crum’s sakes. Proving that some people are much more comfortable with guns than they are books. Which is part of the problem.

In what was surely meant as an inside joke, Oklahoma Sen. Tom Coburn complained the bill would raise taxes. Why stop there? And child pornographers will camp in your back yard practicing Sharia law with uncircumcised goats riddled with Chinese bird flu.

This time the NRA may have over-reached. Perpetrated an outrage too far. A revulsion too great. Could very well have created its own Frankenstein monster. 90 percent is a big figure. You’d think even the most casual of voters might tend to remember when someone turns their back on the country, jumps up and down on a litter of newborn puppies, then parties. And it would only take a committed few to throw their allegiance to candidates who pledge loyalty to the nation rather than a lobby that focuses on weapons of mass destruction.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal wasn’t kidding. The GOP’s path is clear. It is doomed to be the rich, white guy, anti-science, pro-gun, stupid party. Destined to slowly strangle on its own gurgling incoherencies until it is no longer comprehensible or relevant. Couldn’t happen soon enough to a nicer bunch of rich white guys. And their grinning, gun-toting, treacherous minions.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst performs his new one-man show, “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG,” every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Forget the robin. Ignore the tulips. Do not let the Easter Bunny, hummingbirds or awakening bears hoodwink you. The first baseball thrown in anger is the true harbinger of spring and calendar alarm for the lazy discard of the heavy encumbrances of winter. Ditch the parka and pull out the windbreaker. Stash the boots and burn the long underwear. Trust me. Burn the long underwear.

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Sack)

Civilization dodged another bullet. The dragon once again neglected to eat the sun; the light is returning and summer has embarked on its lollygaggingly capricious path. Barbecue grills are getting a good scrubbing. Complicated intra-family schedules are being examined through molecular microscopes for reunion potentialities. Carnies are accidentally shearing the heads off of retaining bolts to the Whip-A-Whirl. All activities destined to be accompanied by the mantra of summer — a play-by-play broadcast on AM radio.

Opening Day is the true American holiday of renewal, showcasing that memorably mortal moment when anything’s possible. This IS next year. Second chances ARE real. Welcome to zero when every team has the same theoretical opportunity to make a run. Win a pennant. Stuff the 30 Flags trophy in a display case. Or just beat the Dodgers like a red-headed stepchild. Hope. Springs. Eternal. Not even the Cubbies have been mathematically eliminated yet. The Astros and Royals, maybe.

Baseball’s long-haul season is another of its peculiar charms. 162 games. An eight month long soap opera in cleats. Plenty time enough for spectacular feats of athleticism, mythic comebacks, grandiose stumbles, the heroic shattering of records and an occasional ball bouncing off of a head over the fence. They call it the National Pastime, not the National Surgical Strike. And those who pay attention will see something every day that has never happened before. #snowflakes.

Baseball players are also easier to relate to as humans than other athletes. They are not augmented in outline by layers of armor plating. Nor are they freaks of nature towering above the populace like redwoods in a forest of pussy willows. Their job is to run and throw and swing a stick and catch a ball. “Hey. I can do that.” Just not as good.

Encounter one of the Boys of Summer on the street and you could mistake them for plumbers or lawyers or corporate event planners. Very buff plumbers and lawyers and corporate event planners, with forearms the size of telephone poles — but still.

Sure, some make fabulous money, but they seem more like blue-collar workers at heart. Golfers require absolute quiet while approaching a teed ball with a metal club, but in baseball, the batter is assaulted by shouts and jeers and the heckling of tiered multitudes in his quest to swing a wooden bat at a white sphere approaching 100 mph thrown not too distant from the vicinity of his head.

You can smell it in the air. The musty team t-shirts pulled from the backs of closets and bottoms of wardrobes. The roasting of foot-long bratwursts on an open grill behind third base. The toasting of the half-naked fans in the center-field bleachers. That odd, pungent odor emanating from the men’s room. Baseball is back and all is right with the world. “Play Ball!” And Go Giants!

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new one-man show, “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG,” opens previews at The Marsh, San Francisco, on April 16. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

The nation held its collective breath and turned not just blue but a veritable rainbow of colors as the Supreme Court spent a goodly part of two days hearing oral arguments on gay marriage. Well, at least they were in the same room as arguments about gay marriage were oralled. In a position to eavesdrop on a series of gay marriage arguments, if they were of a mind to.

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cardow)

You can never really pin down which of the nine Phat Ebony Robes is hearing what. Court watchers long have presumed Justice Scalia underwent a powdered- wig strict constructionist-filter installation years back that insures nothing post-18th century funnels through to his cognitive cells. And if Antonin can’t hear it, as far as Clarence Thomas is concerned, it doesn’t exist. The others hear what they want to hear. Proving they do indeed represent America.

The Supremes will weigh in on the Defense of Marriage Act and the legality of California’s Proposition 8 sometime in June. Until then the suspense is killing us — thrillingly. Although the fact they’re using “opposite-sex marriage” to describe heterosexuality should already be counted as a victory. And like everything else that comes before the court, final disposition probably depends on which side of the bed Justice Kennedy wakes up.

Don’t tell the Berobed Ones (mustn’t allow deeper insecurity complexes to develop), but it doesn’t really matter how they rule, because gay marriage is on the fast track to be permanently woven into the fabric of our national diversity quilt. The handwriting is on the wall. And the penmanship is stunning.

Across the country, same-sex marriage polls have risen faster than property taxes in a tulip bubble. Pollster Nate Silver of The New York Times, the nation’s soothsayer, expects national support to increase 1.5 percentage points each year. And let us lay thanks at the remote of the one-eyed HD beast, television.

Familiarity breeds tolerance. Gay celebs such as Ellen DeGeneres and Anderson Cooper have encouraged kids of today to live their lives openly. Allowing middle America enough interactive glances to realize the gay community doesn’t devote most of its waking hours attempting to engorge the Armies of Sodom brandishing pitchforks and sporting horns. Like we were told. Over and over.

When you say “gay people,” the emphasis is on the people and the only real difference between gay and straight is which way your head faces during sex. That’s it. And an uncanny ability to assemble amazing appetizer trays. Grilled asparagus wrapped in goat cheese and prosciutto? Yes! Fist bump. Blow it up. Now talk about it.

And forget the malevolent clowns of the Westboro Baptist Church, who make God laugh so hard he spits milk through his nose. Casual bigotry is dying off. Literally. Old people and their parents with a life radius of 30 miles. Oh sure, there will always be prejudice, stupidity and fear but society is rapidly realizing that “gay” is just another adjective; like blonde or buff or stinky.

Whether its generational shifts, enlightened minds or disco going mainstream, the tide of tolerance is proving inexorable. Only a matter of time before gay marriage is universally accepted, and then it will seem perfectly routine until eventually it becomes mandatory. Dibs on Clooney!

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new one-man show, “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG,” opens previews at The Marsh, San Francisco, on April 16. Go to themarsh.org or willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Normally you don’t expect to see the words “Republicans” and “introspection” right next to each other. Like supermodel and barbecue. Physicist and polka. Gazelle and ophthalmology. You catch my drift.

Daryl Cagle / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

But that’s exactly what happened last week, when the Republican Party released a 100-page report detailing why their last presidential campaign skidded into the emergency room Dead on Arrival.

The findings were compiled through analysis, interviews and feedback from campaign managers, focus groups, and most likely augmented by clandestine hanging out at bars during happy hour in the proximity of graveyards and funeral parlors. Some paint it as a comprehensive post-election review. Others argue it’s incomprehensible. The media calls it an autopsy. A self-addressed post-mortem love letter in the spirit of Poe.

Hogwash and flummery could also be thrown into the descriptive mix as the dispatch’s theme finds nothing wrong with the party message; the problem is all in the delivery. No need to demonstrate more compassion, the trick is to seem more compassionate. Got to learn how to win Ohio without ticking off Arkansas. In other words, all they need to do is to bleach the leopard’s spots.

The study was commissioned by members of the party’s hierarchy and given the official title — Growth and Opportunity Project. A GOP for the GOP. Although Grossly Obvious Poppycock fits as well. Claiming party purity trumps electoral victory, there is already heavy pushback from the right. “What good is it to win earthly spoils when you lose your immortal soul and your breath still smells like embalming fluid?”

What this really calls for is an independent perspective. You want an autopsy, we’ll give you an autopsy.

“Summary Report of Autopsy concerning the corpse of the 2012 Republican campaign. External Examination. Close inspection of the body, an old white billionaire, reveals a serrated knife approximately 9 inches long with the initials, Grover Norquist, engraved on the handle, protruding from under the right side between the 4th & 5th ribs.

“Gunshot residue found covering the right hand in excess of ½-inch depth, which considering the holes in the right temple exhibiting upward trajectories, is consistent with what can only be described as a series of self-inflicted gunshot wounds. DNA tests reveal skin samples found under the broken nails of both hands are indicative of numerous encounters between the victim and an unknown woman or perhaps group of women.

“The nose is missing which corresponds to the victim’s recent recurring publicized bout of TeaPartyitis, a disease which causes the sufferer to cut off his nose to spite his face. In the rectum, what appears to be a wooden stick 6 inches long and ¾ inch in diameter, has been lodged for quite some time causing a critical backup of feces.

“Pending toxicology results from the lab, internal examination reveals organs in a state consistent with the victim’s age, with two conspicuous anomalies. A steady diet of bunk and bamboozle has dulled the senses creating a milky film that covers the retinas. Most exceptional was the astonishing discovery of the total absence of a heart.

“It is the opinion of this office the cause of death was this myocardial void along with the aforementioned complications from various acute traumas. In other words, the victim was probably dead for a long time, just didn’t know it.”

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info on stand-up performances.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores

Thankfully the current revival of President Obama’s Charm Offensive is not a theatrical production, because the reviews are decidedly mixed. Seeing him furiously pirouette around Washington for the last two weeks like a carnival contortionist makes you wonder if he might be secretly setting up a post-presidential career in a Las Vegas Cirque du Soleil spin-off.

Daryl Cagle / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

POTUS is reportedly reaching across the aisle in a last ditch attempt to resuscitate his budgetary Grand Bargain, but chances still remain stuck in the Potomac Triangle of slim, none and get the heck out of here you silly, silly man. The Triangle is that undefined swamp in D.C. where compromise is a four-letter word and serious discussion mysteriously disappears amid the scuttled rubble of naïve politicians.

Right now the gulf between House Republicans and the Oval Office is so wide they can’t even see each other due to the curvature of the earth. The ice caps may be melting but only in direct inverse proportion to the polarization occurring in American politics.

Some folks question the very existence of the Obama Charm School. But it’s over in the same wing as the George W. Bush Think Tank. Just a couple doors down from the William Jefferson Clinton Marriage Counseling Service. One floor up from the Mitch McConnell Touchy Feely Workshop.

Paul Ryan lunched with the president last week, then immediately turned around and introduced a budget that calls for the repeal of Obamacare and replaces Medicare with vouchers. Again. Of course, Senate Democrats countered with their own budget that actually adds spending over 10 years. Both sides are stuck in a loop larger than the London Eye. Lessons learned from the 2012 election: None.

To say Republicans remain skeptical is like implying the surface of the sun is toasty. Or suggesting old white men have a slight edge in papal elections. Finding horsemeat in Swedish meatballs might entail avoiding furniture wholesalers when addressing nutritional needs.

Obama’s staff claims this offensive charm of his is not new, but part of a long-standing operation. Five Republicans even admitted to being invited to the White House to watch the movie “Lincoln,” but all declined. Of course, you know what they were thinking: “Black guy — Lincoln– it’s a trap!” If only he had screened “Life of Pi.” Everybody loves man-eating tigers. Especially Southern Republicans and Vegas magicians.

In the immortal words of Rodney King, can’t we all just get along? Obviously the answer is “No!” We don’t do olive branches. This is more about thorny rose stems.

The president doesn’t seem to get it either. You can buy them lunch, let ‘em sleep on your couch, wash their poo-poo undies in the sink, throw surprise birthday parties complete with pony rides and Bouncy Houses, co-sign a loan for their summer home on Chesapeake Bay, but in the end it don’t mean a thing if you ain’t got that swing. Vote, that is.

Doesn’t matter how much schmoozing goes down, unless you find a way to muzzle the home-district pit bulls on their right, you might as well blow those flirty kisses at a brick wall. Save the chocolates and flowers for Michelle. Could come in handy, especially after you break the news about moving to Vegas.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info on stand-up performances.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Some fancy-dancy public-policy think-tank just released a brand-new study that speculates the legion of aging baby boomers will permanently redefine retirement. Mainly because so few of us will be able to afford to retire. “Uh, lady, you want lids on these?” Fast-food break rooms equipped with CPR paddles. A forest of tennis ball-footed walkers leaning against the brooms and mops by the back door. Intra-generational minimum wage squabbles: “Hey you punks, get your greasy hot apple pie holes off my oxygen tank.”

Angel Boligan / El Universal, Mexico City (click to view more cartoons by Boligan)

One of the optimum ways our demographic bulge can beneficently alter old age is by changing what we call it. Getting rid of some of the odious appellations for senior citizenry would take a huge amount of the quease out of approaching antiquity. What we need is a calamari for the squid. Everybody loves extreme, how ’bout from now on we refer to the ever-encroaching condition as Extreme Maturity?

No sense belaboring the negative aspects of the path. We are all too cognizant of its passage being one way and ever darkening. Just as easy to focus on the upside. We are not old. We are vintage. Classic. Enduring. Established. Persistent. Time-tested. Seasoned. Steadfast. Stable. Durable. Reputable. Reliable. Rare. Repositories of uber experience. Acute ambulatory aggregates of accomplishment. And laughing in the face of it all, we adamantly continue to buy green bananas and timeshares.

Our motor skills may have declined through oxidation, and perhaps we’re not as quick to dodge trouble as we once were; but on the other hand, we’ve gained the hard-won ability to recognize trouble’s approach and can, most times, steer clear of it well in advance. And since we’re on a mini-roll here, what say we trot out a couple more examples of the BRIGHT SIDES OF EXTREME MATURITY.

Can always claim the batteries in your hearing aid are shorting out. Even when you’re not wearing a hearing aid.

Those creaks in your bones tend to keep you alert while driving.

You don’t really EVER expect anybody to tell you the actual truth anymore.

Much less peer pressure. And it diminishes every day.

On spy missions, those liver spots provide perfect cover to hide microdots.

Just saying “irritable bowel syndrome” annoys young people so much that they go away. With alacrity.

Who on earth wouldn’t want to have their living assisted?

Only need nine books in your library. Read them in order, alphabetically, then start over.

Pretty much any cane you wield can be set on “stun.”

Getting up to pee three times a night turns out to be a very effective means of home security.

Obamacare totally covers Alzheimer’s, dude.

Always at least one ear hair so long and thick you can cut cheese with it.

Still doing drugs, only now there’s a co-pay.

When properly positioned, chronic flatulence can be used as a booster rocket to rectify inertia.

Much easier to dress for funerals than for weddings. And they’re usually shorter, too.

The mantra “Don’t trust anybody over 30″ still applies and now includes your kids.

Obamacare totally covers Alzheimer’s, dude.

And finally, a last example of one of the Bright Sides of Extreme Maturity: in a pinch, those nipple rings can double as belt loops.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info on stand-up performances.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Q. Can you please explain what the heck is going on in Rome?

A. Well, Pope Benedict XVI retired, and now Catholic cardinals from around the world are congregating to elect a new pope.

Q. When was the last time a pope retired?

A. Thursday.

Pat Bagley / Salt Lake Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Bagley)

Q. No, before that.

A. July 4, 1415. Gregory XII stepped down to head off on a hot weekend with his brother-in-law’s sister’s seamstress’ pool boy in Sardinia.

Q. Seriously?

A. Rumor has it.

Q. Which makes Benedict the first man in 600 years able to say he used to be pope?

A. Don’t care who you are, that’s always got to be the cherry on top your resume.

Q. Does the former pope still get to call himself Benedict XVI?

A. Nope, he’s plain old Joseph Ratzinger again. But he’s always been Ratzy to his friends. He was bestowed a new title: Pontiff Emeritus. And still gets to kick off his red loafers in a Vatican villa.

Q. You think that might prove to be a bit embarrassing should the former Vicar of Christ ever decide to step out on a date?

A. Tell me about it. It’s one thing for your parents to hang around while you watch television, but a couple of thousand folks praying 24 hours a day? As romantic as a tornado watch in a trailer court.

Q. Still…?

A. Exactly. “Want to come back to my place?” takes on a whole new meaning. Could take some of the sting out of being fallible again.

Q. What does he do now? Write a book? A little consulting for some downtrodden cult?

A. Maybe, but knowing the Catholic Church, he probably had to sign at least a three year non-compete.

Q. How many popes have there been total?

A. The numbers get a little sketchy around the Dark Ages, but best estimates have the next pontiff being the 266th Bishop of Rome.

Q. Is it true the Catholic Church is fast-tracking the election process?

A. Yes, they’ve thrown themselves into a frenzy of hyperactivity. Which means accelerating all the way past erosion right up to snail’s pace. For instance they have yet to meet to decide when to convene.

Q. Who gets to vote for the new pope?

A. All cardinals under the age of 80 not currently under indictment are allowed to vote.

Q. Which leaves how many?

A. About 8, 9. No, actually, it’s around 115.

Q. How does this vote work?

A. For the first seven rounds, a 2/3rds majority is required, after that just 50 percent plus one. In the past, members of the College of Cardinals have been deadlocked for up to three years, which would make a great miniseries. NBC should jump on this.

Q. What’s the deal with the smoke?

A. After each vote, the ballots are burned. If no winner is picked, a chemical is added to make the smoke black. If there is a winner, no chemical added — smoke remains white. Green smoke is just some priest encouraging Romans to recycle.

Q. What kind of shot do Americans have?

A. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. Really, does it always have to be about us?

Q. I’ll ask the questions here. Any idea who will be elected?

A. Most likely a guy. Probably some cardinal. Brazil? Stay tuned.

—–

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info on stand-up performances.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Relax. It’s not necessarily the flu making you confused and feverish. Could be spatter from that big, thick, juicy, new, improved Civil War infecting the Republican Party. Yes, again. The Rebs inside the Reds are rebooting themselves for the umpteenth time over the past few election cycles. Have to assume these self-proclaimed frugal guys purchased their huge caches of defibrillators and CPR paddles in bulk. “CLEAR!”

Bob Englehart / Hartford Courant (click to view more cartoons by Englehart)

Change may emanate from the top, but in a blast from nearer the rump of the totem, Karl Rove announced the formation of a brand new Super PAC. It’s the first of what might be called the Super Duper PACs. And a mere foreshadow of the Holey Moley The Hell is That Super Duper PAC to be unveiled immediately following the midterms. Initial reports have the man known affectionately as Turd Blossom and Bush’s Brain calling his Frankenstein fund-raising monster the “Conservative Victory Party.”

Sounds like a natural response coming from the guy who famously threw an Election Night Hissy Fit on Fox News because Mitt Romney wasn’t being properly victorious enough. “Wait, wait, wait. No, I’m telling you, it’s not over. There’s a cul-de-sac in a suburb on the outskirts of Shaker Heights that hasn’t checked in yet. Hey, oww. Let go. My arm doesn’t bend that way.”

Rove plans to siphon big money from donors and use it to support moderates in primary elections so Republicans no longer have to enter the generals defending some bat guano-crazy candidate like Christine “I am Not a Witch” O’Donnell or Todd “Magic Fallopian Tube” Akin. Of course the Tea Party has taken great offense to this move, seeing it as incredibly counterproductive to the chances of their bat guano-crazy candidates.

So, you got those two blocs going at it. And with looming demographic flips in mind (Texas turning blue because rich white folks are not having enough babies while other folks are having plenty) there’s a move afoot to make the party more attractive to Hispanics. This undertaking has fallen into two camps: those arguing to temper policies opposing immigration reform and those favoring more cosmetic solutions like wearing sombreros.

Another rift surfaced when Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul insisted on giving a blood-thirsty unofficial response to the official State of the Union Response by the agua-thirsty Florida Sen. Marco Rubio. This, right after Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal gave a speech pleading for the GOP to stop being the “stupid party.” And the fact that he said it out loud was… well, stupid.

The GOP remains so obstinate and unwilling to give the White House even the tiniest of victories they filibustered a Cabinet appointment… from their own party. Causing Democrats, usually known for eating their own, to salivate like perched vultures watching a field of hyenas tear each other apart for the last antelope thigh.

The situation sort of resembles those old Cage Battles Royale put on by the World Wrestling Federation back in the early ’80s. Where 15 guys got into the ring with a chair, beat each other up and last one standing wins. Maybe that’s what the GOP needs: a Hulk Hogan to pummel everyone back into place. Although that said, Karl Rove has always seemed more like the Rowdy Roddy Piper type. “CLEAR!”

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info on stand-up performances.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

WHAT YOU NEED TO PLAY:

Four taxpayers of any sex: One rich white banker-type wearing a Suit. Cuff links would be nice. 1 person in a Blue work Shirt, another in a White shirt and one wearing Rags that in a former life might have been an integral part of a frantic escape through the sewers of Paris. At high tide.

The four group around a cocktail table directly in front of a television with newspapers laid on the table and floor.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

One shot glass per person. Everybody brings own and places on table. Suit gets first pick for use during game. White Shirt picks next, then Blue Shirt. Suit pockets last glass as well, and Rags either rents it, borrows a replacement from kitchen or drinks out of own cupped hands.

Twenty-buck ante for White & Blue Shirt. Suit throws in a quarter while Rags can write an IOU.

Fondue pot on table with two packages of Li’l Smokies stewing in Hawaiian barbecue sauce, surrounded by 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags wrapped around the top.

A large stash of canned beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff that can be found, like Old Milwaukee Ice Dry Light; Suit gets to drink whatever import he requests; Shirts get to pick favorite domestic, but are required to pay for beer, Li’l Smokies and accouterments.

RULES OF THE GAME:

1. Whenever Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship or working across the aisle, everybody drinks a shot of beer.

2. Everybody drinks two shots of beer if Speaker Boehner starts to cry. An entire can if he breaks down sobbing or disappears from view.

3. If Barack H. Obama ever says “Democratic leadership,” everybody must drink a whole beer then throw empty can at television. Anybody who hits Harry Reid is exempt from drinking three more shots of beer.

4. If he tells a folksy tale with a deeper meaning about not leaving before the job is done, the last person to throw their arms in the air, fall to their knees and shout “Hallelujah!” has to drink an entire beer.

5. Whenever president mentions liberty or freedom of the proud Afghani people, stand up, salute with your right hand and drink shot of beer with left. If he talks about the liberty or freedom of the American people, stand up, salute with left hand and drink shot of beer with right. First person to mess up has to drink two more shots.

6. If president says the State of the Union is good, but could be better, first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking one shot of beer and gets to pummel Suit with empty shot glass. No head shots.

7. If Obama mentions the word “drone” everybody immediately makes continuous droning noises. First person to run out of breath has to drink two shots of beer.

8. Every time Barack Obama mentions immigration, last person to eat two Li’l Smokies has to drink two shots of beer. Use toothpicks.

9. If Vice President Joe Biden is caught nodding off, last person to start singing “Wake Up, Little Susie” has to drink three shots of beer.

10. Whenever the president talks about his resolve and adopts a frowny look with his brow all furrowed and stuff, everybody throws Li’l Smokies at the television. The first person to hit Nancy Pelosi in the head is exempt from having to drink two shots of beer. Toothpick use optional.

11. If Barack tells heartfelt story of banker with heart of gold, Suit gets to kick everyone else once. Twice if subject is in the audience. If sitting next to a general, the number of times equal to the amount of stars.

EXTRAS:

Anybody who can identify person giving Republican Response doesn’t have to watch it.

Suit takes home cash, discarding the IOU.

Whoever comes closest to guessing number of Standing Os takes home leftover beer after Rags finishes cleaning up.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for info on stand-up performances, such as next week in Tahoe & Reno.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Hey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it’s imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you. Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking, and you’d be well-advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because it’s awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion. We’ve made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, with the Grammy Awards and Oscars right around the corner, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship: the 15th annual Will Durst Political Animal Awards.

Chris Weyant / The Hill (click to view more cartoons by Weyant)

THE BEST IMPRESSION OF REANIMATED HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN AWARD: And the winner is… oh, forgive me, that’s right, we’re all winners here. The award goes to Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell.

BEST DIRECTION OF A COMEDY: To Mitt Romney’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades.

THE HE SHOULD SWITCH TO DECAF AND REALLY SOON AWARD: Vice President Joe Biden.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE AWARD: Still picking shrapnel out of his widow’s peak, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.

THE CLOCK IS TICKING LOUD ENOUGH TO PIERCE EARDRUMS ON A COUPLE DIFFERENT CONTINENTS AWARD: Three-way tie! Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Bashar al-Assad.

THE YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN AWARD: To former Gov. Sarah Palin, Fox News’ gain is Alaska’s loss.

HEART OF A PLUCKED CHICKEN AWARD: To Nevada Sen. Harry Reid for avoiding the alteration of Senate filibuster rules given the opportunity.

THE IT’S BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD: For the second year in a row, POTUS Barack Obama.

THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD: It’s a tie: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Lindsay Lohan.

THE WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY RETURN MY CALLS ANYMORE AWARD: Karl Rove, and it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

THE YOU CAN KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN AWARD: Former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown.

THE TAKING SIBLING RIVALRY TO A BRAND NEW LEVEL AWARD: The Harbaugh boys.

THE H.G. WELLS DATING SERVICE AWARD: Manti Te’o.

THE HEAD IN THE SAND LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: The coveted Ostrich goes to executive vice president and CEO of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre.

THE BEAT A DEAD HORSE UNTIL WE’RE ALL COVERED IN A FINE RED MIST AWARD: Another tie: Sens. Lindsay Graham and John McCain who remain determined to get to the bottom of Chuck Hagel’s role in Benghazi.

THE GEORGE HAMILTON TANNING AWARD: For the fourth consecutive year, Speaker of the House John Boehner.

POP GOES THE WEASEL AWARD: Lance Armstrong.

THE SISYPHUS AWARD: Marco Rubio, who has been handed sole responsibility for dragging the entire Republican Party across the immigration reform line.

THE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES AWARD: Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for suggesting the GOP “stop being the stupid party.”

THE RIP VAN WINKLE AWARD: To Hillary Clinton for the well-deserved two-year nap she’s about to take.

And finally, THE CONTINENT OF ATLANTIS AWARD: For the fastest, most complete disappearance in political history, Mitt Romney. They must have powered him down, folded him up and placed him back into the original packaging.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Or go to willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Astronomers have a name for the phenomenon of an object appearing to be in different places, depending on the perspective from which it is viewed. It’s known as the parallax view, and could be seen on display for the 2nd Inauguration of the 44th President of the United States. Speaking of it, folks described events occurring on different planets. Some called it a disaster, some a triumph. Crime scene in a cave versus ascension on a mountain top. White knight to the rescue — Darth Vader choking off a windpipe.

Daryl Cagle / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

No one denies it was an auspicious ceremony, with Beyonce lip syncing and Michelle Obama resurrecting a 25-year-old haircut, but Barack H. Obama’s last Oval Office induction ceremony was totally defined according to which side of the aisle you watched it from. Seen through the blue lens was one thing but through the red lens, something semi-similar only inside out, upside down and backwards. With poopy on it.

For Democrats, the January weekend of celebration was even more momentous than the first time around. Proving indubitably that America is the land of opportunity, where hope never dies and lots of little money for campaign coffers never hurts either. And if you ever get the chance to give a bunch of old people rides to the polls on fleets of rented buses, go for it.

For Republicans it was a three-day salt in the wound reminder of wasted opportunity. Exactly how bad a candidate Mitt Romney actually was. Think of it; in a lousy economy the guy managed to lose to a black incumbent, whose middle name is Hussein. The incumbent, not the economy. Permanent bruise, right above the knee, where the fist automatically slams down. At least twice a day.

Nobody could deny the emotional depth precipitated by the occasion of oath-taking on the Capitol’s west side in front of freezing multitudes. So much so, that even John Boehner seemed moved to tears. Which, admittedly, isn’t all that unusual. And kind of creepily, they were orange tears. Who sheds tears of Tang?

And while the event itself may have been polarizing, it paled like the cover of Sue Grafton’s “A is for Alibi” in the front window of a west-facing bookstore in Equatorial Guinea — compared to the speech. The president waxed eloquent about a pursuit of progressive ideals; mentioning marriage equality, climate change and even slamming Paul Ryan’s claim that society is being ruined by the takers. So as you can imagine, right after the president was sworn in, he was sworn at.

Oh my. The hue and cry. He was called a socialist. A banana head. A foreign-born evildoer attempting to destroy the country. Unveiling a left-wing manifesto that finally reveals his true colors as a socialist usurper of all that is good and right and true and just. So… looks like, everything’s back to normal.

We the people, were given the impression that this time around the rebooted Obama 2.0 will be less likely to roll over on his back begging Mitch McConnell to rub his belly. After getting poked with a sharp stick for four years, this dog may have grown some teeth. But that’s where the parallax view kicks in again. Some see them as incisors and some vampire canines that enable him to suck the souls right out of our skulls.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Or go to willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

We may have witnessed a generational sea change the other night at the Golden Globe Awards. Talking about when creator, writer and breakthrough star of HBO’s “Girls,” Lena Dunham, teetered up to the stage on what appeared to be hockey skates sporting a minor array of tattoos leaking out of her ball gown in front of a world-wide audience. Fortunately her dress had been color designed to coordinate with copious amounts of blue ink.

Osmani Simanc / Brazil

And these weren’t discreet little ankle hearts or some Chinese character supposedly representing “peace” but not actually translating to “screw you round-eye” either. These were big, bold tats. Peek-a-boo with the emphasis on the boo. One looked to be a two-house homage to the children’s book heroine Eloise spanning the width of the actress’ back. And on her upper right arm — Ferdinand the Bull in his field of flowers. And those were just the visibles.

Now, my generation dabbled with tattoos but generally considered them the mark of sailors, rock stars, Maori tribesmen and Dennis Rodman. Hell, most baby boomers are loath to put stickers on their laptops. But every generation yearns to physically differentiate itself from their forebears, and long hair and baggy pants and ironically retro t-shirts were already taken. Thus, the kids use piercings and tats as their ticket to Hipster City. Which remains to this day a gated community.

And also why we find ourselves knee-deep in a tattoo boom. Tattoos in quantities and places previously unimagined. Wander into a club at night and you’ll swear you’re attending a carny convention. Complicated sleeves and full-body tats. Prodding carnies and cons to up the ante. Leading to a proliferation of neck and face tattoos. “Society is against me.” Dude, you got 666 tattooed on your forehead. You might be leading the charge.

Nor can we be sure youths are prepared for possible complications. Whenever permanently displaying an impromptu decision made in a questionable state of sobriety at the age of 18, problems inevitably arise. For instance, are they aware their extravagantly illustrated canvases have a tendency to deteriorate over time? Change shape? That cute little butterfly may someday grow up to be a pterodactyl. The unicorn prancing on a rainbow: a rhino entombed in a bog. And in 30 years, the houses on Lena’s back could very well be hit by a Salvador Dali melting bomb.

Also, not everyone is going to spend the rest of their life in jeans and a hoodie. So we got that to look forward to. On formal occasions through eternity we’ll be treated to three-color dragon heads rising out of the small of backs. Laughing skulls popping wheelies on motorcycles made out of marijuana smoke, bisected by satin straps. Mushroom-cloud cleavage. We’re already seeing grandmas with Whitesnake tattoos. It’s only going to get better.

And who can dismiss the eternal difficulty of memorializing a lover’s name. Would need two arm sleeves to catalogue half my former girlfriends. An entire forearm devoted to those with names starting with MAR… Marci, Mary & Marni. And that was all before college. Makes you wonder if Angelina Jolie’s first husband, Billy Bob Thornton, ever sees Brad Pitt and asks, “Hey buddy, how’s my name holding up?”

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Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for more info.

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Okay. Bent over. Hands on knees. Breathing hard. Whew. Made it. “Pant. Pant.” For a while there, didn’t seem like it’d ever happen, but somehow we mercifully staggered across the annum finish line, finally placing 2012 irrevocably in the rear-view mirror. Make no mistake, the political climate is still volatile. Rash. Mad. Loud. Pulsating forehead vein above arcing spray of spittle loud. And the double-crossing chicanery hasn’t mellowed a bit of a spot of an iota from the fever pitch of last year’s quadrennial heights.

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

But now we’re deep enough into the new year that a few of us have occasionally remembered to scribble “2013″ on our checks. Yeah, checks. Aren’t we the digital ones? Mostly zeroes. And as a public service we here at Durstco have offered to assist with a couple of resolutions that should have been made for this, the fourth year of the second decade of the 21st century. But probably weren’t.

Donald Trump commits himself, sometime during the coming year, against his better judgment, to somehow stumble onto the semblance of a clue.

Joe Biden takes an oath to learn how to laugh without frightening children.

Epitomizing the height of lowered expectations, the 113th Congress resolves to do more than the 112th Congress.

Rick Perry guarantees to someday be the president of some darn country even if he has to secede to do it.

President Obama pledges to outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all that doesn’t include raising the retirement age to 83.

Gen. David Petraeus vows to eat more meals at home. Alone. In the garage.

Chris Christie swears to do all he can to avoid snickering every time he runs into Mitt Romney.

Greece aspires to become much more like Portugal.

Hillary Clinton swears to do all she can to avoid snickering every time she runs into Joe Biden.

Stung by NFL violence, Nike vows to never again tie its star to overpaid athletes and considers featuring school teachers in its ads. Lasts about an hour.

Gov. Jerry Brown promises to focus less on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the run-down, long-term parking shuttle that is California.

Tim Pawlenty vows to utilize the latest strobe technology to at least give the appearance of movement.

Clint Eastwood vows to practice, practice, practice.

PBS determines not to do anything to rile Congress, and makes plans to transform itself into the 24-Hour Antiques Roadshow Network. Minus all that disreputable controversy.

The Airline Industry makes every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known to man: those pesky passengers.

The European Financial Crisis promises to fade into the wings.

The Asian Financial Crisis promises to take center stage.

John Boehner pledges to find a foundation color that reads less pumpkin and more summer squash.

Harry Reid makes a determined effort to focus more on the slightly wacky and less on the plumb crazy.

The Supreme Court steadfastly avers to put the fun back in dysfunctional.

Sheldon Adelson vows to spend the rest of his fortune on less risky bets than preposterous presidential candidates. He proceeds to blow it all on Nigerian lottery tickets.

Lindsay Lohan makes a concerted effort to get back to the thing she’s really good at. And equally determined to remember exactly what that is.

—–

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you. 

Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

And so we bid a not-so-fond farewell to the bow of another large unwieldy year as it sinks slowly over the horizon wobbling unsteadily towards the graveyard of memory. And cheers erupt from we folks on shore waving the double-handed “L for loser” sign above our heads. “So long. See ya. Don’t let the door slam you in the butt on the way out. And if you got any brothers or sisters, don’t give them this address.”

Daryl Cagle / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

Normally there’s some small sense of nostalgia for a departing annum. An iota of regret for the calendar discarded. Not this one. Getting through the past 12 months was like navigating a Black Diamond ski run in roller skates with the wheels rusted shut. While wearing a crib. It was an oil-soaked pelican of years. The Year of Living Stupidly. Had the same connection to constructive change that Vladimir Putin has to the editorial board of Crochet Monthly. The Chinese need a new Zodiac sign: Year of the Flatulent Weasel.

But in the interest of keeping this particular piece of puffery positive it might be best if we confine our remarks to reflecting on the good that emerged from 2012.

Okay. Well, that was quick. Wait — got one: at least the presidential election is over. Of course, people are already running for 2016, so we got that to look forward to. Which is real similar to looking forward to having five-year twins playing in the back seat of a cross-country drive with a new set of drums and an unlimited supply of metallic sticks. And tambourines. Tons of tambourines. For four years.

You’d think even your average run-of-the-mill politician would possess the simple common human decency to wait till the current president was re-inaugurated, but nooo. These early birds are intent on stockpiling worms. You know what they say: Early money is like yeast. And very early money is like baking soda. And extremely early money is an egg wash brushed delicately across a pan full of hot cross buns.

When you think about it, the only thing that really went right with 2012 was we misread the Mayan Calendar. Everything else is either worse than we found it or the same. Middle East a mess? Check. Crazy people with guns? Check. Weather getting weird? Check. Congress unable to accomplish any sort of worthwhile task, including differentiating between their gluteus maximus and yellow paint? Double check.

Face it. These days, simple survival has become the goal. Continuing existence is the new victory dance. And then for a half a second you ruminate on how good we got it here. What kind of state the rest of the world is in. And most of our problems just kind of fade away, don’t they?

Sure, with great potential comes great responsibility. But it’s an exciting time. Fifteen years ago, the only people with GPS units were NASA. Now we got them in our cars and phones. We’re also in the middle of a cheeseburger renaissance and pretty good coffee is available almost everywhere. Not half bad perks. So, what do you say? Shall we give another a year a shot? But just 365 this time around. Don’t know about you but that extra day this year kicked my butt.

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Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you.

And don’t forget the 20th Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show. Through Jan. 1. 6 comics. 2,000 laughs. Details at willdurst.com or facebook.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

It’s only human nature to want to take action after such a harrowing traumatic event. To do something. Anything, to protect our kids. And make sure that Newtown never ever happens again. Here. There. Anywhere.

Jeff Parker / Florida Today (click to view more cartoons by Parker)

But while the rest of the nation grieves, familiar opponents on The Gun Issue are focused more on making sure their groups’ messages don’t get trampled in the anticipated tsunami of sorrow. So they preemptively are trying to drown out each other with battalions of bellicose bullhorns, and it doesn’t matter they can’t hear each other because neither side is listening anyway.

That’s the crossroads at which we find ourselves. Again. The intersection of Guns, Guns and Guns. Too many. Too few. Too big. Too small. Too scary looking. Waiting periods. Background checks. Magazine sizes. Access. Transportation. Construction. Registration. Who decides and who abides.

All the old buzz phrases are dusted off. “When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” “Increased gun control means aiming better.” “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Actually, it’s those darn bullets that puncture the skin and bones, creating holes for the blood to leak out of way too fast.

The NRA is busy pumping out press releases arguing that if the teachers had been armed, this tragedy could have been averted. Yeah, there you go. That’s what we need. MORE guns in schools. The major problem with school shootings, are schools. There’s your answer, boys. Want to cut down on school shootings, get rid of the schools. A solution many states are busy implementing as we speak.

Besides, why just arm the teachers? Aren’t we forgetting about our kids? Surely they have the right to defend themselves. The only question is where do you draw the line? Middle school? Fourth grade? Does the Second Amendment guarantee the rights of Toting Toddlers? Should kid-proof trigger guards be illegal? Maybe get Fisher Price to equip classrooms with plastic Day-Glo under-desk holsters.

The left is also once again questioning whether military-type assault weapons have a place in today’s society. To which the right vehemently argues semantics. “Semi- automatic rifles aren’t assault weapons and the left obviously has no experience with guns or they wouldn’t mislabel them and their ignorance on the subject disqualifies them to comment or have any opinion whatsoever.” Known in gun control circles as the “neener neener” argument.

An argument that totally misses the point. Doesn’t matter what you call them. Semi-automatic rifles. Military-type horizontal handheld ordnance. Futuristic flintlocks. Agitation resolvers. Magic wands. Disputatious caramelized pump-action fruit rolls. Stick a feather in their muzzle and call them macaroni if you want.

The basic problem is, the only reason to own a macaroni that can fire hundreds of pieces of lead faster than the speed of sound in mere seconds is to kill PEOPLE. Yes, of course they can be used as legitimate hunting rifles. You can also use a flame thrower to light a cigarette. If you think about it, a hand grenade will signal the end of recess. Need to cut some butter, just pull out the trusty old chainsaw. Of course, be prepared for it to get a little messy around Muffin Time. And right now, we’re smack in the middle of an especially messy Muffin Time.

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Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you.

And don’t forget the 20th Annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Dec. 26-Jan. 1. 6 comics. 7 cities. 8 shows. 2000 laughs. Details at willdurst.com or facebook. 20th Annual!

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Holey moley catfish. Well, thank god that’s finally over. Further thanks that the climax was quick and clean. Almost surgical. Not as long a night as many first thought it might be. Except for Karl Rove that is, who for all we know is still scribbling numbers to prove the call on Clinton’s re-election win in 1996 was premature. And as usual, Florida did all it could to gum things up, but was eventually rendered irrelevant. And long may it remain so.

Dave Granlund / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Granlund)

In the end, President Barack Obama trounced, er, battered, um, eked-out a victory — or to be more precise, Mitt Romney lost. Or shall we say, found a thousand ways to lose. Except for one brief, shining moment in the first debate, virtually carrying with him a defeat diviner.

And each and every one of his failures can be traced directly to females. The distaff of life. Single women. Married women. Old women. Young women. Ladies and divas and flappers and baby mamas; duchesses, priestesses, shorties and floozies. So here they are, the top ten females who cost Mitt Romney the presidency, each of them representing one of the myriad factors that helped construct the unelectable mosaic that became Bain’s Captain of Industry:

Michele Bachmann. Mitt had to draft on her right wing to win the primary battle, and when he tried to tack back to the center appeared not to be the Washington Outsider he claimed, but a typical politician with the core values of a hollowed-out chocolate Easter Bunny. With really good hair.

Newly elected U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Warren from Massachusetts. A state the former governor lost by 23 points. Proof positive the man arouses the enduring passion of a broken garden rake.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who took foreign policy off the table, making the entire election about the economy which kept getting better, gol darn it. And who can forget her husband. He certainly won’t let us.

Sandra Fluke, who gave a face to the GOP’s Paleolithic Bronze Age attitudes towards women, further exacerbated by the fact that no man in the party could seemingly shut up about it.

Michelle Obama, who is just darn likable. As is her husband. A stark contrast to Romney’s cyborg demeanor and obvious discomfort around members of the human species.

Superstorm Sandy, for providing the opportunity for the president to look presidential and for Obama and Chris Christie to French kiss on Atlantic City’s Boardwalk ,crystalizing the concept that bipartisanship is not the saddest word. That’s “goodbye.”

Ann Romney, who would have made a simply terrific first lady. For Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Candy Crowley, who single-handedly halted Romney’s momentum in the second debate by speaking way above her pay grade. Don’t you hate it when the help speaks out of turn?

All the Wal-Mart Moms, who never really understood that whole Cayman Islands bank account thing marking him not as the poster child for the 1 percent, but as the poster child for the .0001 percent of the 1 percent.

And the last female responsible for Romney’s loss; Rafalca the 15-year old mare who, while wearing the Romney silks in Olympic Dressage, failed to make the medal round and was probably shipped home strapped to the fuselage of a 747. Seriously, Mitt. Dressage?

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Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you.

And don’t forget this Saturday night, Nov. 10. Silo’s in Napa, Calif. 8:30 p.m. PST. silosnapa.com

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Looking for the dead-solid skinny on the upcoming presidential election? You’ve come to the right place. As a public service, we’re going to tell you right here and now who wins this thing, and why.

Mitt Romney will win because of Hurricane Sandy.

Barack Obama will win because of Hurricane Sandy.

Daryl Cagle / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

Obama will win because his name isn’t Willard.

Romney will win because his name isn’t Hussein.

Romney will win because the economy sucks.

Obama will win because the economy doesn’t suck as bad as it did.

Obama will win because he’s credible.

Romney will win because he’s confident.

Romney will win because he has the momentum.

Obama will win because it’s fauxmentum.

Obama will win because he never strapped a dog to the roof of his car.

Romney will win because he never ate a dog.

Romney will win because he wasn’t born in Kenya.

Obama will win because he wasn’t born in Kenya.

Obama will win because he’s taller.

Romney will win because he smiles more.

Romney will win because NASCAR Dads want to be in charge again.

Obama will win because Wal-Mart Moms need to call Planned Parenthood.

Obama will win because he knows the people.

Romney will win because he knows the business.

Romney will win because Obama will run out of money.

Obama will win because Romney’s batteries will run down.

Obama will win by perfecting his ground game.

Romney will win by carpet-bombing the airwaves.

Romney will win because we all want to be rich.

Obama will win because we all believe we’re smooth.

Obama will win because of Paul Ryan.

Romney will win because of Joe Biden.

Romney will win because of all the right people.

Obama will win because of all the other people.

Obama will win because he isn’t Romney.

Romney will win because he isn’t Obama.

Romney will win because dark forces will gather behind him.

Obama will win because the Force will be with him. Always.

Obama will win because Michelle and the girls will make it happen.

Romney will win because Ann and the boys won’t let him lose.

Romney will win because he is a Latter Day Saint.

Obama will win because he wears a halo.

Obama will win because he’s not Mormon.

Romney will win because he’s not black.

Romney will win because his GOP compatriots will do whatever it takes.

Obama will win because his Democratic compatriots will stop beating each other up.

Obama will win because he makes us feel compassionate.

Romney will win because he makes us feel affluent.

Romney will win because people with money can count on him.

Obama will win because people without money can count on him.

Obama will win because his Super PACs will pummel Romney in swing states.

Romney will win because his Super PACs will slam Obama in swing states.

Romney will win because of Obamacare.

Obama will win because of Romneycare.

Obama will win because he’ll eke out Ohio.

Romney will win because he’ll slip by in Florida.

Romney will win because he’ll get more popular votes.

Obama will win because he’ll get more electoral votes.

So there you have it. The winner and the next president of the United States will be… one of those two guys. Probably.

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Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Got to relish the sidesplitting spectacle of millions of Democrats wiping their collective brows after watching the second presidential debate through splayed fingers covering their eyes. MSNBC’s Chris Matthews was so euphorically relieved he nearly broke down and cried. Although, truth be told, he probably cries during Coke Commercials. Especially the cute ones with the polar bears.

Adam Zyglis / Buffalo News (click to view more cartoons by Zyglis)

It became immediately apparent, this time around, President Obama spent the time at debate camp doing more than practicing lanyard weaving. Aides report he devoted three days to prepare for the Hofstra University showdown, as opposed to the couple hours he took off last time. Of course that doesn’t include the 90 minutes of the first debate.

Nobody cares how he did it; the main thing is; Obama got his mojo back. He remojoed. The Major Mojo Mofo no longer runs in Slo-Mo. He was focused, energized and seemed determined to not let the challenger go all Joe Frasier on his butt again.

GOP candidate Mitt Romney stuck to the game plan that worked so well in Denver. Float like a butterfly, sting like a jelly fish. A style he surely perfected storming the sidewalks of Paris’ 16th Arrondissement during his missionary days. Shoot first, evade questions later. Although, in retrospect he just may have drunk too deeply from Joe Biden’s bottomless flask of Red Bull.

He blustered and filibustered and at times seemed almost flustered. Demonstrating the same respect a busy boss might show in the presence of underlings, cautioning the president to “Hold on, I’m talking.” And pushing Jim Lehrer around is one thing, but bullying Candy Crowley, quite another. Mind the gender gap.

Perhaps Romney’s people forgot to update his operating system because America’s prospective CEO also committed some unforced errors. First the binder blunder, where he awkwardly dodged a question about equal pay for women to segue into a story about “binders full of women.” Pretty sure we can trust Bill Clinton to get to the bottom of this. Then again, maybe it’s some sort of super-secret magic Mormon thing.

The biggest snare was the Benghazi tiger trap, where Romney accused the president of not calling the death of our Libyan ambassador a terrorist attack. He should have sensed something was up when the president sweetly encouraged him to “Please proceed, Governor,” but nonetheless walked right onto the straw covering the staked hole.

Candy Crowley, who was in the Rose Garden for the very press conference in question, confirmed Obama’s words. “No, no, he said it.” Romney got so upset, the Secret Service might be wise to move to Defcon 4 for the final mano-a-mano at Lynn University in Boca Raton, which could escalate from more mere malarkey to full body contact.

The Right became positively unglued calling Ms. Crowley a communist, a terrorist and an assassin. Suffice it to say that if Romney wins, she will be encouraged to accompany Big Bird job hunting. The rich and the righteous are never happy when the “help” talks out of turn.

The irony is, Romney’s self-inflicted wound stemmed from a flagrant violation of the rules agreed to by both candidates not to ask each other direct questions. But that’s something we’ve seen time and time again from the 1%. The rules don’t apply to them. The only rule they adhere to is the Golden Rule: he who has the gold makes the rules. Buy this.

—–

Get five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book on the 2012 campaign: “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink. Available at Redroom.com or Amazon.

Also his hit one-man show “Elect to Laugh!” every Tuesday at the Marsh. San Francisco. 8 p.m. Only 3, Three, 3 shows left. themarsh.org.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Needed three towels to wipe down my living room after the vice presidential wrestling match, er, debate the other day. The sweat flung off both the bottom names of the campaign bumper stickers was so thick on the Centre College stage, it shot right through television screens onto viewers at home.

Adam Zyglis / Buffalo News (click to view more cartoons by Zyglis)

In this highly anticipated undercard bout, Joe Biden and Paul Ryan took off the gloves, put on their red, white and blue Lucha Libre masks and went at each other hammer and tongs for 90 minutes with straight policy jabs and sweeping rhetorical hooks. Most of which whiffed, but it’s the thought that counts.

No knockdowns were recorded in this no-holds-barred event, but the majority of ringside judges gave the decision to Biden on points, mainly for stopping his base’s bleeding and blocking his opponent’s momentum. And doing it all without suffering a stroke on national TV. Although, it was close.

Kudos were also tossed Martha Raddatz’s way, who refereed the event with a command and aplomb that had veteran observers refer to her as the anti-Jim Lehrer. She actually seemed to listen to the responses and called candidates out when they tried to weasel away. A recurring theme.

Paul Ryan’s intensive training regimen paid off, and he punched and counter punched all evening while smiling so hard you could almost hear the enamel cracking inside his mouth. The duplicitous platform he was forced to defend seemed to suck all the moisture out of his body as he kept downing glass after glass of water, which fortunately was replenished regularly, or the GOP budget guru might have spontaneously combusted. And who wants to die in Kentucky?

Meanwhile Joe Biden showed great restraint in checking his normal penchant for dismantling the shared desk and chewing it into pieces. Like an aging Chihuahua let outside after a long weekend locked in the basement, he yapped and barked and laughed maniacally, frequently exposing expensive dental work to all and frightening many children in the audience.

Seemed like the former senator from Delaware had downed a couple quart containers of caffeinated Ensure. Then again after viewing the results, the White House might want to insure a case of Ensure is ready for President Obama next Tuesday at Hofstra University in New York.

Both Catholic combatants, the 69-year-old vice president and the 42 year old Wisconsin Congressman, waltzed delicately around the ring of malarkey when the question of abortion was raised, and a no-smirking zone was briefly established on both sides. And finally, not a single word about Big Bird. Obviously these two pugilists don’t have their finger on the pulse of the American people.

On the style-versus-substance front, the GOP accused the vice president of being loud, overbearing and rude. The very same qualities they called bold and commanding when Romney wore them last week. Hey, you guys: make up your mind. Pot-kettle-black much?

The Democratic ticket needs a visa to get out of Goldilocks Land: one half too cold — the other, too hot. But this reeking heap of steaming veep meet between pseudo-friends was entertaining, if not informative, and we could easily sell a rematch on pay-per-view, but only if the two fighters promise not to wear spandex. Maybe in 2016?

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst has just released a new e-book on the 2012 campaign: “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink. Available at Redroom.com or Amazon.

Also his hit one-man show, “Elect to Laugh!” every Tuesday at the Marsh. San Francisco. 8pm. Only 4, Four, 4 shows left. Themarsh.org.

—–

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

A surprisingly large segment of America tuned into the first presidential debate, but for some odd reason, President Obama did not appear among them. Who was in charge of his debate prep, Clint Eastwood? Even an empty chair would have provided a sturdier obstinacy.

The Committee to Re- Elect the President will obviously try to convince us that, like the economy, the commander in chief’s sub-par debate performance can be traced back to the Bush administration, but darker forces may be at work here. The Ghosts of Debaters Past.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

We learned Mitt Romney wants to kill Big Bird, but that was about it as far as fireworks go. No word on the Cookie Monster. But it doesn’t look good. Mr. Romney always seemed more of a Masterpiece Theatre sort of guy anyway.

Perhaps the president was suffering from altitude poisoning, or distracted by missing his 20th wedding anniversary, or maybe the duties of Leader of the Free World are more exhausting than one thinks, because he fumbled and rambled, and gave the overall impression he was told the winner would be determined by time of possession.

And what was so interesting on the podium that compelled him to keep looking down at it? Was he taking one last longing look at his iPad with the pretty embossed presidential seal or focused on a particularly frustrating sequence in Angry Birds?

With an aggressive energy reminiscent of a well-groomed rescue Terrier, the Republican challenger immediately charged into the Oval ringship, steamrolling both the president and the moderator. He didn’t just dominate the debate, he twisted it into a logical Mobius strip.

Contradicting almost every one of his previously stated core beliefs, the former Governor of Massachusetts claimed to have no plan for tax cuts, said good things about portions of Obamacare, and demonstrated concern over the bailout of big banks. Don’t know whom it was that blitzed onstage in Denver, but that guy could have done pretty well in Democratic primaries.

In the 38 minutes Romney spoke, he put on a verbal gymnastics exhibition worthy of an Olympics final. Obscuring. Dissembling. Whitewashing. Changing positions. Twisting facts. Denying assertions. Just making stuff up. Doubling down on his own personal Etch A Sketch. Candidate Gumby. Only less green. Marginally. Let the bendy shaking begin. Next thing you know he’ll deny his 47 percent statement. What? Already? Wow.

One possible excuse for Obama’s shocking passivity is he was stunned by the audacity of Romney’s mendacity. There were traces of “I can’t believe he just said that in front of people” smirks. It seemed all he could to keep from falling into the much-warned eye-rolling Al Gore Sigh Trap.

Maybe watching Obama sleepwalking was responsible for time slowing down, but the debate went on forever. At least way past Jim Lehrer’s bedtime, who morphed from deferential to obsequious to invisible. Made the NFL replacement refs look effective.

There’s plenty of time for both sides to retool messages for the next two confrontations. The White House can be expected to encourage the president to more energetically nail Romney to his own words. And despite renewed confidence, Romney will surely run intensive rehearsals to practice a different listening face that doesn’t reflect an annoyed patience, slight smugness and just a disconcerting pinch of Sling Blade.

—–

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst has just released a new e-book on the 2012 campaign: “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink. Available at Redroom.com or Amazon. 

Also his hit one-man show, “Elect to Laugh!” every Tuesday at the Marsh. San Francisco. 8pm. Themarsh.org. Only 5, Five, 5 shows left. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

When the end draws near and prospects darken, and polls solidify in the wrong direction, and the base sinks lower than the toenail clippings of a Galapagos turtle, does the practiced political operative give up? No sir, they whip out their secret weapon. Not the candidate’s spouse. The real ace up the sleeve — The October Surprise.

Chris Weyant / The Hill (click to view more cartoons by Weyant)

Every campaign has one. Or more. It’s a piece of opposition research stashed away for a rainy day. For safe-keeping, behind glass, like a fire axe: “Open in the event of impending doom.” Something so incendiary it’s concealed in an asbestos-lined box buried deep in the back of the campaign manager’s underwear drawer.

A last-minute revelation guaranteed to rip the skin off the opponent’s slick exterior and expose him or her to be the morally bereft, fire-breathing extremist everyone was secretly afraid they were. Then again, it could be a tax cut or lavish promise or a grandstanding, self-inflating shot of adrenaline. “You never suspected I was this good, did you?”

Even front-runners need to be prepared. After all, one good October Surprise deserves another. “They pull a knife. You pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago Way. And that’s how you get Romney.”

The October Surprise is the joker in the American electoral deck of cards. Dealt under the table and below the belt. After minds have been made up and money spent, a well-played OS can turn a game around quicker than three crews of NFL replacement refs. Here’s a sample of the sort of shenanigans we can expect in the coming month.

OCTOBER 8: 

Barack Obama announces a deal with Jamba Juice to place coupons for free fruit smoothies on the backs of all 1040 forms.

OCTOBER 11:

Immediately after vice presidential debate, Joe Biden disappears for rest of campaign. Nobody, including family and personal staff, notices. The police don’t suspect foul play. Then again, they don’t rule it out either.

OCTOBER 13: 

Mitt Romney vows, if elected, to write a $250 personal check to every man, woman and child in America. Fox News calls this a game changer.

OCTOBER 15: 

Donald Trump unveils a cave painting in Provence, France that portrays a figure that looks eerily like Barack Obama descending from what appears to be a space ship.

OCTOBER 18: 

On way to a rally in Langley, Va., Barack Obama stops motorcade to run into burning building, saving 3-year-old twins.

OCTOBER 19: 

Inspired by Larry Ellison’s purchase of the Hawaiian Island of Lanai, the Koch brothers offer $200 billion for Ohio. As is.

OCTOBER 21:

On the way to church, Romney personally beats off masked bullies who are attempting to impale a litter of puppies with nail guns. Shar Pei puppies. The cutest kind.

OCTOBER 24: 

Blurry YouTube video surfaces showing Barack Obama chain smoking cigarettes in the loading bay of a Toledo convention center before a fund raiser.

OCTOBER 28: 

The State Comptroller of Ohio announces the Koch brothers sale cannot go through due to the fact that George Soros has already acquired 60 percent of the state.

OCTOBER 30:

The LA Times releases grainy time-lapse photographic evidence of Mitt Romney at a Portsmouth, N.H. coffee shop downing three triple espressos.

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst has just released a new e-book on the 2012 campaign: “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink. Available at Redroom.com or Amazon. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

It’s time to start worrying about Mitt Romney. Seriously. The guy may just be running the worst campaign ever. And yes, that includes the McDLT, print ads for organic hemp underwear and France in ’39. Not to mention McCain/Palin in ’08. Which currently holds the gold standard for lousy campaigns. Sure to be a Hall of Fame inductee in a couple years.

Willard has taken bad to a whole new level. Bad like a dumpster behind a fish market during a garbage strike bad. Bad like a three-dollar Dark Knight Rises DVD bought off a Times Square cardboard table with Albanian subtitles bad. Bad like Todd Akin at a NARAL benefit bad. Bad doubled down. Beyond breaking bad to the point of broken bad.

Adam Zyglis / Buffalo News (click to view more cartoons by Zyglis)

And every time the former Governor of Massachusetts opens his mouth, it gets worse. He’s tone deaf, tongue tied, logically challenged and as approachable as a near-sighted porcupine in heat. The Anti Ray Romano — Nobody Loves Mitt.

So uncomfortable around real people, you can practically hear him whisper “icky, icky, icky,” under his breath while shaking hands at rallies. You know there’s an aide with a bottle of hand sanitizer waiting for him on the bus. Maybe even a 55-gallon drum connected to a shower head.

Got caught on a secret video calling 47 percent of those real people moochers and malingerers. Shirking, entitled victims dependent on the government for food. Food. Mmmm. That’s us. Just can’t get enough of that government cheese. You know what this country needs? A good five-cent government cracker.

The impression is that, 1: he was pandering to his rich donor buddies or, 2: the poster child for the 1 percent really believes what he said. Either way — awkward! And that massive pounding sound you hear is a herd of stampeding elephants running away from what they fear might be contagious.

Said he wouldn’t concern himself with that 47 percent, which depresses his most ardent supporters, because “Hell, that’s more than half!” One major problem with insulting 47 percent of the American public is that at least 58 percent of them worry that you think they’re part of that 47 percent, and you know 112 percent of America believes that. They do. Bet you $10,000.

The video’s release obscured the Romney campaign’s much-ballyhooed new design to sharpen its message. Would have been interesting to see how many truckloads of flint they were going to use to try and put an edge on that much smoke. Honing fog.

His own staffer warned us. The Etch-a-Sketch has been turned upside down. Prepare to be shaken. Problem is, you keep rebooting something as stiff as Mitt and it starts short-circuiting all over the place. Romney 8.0. Better than Romney 7.0. Now with Desperation.

Maybe it’s the extra-large silver spoon in his mouth that keeps him from seeing the view from the middle class. Can’t understand why they don’t pull themselves up by the bootstraps like he did when his daddy loaned him his first million.

With the debates still to come, there’s time to turn this race around. But this far in, it’s like turning the Titanic. After hitting the iceberg. And the helm is underwater. Face it, if Bain Capital were running Mitt’s campaign right now, they’d close it down, fire him and hire some Chinese guy to do it better and cheaper.

—–

Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst has a new e-book: “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink. Available at redroom.com or amazon. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Let’s speak about The Bounce, shall we? The Bounce being the jump that a three-day, red-white-and-blue infomercial is expected to produce on a candidate’s polling. The idea is to use The Bounce as a slingshot of momentum to whip you down the campaign straightaway directly into the swivel seat behind the desk of the Oval Office. Or close enough to let the Supreme Court appoint you. One or the other.

Chris Weyant / The Hill (click to view more cartoons by Weyant)

What usually happens, after both conventions have drop-kicked their last balloon, is an equilibrium is struck. One side goes up four to six points, then the other side goes up four to six points and you’re pretty much back to where you started. The Bounce evens out. Not very exciting. Like sugar-free cookies. Or kissing Andrea Mitchell. Knocking back a shot of non-alcoholic wine. Otherwise known as grape juice.

This time around, the net result of two weeks in the Southeast in the dead of summer is President Barack Obama got a cumulative bump of between 3 and 5 points. Hard to say which event was more responsible for his ascension: his own Democratic National Convention, the Republican National Convention or Hurricane Akin.

Gov. Mitt Romney got the same kind of Bounce you’d expect from an anvil dropped onto a swamp. Even his own staff called it “not large.” Yeah. Not large being a euphemism for non-existent. It was not large in the same way that August in Charlotte does not feature a cluster of destination luge runs. Similar to how Kim Kardashian is not a Nobel Prize-winning nuclear physicist. Banana fritters aren’t magnetic. An echoing abyss of whistling emptiness.

Some polls actually suggested the GOP ticket received less than Zero Bounce from their convention. Less than zero. On the wrong side of the ledger. Red ink. A negative Bounce; which could be referred to as a Plunge. Might need to christen a new buzzword: the Convention Dip. But that would involve stripping Chris Christie of his own personal Tampa catalogue description.

When a campaign finds itself Sans Bounce, it’s important to replace it with The Spin. As Republicans are feverishly attempting this year. Spinning like an aging hippie in a peasant dress dead stage left at a Grateful Dead tribute-band concert. Twirling left. Spinning right. Spinning righter. Pay no attention to that man behind the fact-checking curtain.

The Spin should be fluid and flexible and is not required to be rooted in the real world. Its only purpose is to distract. “The Not So Large of a Bounce was due to Mr. Romney having already consolidated his base.” “The Governor doesn’t really need a Bounce because of the spring in his step.” “All The Bounce this candidate needs can be found in his hair.”

Not only do the Bounceless have to convince supporters and the base and most especially prospective donors that the candidate still has a shot, it is incumbent to also soft pedal and ridicule the other guy’s visible Bounce. Phantom bounce.

Romney’s pollster Neil Newhouse called the Obama Bounce “a sugar high.” That may be so, but you got to remember, in tough times like these, a lot of we normal Americans got ourselves a heavy hankering for anything sweet. Even one of those sugar-free cookies.

—–

The New York Times says five-time Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out redroom.com — or Amazon, if you must — to order his new e-book: “Elect to Laugh!” And willdurst.com to find out about stand-up performances, such as: every Tuesday, also called “Elect to Laugh!” @ The Marsh, San Francisco. themarsh.org. Only eight. EIGHT! 8 shows to go. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

And now a few words on the Democratic National Convention, which was ALSO interrupted by bad weather, and from this we can deduce that God is not overly fond of politicians. Proving that he/she indeed has something in common with a majority of the American public. We are special.

David Fitzsimmons / Arizona Daily Star (click to view more cartoons by Fitzsimmons)

The Dems opened their quadrennial confab headlining Michelle Obama, and the president’s wife loud wowed the crowd. Authentic and classy and inspiring, people immediately started examining the 25th Amendment for loopholes that would allow the First Lady to jump to the top of the line of succession. At least leapfrog Boehner. If not Biden.

The next day, Elvis re-entered the building. The Obama folks buried their ’08 bones of resentment in yesterday’s backyard to let the Big Dog off-leash, and the whole house howled at the moon. For 48 minutes, Bill Clinton barked it out old-school. Some naysayers scoff the only reason he was in North Carolina was confusion over whether Charlotte was host city or a dinner date set up by Eharmony.com.

No matter the motive compelling the 44nd POTUS to attend, it became obvious from the get-go that whatever it was that Hillary’s husband at one time had, he’s still got it. In spades.

While thunder rumbled just outside the Time Warner Cable Arena the real electricity was on the inside. Single-handedly he systematically laid out the most persuasive argument yet to re-elect President Bill Clinton… er, unh, Barack Obama.

Delegates swooned. MSNBC collectively spilled coffee on their laps wetting themselves. Even Michelle couldn’t hide a secret grin. Wouldn’t be surprised to find out Ann Romney had one too. Perhaps even he with the lean and hungry look, Paul Ryan.

And when you think about it, wasn’t really fair. Trotting out a former president to rally the troops. After all, Republicans don’t really have a former president to… oh wait. Yeah they do. Never mind. On a side note, Clinton said more nice things about George Dubyah than were heard from the entire GOP convention. Two.

After smashing his guitar on the floor of the podium you could almost hear the Man from Hope whisper to Mister Hope and Change as the two embraced, “Follow that Mofo.” And on the closing night he did, proceeding to give the third- or fourth-best speech of the convention.

While Tampa may have been bereft of Bushes, Charlotte curiously featured a distinct lack of former Democratic vice-presidential candidates. Not a Gore or a Lieberman or a home-state Edwards to be seen. Ain’t life odd.

On the final night, Edwards’ ticket mate, John Kerry, gave a rousing speech that had delegates wondering where this funny, self-deprecating guy was hiding in 2004. Jennifer Granholm assumed Ann Richards’ mantle getting in the best lines of the week; “Romney loves our cars so much they have their own elevator.”

Finally Joe Biden teared up, and Barack Obama tore it up. Not soaring to the golden-throated suburb that is Bubba Heights, but dignified, hopeful and focused. Dare we say, presidential.

Spending two weeks watching the best our political parties have to offer, it’s apparent the Democrats have a deep bench, while the Republicans seem to focus on an empty chair and two empty suits. But to be fair, they’re very nice suits. And they have balloons.

—–

The New York Times says five-time Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out the website: redroom.com to pre-order his soon-to-be-released book, “Elect to Laugh!” Go to willdurst.com to find out about stand up performances, such as: every Tuesday, also called Elect to Laugh! @ The Marsh, San Francisco. themarsh.org. Only nine. NINE! 9 shows to go. And this Tuesday we’re taping.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

And now a few words about the Republican National Convention. AKA: Women with Big Hair and the Men in White Shoes Who Love Them. And white certainly was the operative word in Tampa. Mashed potatoes on paper plates with a side of leeks white.

Joe Heller / Green Bay Press-Gazette (click to view more cartoons by Heller)

Had to feel bad for the one black guy the networks kept cutting to during the speeches. They tried everything to make him look like a crowd. Different camera angles. Probably had his own wardrobe assistant. “Now put on the cowboy hat. Okay. Okay. Let’s try a handlebar mustache.” Must have been someone’s driver.

The first day of this GOP quadrennial confab got canceled for the second consecutive conference due to a hurricane bearing down on the city of New Orleans. The only two tropical storms to threaten the Crescent City since Katrina. Hey, guys, want some crow sprinkles on that karma cone?

But any worry about the optics of unrestrained celebration while parts of the country drowned faded fairly quickly. “Oh, quit your belly aching. At least your pesky drought is over.” And with that, the convention shifted into stealth mode.

The festive conservatives were so successful at concealing their core convictions, that at times it was difficult to discern which party was nominating whom. “We’re saving Medicare.” “The Party of Diversity.” “Our Platform May Say No Abortions, No Exceptions, But We Haven’t Even Read It.” “Dubyah Who?” “Mitt What?”

The only speaker to mention Mitt’s name out loud on purpose was Ann Romney in a gracious and endearing turn. Facing the tall task of climbing the plateau of humanizing her spousal cyborg, this mother of five boys constructed an entire flight of stairs by herself. But with a husband stiffer than Rick Santorum on a gay pride parade float, it was the basement stairwell of what needs to be skyscraper scaffolding. Baby steps.

Paul Ryan growled the requisite Veep Nominee pit-bull snarl. Then gave 40 minutes worth of credence to the Romney pollster who proclaimed earlier in the week, “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.” The Janesville Congressman trotted out more bad lies than Employees Day at St. Andrews. The Old Course.

Chris Christie solidly wedged himself into a fail-safe slot for the next round in the event of a Romney/ Ryan November stumble. As did Condoleezza Rice, albeit more elegantly. But Marco Rubio stole the show, positioning himself as a possible impediment to Christie and Condi’s scramble for 2016′s money. If there is any money by then.

Normally these gatherings are to spontaneity what Richard Simmons is to mule skinning. Lots of shiny, smooth seamless spandex. A three-day holiday in a hall full of Ken dolls. But in a dubious celebrity stretch, some soon-to-be ex-staffer woke Clint Eastwood from a nap to upstage the nominee’s acceptance speech by losing an argument with an empty chair.

Following Dirty Harry speaking to an imaginary president, Romney spoke of his phantom agenda. The general consensus was he needed to give the “Speech of His Life,” and the good news is, he did. The bad news: that was it. Great for the base. “Meh” for everybody else.

So now it’s on to Charlotte where the Democrats will throw a counter spin to their mirror image of this carefully orchestrated boogie-down. Charlotte and Tampa in the dead of summer. And these are our great political minds at work? Something indeed is horribly awry.

—–

The New York Times says five-time Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out the website: redroom.com to pre-order his soon-to-be-released book: “Elect to Laugh: Will Durst’s Totally Indispensable Guide to the 2012 Election.” Go to willdurst.com to find out about stand-up performances, such as: every Tuesday, Elect to Laugh! at The Marsh, San Francisco. themarsh.org. Only ten. TEN! 10 shows to go.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Mining humor out of Missouri Senate hopeful Todd Akin’s barrage of claptrap is tougher than eating frozen jerky in a rowboat on the eyewall of Hurricane Isaac. Normally, rape and funny live in two different solar systems, whose orbits rarely if ever intersect with significantly different trajectories and fields of gravity, if you catch our drift.

David Fitzsimmons / Arizona Daily Star (click to view more cartoons by Fitzsimmons)

But this guy’s historic and colossally moronic remark is the very exception that proves the rule winning him in one fell brimming swoop, the Joe Biden “Foot So Deep In His Mouth He’s Probably Tickling His Spleen with His Shoelaces” Lifetime Achievement Award.

During an interview with St. Louis television station KTVI, the Republican Congressman told a reporter, that from what he understands from doctors, women who are legitimately raped don’t get pregnant. And the plopping noise across the country from mouths dropping open was loud enough to wake every student at Gallaudet University.

Now, we expect our anthropoidal troglodytes to believe stupid stuff; we’re just not used to hearing their inane anthropoidal troglodytic beliefs articulated out loud. Refreshing and depressing at the same time.

Wow. Where do you start? Legitimately raped? Suffice it to say that no qualifying adverb is ever necessary in front of that particular noun. Especially from a man. And what does he mean by “legitimate”? It seems to infer something exists that could be known as “illegitimate” rape but, oh no, we’re not going there. As redundant as Halloween in San Francisco. Boring in Burlington. Hot in hell.

Next to the abstracted nonsense of his feeble-minded opinion, it’s the casual attribution that rankles. Here’s a man running for the U.S. Senate using medieval wives’ tales as philosophical justification. And he’s a member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology? Let’s hope his concentration is on space and technology. Notwithstanding the space between his ears.

Also makes one worry about the state of the medical profession in Missouri. Is the Show Me State overrun with puritanical shamans? Thirteenth century barbers? Filipino psychic surgeons? Physician bags stuffed with snake oil and leeches? Do their white jackets have long, long sleeves that wrap around the back where they’re buckled real tight?

The inundation was so overwhelming it came close to rendering Chris Matthews speechless. Almost. While an oblivious Akin tried to walk back his clueless comments, the GOP brought out the industrial-strength cattle prods to walk him back over a cliff. Steep drop. Sharp rocks. Big waves.

Republicans needed to reignite a War on Women right before their national convention the same way a fireworks factory needs a grease fire on July 3rd and the entire party rented jet skis to rooster-tail away from the eye of stupidity as far and fast as possible.

The storm surge of Hurricane Akin washed a bit of the shine off Golden Boy, Paul Ryan, as well. He and Akin have a history of introducing bills to redefine rape, and both oppose a woman’s right to choose following one. Not a problem for Romney though. Who thinks completely different. Or doesn’t. No one’s quite sure.

Thus far, the Tea Party favorite is determined to stay in and go full-term. And Democrats across the nation are shouting themselves hoarse fanning the waves of this deluge, while whispering words of encouragement hoping this testament of dark bewilderment exercises his god-given right to remain consummately cretinous in public. To Election Day! And beyond!

—–

The New York Times says five-time Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out the website: redroom.com to buy his just released book: “Will Durst’s Totally Indispensable Guide to the 2012 Election.” Go to willdurst.com to find out about stand- up performances, such as: every Tuesday, Elect to Laugh! @ The Marsh, San Francisco. themarsh.org. Only ELEVEN, 11, shows to go. Don’t forget the Will & Willie Show on KOFY channel 20 this Sunday @ 7:00 and12:00.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check outwillandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst. 

With the election slipping away like a handful of mercury on a turbocharged merry-go-round, Mitt Romney managed to change the conversation from unreleased tax returns and foreign misadventures by plucking Paul Ryan out of the Wisconsin wilds to be his running mate. “Romney-Ryan.” Short, alliterative and one syllable more conservative than “Obama-Biden.”

Adam Zyglis / Buffalo News (click to view more cartoons by Zyglis)

The situation appeared so desperate the choice couldn’t wait until after closing ceremonies of the Olympics, forcing the House Budget Committee chairman to share the weekend spotlight with enough English pop stars to clear out the hairspray aisle at seven Boots drug stores. The Republican Congressman may be famous for his P90x work-out regimen, but the Spice Girls have much better legs. And they’re way older.

Ryan was universally hailed as a bold choice. Yeah, well, maybe, but bold is not always synonymous with good. Whiskey for breakfast is a bold choice. Spun glass underwear is bold. Forehead dragon tattoos. Passing an 18-wheeler on a blind curve doing 80 in the rain. Incredibly bold. Not necessarily smart.

Another white male Christian conservative. That is bold. But only when not compared to absolutely anything else. It’s been speculated a major reason for awarding the Wisconsin congressman the prize spot at the bottom of the bumper sticker was to energize the base. And total slam-dunk there. The question is: Which base?

Republicans are shaking like a Brazilian supermodel on a Lake Superior beach shoot in January. Only happier. Haven’t seen them this excited since John McCain hooked up with some governor of Alaska. Meanwhile, Democrats are salivating so uncontrollably, they’d be advised to invest in bibs to keep from soiling their $5,000 Man-of-the-People suits.

A coordinated attack was immediately launched to trash Ryan’s Path to Prosperity budget bill, which replaces Medicare with vouchers. Health care coupons. Why? Because old people love coupons. “I got a coupon. Only four more, we can book an anesthesiologist.”

The Romney campaign instantly counter-accused the president of gutting Medicare to the tune of $700 billion for Obamacare. So we got that to look forward to: 11 more weeks of the echoing refrain of “You’re killing Medicare,” “No, you’re killing Medicare.” Rinse and repeat. And repeat again. Continue rinsing.

Ryan, a self-professed Ayn Rand acolyte, was forced to denounce his Objectivism hero when somebody on his staff who reads discovered Ms. Rand rejected all forms of religion, which some might infer meant she did not believe in Jesus. You can love one or the other, but not both. Like with Wham!

Allegations also arose that while Ryan ladled scorn onto the stimulus bill, he wrote four letters to the Department of Energy praising programs and requesting funds for his district. Could this be a fount of flip for Mitt’s famed flop?

Ryan doesn’t do much to help with Romney’s Richie Rich problem either. Wealthy son of a Janesville, Wis. highway contractor, he amended his financial disclosure statement in March, having forgotten to include a trust fund inherited by his wife worth between $1 million and $5 million. Then again, who among us hasn’t forgotten a multi-million dollar trust account? “Now where did I put that pesky Five Mil? Must be in my other pants pockets.”

Difficult to discern whether the GOP Boy Wonder is helping or hindering Willard’s ticket. But if the campaign arc doesn’t start levitating real soon, he might be forced to release some tax returns just to change the conversation. Again.

—–

The New York Times says five-time Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out the website: redroom.com to buy his book, “Will Durst’s Totally Indispensable Guide to the 2012 Election.” And willdurst.com to find out about stand-up performances. Such as: Saturday August 18 at Angelica’s Bistro in Redwood City, Calif. Also: every Tuesday, Elect to Laugh! @ The Marsh, San Francisco. Only TWELVE, 12, shows left. themarsh.org.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Planetary props to the City of London for a monumentally memorable 30th Olympiad. It was obvious from the opening ceremonies that these would be games nobody would soon forget. From the queen jumping out of a helicopter to Charles Dickens wearing a top hat at Stonehenge contracting black-lung disease during the Industrial Revolution or whatever was going on there. Beautiful, is what it was. And odd.

Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

Then for two weeks, the world’s greatest athletes captivated global attention by setting records and shedding tears and pulling hamstrings in familiar events and sports we didn’t even know existed. Men’s rhythmic marathon gymnastic BMX diving?

It continues to amaze how every four years, humans continue to incrementally evolve to be faster and stronger and higher and longer and as far as synchronized swimming is concerned, creepier.

The weather was oh-so-British; mercurial, unpredictable and tipsy by dark. And added kudos must be laid at the feet of England’s capital city for keeping the contests pretty much controversy- free. Except, of course, the momentary ugliness that was the women’s semifinal field hockey match between Great Britain and Argentina. AKA: The Falklands War II. This time it’s personal! Utilizing less-lethal sticks.

One can never entirely keep politics out of games or games out of politics. The two have too much in common. For instance, we cheer for our team no matter what opponents they line up against. And if a player switches sides, that’s fine too. As long as they wear our uniform. So essentially, what we root for is laundry.

Score is kept and grudges held for generations. Contestants blindly resort to any strategy within the law to win, often finding themselves on the wrong side of strictly legal. And invariably one over-caffeinated idiot will try to psych out the other side with smack talk about somebody’s mama.

Every once in a while some underused substitute will buzz a high, tight one under the chin of an opposing superstar and both benches will clear. And then… not much of anything happens. Participants talk of sportsmanship being the paramount goal but it’s plain to see everything is all about the gold.

Even our notoriously composed to the point of semi-somnambulant president occasionally is forced to engage in various sporty contortions. We’re used to seeing him body surfing and on the basketball court, but the Complying Hawaiian has been showing off some pretty impressive election year moves as well. As a little something we like to call the Barack Obama Election-Year Decathlon will elucidate.

#1. The Individual Medley Multiple Issue-Straddle.

#2. The Debt Ceiling Crisis Crunch Clean And Jerk. With an emphasis on the jerks.

#3. Global Goodwill High Nuclear Hurdle Tour.

#4. Extreme Middle of the Road Straightline Walk-Run.

#5. Single Weekend 10 State Promise Them Anything Fundraising Marathon.

#6. Last Minute Digging Up a Democrat with a Backbone Desperation Relay.

#7. The Incredible Disappearing Successful Solar Energy Photo-Op Sprint.

#8. The 800 Pound Gorilla that is the Economy Greco-Roman Wrestle.

#9. Biting His Tongue While in the Presence of John Boehner Freestyle.

And the final event:

#10. The Joe Biden Advanced Obstacle Course. Now with Landmines!

—–

The New York Times says five-time Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com to find out more about stand-up performances. Such as: Wednesday August 15 at Yoshi’s, Jack London Square, Oakland. Also, every Tuesday, Elect to Laugh! @ The Marsh, San Francisco. Only 13 shows left. themarsh.org. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

The American electorate may harbor an ambivalent attitude towards the former governor of Massachusetts, but the reaction to his European Vacation from folks across the big pond could only be described as decisively derisive. If diplomacy were a hurdling sport, the guy stumbled over the lane chalk.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

The plan was for the GOP nominee to embark on a low-risk, three-country jaunt to raise his suspect foreign policy bona fides, but the seven-day charm offensive proved to be light on charm and heavy on offense. Good will hunting transformed into ill will gathering.

The first stop was Great Britain, where the Wee Bairne of Bain managed to pretty much insult the whole country. Romney told an interviewer that security problems surrounding the Olympics were disconcerting. And the gates of Hades opened and all sorts of evil tabloid creatures sprung forth.

He only said the same exact thing they had been saying for weeks in Merry Olde, but you know family. Siblings are allowed to call their father a harebrained lovable loser: cousins, not so much.

David Cameron snapped that London was a busy, world-class city and “not in the middle of nowhere,” which some interpreted as a snub targeting the man who famously saved the 2002 Winter Olympics. But the prime minister only demonstrated his own geographic ineptitude. Salt Lake City isn’t in the middle of nowhere; it’s in Utah.

Ann Romney traipsed along to offer moral support to her horse Rafalca, competing in Olympic dressage. Dressage being a French word describing an event where horse and rider perform predetermined movements. Like inter-species dancing. Which has to be illegal in at least half of the states Willard leads.

The Overseas Gaffe Express moved to the Middle East where Mr. Romney stuck a prayer in the Wailing Wall, presumably pleading to be struck dumb. Retroactively. Later he gave a speech saying Israel’s financial acumen and culture provided it with a major advantage over Palestine. Sort of ticking off the Palestinians. Not to mention a couple of Israelis who thought he called them thrifty.

The trip landed for a final stop in Poland and everyone held their breath. But all that happened on the outskirts of the evil continent of Europe was an aide cautioned a reporter to stop peppering the candidate with questions because they were in a holy site for Poles. And to emphasize the sanctity of the joint, he told the reporter to kiss his butt. Only he didn’t say butt, rather the word that rhymes with class. A quality of which he is obviously bereft.

The campaign was hoping to use this journey abroad to muffle the outcry over tax returns and set up the vice-presidential pick, but now even the most partisan Republican has to wonder how many consecutive blows to the head their candidate can take without visible bruising. Need to line up a platoon of makeup artists for Tampa.

Britain, Israel and Poland. Not what you call the Group of Death. Those aren’t the tough ones, Mitt. Got to rate their collective degree of difficulty in diplomatic terms at about a negative 2. But one thing you got to give him — at least he stuck his dismount.

The New York Times says 5-time Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com to find out more about stand- up performances. Also: every Tuesday, Elect to Laugh! @ The Marsh, San Francisco. Only 14 shows left. themarsh.org.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Who knows why Mitt Romney doesn’t release his old tax records. Maybe he’s stubborn. Nobody likes being told what to do. Could be an incredibly simple explanation like he lost them and is embarrassed. For all we know the accordion file of old returns fell off a shelf in the garage and is buried under a pile of old bikes and unopened anniversary gifts.

John Cole / Scranton Times-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Cole)

Promised to release his 2011 tax records when he files on or around October 15. Wrong way, Mitt. We don’t care about the five years you’ve been running for president. We want to know what you did before the national spotlights were trained on you. Who are you in the dark? Do you change into tights and a cape? Or is the King of Bain really Bane? You’re so Bane, you probably think this column is about you.

Desperate to change the conversation, the presumptive tax dodger slipped out of the country and ran away to the Olympics. Because that’s where the cameras are pointed. And apparently he’s determined to get in front of them in order to make verbal gaffes on subjects other than his taxes. Making people cogitate even furiouser, what nuggets of deliciousness could possibly be lurking unseen?

Romney has the best lawyers and accountants money could buy, so probably nothing overtly illegal. Perhaps some solid investments that might pin the red on the dodgy side on the moral- ometer. You know. High-stakes Monaco baccarat winnings. Heroin spatulas. Far Eastern white-slavery futures. Not here to judge. We’re talking different cultures.

Problem is, in a void, one’s imagination naturally runs wild about any Unobtanium. Accordingly, please allow me to wildly offer up a couple of conjectures on possible skeletons buried in the Mitt Romney tax crypts:

Doesn’t just have a bank account in the Cayman Islands; owns two of the three Cayman Islands.

Tithes 10 percent of income every year to Scientology.

Claims nine kids as dependents.

Adjusted net worth after taxes is a bazilliondy dollars.

Collects royalties from Kraft for the copyrighted term “Preppy Dip.”

Turns out Mitt really IS short for Mittens.

In 2004, he wrote off $60,000 in Chinese-made hair products.

Currently holds 60 percent of Greece’s debt.

Never checks the donation box at the bottom of his 1040.

Back in the late 80s, his closest business associate was Pablo Escobar.

Top three charitable donations were to Greenpeace, Planned Parenthood and Code Pink.

His Swiss bank account number is 666.

Served 18 months in prison for tax evasion while governor of Massachusetts and nobody noticed. Known in the yard as “Shifty.”

Holds the lease on a 120,000 square foot warehouse in Nevada filled to the rafters with sex toys.

Yearly health care deductions include three pages for nickel-metal-hydride batteries.

Entire estate has been placed under the control of Rafalca, the Olympic horse.

Was the brains behind Bernie Madoff.

Claims Newt Gingrich books-on-tape as therapeutic deductions.

Has the state of South Dakota placed in his IRA.

Not only paid no taxes for the years 1990-2002, but it turns out we owe him $400,000,000.

—–

The New York Times says five-time Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political comic working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his upcoming e-book “Will Durst’s Totally Indispensable Guide to the 2012 Election” or to find out more about stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. 

Also: every Tuesday, Elect to Laugh! @ The Marsh, San Francisco. Only 15 shows left. themarsh.org. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

You might say it was a turbulent week for Mitt Romney. You could also say a light lemon sugar wash makes for ineffective mosquito repellent. He claims to have totally left Bain Capital to run the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics even though his company handed the government multiple signed documents stating otherwise, and now financial questions plague his campaign like a swarm of dive-bombing bees in a bathroom stall.

Chris Weyant / The Hill (click to view more cartoons by Weyant)

The presumptive GOP nominee finds himself in the uncomfortable position of having to convince skeptical voters someone can serve as a firm’s president, chairman of the board, chief executive officer, sole stockholder, junior janitor and cafeteria server in a plastic hairnet and still have absolutely nothing to do with the direction of the company or anything that’s going on. You might say he’s invoking a modified Wall Street bankers’ defense.

It boils down to whether he played any active role after leaving in 1999 and his subsequent retroactive retirement. Whatever that means. He says no, dividends be damned. And all those SEC filings listing him as boss were simply corporate publicity moves, like Donald Trump putting his name on various hotels and statuesque fashion models. Which many psychologists define as an edifice complex.

Adding to the confusion, in 2002, Willard successfully disputed tax records listing him as an inhabitant of Utah because he was required to have seven years of residency in Massachusetts for gubernatorial eligibility. Then again, who would quarrel with having a president who could live in two places at the same time?

Also, during the period in question, Romney sat on the board of a corporation called LifeLike, which co-incidentally seems to be his campaign slogan. But we’re pretty sure they had nothing to do with his construction. They make dolls, not puppets.

The reason this is all so important is because Romney declares his qualifications stem from his recognized business acumen. And if it’s proven he either lied under oath or to the American people, it would go a long way toward establishing he truly does deserve national office.

Romney maintains he is totally within the law not releasing any more tax records than required. Yeah, well, in certain states gambling and prostitution and foie gras are within the law as well. Is this guy running for the presidency or trying to avoid the constabulary?

The former governor from Massachusetts rationalizes he’s only following in Teresa Heinz’s ’04 footsteps. But Teresa Heinz wasn’t running for president. Her husband, John Kerry, was, and he released 20 years of taxes. So, maybe Romney is subliminally letting us know the post he’s really angling for is… first lady.

Speaking of which, presumptuous presumptive Marie Antoinette understudy, Ann Romney, addressed the subject with, “We’ve given all you people need to know.” Wow. Now, we’re “you people.” Might be taking that Mormon Royalty thing a bit too far. Fortunately, her husband was able to refrain from using the term when addressing the NAACP.

Come on, Mitt. This is the biggest of all poker games and it’s time to go all-in. Like the police always tell us when they start ramping up surveillance. “The innocent have nothing to fear.” You’re squeaky clean innocent, aren’t you? Or is this just another example of that age old Golden Rule: “He who has the gold, makes the rules.”

—–

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his upcoming e-book “Will Durst’s Totally Indispensable Guide to the 2012 Election,” or find out more about stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Also: every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. Only 16 shows left. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

All of America should drop to its knees and thank the GOP for attempting to provide us with replacement fireworks. As you undoubtedly know, cities all over the country this year were forced to cancel Fourth of July festivities due to fear of fire, glitchy computers and twitchy bureaucrats. Like there’s another kind.

The Republican House took great pains to salve our sensory-deprived souls by trying to set off enough indoor fireworks to make the San Diego Big Bay Bust look like a fluttering votive candle. It was designed to be a spectacular explosion fueled by ego, obstinacy and behavior so self-absorbed, the casual bystander might assume we were in the middle of an election year.

John Cole / Scranton Times-Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Cole)

For the 33rd time, all House business slammed to a grinding halt to accommodate another vote to repeal Obamacare. Again. Thirty-three times. Let’s look at that, shall we? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33.

You got to give the majority party credit for being able to flog this dead horse without getting any flying bits on them. Thirty-three times is at least 32 times more than the administration ever tried to sell this bill to a public overwhelmingly in favor of its component parts.

They persevered even though everyone knows there’s a better chance of flamingoes flying out of monkey butts than the Senate ever signing on. And getting past a presidential veto, substitute polka-dotted pterodactyls for the flamingoes.

As political theater goes, this sad summer-stock production fizzled with tired choreography and a script duller than Shakespeare in modern dress performed by third-graders in Mandarin. No wonder they keep trying to cut funding for the arts, they’re deathly afraid of the competition.

They rationalized this particular Theater of the Absurd production by claiming the necessity to make a statement. And indeed a statement has been made. That Congress is broken and impotent and hopelessly in need of adult supervision. Even as we speak, you can hear their 8 percent approval rating clanking down the basement steps to unimagined depths.

It has been estimated this extended season of Cirque de Folly has taken up two cumulative weeks of business at a cost of $24 million a week. That’s what it takes to keep the congressional gears oiled and moving. Nearly $50 million to hammer home a point more tedious than slogging through the instruction booklet for an Egyptian-made solar generator.

We’re not even talking about more millions wasted to appease the base by blatantly restricting women’s rights. This is all perfectly good money that could have been spent on further tax cuts for the rich. Even with inflation, $50 million worth of oil subsidies could go a long way. Any idea how many car elevators you could buy with that kind of money?

The official party line on Obamacare is “repeal and replace,” but nobody has anything to replace it with. Ask for specifics and Republicans mumble and fidget and get as vague as Donald Trump talking about the importance of ethics while closing the deal.

First there was Romneycare, and now we got Obamacare, but if the har- line conservatives get their way, this country is going to end up with We Don’t Care. Less Care For You. Couldn’t Care Less. Just might have to rename these fiscally responsible charlatans as… The Care Less Party.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his upcoming e-book or find out more about stand- up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Also: every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. Only 17 shows left. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”

Copyright 2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

And now, your report from the front lines of the G-20 summit recently concluded in Los Cabos, Mexico. And the good news is… no knife fights. Very little broken furniture; and for the very first time in recent memory, the proceedings were judged to be more boring than watching varnish harden, which is considered a huge coup for the host country. So, Viva Mexico!

Dave Granlund / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more cartoons by Granlund)

The G-20 meets once a year and is made up of 15 or 16 of the top 20 countries with the largest economies in the world, excluding Norway, the Netherlands, Spain and a couple others, but including the European Union and some other countries with special ties to the organizers. You know, like in high school. If you help decorate Prom, you know who’s compiling the guest list.

Of course, Spain is allowed to crash the festivities every year even though they’re not actually members. Like the quarterback who gets suspended for the food fight in the cafeteria, everybody loves Spain and will sneak them through the back door of the party. Besides, they always bring the Sangria. And come on: they’re Spain!

An important thing to remember is the huge, intractable distinctions between competing governmental conventions. The G-20 has absolutely nothing to do with the G-8, which is made up of eight of the world’s top 10 economies excluding China and Brazil. And once in a while, the European Union wanders by, but that’s about it. Don’t even think of letting Spain in. We have our own Sangria, thank you very much. And we call it gin.

Like the G-20, the G-8 also meets once a year and was originally known as the G-6 and then G-7. So it would not take that great of a leap to put a couple of Euros down on another eventual name change to G-9. G-Double Digits, right around the corner.

And, as everybody knows, the G-20 replaced the G-33, which itself superceded the G-22, leading to speculation that the G-8 and the G-20 will someday merge and produce a mutant love child to be known as the GG-28, which will meet twice a year and hopefully be as boring as Day Three of hospital pudding.

This was the seventh meeting of the G-20, and the politics involved were breathtaking in a stupendously vapid way. Then nothing happened. And for nothing to happen on a global scale, with markets around the world as precarious as a glass sculpture above a nuclear test site located on an earthquake fault in a sandstorm, is exactly what everyone was praying for.

An official declaration recognized that agreements may very well be forthcoming but not until a framework can be forged to accommodate international justifications to absolve interested parties of any blame and/or responsibility. And Greece and Spain were never mentioned by name. But we all know who they are.

Internally, it was heartily agreed that decisive action will definitely be required. Someday. By someone. But not now. And definitely not by anybody here. Then Asia and Latin America quietly bailed out Europe, and nobody commented on the ignominy of it all, and they all retired to the big balcony overlooking the sea to dance and smoke and drink Sangria.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand- up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

From out of the green mist enveloping the campaign doldrums they come. Relentlessly. Doggedly. Cattedly. Trudging, blank-faced and soulless. Armies of cash-hungry zombies brandishing partisan pickaxes, shovels and crowbars, with only one goal rattling around their feverish brains. Campaign booty. Pieces of eight. Entire 8s. Eight-figured 8s.

Adam Zyglis / Buffalo News (click to view more cartoons by Zyglis)

We’re in that lazy seam that marks the home stretch to the National Conventions, with little else to occupy opposing squads than raising moolah to prepare for the epic upcoming battle. Negative ads don’t grow on trees, you know.

The peripatetic participants are as frenzied as reef sharks in shallow, tuna-rich waters trying to raise a little bit of money here, some more money there, how about all that money — everywhere. At this point, the staffs are so laser-focused you’d think they were being pursued by the hounds of fund-raising hell. Maybe they are. Or the ghost of John McCain’s ’08 late October.

In May, President Obama picked up a measly $60 million versus $76 million for the presumptive Republican nominee ,and those figures were considered by most experts to be a drop in the Suck-It bucket. Slack City. Chump change. Must have been distracted. Weren’t really trying. Had their minds on other things. It was Sweeps Week.

But with the election less than five months away, the time for random tips and digging under couch cushions is over. Right now, the collection plate is being passed with both congregations weighing and judging from behind praying hands. And the candidates have tuned their industrial-strength choir operations to sing en masse in the key of Thee. Except for Cory Booker.

The two campaigns expect to raise a billion dollars each by September, and that doesn’t count the capital being sucked up by the Super PAC vacuums either. They laughingly call this speed-dating money-grab a “listening tour,” but the only folks being heard are the ones speaking with big, fat wide-open wallets.

The country is being strip-mined for campaign gold. Keel hauled for buried treasure. Huge looting machines are dangling potential donors by the heels to shake large bills, blank checks and loose change out of pockets. Then they get a sucker and are encouraged to go away. But stick next to the phone. There might be another call. Might, as in, will. Repeatedly.

Can’t blame the politicians; it was the Supreme Court that fired the pistol starting this Amazing Race for Wampum when it decreed money to be free speech. The campaigns are simply searching for the most strident voices. Human shrieking megaphones. We’re in the audition stage of American Idol where loudest equals bestest. Only problem is, one air raid siren sounds an awful lot like another.

Don’t bother asking what these big-time donors get for their greenbacks; you don’t want to know. That’s the dark side of democracy: those that give, get. Currency gets you access. Access gets you influence. And influence is just a small step away from being appointed to head a panel to write your own arsenic loophole into tap water regulation.

Face it people: In America today, the major difference between a campaign contribution and a bribe is five syllables. The cynical among us might say we no longer bother engaging in elections, we conduct auctions. But like everything else in this country, at least they’re big. And loud. And expensive.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. 

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Permanently capitalizing the P in Presumptive Nominee, the Texas primary shoved Mitt Romney right over the delegate precipice, and now with the nomination locked up tighter than a rusted pickle jar 20,000 leagues beneath the sea, the campaign has taken a sudden turn towards the nebulous. Ambiguous-Ville. Candidates don’t make mistakes in the murky bog of summer. Even when they do, the atmosphere is too hazy to notice.

Brian Fairrington / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Fairrington)

One advantage to this smoky, shapeless strategy is it plays directly to the man’s strengths. The former governor of Massachusetts doesn’t have what you might call an actual, distinct personality. He’s more of a virgin canvas. A good-looking blank slate onto which any number of convictions and philosophies can be believably projected. He’s the coloring book and we voters the crayons. And no fighting over who gets to be burnt sienna.

One of the major pitfalls inherent to this kind of approach is the strong jawed father of five strapping boys just might play the part too well and come to epitomize what Gertrude Stein said about Oakland: “There’s no there there.” The guy makes a void look cluttered.

Nobody in the GOP wants to be associated in any way with Oakland, much less have the top of the ticket become a patron saint. The Potemkin Candidate needs to project a quality more substantial than some shape shifter with a supernatural ability to assume the identity of whomever or whatever they plant next to him. Probably why you don’t see many Romney rallies held at zoos. Too afraid he’ll pose next to the chameleon cage and turn all green.

Another potential mine in the Road to Tampa is the struggle to keep Willard from hanging out with the wrong crowd. You know, other Republicans. Especially distressing to see him palling around with Donald Trump. Again, like being photographed at a clown convention. No matter how hard you try, some of that white face is bound to wipe off on the shoulders of even the most ghostly of political shadows.

Donald Trump: a man who is to sober judgment what chocolate-covered marshmallows are to quantum physics. Fueling more fickle furnaces that suspect he’ll say or do anything to get to 50.1%, Romney refuses to criticize The Donald, even when the reality show host spouts further Birther nonsense. “Obama was born in Kenya.” No, he wasn’t. He was born in Honolulu. In a manger. Everybody knows that.

When asked why he continues to press on with this discredited charge, Trump said: “People on the street tell me not to give up on the issue.” Donald, for crum’s sake, you live in New York City. People on the street also say “My tricycle sprouted wings and is made out of plutonium.”

Although when you think about it, the Oxymormon needs to pick a vice president who makes him look presidential, and The Donald might be the perfect choice. Next to him, Lou Ferrigno looks presidential. Manny Ramirez. Some random guy in a banana suit, twirling a sign.

Of course, featuring these two titans of industry, people would either flock to or flee from the Vulture Capitalist Ticket. You’ve heard of Dumb & Dumber? Welcome to Rich & Richer. Even George Will would admit it’s a pairing that would go a long way into nailing down the bloviating ignoramus vote. Start cranking out the bumper stickers: “Romney/ Trump 2012. We like to Fire People!”

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.” And this Sunday, Channel 20, Will & Willie are back. KNEW too. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Disregard the almanac. And the calendar. Forget whatever the meteorologist or the astrology charts or your next-door neighbor with the hair growing out of a mole shaped like the state of Delaware on his nose told you. The true wormhole opening to summer is not the upcoming solstice on Wednesday, June 20th; it is, has been, and forever shall be the last Monday of May — Memorial Day.

Dave Granlund / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more Memorial Day cartoons)

Memorial Day: when the world alters unalterably for every kid and teacher and parent and water-park operator across the land. By now, the cages have either sprung open or the locks are being picked, and the imprinted DNA of every true-blooded American tingles in anticipation of the ten-to-twelve weeks of school-free adventures looming ahead like a sun-kissed valley below a fog-enshrouded summit. Even those of us who don’t get to stop and romp in the valley are able to recall extended days when we did, and can’t help but grin wistfully.

Officially, the last Monday of May was carved out as a peaceful respite to lay a wreath at the tomb of all the young men and women who sacrificed their lives for the security of our nation, not to mention the multitude of valiant drivers tragically lost in Midwestern automobile races.

Unofficially, it’s the time for the whole of America to stop in the headlong momentum of the year to lean on a freshly painted picnic table and catch our collective breath.

Summer? Seriously? Already? How the hell did that happen? Wasn’t it just the other day we were taking down our Xmas cards? Of course some of us still have our Xmas cards up. And exactly what is wrong with that?

Most importantly, Memorial Day marks the beginning of the flesh-charring season. Our own, at the beach, eating al fresco for the first time all year and on the freshly scrubbed grill — those many brave, sluggish mammals who gave their lives in order for us to raise our cholesterol levels to heights where Sherpas fear to tread. Thank the pig.

Now is the time for fireworks and lemonade and tires swinging on ropes over rivers and roasted marshmallows and ice cream on sticks that melt down your hand all the way to the elbow. And golf and hiking and roasted corn and suntan lotion and thunderstorms and baseball broadcasts on an AM radio and spending a week in the middle of August jammed in the back of a station wagon with no air conditioning, an 18-year-old incontinent basset hound and a leaking Coleman cooler.

Some people even claim to find camping relaxing. Good for you. To me, the outdoors is where the car is. Roughing it means cable TV without Turner Classic Movies. You say Wilderness: I think spotty cell phone coverage.

Our season of frenzied leisure is too shortly destined to end on Labor Day, so hurry on out there and have one terrific summer full of long, languid days and soft, warm, breezy nights. Go frolic and cavort and gambol and caper in a madcap series of wacky, zany antics that you remember fondly. Always. And try to keep the sand off your hot dog. If you know what I mean. Gentlemen: Start your Webers.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out Redroom.com to find out about upcoming stand-up performances such as Elect to Laugh. Tuesdays through November at the Marsh. themarsh.org, 22nd & Valencia, San Francisco. Special $10 tix, when you use the code “vote.” 

Copyright 2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

You don’t need a psychoanalyst to detect the latent theme running through the endorsements currently showering Mitt Romney like broken rain gutters pouring down on a concrete toadstool. And that premise is ennui. “Mitt? Really? Yeah. Okay. Whatever.” Makes tepid sound like a crazed bellow. With wild enthusiasm as MIA as World Series trophies in the Wrigley Field display case. Within the last 104 years, that is.

Someone should warn NASA because we are approaching stratospheric heights of apathy here. The only thing these highly solicited testimonials have accomplished is given a face to listless. The guy needs industrial-strength hip waders to slog through the thigh-high lethargy.

Chris Weyant / The Hill (click to view more cartoons by Weyant)

George W. Bush carved a precious three seconds out of his busy schedule to make a momentous announcement from the inside of an elevator telling an ABC news crew, “I’m for Mitt Romney” as the doors closed on him. Not that the candidate-in-waiting was particularly lusting after 44′s imprimatur, which some might call the Kiss of Campaign Death. But it effectively does nail down the eminently sought-after spoiled rich kid vote.

Rick Santorum got around to his ringing endorsement 13 paragraphs into a 16-paragraph email sent out to supporters after midnight. The only subterfuge he neglected to employ was to disguise it in semaphoric code. And these are Romney’s big-time Republican buddies. You’d think they were having their teeth pulled with families held at gunpoint on a listing catwalk yawning over an erupting caldera.

It’s been like that ever since the nominee became presumptive. Politicians oozing from the woodwork with the same kind of energetic frenzy fifth-grade school girls normally reserve for haggis-flavored ice cream studded with garlic pickle chips.

You got to know this is just the beginning of a series of sluggishly recalcitrant pledges of approbation. Here are some other passion-challenged tributes we can expect over the coming weeks.

“Mitt Romney. Had to go with somebody, right?”

“Not the brainwashed Romney. That was his dad.”

“Only two of Mitt Romney’s five sons think he’s a soulless Cyborg.”

“May be out of touch with the mainstream but looks pretty good tanning on the embankment.”

“Mitt Romney. Hey, it could be worse.”

“Not the kind of guy who would hold you down and cut your hair, unless you really were asking for it.”

“Pretty down to earth for someone building a 57-room mansion with a car elevator.”

“Will do for America what he did for Bain Capital.”

“Survived the mean streets of Bloomfield Hills.”

“Hardly ever sneaks out at night to kick homeless guys. Anymore.”

“A man who stands by his previous statements, no matter what they are.”

“Mormons are just like Christians, aren’t they?”

“Mitt Romney. Not that bad, when you consider the alternatives.”

“He’s no John McCain.”

“Going to make the world safe for rich people.”

“Mitt Romney. When good things happen to bland people.”

“He’s Oxymormonic!”

“Hasn’t strapped a dog to the roof of his car in over 28 years.”

“Mitt Romney. He’s got gas money.”

“Never ridden a bus in his entire life.”

“Looks more like Gordon Gekko than Michael Douglas ever did.”

“Mitt Romney. A man who feels strongly about both sides of many issues.”

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to buy his book or find out about upcoming stand-up performances.

Such as… Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”

Copyright 2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

A thousand rainbows of congratulations to Barack Obama for bursting out of his own personal policy closet and fabulously proclaiming he believes “same sex couples should be able to get married.” Sir! Welcome to the third year of the second decade of the 21st century, sir! You also might want to check out some of the strides we’ve been making in communications.

The president went on to explain he was slow in using his powers for good because it had taken a while for those thoughts to go Darwinian. Sadly, he stopped short of endorsing transmutation and neglected to hail Hugh Jackman as the best entertainer on the face of the PLANET!

Adam Zyglis / Buffalo News (click to view more cartoons by Zyglis)

What we witnessed was no eon eating, natural selection-type evolution; this native political animal spontaneously grew flippers and walked on dry land, prodded only by a nudge from the Biden fossil. Come to think of it, maybe flippers aren’t the only body parts BHO grew.

You might even call it a chrysalis, with a caterpillar emerging from its cautious cocoon to sprout wings and fly to a lonely position atop the moral high ground previously inhabited by such disparate denizens as Tammy Baldwin, Barney Frank and, unaccountably, Dick Cheney. Facing extinction.

As predictable as a brush-back pitch following a grand slam, Republicans began to howl from eight different vantages. One right-wing rag claimed he “Buckled” on the issue. Others called him the First Waffler. Might be difficult to hide Mitt Romney’s 8000 waffles behind this big one of Obama’s, but they’ll give it the old prep-school try.

Besides, isn’t a waffle when you expediently move to a more popular position to curry votes? Meaning this swing- state polarizer is the exact opposite of a waffle. More of an elffaw. Which is waffle backwards. A polf- pilf. Or a yrrek.

Rush Limbaugh jumped into the fray accusing Obama of waging a “War on Marriage.” Everything’s a “War” with this guy. Bet he calls breakfast a War on Pancakes. Not to mention being a tad disingenuous coming from a multi- millionaire who hired Elton John to sing at his fourth wedding.

The president’s supporters worry he offended the black church-going community, one of his inviolate bases. But come on, really? Don’t you suspect he could be caught naked in a dumpster with a goat and a Portuguese seamstress and still carry the black church-going community? Just the goat? Male seamstress?

Opening a conspiratorial can of mutating worms, it has been suggested someone at The Washington Post leaked the Mitt Romney high school gay-pranking story and Obama knew he had to poop or get off the pot before it hit. Adding to Romney’s image problems: do we really want him tackling Belgium and cutting off its hair because he didn’t like the way it looked?

Michelle Obama’s husband disavowed any desire to legalize gay marriage on a federal level, maintaining it should be a states-rights issue. Of course, interracial marriage was illegal in 16 states until a Supreme Court decision in 1967 and some people still consider that an abomination. Guess who’s whining about this? Same marine invertebrates.

Fine. Let all gay people move to California. We’ll take ‘em. Then just try to get your hair cut in Mississippi. Or take ballet lessons in Montana. Or raise money in D.C. And that right there might be the origin of the species.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to buy his book or find out about upcoming stand-up performances. 

Every Tuesday. Until the Election. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.” Shhh. 

Copyright 2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Since Gov. Romney has sewn up the nomination tighter than one of Chris Christie’s old suits, the only remaining Republican election drama is which name the Bairn of Bain Capital intends to place on the bottom of his bumper sticker. Yes, friends, it’s once again time to play that quadrennial game sensation sweeping the nation: Let’s Guess Mitt’s Vice Presidential Pick!

Taylor Jones / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Jones)

Usually the question of the presumptive nominee’s prom date doesn’t play out until June or July, but this year, the mushrooming punditocracy has chewed on the fat, tasty, rancorous primary for so long they bloated up like a poisoned toad. And are hungry. Which is why “running mate” is currently chalked atop the media blackboard menu. “Feed Me!”

The vice presidency is an odd job interview. Best way to apply is to deny desiring the position. Saying exemplary things about the candidate never hurts. Neither does fund-raising. Disguising any interest in 2016 — all good. But the choice ultimately depends on whether Willard decides to excite his base, gravitate towards the middle, or make a game change. Here’s a couple contenders.

Texas Congressman Dr. Ron Paul: 1,000 to 1. Less chance than a snail hauling a piano has of qualifying for the 100-meter dash at the London Summer Olympics.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry: 10,000 to 1. Same thing, only the snail is dead.

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, pizza CEO Herman Cain, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, and Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann: 100,000 to 1. The snail is dead and the piano is made of uranium, heaviest element on Earth.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie: 100 to 1. Spends much time bringing many things to the table but, alas, New Jersey is not among them.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty: 10 to 1. Only problem is, two guys so white, might become known as the Albino Ticket.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal: 25 to 1. President Barack. Vice President Piyush. Totally possible.

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush: 50 to 1. Too soon. People need more time to recover from Bush Fatigue. Another two decades should do it.

New Hampshire Sen. Kelly Ayotte: 50 to 1. Would help nail down that crucial Northeast vote.

Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels: 25 to 1. Bland and boring. A victory party guaranteed to cure insomniacs.

Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan: 30 to 1. More polarizing than a linear accelerator. Makes Romney look liberal.

Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman: 200 to 1. Two Mormons? That’s a Broadway musical, not a presidential ticket.

South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley: 80 to 1. Hybrid of Sarah Palin and Bobby Jindal with associative perks and potholes.

Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum: 10 to 1. Good Christian mudder. Especially helpful should Mitt need Old Testament righteousness to counter squishy-conservative charges.

Ohio Sen. Rob Portman: 100 to 1. Dubyah’s old budget director could make Romney’s economic argument fuzzier than peach season in Georgia.

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Ric: 1,000 to 1. More dead snails and immensely heavy pianos.

Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell: 60 to 1. Fading fast. Broke unwritten “don’t speak of wanting it” rule. Blatantly airing image ads even though he’s not running for office.

Florida Sen. Mario Rubio: 3 to 1. Catholic Hispanic AND state of Florida. Fits together like seashores, lemonade and halter tops.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney: 300 to 1. Relieved to leave D.C., but could be convinced to work on behalf of country again. After all, he’s already had one recent change of heart.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to buy his book or find out about upcoming stand- up performances. 

Such as… Riot Act Comedy Theater. May 10-12. 813 E St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20004. riotactcomedy.com.

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.” 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Now the general election has unofficially begun, you and I and pretty much everyone dear to us, except of course, beleaguered Kansas City Royal fans who eat BBQ at least twice a week, are about to be buried under such a blizzard of polls, we’ll be lucky to evade frostbite burns.

The two campaigns are poised to pivot like a fat kid on roller skates clutching an expiring candy store coupon — based on whatever data they receive from their intensely studied focus groups of potential voters. Because of ongoing leaps in technology and research, this time around the polling community has gravitated towards something called micro-demographics.

Larry Wright / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Wright)

Small, nimble groups have replaced the old lumbering matrices of yesteryear. No longer does America have to duck while designations of Soccer Moms and NASCAR Dads are thrown our way, having become hopelessly outdated and appallingly unwieldy due to their exceptionally large sampling. These are tinier tastes, which can be more easily targeted like lasers taking out flies on Wisconsin barn roofs a mile and-a-half away.

For instance, according to 2008 exit polls, unmarried men unable to program their own DVRs were 3 percent of the electorate — a group Barack Obama won by 56 percent to 51 percent. But among tall red-headed women who wore green on purpose, he lost by a daunting 59 percent to 40 percent. Obviously, you can see the trend, one that does not seem to have abated during this election cycle.

Much has been made, and rightfully so, of President Barack Obama’s commanding lead over Mitt Romney amongst men whose elder brothers entered the military after getting remarried in June, but what must be even more distressing to the challenger is the amount of single divorcees over 50 who Dutch-dated men named Henry and never touched a bite of their entree that prefer the president over the former governor of Massachusetts.

Interestingly, the widest gap between those who view Obama favorably and those who don’t, lay in the seam populated by shoe salesmen driving 10+-year-old Chevy Impalas with rebuilt engines, a figure almost identical to the numbers reflected by Mississippi hairdressers who have taken out restraining orders against bus drivers who are predominantly bald. That these two groups share a margin of error has to be both intimidating and disheartening for the president.

As a point of curiosity, one of the few demographic groups in which Romney’s approval rating is higher than his favorability rating is among seniors living at home who have lost significantly more of their hearing than their teeth. By comparison, 66 percent of seniors in care facilities who suffer from shingles and a history of plantar fasciitis harbor diametrically opposed opinions. Pollsters are still trying to figure out what to make of that.

A seemingly insurmountable hill the president needs to climb lies amongst crotchety old Wyoming heart- transplant recipients with daughters who could bite your head off in a minute. Similar obstacles appear in the numbers of home gardeners whose corn crop has been decimated in the last five years by rootworm beetles, and left-handed tax accountants who refuse to drive in the dark. So, as you can see, it is becoming increasingly apparent which campaign has the upper hand right now. But whether or not they can keep this momentum churning is anybody’s guess.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Remember way back when his own staffer said Mitt Romney had the convictions of an Etch-A-Sketch? Well, stand back, because as we speak, the former governor of Massachusetts is being flipped over and shaken so hard the fillings in the back teeth of his whole family are starting to rattle and cascade like some great crumbling Utah Butte.

Fear not the rubble, little ones. This simply means we’re entering general election territory, so anything Mitt Romney might have said up during the primary… no longer applies. We’re beginning anew. Re-shuffling the deck. The winter of our discontent has been made glorious summer by this Son of Dork.

Bob Englehart / Hartford Courant (click to view more cartoons by Englehart)

We’re not even playing the same ballgame anymore. Fast-pitch hardball has morphed into beach volleyball before our very eyes. And the sand’s been replaced with money. Unlike the previous six months, the object is no longer about how hard you hit the ball, rather how long it stays in the air. On your side of the net. You may recall this from pre-video game childhood as Keep Away.

A Republican primary is consumed with hard right angles. No quarter asked for, no quarter given. The general election is much more soft focus. Nice, round, spongy contours. Less muscular retorts, more sly evasions. Gauze is being spread over the lens and next comes the two fingers of Vaseline. Best keep a towel handy.

Already the severely conservative former governor has turned into a moderate kind of a regular guy. Mr. Hyde sunk behind the lab island and Dr. Jeckyll rose to walk forward with an outreached hand. Mister “It’s okay to call Susan Fluke a slut” is now the soul of Chivalry.

And the “War on Women” was instigated by Obama. Never mind the hundreds of bills written and enacted across the country restricting the rights of women, wholeheartedly endorsed by the candidate. Never mind his previous statements on Planned Parenthood and birth control. Never mind he thinks Lilly Ledbetter is an affliction of his youth successfully repressed.

All that silly suffragette bashing has been offset by a single Democrat suggesting Ann Romney might not be qualified to be her husband’s economic strategist since she spent her working life running a tycoon’s household. Maybe Alice from the Brady Bunch shouldn’t be Secretary of the Treasury.

The outcry was so loud a million apple pies shook off of shelves and the president of the United States got tangled in a War on Moms Web. Was this an exceptionally sticky birthday gift to a two-Cadillacked woman or what?

Apparently the presumptive nominee is taking a page straight out of the Karl Rove Handbook and plans to run one of those “I know you are, but what am I” campaigns. Later to be partnered with the auspicious “I am rubber, you are glue” ploy.

Republicans love this third-grade playground strategy. You indict the other guy for exactly what you’re guilty of. Go back to 2004, when a borderline deserter successfully accused a war hero of being a traitor. The theory being: If you can’t convince the people, confuse them. As the right is so fond of preaching: There’s a fine line between educated and confused.

It’s only a matter of time before the challenger accuses the incumbent of being a fat -at tool of Wall Street. Totally out of touch with normal people. Belongs to a funny religion. With a long history of extreme insensitivity to dogs. And he has cooties.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand- up performances. Or willdurst.com. 

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. 

Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.” 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Some small-minded pundits are guaranteed to grouchily opine this is neither the time nor the place to be re-circulating unfounded conspiracy theories. Then again, mightn’t it be more imprudent to ignore the latest rumors and dark mutterings concerning something as important as the nomination of a presidential candidate? Of course we’re talking about the uncanny similarities between the 2012 Republican primary race and a game of “Angry Birds.”

Bob Englehart / Hartford Courant (click to view more cartoons by Englehart)

The skeptical amongst you will be tempted to dismiss this subject as the lunatic ravings of a recently returned passenger from an extended trans-Canadian vacation on the bourbon train, but there is more here than meets the eye. First off: You’d have to be a hermit living in the darkest recesses of a Sonoran desert zinc mine not to be aware of the popular multi-platform phenomenon that is “Angry Birds.” And how many are aware of the 2012 Republican primary race? Well, perhaps not as many, but still way up there.

The two activities share several basic characteristics: both are infuriatingly frustrating, defy physics and logic as we know them, and can instantly turn into terminally addictive pastimes that many experts consider a leading cause to loss of both sanity and productivity in America today.

The object of “Angry Birds” is to use a slingshot to fling various flightless birds at flimsy houses built by egg-thieving green pigs. The object of the 2012 Republican primary race is, well, pretty much the same thing: to toss accusations and blame at the White House in order to steal independents from the Democrats. All while emitting unintelligible screeches, squeals and shrieks.

Each angry bird possesses unique powers and skills. As do the Republican candidates. The weakest bird is a little red one that squawks a lot but doesn’t affect much of anything. That, of course, would be Ron Paul. Another bird in your arsenal is the yellow one that can break through load-bearing walls. Obviously, Herman Cain. There’s the weird green bird that has sort of a boomerang action, aping almost perfectly the parabolic arc that is Donald Trump’s coif.

Can’t forget the big, lumpy white bird that drops exploding eggs, which would be — who else — Michele Bachmann. And the little, blue bird that splits into three little, blue birds at the touch of the screen? Got to be the Texas king of multiple personalities known for disintegrating on television, Rick Perry.

There’s a big, red bird with all the subtlety of a of a broken rock formation whose only ability is to knock down everything unlucky enough to be in its path. Newt Gingrich, right? Bet you had that one. And the bird that is not a bird at all, but more of a bomb with an extremely short fuse, which could not be confused with anybody other than Rick Santorum.

And finally, in both instances, when you can’t win using strategy and skill, you’re allowed to cheat, legally. In the game “Angry Birds,” for the right price you can utilize a feature called “Mighty Eagle.” This special-order bird pummels your intended target to bits, but you have to pay a little extra. Exactly like how Mitt Romney won Florida and Michigan and Wisconsin. Next week, we’ll investigate the eerie resemblance between the Supreme Court and “Doodle Jump.”

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Every Tuesday — Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. This Saturday, April 14 — Town Hall Theatre Company. Lafayette, Calif. Thtc.org.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Let us talk of many things, of Cabbages and Kings. Of Ultimate Arbiters. The Court of Last Resort. SCOTUS. The judicial graveyard where appealers go to die. The Supreme Court of the United States, which reluctantly deigned to hear testimony on a subject so obviously beneath them, it was an effort to keep their left eyes open: Obama Care.

Due to the rarified air of the highest court in the land, the arguments were solemn, dignified and incisive. “Obama Care Sucks!” “Does not.” “Does So.” “Does Not.” Like that, only in elevated lawyer language.

R.J. Matson / St. Louis Post-Dispatch (click to view more cartoons by Matson)

The Supremes, made up of six Catholics and three Jews — and doesn’t that sound like the dance card at a KKK Lawn Burning Jamboree — agreed to stoop from their lofty perch to consider the constitutionality of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. And to that purpose they carved six whole hours from their busy docket. The equivalent of eight episodes of “American Idol,” without commercials. And no Steven Tyler, so they got that going for them.

Justice Antonin Scalia was frustrated: “Do you expect us to go through each part of this law?” Of course not. That’s why they call them briefs. The Act, as rammed through a Democratic Congress, is 2400 pages long. Or 2700. They’re still not sure. Shouldn’t they be sure? By now? A lot of stuff can happen in 300 pages. We’ve all read Harry Potter.

For some odd reason, vegetables were referenced. Repeatedly. Scalia facetiously asked: “Everybody has to buy food… therefore you can make people buy broccoli?” Hmm. Seems to possess an unhealthy fixation with broccoli, a member of the cabbage family, mentioning it eight times. The traumatic result of a pre-adolescent dinner revolt?

The thing is, Tony, if you don’t buy broccoli, my grocery bill doesn’t go up. Stores don’t offer differing prices for rich people broccoli and poor people broccoli. And you won’t ever be prevented from buying broccoli because you got a weird looking oyster in your cart.

Needless to say, everybody on the Court has health care. As well they should. As well we all should. They are going to need it, because anybody trying to slog through this much Congressional gobbledygook better have a large supply of prescription drugs on hand. Perhaps a raid on your pig with wings’ Oxycontin stash is in the cards?

Meanwhile, the nation waits on surgical pins and sealing wax needles for the conclusion of these nine cranky, berobed millionaires. And just exactly how does a judge become a millionaire — speaking fees? Wouldn’t that disqualify Scalia’s ventriloquist dummy, Clarence Thomas?

Say the courtly immortals do strike down the individual mandate. Do they leave managed crumbs and pieces intact? Including the elimination of denial of coverage and pre-existing conditions? Or do we call it a wash and head back to Go and start all over? Do not collect $200. And put that IUD down, right now, missy.

Most expect the ruling to fall into the traditional Liberal-Conservative 4-4 split, with a single swing vote adjudicating. In other words, the future of American health care depends which side of the bed Justice Anthony Kennedy wakes up, on Decision Day. We might want to get this guy a date. Anything to put him in a good mood. Something healthy to raise his metabolism: like a nice roasted vegetable plate. A little bit of cabbage and lots of broccoli.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

No. It’s not over. Well, okay, it’s kind of over. But the Republican nomination is not totally-otally over. As it very well should be. How over? So over, the fat lady not only sang, she should be back in her hotel room kicking off her shoes easing into a recliner with the remote in one hand and digging deep into a three-pound box of marzipan with the other. Yes, that over.

Cam Cardow / Ottawa Citizen (click to view more cartoons by Cardow)

Could have nailed this puppy to the headboard a month ago, but after every sledgehammer-type primary door slam, Team Romney somehow manages to stumble in bright media glare on dead-flat asphalt, ripping knees out of focus group-approved, perfectly faded jeans, to lay bleeding on the tarmac.

First it was “likes to be able to fire people,” then “not concerned about the very poor.” Yeah, we kind of knew that. But now all those allusions to the front runner being a distant android or impassive cyborg or corporatized zombie have been shelved because one of his own staffers offered up a more perfect crystallization: the “Etch-A-Sketch” candidate. The major difference being the child’s toy works via magnetism, a concept that continues to elude the former Governor of Massachusetts.

Hard to imagine a worse, more apt analogy. Gumby, perhaps. Yo-Yo Man. Slip and Slide. Speak and Spell. Silly String. Chutes and Ladders. Mister Potato Head. No, wait. That’s Newt. Funny thing is, Bain Capital owns Toys R Us, so Mitt will actually make money off his opponents’ frenzied press-conference accessorizings. Never let a little thing like fraudulence get in the way of profit, eh Mitt? Truly, you are a malleably nimble free-marketeer.

Due to his chronic electile dysfunctionalism, Romney must accept responsibility for imbuing this race with its semblance of contest. In Fits and Spurts, and other proud Southern states. Every time a new contender pops up, however, the Super PAC country club types at Romney Inc. immediately conspire to pummel Candidate X with such a tsunami of negative ads that before long, Candidate X’s own family harbors misgivings about lunching with the kids. “If uncle touches you in a bad place, use the whistle.”

Outspent 11 to 1 in Florida, Newt Gingrich provided the initial target of a patented Romney Inc. Airwave Carpet-Bombingâ„¢. Now, fast forward, first to Michigan, and again to Illinois, with the victim named Rick Santorum; who continues to ooze from self-inflicted palm wounds, vainly praying that devout outrage can surmount pockets deeper than the Mariana Trench.

Mitt hasn’t lost this nomination. Yet. But neither is he winning. His Super PAC is buying it for him like a dented TV console at an Everything For A Dollar Store year-end sale. This is all about money. Recent election results and pure motivation of his cadre of corporate cronies. Romney Inc. realizes fortunes can be exponentially multiplied if the government gets out of the taxation and regulation business. So, that’s the plan, man.

And, as we all know, it takes money to make money. Money talks and other stuff walks. Money makes the world go round, and maybe money can’t buy you happiness, but it looks more and more like it can buy Romney Inc. top slot on the 2012 Republican presidential ticket. And once that happens, the Etch A Sketch will be turned over and severely shaken with a dizzy base profoundly unstirred.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Don’t forget Acme Comedy Club. Minneapolis. March 28-31. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Not easy being a Muppet. Referring to Greg Smith, formerly of Goldman Sachs, who wrote an op-ed in The New York Times about getting the hell out of Dodge, due to his company’s relentlessly spiraling moral depravity. According to Smith, associates are encouraged to pursue profit above all else, and that includes ripping out the eyeballs of their own billion-dollar clients at the same time they mockingly scorn them as Muppets.

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A complete shocker — big-time brokerage firm with little or no conscience. My God. What next? High school prom parties where beer is served? Charlie Sheen coming to, on the floor of a Vegas hotel after noon? Drive-through food that tastes like hot, damp, glued-together bar coasters? Mitt Romney making his own robocalls?

Romney loves to hype his history as a private equity investment banker, so it’s not difficult to imagine him as another of the sucking pods on a waving tentacle of the vampire squid. Wrapped so tightly in the “Me First,” and “Success at any Cost” culture that he squeaks money when he moves. A sound that surely acts as a predatory mating call.

We’re all Muppets to him. On a daily basis Mr. Bain Capital will say or do whatever he thinks might possibly help on the campaign trail. “Pro-choice, I got your pro-choice. Oh wait, not pro-choice; well, then neither am I.” “What happens in the sanctity of one’s own bedroom is nobody’s business. Oh, Yes It Is!” Surprised every time he’s not photographed wearing one of those whiplash neck braces from the twisting and turning necessary to cover his wide panoply of paradoxical convictions.

Recently, this shape shifter comically sucked up to the South, pretending to like cheesy grits. Mitt, nothing personal, but if ever there were a non-cheesy grits-eating kind of a dude, it’s you. Even while referring to your NASCAR- and NFL-owner buddies, you still don’t have a song in your heart. Probably consider them nothing more than slightly better constructed sock puppets. More realistic button eyes.

That’s it, isn’t it? We’re all annoying obstacles to be overcome in order to better provide for your family. Who would be well advised not to get too comfortable, if there is anything to be learned from the fate of your valiant Irish setter,Seamus. Is that going to be your solution to everything: hose us down?

The Politicrats even have a name for our particular kind of Muppetism; they call us Low-Information Voters. People not paying too close attention. The ones that pretty much believe every ounce of slop our leaders shovel at us while greedy fingers fiddle at our orbital sockets.

Consider the 50 percent of Republicans in Mississippi and 45 percent in Alabama who still believe President Obama is a Muslim. While the hard-of-hearing think he’s muslin, a loosely woven cotton fabric.

Maybe that’s the ultimate goal of Republican kingmakers like the Koch Brothers. Get rid of the messy, unpredictable human element and create their own Muppet mouthpiece. Fold a spool of muslin into a head-shaped ball, stick a hand up it, and have it say exactly what they think we Low-Information Voters, LIVers, want to hear. Or did they already do that and call it… Rush Limbaugh.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Don’t forget “Elect to Laugh!” at The Marsh San Francisco. Every Tuesday. 415.826.5750; themarsh.org. Special $10 tickets. Use code “vote.”

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

And now your eagerly awaited Super Tuesday Report. Named for the quantity of contests and not the quality of participants. Perhaps it would be more apt to say Not-So-Super Tuesday Report. More of a Frenetic and Confusing but Ultimately Unsatisfying with a Slight Aftertaste of Desperation Tuesday Report.

The biggest complaint is lack of resolution. No dragons slain. No damsels rescued. Not even a castle breached. Although there was that bit of swordplay in Ohio. And you can never discount the romantic poetry that is a Rick Santorum victory celebration in Steubenville.

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

The night reverberated with echoes of a Democratic affair rather than a Republican one because there was something for everyone. Très egalitarian. “We’re all winners here.” Mitt Romney took six states, Rick Santorum three and that Energizer Bunny, Newt Gingrich, won his home stomping grounds of Georgia.

Ron Paul reportedly is still running, but nobody is sure how or why. The Texan doctor just quietly rolls along racking up his regular 15 percent, clogging up the bottom of the pack. This time around in the four-man race, it was three seconds, three thirds and four fourth- place finishes. If he were a horse, vets would be whispering about euthanasia.

Santorum would love to see Gingrich drop out in order to isolate Romney, but Newt refuses to wilt. It’s that old sports aphorism: “You can’t stop him, all you can do is hope to contain him. And the Newtster seems to be contained. In the Southeast. Perhaps the Centers for Disease Control had something to do with it.

Meanwhile, Team Romney’s frustration is bubbling up like a 3:00 a.m. street burrito. They’ve resorted to trumpeting their candidate’s inevitability. Wow. Inevitability. What’s that? Some Borg thing? “Resistance is futile.” Sounds like the fifth and final stage of grief. “Oh, all right. I guess. Why not? Go Mitt.” Let’s see. Who was the last candidate that flaunted an air of inevitability? Oh, that’s right, Hillary Clinton. Who, you got to admit, ended up with a halfway decent job.

Some folks maintain this extended process is making the Mittmeister a better candidate. But the more he has to back-pedal to catch the spiraling nomination, the less time there is to build momentum for the general sprint downfield. Not good news for a candidate with few blockers and his propensity for fumbling.

All Mitt Romney has been doing for five years is training to run for president. How much better can he get at this? Pretty sure his learning curve has used up all its bendy parts. During his victory speech in Boston, Romney promised “real change.” And you got to admit, the man has a huge amount of experience, particularly considering his own policies.

So the stretch run to 1,144 delegates continues, and the track moves on to Mississippi and Alabama where Newt’s half-price-gas message is expected to resonate with what are now being euphemistically called “Low-Information Voters.” Says so right there in the Constitution: Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness and Cheap Unleaded.

They don’t call it Super Tuesday for nothing. No more shall we see that multitude of races in this edition of the Political Breeder’s Cup. And while Mitt Romney has his hands looped in momentum’s reins, he’s down to one last home-state flower blanket to drape across his withers.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Elect to Laugh! at the Marsh San Francisco. This Tuesday: Big Press Opening. 415.826.5750 themarsh.org. Special $10 tickets. Use code “vote.”

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Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Odd week for Mitt Romney. The roller-coaster candidate was on the receiving end of more mixed messages than a basement bulletin board at the United Nations on Take Your Schizophrenic to Work Day. While cruising to an easy victory in the Arizona primary he barely eeked out a squeaker in Michigan. That’s the problem with running around 12 different home states; eventually you’re bound to trip and stumble up some familiar front steps.

Rick Santorum was on track to pull off a stunning upset but couldn’t keep his self-righteous self from shooting from the lip, further fueling the contraception wars. What’s the strategy here? Get women so riled up, you can make a case to repeal the 19th Amendment? Birth Control? Really? What next: you going to play the “radio is the devil’s handiwork” card?

Rick McKee - Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

Ayatollah Rick inelegantly stated that one of JFK’s speeches made him want to throw up. Sounds like a man not placing all his Super Tuesday eggs in the great state of Massachusetts basket. I remember seeing JFK when I was a kid. On more than one occasion I heard JFK speak. JFK had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. And you, the hurling Mr. Santorum, are no JFK.

Romney complains the media make him sound like an out-of-touch rich guy. Where ever could they have gotten that idea? Maybe when he said he likes to fire people? Or went to the Daytona 500 and ridiculed spectators for wearing cheap rain ponchos? Or admitted he’s not a big NASCAR fan, but is friends with a couple team owners. You, sir, are beyond clueless. The Anti-Sherlock Holmes. Arthur Conan Doyle has to be spinning in his grave.

Romney has the hair, the money, the staff, the family, the teeth, the cheekbones, the money, the Super PACs, the perfectly faded jeans AND the money; yet, it would be hard to imagine a candidate who has engendered less enthusiasm without first contracting a tertiary case of infectious flesh-eating psoriasis.

Undoubtedly, a significant portion of the ennui he induces has to do with the irregular emergence of his alter ego, Flipper Mitt. When asked about a Senate amendment to be welded onto a transportation bill that would allow employers to pick and choose which health care mandates they wish to follow, Mitt said he was against it and went on to explain why.

An hour later though, he came back to announce he had been confused by the question and what he really meant to say was he was all in favor of the Blunt Amendment. This guy would need extra pages added to the Kama Sutra to keep track of his multitude of favored positions.

Speaking of which, Mrs. Ann Romney, who may also be known as Lovey, kiddingly seconded the notion of strangling the press for going so far as suggesting Mitt sit down for the rest of the campaign and let her do the talking. And the pants-wearing, a move that should surely vex Mr. Santorum’s holy wrath.

Note to sister wife: It’s not just the press that doesn’t like your husband. In case you haven’t noticed, a whole bunch of Republicans aren’t all that into him either. Might want to skip this one and let sleeping dogs lie. Either that or strap them to the roof of one of your couple of Caddies where they belong.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Elect to Laugh! at the Marsh. Every Tuesday. 1062 Valencia. San Francisco. 94110. 415.826.5750 themarsh.org. Special $10 tickets. Use code “vote.” 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Once again, the wacky wheel of destiny takes a mighty spin and the big red pointer lands smack on the name of the next Great White Republican Hope — Rick Santorum. The seventh or eighth candidate to vault into the lead of the GOP sweepstakes primarily because he is not Mitt Romney.

A similar phenomenon has lifted President Obama in the polls for cleverly positioning himself as not a Republican. Poor Mitt Romney, the more people see of him, the less they like him. His best chance to win this thing might be to slip into a coma for a couple months and emerge this August rested and refreshed.

Bill Day / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more Rick Santorum cartoons)

Santorum, however, is determined to make the road to Tampa a fight for the soul of America. Unlike some of his fallen compatriots, he doesn’t claim God told him to run for president. Rather, God is running with him for President. And you should know that neither of them is happy.

You could say Santorum is Old Fashioned. But it might be more precise to say he’s Old Testament. Women don’t have rights; they’re baby tunnels for Christ. Birth control is immoral, prenatal testing is depraved and gay marriage is an abomination. And anybody who campaigns in a sweater vest obviously knows a thing or two about abominations. The Ayatollah of Pennsylvania is on a mission to drag this country kicking and screaming back into the ’50s. The 1850s.

Doesn’t believe in global warming, evolution or even public education. Actually said out loud in front of people with microphones, “For the first 150 years, presidents home schooled their kids.” Yeah? So what? For the first 150 years, indoor plumbing was science fiction. For the first 150 years, Presidents were operated on by barbers whose instrument bags consisted mostly of leeches. For the first 150 years, the sheep barn and the living room were the same place. What’s your point?

Addressing contraception on CNN, Santorum’s biggest backer, Foster Friess, said back in his day, girls used aspirin as birth control. Hunh? “Yeah, they stuck it between their knees and tried to keep it there.” A bad ’50s joke. And so is Rick Santorum. Mister Rogers with rabies.

He’s so conservative, his globe is flat. To him, erosion is a radical concept endorsed by extreme environmentalists whose phony theology is not based on the Bible. He’s so old school, his idea of progress is smelting a lighter alloy for the buckle on his hat. Wants to return America to its traditional values of burning people as witches because their tomatoes grew too big.

Reciting verbatim from Chapter Four of the conservative playbook, Santorum castigated the press for picking on GOP candidates. What these guys fail to understand is that Democrats don’t waste nearly as much political capital challenging science and logic. Don’t get me wrong, Democrats still say plenty of ludiculous stuff. But not with such vehemence and regularity. Besides, they only got one Joe Biden, Republicans have at least nine.

After the last Republican primary debate, more and more people are beginning to suspect the GOP isn’t just scraping the bottom of the barrel, they’re squeezing the goo from between the staves the leaked out of the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, right. The last debate. Promises. Promises.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! at the Marsh. 1062 Valencia. San Francisco. 94110. 415.826.5750 themarsh.org. Special $10 tickets. Use code “vote” 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Don’t mean to overreact and risk boosting everybody’s blood pressure higher than opening offers on Facebook’s upcoming IPO, but this might be a halfway decent time to seek out a nice, safe steel bunker to hunker down in or behind, because it’s awards season and heavy metal statuettes are being tossed around like dimes at a county fair.

Like the flurry of resumes from the outer office of Michele Bachmann’s inner circle. As plentiful as the doubts currently circling Mitt Romney’s Super PAC. We’ve already been treated to the golden-plated spectacle of the Grammys, BAFTAs, Golden Globes, People’s Choice Awards, Machine Tool Diamond Awards, Screen Actor Guild Awards and what with the Emmys, Oscars and CMAs right around the corner, this might be the perfect opportunity to weigh in with the most consequential of them all: the 2012 Political Animal Awards. Note: No tuxes have been bruised in the creation of these awards.

Chris Weyant / The Hill (click to view more cartoons by Weyant)

BEST COSTUME: Rick Santorum for that winning period look — subtly harkening back to a young Mr. Rogers with rabies.

BAD TIMING AWARD: Tim Pawlenty, for deserting the presidential line-up before getting his own shot at leading the pack. Runner-up: Mitch Daniels.

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: Herman Cain, for continuing to blame the media for finding his fan full of feces.

THE DUMBER THAN HE ALREADY LOOKS AWARD: In an extremely competitive field, Rick Perry.

THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: For the sixth consecutive year, Donald Trump.

THE CLAUDE RAINES INVISIBLE MAN AWARD: George W. Bush.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: In a thankless role, Callista Gingrich.

THE WE CAN’T FIND A MUZZLE BIG ENOUGH AWARD: Joe Biden. May have to retire this award in his name.

BEST SCORE: Whoever bought Apple at 8.

THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD: DEMOCRATIC DIVISION: John Edwards. John Kerry. Anthony Weiner.

THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS AWARD: REPUBLICAN DIVISION: Dick Cheney. Pat Robertson. Glenn Beck.

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: Industrial Light & Magic for making Mitt Romney appear so lifelike.

BEST MAKE UP: Newt Gingrich for his very convincing Walking Dead grimace.

BEST CHOREOGRAPHY: Grover Norquist.

THE “OH MY GOD, NOT YOU AGAIN” AWARD: Whoever decided contraception made for a good election-year wedge issue.

BEST BOY: Marcus Bachmann.

BEST ANIMATION: Chris Christie.

THE OTHER MORMON MEAT AWARD: Jon Huntsman.

BEST NEWCOMER: Paul Ryan for his highly controversial script, “Roadmap for America’s Future.”

THE LUCKY IT WASN’T BITTEN OFF AWARD: Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer.

MENSA’S SMARTEST MOVE OF THE YEAR: In a huge upset, Sarah Palin picks this one up for refusing to accept another supporting role.

THE HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY AWARD: Ron Paul.

BEST ENSEMBLE IN A MUSICAL OR COMEDY: The entire Republican Party Presidential Nomination cast.

BEST ACTOR: Body of work award goes to Speaker of the House John Boehner for various portrayals as outraged defender of fiscal responsibility, obstinate party stalwart and sophisticated gentleman to whom gracious cooperation is of the highest priority and doing it all while orange.

BEST DIRECTION: The Koch Brothers.

MISDIRECTION AWARD: Newt Gingrich for his moon-base proposal. Always knew his full ambitions could never be contained by Planet Earth.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AWARD: The U.S. economy.

THE BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD: Barack Obama.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand- up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! at the Marsh, 1062 Valencia, San Francisco, 94110. 415.826.5750. themarsh.org.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

There’s something about Mitt. And whatever it is, a few folks are definitely allergic. Maybe they sense he has the same connection to humanity that a drive shaft has to bouillabaisse. Could be he’s worth more than most small Balkan nations. Might be the Mormon thing, or perhaps he just smells odd.

Nate Beeler / Washington Examiner (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

It’s almost funny. After crushing Newt Gingrich in Florida, the nomination for the Republican primary race was written off as a done deal with Romney all but handed the crown and the beaucoup bouquets reserved for winners. And by his post-election strut, you could tell the candidate thought along similar lines. Not measuring the drapes or anything, but definitely photo shopping names for inclusion on the bottom line of a bumper sticker.

But the express train to the Tampa printers derailed on the winter plains of the Midwestern states of Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri with Rick Santorum somehow swooping down to sweep all three. Having had to slap up a different wannabee front-runner every week, Romney must feel like he’s playing Whack-a-Mole with a mallet made out of yogurt-soaked cat hair clippings.

Whatever that something about Mitt is, it causes conservatives to contract the dreaded “Itchy I-Don’t-Knows,” every time they get close to walking down the aisle with the former governor from Massachusetts. It’s a rash that erupts only when Willard’s name tops the national polls. A serious knee-buckling case of buyer’s remorse. Of course, the clueless plastic smile of an aged Ken doll hasn’t acted as a sufficient antidote either.

The tone-deaf man with the tin ear grinningly claimed he was not concerned about “the very poor.” As Randy Jackson might say, “A bit pitchy, dawg.” The problem is, most normal humans suspect Romney’s definition of “very poor” consists of anybody without a pastry chef permanently on call. The very next day, apparently concerned that his post-elitist message wasn’t being taken seriously, he hugged Donald Trump. Which would be terrific if he were running for Poster Child of the 1%.

Someone on his staff has to tell the guy he already resembles a police sketch artist rendering of a white-collar criminal. The MBA voted Most Likely to be Perp-Walked up a Courthouse Steps with a Trench Coat Draped over his Handcuffs. Looks more like Gordon Gekko than Michael Douglas does. Go on Mitt. Say it. “Greed is good.” Feel better now?

The only people who can relate to this guy are country club chaps with a penchant for calling their wives “Lovey.” He wasn’t groomed, he was assembled out of an Ikea box. “One White Male Politician; Standard.”

Romney won Florida by airing 12,000 ads compared to Gingrich’s 300, and doing the same to Rick Santorum should be easier than pudding on a stick, since the former Pennsylvania senator is financing his campaign mostly through bake sales and scrounging under couch cushions.

Santorum actually brags about running such a low-key campaign he flies middle seats on United. We’re supposed to entrust the presidency to a guy who can’t snag a decent travel agent?

Something else about Mitt is he’s an absolute blooming chameleon. And over the next couple of weeks, expect to be treated to the Borg Candidate assimilating Santorum’s passion for fighting the culture wars with the megaphone turned up to LOUD. Who knows, Mitt could well decide to go all-in. And start wearing sweater vests.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! at the Marsh. 1062 Valencia. San Francisco. 94110. 415.826.5750. themarsh.org.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

It’s been more exciting than a zip-line over crocodile-infested streams watching the Republican reality TV show currently playing across the nation. Specifically talking about their grueling marathon gladiator contest where the last person voted off the island becomes Red American Idol and wins the opportunity to oppose Barack Obama in the grudge match this fall, not to mention grab all the money they can from the Koch Brothers’ secret PAC account money machine. Let’s Make a Deal.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

This entertaining miniseries has proven to be a huge ratings blockbuster. But like a typical J.J. Abrams production, murky and confusing. What with Osama bin Laden dead and the steady improvement of the economy, the GOP plot line has meandered more than a scampering toddler in the horse barns of the North Dakota State Fair. Think third year of Twin Peaks. And make it foggy.

Another stumbling block has been the format. What exactly is this thing? It sure ain’t the Super Bowl. A game show, a mockumentary, or a sit-com sponsored by Planters to capitalize on all the mixed nuts involved? Perhaps Procter & Gamble should throw their name onto the proceedings because of how deep we’ve entered soap opera territory.

Think about it. Lots of talk. Not much action. Consider the story threads to which we’ve been treated to so far. Accusations of sexual harassment. Money hidden in off-shore accounts. Extramarital affairs. Closeted husbands. Open Marriages. Gaffes and feuds and quarrels and family discord. Keep waiting for an evil twin to show up. Although, you could say Rick Perry was George Bush’s evil twin. Okay, eviler twin.

Michele Bachmann provided some comic relief, always just a bit off. Went to New Hampshire and talked about how excited she was to be where the “Shot Heard ‘Round the World” was fired, but that was Concord, Mass., 70 miles away. Close but no cigar. Then in Iowa she said, “It’s great to be here in the birthplace of John Wayne,” but the town in which she was speaking had once been the home of John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer. Demonstrating how sometimes close, can be so very far away.

In flashbacks, we’ve seen the “disputed” account of how Newt Gingrich presented his first wife with divorce papers while recovering from cervical cancer surgery: then left his second wife after she was diagnosed with MS. Makes you wonder how sick America has to get before he leaves us alone? Cough. Cough.

Mitt Romney has locked down the billionaire matriarch villain role, announcing he is not concerned about “the very poor.” Problem is, the rest of the cast suspect his definition of “the very poor” consists of anybody without a permanent pastry chef on staff. Then to drive the point home, the very next day he publicly hugged Donald Trump. Perhaps a bromance sub-plot spinoff?

One thing about Mitt, he’s definitely thrown a whole “Upstairs, Downstairs” spin onto the proceedings. Which presumably puts Ron Paul in the kitchen as the muttering maid. And Rick Santorum as the sneaky chauffer out by the garage pretending to wash one of the Bentleys. Watch out, Mrs. Romney!

Unfortunately, we’ve already lost a lot of really good characters; but then again, in soap operas, simply because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t rejoin the narrative. Maybe at the convention in August, Mike Huckabee will emerge from his Tampa hotel shower and like the eighth season of “Dallas,” we’ll realize this whole last year was nothing but a dream.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand- up performances. Or willdurst.com. Starting February 7, every Tuesday: Elect to Laugh! at the Marsh. 1062 Valencia, San Francisco, 415.826.5750, themarsh.org.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

As rare and mythical as the unicorn, it too cavorts amongst the clouds with double rainbows birthing from its unfathomable depths. But instead of worshipful 12-year-old girls, it is conservative politicians who tack drawings of this inamorata on walls above their beds. We’re talking about the legendary… Mainstream.

The message is relatively straightforward. Inside the Mainstream, you will rub elbows with everything that is good and right and true and just about America. Families have 2.4 children, none of whom sport barbed wire piercings or dragon-neck tattoos or ever talk smack back. Lawns are broad and green and crabgrass-free. And children are cheerfully shuttled to school in orderly processions of grey and beige Minivans. The place to be.

Patrick Chappatte / International Herald Tribune (click to view more cartoons by Chappatte)

Outside the Mainstream, red turbo hybrids prowl discordantly with hip hop-infused rock and roll blasting from aftermarket Korean stereo systems. Uncomfortable shoe choices are flaunted by pregnant teenage girls, while Steve Jobs’ subversive acolytes encourage impressionable minds to “think differently,” actively disrupting the carefully nurtured herd mentality. The place to flee.

Dedication to Mainstream purity extends to within the holy liquid circle as well. Newton Leroy Gingrich castigated Ron Paul for being “totally outside the Mainstream of every decent American.” And Ron Paul is a medical doctor. Apparently the Coast Guard patrolling the Mainstream is ever vigilant.

Then Willard Mitt Romney went and said pretty much exactly the same thing about Newt, which must mean he considers poor Dr. Paul dying of thirst two counties away in some desert of his own moistureless making. And President Obama? Forget about it. He can’t even see the hint of a whisper of a shadow of dampness due to the curvature of the earth.

The obvious intention of Team Romney is to plant Mitt in the soft squishy loam as the sole candidate an ordinary person could expect to meet up with in the middle of the flood plains of normalcy. Preserving the Mainstream as a very exclusive territory. A restricted tributary complete with velvet rope and a couple of hulking bouncers protecting it from the dinghies of the hoi polloi. Sort of a watery, gated community. Behind which the governor seems plenty comfortable.

Only proper, God-fearing, decent Americans are allowed to soak in the aqueous chestnut that is the Mainstream. The rest of us boundary-crossing reprobates are prohibited from enjoying the divine waters and directed to spend summer afternoons splashing each other in shallow muddy puddles.

Of course, even to those who can afford the initiation fee, recent responses from Republican debate audiences indicate that voyaging down the Mainstream is a very expensive way to travel. Exacting heavy-duty psychic dues.

First, crowds booed a gay soldier, then cheered the death of an unfortunate who couldn’t afford health insurance, and finally leapt to their feet to applaud one of the grandstanding creek-side tide surfers who ridiculed food stamp recipients.

If loss of your moral compass is a necessary qualification for luxuriating in the surging current of the Mainstream, more than a few of us will be happy to view the entire proceedings lounging high on the embankment. Besides, we have better picnic spreads.

And for those who do decide to soak in the narrow-minded current, you might want to invest in a heated wetsuit, because that menacing, red-tide torrent of the Mainstream looks to be mighty cold.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand- up performances. Or willdurst.com. Or don’t.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

What you need to play:

Four taxpayers: One white, Wall Street type in full suit and yellow power tie (MBA Guy); two ordinary folks sporting jeans, one in blue work shirt, other in white shirt (the Jeans); and one person wearing clothes that look like they were used for floor covering at a tire-changing shop for a minimum of three months, with belt, shoelaces, socks and underwear confiscated (Rags). Except for MBA Guy, game is non-gender or race specific.

Taylor Jones / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Jones)

One large screen HDTV tuned to speech. 42-inch or larger. Game played behind coffee table three feet away.

One regulation shot glass per person. Everybody brings own, placing it on coffee table. MBA Guy gets first choice among assembled. White shirt picks next, then blue shirt. MBA Guy takes last shot glass as well, and Rags either rents it from him, finds a replacement or drinks out of own cupped hands.

Everybody antes up 20 bucks. Cash. Except MBA Guy, who tosses in hand-made voucher. Preferably crayon.

Two packages Lit’l Smokies in bowl with favorite BBQ sauce.

One package round toothpicks.

One bottle small-batch Kentucky bourbon.

Two six-packs beer apiece. Rags gets whatever is on sale, i.e. Heileman’s Old Style Ice Dry Light. MBA Guy gets choice of import. The Jeans get domestic, and must go to store to purchase and carry provisions.

Rules of the game:

1. As soon as president says “State of the Union is good, but could be better,” last person to eat three Lit’l Smokies on toothpicks has to drink three shots of beer.

2. Every time Barack H. Obama says “compromise,” first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking two shot glasses of beer.

3. If either Vice President Biden or House Speaker Boehner gets caught napping on camera, last person to sing “Wake Up, Little Susie” drinks four shots of beer.

4. Whenever Mr. Obama says word “jobs,” everybody drinks shot of beer. If he hits 10, throw used toothpicks at TV and first to stick one within outline of his face doesn’t have to drink two shots of bourbon.

5. If Chief Executive winks and/or points at Michelle, all four players blow kisses. Drink shot of beer for every general’s star sitting within two seats of First Lady.

6. When Obama speaks about sacrifices made by our brave troops, last one to leap to attention and salute must drink shots of beer for entire duration of standing ovation.

7. Every time Barack uses phrase “offshore banking accounts,” clasp a Lit’l Smokie between the teeth and swordfight others. Losers drink 3 shots of beer and eat sausages. Winner can spit his out.

8. Whenever Obama makes reference to faith getting him through tough times, last person to fall to knees and shout “Hallelujah!” drinks shot of bourbon.

9. If president relates touching heartfelt story of somebody denied health care, Rags gets to kick everybody else once. Twice, if subject of anecdote is in audience. Three times, if he/she is sitting next to astronaut.

10. When Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship, last person to pretend to faint drinks three shots of beer.

Extras:

Before speech, everyone writes down who they think is giving Republican response. Anybody who correctly identifies person doesn’t have to watch.

MBA Guy takes home all the money and the Jeans pay off voucher.

Leftover bourbon, beer and Lit’l Smokies go home with Rags after he/she washes dishes in front of TV.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Or don’t. 

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Surely you’re longing to hear some scathingly humorous remarks concerning the New Hampshire primary. And it would be our honor to relate a few pithily amusing jibes about 2012′s primary Primary. Only, sorry. Not going to happen. Can’t be done. N.H. is so… over and done with. Day before yesterday. Such archaic news, you probably read about it in some ancient medium like a broadsheet gazette with sepia-toned daguerreotypes.

Taylor Jones / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Jones)

Oh sure, in the distant future, historians may well remark upon Willard Mitt Romney’s romp. And what a righteous romp it was. With the grimacing refugee from Madame Tussaud’s Wax Works avenging his 2008 defeat to John McCain by beating the rest of the field like a 4-year-old with a dime-store drum on Christmas morning to become the first Republican non-incumbent to sweep both the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary. And that plus 2 and a half bucks gets you a cup of coffee.

Alas, the political circus has long since moved on. Some of the camps were gone pre-already. Didn’t even bother to hang around Manchester for the actual count and amount, so intent were they to seek their second wind in the warmth of the southern primary action in South Carolina on the 21st and Florida 10 days later.

Hustling down, over their shoulders, the back of the pack halfheartedly tried to dismiss the former Massachusetts Governor’s triumph in the Granite State as a “Isn’t it Nice to See the Boy Next Door Doing so Well” kind of neighborly thing. But that proved a minor distraction and everyone knows the stakes for the final Anybody-But-Mitt tent need to pitched now. Today. If not sooner. Deep into the fertile soil of the Palmetto State.

This Southern-Fried Maginot Line is the last, best chance to jump on the Mittmeister and the whole B-Team is lacing up their steel-toed boots and pounding nails into their soles as we speak. South Carolina is where Bush derailed McCain in 2000; and to say the above-the-belt tactics were outnumbered by those below the belt is both accurate and lame.

To buttress his own personal Alamo, Newt Gingrich picked up $5 million from a single donor, to be funneled directly into ads to do to Romney what Romney did to him in Iowa. Cover your eyes, kids: this won’t be pretty. The guy who famously bragged, “I like to fire people,” Mr. Bain Capital, is about to bump up against an entire slate of candidates — not to mention a state — that feels the same way.

Not Newt himself, but Newt’s Super PAC, which has absolutely no connection to Newt. None. Whatsoever. At all. Totally separate entity. Super PAC. Such a guy thing. “My Super PAC is bigger than your Super PAC.” Super PAC envy. And the candidate with the biggest Super PAC gets the girl.

Rick Perry has joined Gingrich in running a series of grisly ads assailing the front-runner as a vulture capitalist; guaranteed to rile Willard up so bad his talons will be itching for more carrion. And no, I’m not talking about Rick Santorum. The ads are so vicious that if the Barack Obama Re-election Campaign possessed an ounce of common human decency, they’d chip in a couple bucks. Then again, maybe they are.

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com.

Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Q. A little help here. Exactly what are the Iowa Caucuses? 

A. The Iowa Caucuses is a method of choosing a presidential nominee. Held every four years. Usually in Iowa.

Q. Why is it so important?

A. Number one in the batting order. Opening stanza of an epic poem. The recorded preamble to the Republican Nomination Symphony is over, and the citizen orchestra is about to play.

Q. What? 

A. Gentlemen, start your engines.

Brian Fairrington / Cagle Cartoons (click to view all our Iowa cartoons)

Q. What precisely happens? 

A. Nobody knows. The process is sort of like musical chairs without the chairs. And no music.

Q. How did all this get started?

A. It began with early Iowans throwing small, round runic stones into hollowed-out stumps, which were placed atop huge cast iron kettles brimming with pig entrails — then the omens interpreted by a circle of community elders wearing ceremonial necklaces of hand-carved, stringed chestnuts.

Q. And when did it transform into the current method? 

A. Actually, it’s still pretty much the same.

Q. How is a caucus different than a primary?

A. At least the Republicans use a secret ballot to vote. Democrats don’t vote, they attend. Then huddle with like minded others in designated candidate corners, but if not enough people join your posse, your group is disbanded and everybody wanders around in search of a second or third choice. So supporters who corner the breath mint and deodorant market hold a huge advantage.

Q. Might there be worse ways in choosing a candidate than picking the one with the best smelling supporters?

A. Oh, yes, indeed. Look at North Korea.

Q. So, you are allowed to change your vote?

A. No. Unless you plan to vote for Jon Huntsman. Then you are encouraged to.

Q. My good buddy Jon. How’s he doing these days?

A. Little green around the gills. Polling around 1 percent with a margin of error of 4 percent. So he could very well end up owing Iowa a couple delegates.

Q. How believable are the polls? 

A. Don’t bet the farm. Iowans are a fierce, stubborn people. They don’t call them Buckeyes or Hawkeyes or Hoosiers or whatever they call them for nothing you know.

Q. What are you saying? 

A. That folks in Iowa love to confound conventional wisdom by throwing in with the underdog. Can we say Ron Paul in a squeaker?

Q. Why Iowa? 

A. Why not Iowa?

Q. No, I mean why does a state that Minnesotans make fun of, get to go first? 

A. Who do you want to go first: Louisiana? California? Texas? American Samoa?

Q. Your point being? 

A. At least Iowa is representative.

Q. Of white people.

A. In the form of a question, please.

Q. Okay, how diverse is Iowa?

A. White, white, white, white, white, white, white. Whiter than a “Justin Bieber Christmas in Norway Special.” Mashed potatoes on paper plates with a side of cauliflower white.

Q. And that’s representative?

A. Of Republicans.

Q. Point taken. Who can participate?

A. Anybody who pre-registers as a Republican. And brings snacks.

Q. Does it cost anything to participate?

A. Just the tiniest piece of your soul.

Q. How are caucuses better than primaries?

A. Well, they’re a whole lot more fun to say. Try it in a sentence: “I slipped on the ice and broke my caucuses.”

Q. What happens in Iowa on January 4 when the circus packs up and moves to New Hampshire? 

A. Iowa radio stations will stop screaming about treason and hypocrisy and go back to hog futures and herbicidal ads; the way God intended.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand- up performances such as the finale of the XIXth annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Jan 1, at the 142 Throckmorton Theatre — 142throckmortontheatre.com — Mill Valley, Calif. 415.383.9600.

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Bah humbug, everybody. And I imagine that sentiment is being echoed by more than a few of you overly familiar with the soft, dark underbelly of this “happiest time of the year.” Those of us who have been washed prone by the gushing holiday faucet of red and green greed and are dreading the repurposed solstice celebration as it drips down the gutter of melancholy, revealing the regurgitated fruitcake of gloom and despair. Whoa. Wow. Sorry about that.

Brian Fairrington / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more cartoons by Fairrington)

Then again; what the hell. Pass a cookie and another glass of nog and go easy on the nutmeg and heavy on the brandy, because this warm, comforting holly jolly Xmas spirit needs be relit. And to honor all you brave and steadfast consumers setting new records in your patriotic quest to sink heavily into debt to honor the birth of that Jewish hippie kid; we hope to rectify the sins of omission perpetrated by the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit by offering up to the most deserving of us — this annual scathingly incisive, yet always trenchant, WILL DURST’S 2011 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

For Newt Gingrich: who admits he says anything that flies into his head: a tiny, rabid West African Hummingbird.

For Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: the AFL- CIO’s Organizer of the Year Award.

For the East Coast: who whimpered for weeks after both a small earthquake and a slight brushing from a near hurricane: a 12-month supply of chill pills.

For American Philatelists: some glue for their Barack Obama stamps that won’t stick to anything; and glossy coating for the one honoring Mitt Romney, which inexplicably causes people to spit on the wrong side.

For Joe Biden: a satellite phone that works from the depths of whatever trench he’s going to be sent for the next year.

For Speaker of the House John Boehner: a gift certificate to Kaiser Permanente, good for one surgical procedure to remove that unsightly Tea Party growth clinging to his back.

For the Penn State University Athletic Department: Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak.

For President Obama: a continuing series of ill-timed, principled stands by the Republican House.

For the Tea Party: a boatload of petards upon which they can hoist themselves.

For Barry Bonds: the pleasure of his own company for as long as he can stand it.

For the Mayans: one of those really cute “Baby Monkey Riding on a Pig” calendars for 2013.

For Sarah Palin: a series of hedges to lurk behind for the next 10 months.

For Alec Baldwin: an unlimited refillable prescription for Xanax in a carrying case suitable for travel.

For Angela Merkel and the Euro Zone: a diet book explaining how to thrive without Greece.

For Tim Cook, the new CEO of Apple: a worldwide epidemic of Jobs amnesia.

For Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Jon Huntsman, et al.: prestigious offers for deanships from various universities so they can retreat with a semblance of dignity.

For Herman Cain: his own hour-long network talk show with an all-male production staff.

For Anthony Weiner: see above.

For Grover Norquist: a one-way ticket on the clue train. Tax-deductible, of course.

For Charlie Sheen: a personal anger counselor on 24-hour call.

For Donald Trump: a stainless steel muzzle and detailed instructions on how to install it. With rivets.

And for all the rest of us: a reality TV show called Celebrity Russian Roulette starring the Kardashians. With the winner destined to become revered as… The Last Kardashian.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out more about upcoming stand-up performances such as the XIXth annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show, Dec. 26- Jan 1. 7 Cities. 7 nights. 6 comedians. 2,347 laughs. A few less in Walnut Creek. Like us on Facebook. Or willdurst.com. 

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

The mad mud-tossing between Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, the last two Republicans still standing, is quickly ramping up to levels not seen since the Agincourt catapults. The candidates and their surrogates are busy dredging up dirt with fleets of front-loaders, personally wetting it down with outraged spittle and other anatomical fluids, and it’s getting ugly out there folks. Not to mention… moist.

Jimmy Margulies / The Record (click to view more cartoons by Margulies)

The gloves are coming off and this battle of ironclads, unlike the Monitor and the Merrimack, is guaranteed to result in more self-inflicted harm than damage to the enemy. Sure, sure, other wannabees continue to circle the spotlight, but haphazardly, like September moths after repeated run-ins with a tricked-out bug zapper. Barring a second bout of primary puppy love, the race for the GOP presidential nomination is down to Weasel Boy and Plastic Man.

As usual, it all started with money. Mitt Romney stepped in doo-doo deeper than Nietzsche’s private letters to Wittgenstein when he bet Rick Perry $10,000 in a recent debate, demonstrating the same kind of connection to the middle class that a ceramic Portuguese tie-clip in the shape of a crouching gargoyle has to squid fishing. Ten grand. Apparently, to the GOP, that’s pocket change, except of course in D.C., where it’s universally recognized as two and-a-half hookers.

Newt seized on the former Massachusetts Governor’s faux pas tighter than an extra-small t-shirt on a Sumo wrestler, acting uncharacteristically all humble-like, which seemed so scarily disingenuous he couldn’t help himself and actually blushed while laughing.

A bit of unexpected blowback almost knocked the former Speaker down when Mitt Man retaliated by referencing the third Mrs. Gingrich’s half-a-million dollar tab at Tiffany’s. Which, even amongst the fabled 1-percenters, is considered to be a heck of a lot of useless sparkly crap. Makes Elizabeth Taylor’s jewel box look like a Tupperware dish in a cabinet above the sink.

The GOP is rightfully worried about the spectacle of two very wealthy men accusing each other of being filthy rich. While trading accusations of flip-flopping even though both have changed positions more often than hyperkinetic six-year-olds playing speed Twister halfway through their Halloween stash.

And there have been further charges. And further counter charges. And charges of countering the counting charges by charging counters. And back and forth it goes. “He’s zany.” “Not a real conservative.” “As trustworthy as a leaky dinghy in high seas.” “Waffles so much, syrup should be shooting out of his ears.” The byproduct being Iowa and New Hampshire television stations are raking it in while independent voters are alienated by the container ship-full.

Party regulars are starting to freak out, with the dim throbbing realization sinking in that one of these guys is destined to be their standard bearer. Dark whispers are muttered behind closed doors about Newt’s viability and Mitt’s likeability, which can both be measured in the low single digits. Baseball scores, not even football, much less basketball numbers.

Not just the presidency, we’re also beginning to hear phrases like “coat tails” and “down ballot” and other strategic buzz-words that are shorthand for “Aieieee!” Newt Romney or Mitt Gingrich. Like choosing between getting your finger caught in a car door or an elephant stepping on your foot. In this case: a couple of wild elephants. The same, only different. And not in a good way.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

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Catch Durst and the whole gang in the XIXth annual Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show. Dec. 26- Jan 1. 7 Cities. 7 nights. 6 comedians. 2,347 laughs. A few less in Walnut Creek. Like us on Facebook. Or willdurst.com. 

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Okay. You can stop vibrating like a shaved poodle duct-taped to the foul pole at Wrigley during a night game in April. It’s finally here. The eighth annual Top-10 Comedic News Stories of the Year.

Veterans, please advise the newbies this list is NOT to be confused with the Top-10 Legitimate News Stories of the Year. They are as different as three-bean chili and those flannel pajamas with the feet in them. Like strip-mining slag heaps and the director’s cut of “Zookeeper.” Wire-haired dwarf goats and metal flake, stainless-steel dinnerware. Serious stuff?

Oh my, yes, indeed, you betcha, there were plenty — truth be told, too many — grisly stories that impacted the U.S., the world and planet greater than these; but to be fair, no Kardashian references either. So, here we go with events that happened in the year of our Lord, 2011, that most lent themselves to mocking and scoffing and taunting. In amplish amounts.

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (click to view more cartoons by Cagle)

10. Wisconsin State Senate Plays Hide and Seek with Gov. Scott Walker. Indiana Democratic politicians eventually joined their Wisconsin colleagues seeking political asylum in Illinois. Yeah, like Illinois doesn’t have enough problems with politicians sitting around doing nothing.

9. The Budget Battles. Had to admire the yearlong Republican negotiating stance: “No. No. No. No. No.” What are you guys, four? Then Obama compromised. Yeah. The same way the Titanic compromised with that iceberg. The Obama Compromise. There’s an App for that. It’s called the iGiveup.

8. The Super Committee. Slower than a slug on Thorazine. Less powerful than a soggy Kleenex. Unable to compromise in a million years. As useless as a rope handle on a shovel.

7. Donald Trump Flirts with Presidency. “I want to see Barack Obama’s birth certificate.” Yeah. We want to see your DNA. First you got to prove to us that you’re a carbon-based life form. Never had a president with a comb-over. Never will.

6. Rick Perry. The candidate for those of you who could never cozy up to George Bush due to all his intellectual elitism. George Bush Lite. Which should be redundant. “Debates aren’t my strong suit.” Strong suit. Weak suit. Space suit. Leisure suit. Birthday suit. Class action suit. Debates aren’t your black socks with sandals.

5. Occupy Wall Street. Providing the entire country with the opportunity to experience Burning Man, only without any of that annoying Playa dust or art.

4. Herman Cain. His presidential run fell victim to a classic case of He Said, She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. Suspended his campaign but announced he is still accepting donations. Aren’t we all.

3. Newt Gingrich vs. Mitt Romney. The Newtster versus Mittens. One has more baggage than the first flight out of O’Hare after a freak spring blizzard, and the other has flip-flopped so often his ads should end with “I’m Mitt Romney and I both approve and disapprove of this ad.”

2. Death of Osama bin Laden. The guy collected porn, used herbal Viagra and, if you believe the videos, hogged the remote. Hate Americans? Looks like he was practicing to be one.

1. Anthony Weiner. The whole thing was his own damn fault. If he hadn’t pronounced his name like a euphemism for sausage, nobody would have cared. Could easily have gone with Whiner. Still a lousy name for a politician. Or he could have gone whole hog, “Yes, we spell it ‘W- E- I- N- E- R,’ but it’s pronounced ‘Schultz.’”

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Catch Durst being taped for a documentary film this Wednesday, Dec. 14, at George’s Niteclub in San Rafael, Calif., 842 Fourth St., 415.226.0262. georgesnightclub.com.

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Let’s take a peek behind the scenes of GOP headquarters to listen in on the coaching strategy for the little game Republicans are currently playing called, “Anybody but Romney.” Think “Whack-A-Mole” with media mallets.

“Well, here it is, boys, 2011. About time we scour the country and figure out exactly whom we should pick for our 2012 presidential nominee. It’s got to be somebody with a legitimate shot to beat that socialist incumbent. Somebody we can trust to toe the party line. But most importantly, we need someone younger than that last guy. Which won’t be hard.

Rick McKee / Augusta Chronicle (click to view more cartoons by McKee)

“So, who do we have running? Okay, okay, thank you, Mitt Romney. You can put your hand down now. Ran the Olympics? That’s great. We’ll definitely keep you in mind. Who else we got? Sarah Palin! The Rogue Thing! She just can’t help herself. Loves going off reservation. Like she did in ’08. And ever since. Unnh, then again, you know what? She’s probably busy. Somebody call Roger Ailes at Fox News and tell him to make sure she’s real busy.

“Hey, how ’bout Donald Trump? The Donald. He’s perfect. Successful businessman. High name recognition. Aerodynamic hair. Well, let’s see what he can do. Oh my god, he’s really like that. I thought it was all an act. Nobody tells me anything.

“Let’s see, who else is there? Thank you, Mitt. No, no. We haven’t forgotten you. Got you right at the top of the list. Yes, we know your first name is Willard. And the Mormon thing. Won’t be a problem. Umm, where’s that Tea Party favorite, Michele Bachmann? There she is, in Iowa, celebrating the birthplace of John Wayne Gacy. Oh dear. With her husband Marcus. Whoa. Well, no wonder she’s so opposed to gay marriage. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

“Okay. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I got an idea. Rick Perry. Governor of Texas. Worked out pretty good last time, didn’t it? He’s just like Bush with actual cattle. Let’s watch him debate. Oooh. Not going to work out this time. Umm. Umm. What about Chris Christie? Another governor. We like governors, right? Yes, Mitt. Massachusetts. Got it. Besides, Chris Christie is too big to fail. Hey, Chris! What? Oh yeah? Well, we don’t want you either!

“Wait a minute. This is going to sound crazy. Crazy like a fox. You know what I’m thinking? Herman Cain. Yes. The Pizza Guy. I know, I know. He’s a, he’s a, he’s a… lobbyist, but boy, can he command a room. Look at him with that group of women over there. Holy cow, that’s my wife. Security!

“Say, I’m a bit parched; Mitt, could you run get us some Red Bulls? Here’s a twenty. Oh, right, you’re loaded. And an MBA from Harvard. Terrific. Is he gone? Thank god. Hey, who’s that hiding under that rock? Why, it’s Newt! Newt Gingrich. Of course. An oldie but a goodie. Rescued the party from Clinton’s shadow in the early ’90s. The good news is, everybody knows him. The bad news is, yeah, everybody knows him.

“Geez, he loves to hear himself talk, doesn’t he? Well, look at it this way, if the Newtster doesn’t pan out, we can always fall back on Mister Stalwart Standby Romney. Yeah. That’s what we’ll do. Its Newt or Mitt. Or Ron Paul. No. No. No. Definitely Romney or Gingrich. Or Santorum. Say, has anybody seen Mike Huckabee lately?”

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Let me be among the first 40-foot, helium-filled balloons to kick-start our national parade of giving thanks. That’s right, we’re just about to butt heads with Turkey Holocaust Day, and to be perfectly honest, it’s about time. A little tryptophan poisoning might be the perfect prescription for these trying times.

John Cole / Scranton Times-Tribune (click to view more Thanksgiving cartoons)

Doubly comforting because this particular holiday isn’t about greasing the wheels of capitalism with the fire-hose of consumer debt like that other holiday about a month down the road, which shall remain nameless. And this one doesn’t hide under any religious robes either. It’s purely about the journey to Comfort City through the Gluttonous Woods. Food, family, friends and football. Four of the five F’s.

So, allow me to express my gratitude for the fourth Thursday of November. One of the little things that go a long, long way to making life worth living. And here are a couple other examples of what a middle-aged, round-headed political pundit bows his head and gives thanks for.

Barack Obama. Because no matter what you think of his policies, you got to admire his ability not to get involved in them.

Dick Cheney. Six heart attacks and the man still manages to go on a book tour. How does a guy without a heart have six heart attacks? It would be like Rick Perry contracting a brain tumor.

Rick Perry suffered a 53-second brain freeze during a national debate. Fifty-three seconds. It only took the San Francisco 49ers eight seconds longer to score two touchdowns last Sunday. The Niners!

Former Democratic New York Congressman Anthony Weiner, who escaped the press by entering sexual rehab. “I’m a sexual addict.” Yeah. There’s another name for that. We call it — Male. The man is simply suffering from a not-so-atypical case of Y chromosome poisoning.

Newt Gingrich for refusing to go gently into that good night. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Give it up, old man.”

Herman Cain, whose long-form, cross-country Fox News audition has exceeded all expectations. Roger Ailes must be so proud.

The Occupy Wall Streeters. The “1%” dismiss the Occupiers due to questionable hygiene. Just because you smell odd doesn’t mean your message is any less true. The fact they can’t afford Chanel No. 5 may be part of the point.

Bill Clinton, who refuses to go away. God bless him. Although, President Obama might harbor another opinion.

Michele Bachmann. Her Newsweek cover photo made her look spooky, so supporters complained they cherry-picked a creepy-looking photo on purpose. Then the magazine put the entire photo shoot up online, asking, “Which one would you have picked?” And everybody shut up.

The entire Democratic Party, for failing to realize they’re in the middle of a war. Republicans attack them with torches and pitchforks and the Democratic response is to introduce legislation to reform pitchfork safety standards.

The entire GOP, which is waging an internal war for its very soul. The GOP Soul. Short book. Put it on the shelf right next to Great Democratic Leadership Battles.

Sarah Palin. Who refuses to go away. God bless her. Although, Mitt Romney might harbor another opinion. Or two. Diametrically opposed to each other.

Pat Robertson, who called the Republican presidential field too extreme. Pat Robertson blasting his party for extremism. That’s like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan. And Charley Sheen is driving the van.

You can’t make stuff up like this. See, I’m telling you. Life is good. Thankfully yours.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The-All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

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Catch Durst back in Wisconsin for his annual Turkey Trot on Wednesday the 23rd and Sunday the 27th at the Safe House, 779 N. Front St., Milwaukee. safe-house.com. 414.271.2007. Friday the 25th at Paolo’s Pizza. 5121 W. Howard St, Milwaukee. Wisconsin. 414.727.9332; and Saturday the 26th at the Railroad Station. 200 S. Railroad St., Saukville. 262.268.7880.

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

And now, another installment in the continuing saga that is The Herman Cain Sexual Harassment Soap Opera. When last we left him, the candidate was praising his main backers: “The Koch brothers are my brothers from another mother.” Guess we should be grateful he hasn’t dismissed his accusers with an offhand: “Bros before hoes.”

Brian Fairrington / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more Herman Cain cartoons)

You could say the situation is fluid, or more precisely glutinous. It’s hard to tell who or what to believe. Conservative talk shows pound home the theory this is all a put-up job while the liberal media remain incredulous the Cain Train hasn’t derailed into a fiery pileup. Right now it all boils down to a classic case of He Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said. She Said.

The good news for the first-ever, serious black Republican presidential candidate is a new CBS poll reveals 61 percent of potential GOP primary participants don’t consider the charges serious. Apparently there’s a large contingent of voters who either believe girls lie or boys will be boys. In three short years this country has gone from Hope and Change to Grope and Change. Ain’t life odd?

In his defense, Cain maintains he’s never engaged in any inappropriate behavior. Ever. Really? Ever? Hell, if this presidency thing doesn’t work out, the guy should run for Pope. Or maybe he’s better equipped to replace Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Of course, the term “inappropriate” is objective. Fashionistas might call his cowboy hat highly inappropriate.

Cain’s staff went so far as to say the sexual harassment allegations have actually helped the campaign. Helped! Wow. All he needs is a false imprisonment charge; he could sew this thing right up.

Cain has changed his story almost as often as Mitt Romney changes positions. And his memory problems draw right up to Rick Perry’s Energy Department. Again, almost. First he couldn’t remember anything, and then admitted a charge may have been investigated, but there was no settlement, then maybe there was an agreement, but now he refuses to comment on any of the cases, relentlessly retreating to his stuttering German “nein, nein, nein.”

The oddly self-proclaimed, anti-Washington corporate lobbyist declines any responsibility for keeping this narrative alive, first blaming the Perry campaign, then the Democratic Machine (?); and that old standby, the media, not yet getting around to the evil dominion that is Pizza Hut, but soon. Makes you wonder who’s in charge of his damage control team? Lindsay Lohan? Anthony Weiner? Charlie Sheen? Erica Kane?

He might be better off remembering the very advice he gave the Occupy Movement, “Don’t blame Wall Street, blame yourself.” Yourself, Herman. Yourself. Besides, in most Democratic quarters, the prospect of a Barack Obama/ Herman Cain matchup in the general election has elicited so much salivation, drool bibs and phlegm gutters are standard issue.

Another problem is the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza has demonstrated the sensitivity of a drunken bear. In a recent Detroit debate, he called House Minority Leader Pelosi, “Princess Nancy,” which for a guy ensnared in sexual harassment assertions is like trying to light a cigar by sticking your face in a tiki torch on a windy beach.

We’re entering Daytime Emmy Award territory here, featuring a plot with more twists than a 300-foot telephone cord stuffed into a cardboard box, and a cast of characters changing faster than a chameleon on a plaid tablecloth. Surprised neither Procter & Gamble nor the makers of Slinky jumped on the bandwagon offering to sponsor this candidacy; but stay tuned.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Slamming D.C. It may be the singular most popular political game around today. Everybody does it. Even incumbents go out of their way to blame Washington for everything that’s wrong with the country. A lot like a baseball manager complaining that his team suffers from a crippling lack of quality coaching.

Nate Beeler / Washington Examiner (click to view more cartoons by Beeler)

You’ve heard all the buzz phrases: “Washington is not the answer, it is the problem.” “The devil made both Washington and hell, but chooses to live in hell.” “Washington is a cesspool.” Sure, that’s what they say, but once elected, they treat it like a hot tub.

Hard to tell what disturbs the critics most: the culture, the people or the traffic on the Beltway. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. The residents of our nation’s capital are absolutely normal. Okay, absolutely semi-normal. Or as normal as can be, considering the 202 area code is hive mind to some of the largest egos in the world. At least now we know what happens when the inmates take over the asylum. And the most venally ambitious of the criminally insane manage to scramble to the top.

Nobody could ever mistake D.C. for the real world. It’s an encapsulated bubble. A yuppie terrarium. The Florence of Malfeasance. Meta Wonk Central. A work-free drug zone. The largest Superfund site in America. Where double-sided red tape originated and they throw it around like it’s going out of style.

Don’t forget though, Washington is unique. The capitals of other nations are also media and entertainment centers. The only reason to venture into D.C. is business. It’s a company town solely designed to support the federal government. A whale of a city, with schools of subsidiary occupation pilot fish swimming and feeding alongside. And the lobbyists and campaign managers, barnacles sticking to the side, regularly messing with the air intake valves.

It is also happens to be the single worst place on the planet to have a conversation, because all anyone wants to talk about is themselves. And don’t ask for directions. Nobody has a clue about anything, yet they fervently believe they possess all the answers. And some folks will go miles out of their way to confuse you, just to keep their muscles toned.

JFK said D.C. combined all the hospitality of the north with the efficiency of the south. Not to mention the scruples of a turkey vulture overlooking a yard full of wounded bunnies. It’s a town where you always have to worry that your best friend is wearing a wire. Where “cynical” has been raised to an art form. Imagine the Kardashians as elderly white guys with double the sense of entitlement.

Washington is the Delta of Denial. Routinely demonstrated by politicians who never understand why the rest of the country holds them in such low esteem. Even though they spend millions of dollars on ads every election cycle to convince us what despicable crooks their opponents are, and it goes both ways. They remain blithely oblivious that the only time we trust them is when they tell us the other guy is lying.

And like The Hotel California, once you check in, you can never leave. Because after spending a couple of quickly aging years in D.C., you’re ruined, and can never go back to living with normal people. But hey, a person has to sleep somewhere, right? Even lobbyists. Besides, most of them can’t go home again because the rocks they used to live under are gone. Hey, the Smithsonian is nice.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Ah, October. Patio umbrellas down. Storm windows up. The turning of the leaves. The crisping of our ears. Playoff baseball. Halloween just a few weeks off. We’ll get back to the most bracing month of the year a bit later, but first a few words about the recent decision by major banks to charge customers five bucks a month to use ATM cards for routine purchases. And those few words are: “You greedy, stinking, ravenous, money-grubbing, avaricious pigs.”

Bill Day / Cagle Cartoons (view more cartoons by Day)

How much dough do you have to make? I mean, I get it. You are not non-profit organizations. Few of us are. Advertently. Your task is to find new ways to make more moolah. Same here. You just happen to be a whole lot better at it than the rest of us. And with the scratch to rewrite the rules, the skids get greased in your favor. Good for you. But do you really need all the greenbacks? Every single dime? Really?

What were your profits last year? Like a bazilliondy dollars? Shouldn’t that be enough? Do stockholders require double-digit returns every quarter? Incredibly foolish to expect hubris after causing the worst financial crisis in 80 years, but wouldn’t it be wiser to leave behind a couple of bucks for the rest of us? You know, so we can do business with you. Commerce. Otherwise you’ll have all the capital but no customers, and be forced to restrict all your interactions to other banks; and trust me, you’re not going to like that.

Or is that the ultimate goal? To gather together all the money in the world, becoming a money museum? Then we pony up pretty colored stones just to look at the money we no longer have. And you know what happens then. You make it your mission to control the world’s supply of pretty, colored stones. Go ahead. We’ll switch to smooth, pointy sticks.

This is not your money we’re talking about. This is my money. You’re supposed to pay me for your use of my money. That’s the deal. What’s the interest rate on savings accounts now, .02 percent? Oh right, the Fed is maintaining artificially low interest rates to boost economic climes. But shouldn’t that mean the interest rate on my credit cards goes down too? I’m paying 20 percent. In some states that’s known as usury and is illegal. For crum’s sake, you can strike a better deal on the street with Vinnie.

Nickel and diming us to death? Hah! Those were the good old days. Now you’re squeezing every penny so hard Lincoln’s head is starting to squirt liquid copper. There’s a charge for using a teller. A charge for not using a teller. A charge for telling the teller where to stick the charge. “Convenience fees” from our friendly, neighborhood financial institutions. Use a rival bank and the charges get doubled or tripled or whatever “ed” you call times 36. What are those? Infidelity fees?

Don’t you get it? It’s My Money. We’re not talking about credit cards, where I pay you to lend me some quick cash. These are automatic deductions from an account into which I have already placed ample coin of the realm. MY MONEY! Keep your stinking paws off my money, you damn, stinking apes. Wow. Sorry. As you can see, I’m a bit ambivalent on this one. Oh, yeah. October. October sucks.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

It’s human nature. We mostly want what we can’t have. Grass is greener. The romantic lure of the unattainable. Knowledge that high school girls have long-since weaponized. Nothing entices a hormonally imbalanced freshman like flouncing down a crowded hall, laughing through a gaggle of friends with a flip of the pony-tail and nary a backwards glance. Of course, a short skirt doesn’t hurt.

Nate Beeler / Washington Examiner (click to view more Christie cartoons)

Same holds true in politics. A short skirt doesn’t hurt. No matter how many dance partners the Republicans convince to attend their courtship gala, you’d swear their head was on ball bearings the way they keep swiveling to the door to see who might be lurking outside. Waiting for the bad-boy rock stars to finish their smokes in the parking lot and make a grand entrance. Or spin out to the highway spitting a rooster tail of gravel.

Can’t blame them. The Right is just getting over its relationship with an older man, which ended badly, and is hungering for some excitement. The reason they can’t get excited about the geeks and dorks and stalwarts like Huntsman and Paul and Santorum and Cain. Oh sure, they’re tolerated and marginally encouraged, but with an enthusiasm one normally associates with favorite dish towels and serviceable oil filters. Library boys. Not the smooching kind.

But to the GOP’s dismay, all the heartthrobs have left the building. Donald Trump flirted extensively this spring, but then ran away with his true love, reality television, that tramp. Ms. Popular Transfer Student, Sarah Palin, dragged out her coquettish tease so long even the most bewitched of beaus lost interest. On the rebound, blushing and gushing, Michele Bachmann accepted a corsage, but shortly after was discovered cheating with a corn dog, and jittery suitors fell out of love faster than a college girl with Justin Bieber.

After extended entreaties, Rick Perry triumphantly waltzed in to the fanfare of a conquering quarterback, and was immediately voted Homecoming King. No more calls, we have a winner. For about a week. Then, the Texas governor unraveled like a badly knitted letter-sweater caught in a threshing machine. A series of threshing machines. Seven to ten.

Even he admits he may have stumbled in debate class. Yeah. “Stumbled” being a polite way of saying, “Dug a hole deep enough to hide at least half of those very threshers of which earlier we spoke.” The more the cheerleaders saw of Captain Haircut, the more the bloom vamoosed the rose. Zero to 60 in 5.6.

With the dance but a couple months away, conservatives are frantically whining and pining for a savior to rise from these streets, turning their attention east to woo another governor, Chris Christie of New Jersey. They’re Crazy for Christie. The right Mr. Right. Too big to fail. Flattered, Christie toned down his persistent “not interested” to a titillating “let’s wait and see.” Oooh. Shivers.

Christie clearly relishes the role of vamping vixen, but continues to dither, aware that his date is a bit fickle, having tossed prospective partners like Kleenex in the midst of a bad cold. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney patiently waits, dressed in his gown, standing at the door. Wondering when the GOP will settle down, come to their senses and get their philandering over with. Might want to change out of those heels; and while you’re at it, a short skirt doesn’t hurt.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Bill Day / Cagle Cartoons (click to view more Perry cartoons)

The latest and greatest Great White GOP Hope to throw his hat into the ring is Rick Perry, and it’s no ordinary hat either; we’re talking ten gallon here, folks. It appears we got ourselves another governor from Texas looking to be president. Yep, that’s just what this country needs. And species-jumping hookworms. More of those too.

To Texas Democrats, he’s “Captain Haircut,” and to watch the hig- ranked coiffure campaign is déjà vu all over again. He’s George Bush Lite. And yes, the redundant heights of that phrase are indeed vertigo inducing. Similar to saying… uncomfortable bus seat. Or… disingenuous oil-industry spokesperson. Perry is the candidate for those of you who couldn’t cozy up to Dubyah due to his intellectual elitism.

Governor Rick himself highlighted this distinction, crowing to supporters that he went to Texas A&M while Bush went to Yale. Ain’t that just like a Texan? Bragging about attending a less prestigious school. See, he’d be better for the nation because he’s not so smart. And already leading the polls. The Pied Piper of lowered expectations.

Perry claims he only entered the fray because God told him to. Of course, Michele Bachmann says God called on HER to run for President. So, either someone is fibbing, God is off his meds again, or we’re talking about two entirely different deities. Begging the question: which god hates America that much? Kali? Pele? The Mighty Thor? Eric Clapton?

The longest-serving governor in Texas history possesses a mouth big enough to match his hat, having accused Fed Head Ben Bernanke of treason and calling Social Security a Ponzi scheme. Not to worry: staffers are proving their mettle with some nifty, major-league hemming and hawing and harrumphing and walking back that statement faster than a toddler can spit milk through his nose.

Demonstrating his Lone Star kick-buttedness, Perry vetoed a bill banning the execution of mentally retarded inmates, so he doesn’t just embrace the death penalty, he nuzzles it. 234 on his watch. Probably can’t go to sleep until sneaking a peek at his dog-eared lethal injection technical manual stuck between the mattress and box spring. One of those humane proponents of electric bleachers.

James Richard Perry also gained a bit of notoriety last year when he shot a coyote while jogging. Hate to play tennis with this guy. If he carries a .380 Ruger with hollow points while jogging, you’d always give him the net, worried his racket had a built-in bayonet. And what does he pack on hunting trips, a Howitzer?

Be interesting to see if Perry can sell himself nationally while still maintaining Texas has a deal with the federal government allowing the state to secede at anytime. Should investigate whether that option is mutual. In the meantime, they’re sliding another dish under the sneeze guard. It’s smooth and chunky and piping hot. Hey! Is that Chris Christie?

—–

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: Redroom.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Oh sure, they made a big show of signing the debt-ceiling agreement, with official photo- ops and fancy commemorative pens all accompanied by great racking sighs of relief. But now both Congress and the president are having second thoughts; treating the deal like a dead horsefly floating in their cut-glass tumbler of 25-year-old Scotch. You’d find more enthusiasm from the contestants of a beach volleyball tournament surveying a sand court littered with scorpions scurrying under a sea of broken beer bottles.

Adam Zyglis / Buffalo News (click to view our Cartoon Blog)

Speaking of scorpions, included in the agreement was a provision forming a committee responsible for future deficit reduction. Twelve members appointed by party leaders from both the House and Senate. Whose mission, should they accept it, is to find $1.5 trillion over a ten-year period by digging past the bare bones, down into the marrow.

Charged to construct a plan by Thanksgiving Eve or risk triggering automatic cuts. Doomsday cuts. Cuts designed to frighten politicians from the most stable of districts. That’s right: cuts to the military.

A majority of the committee, equally split between Republicans and Democrats, must agree on the proposal to send it to the whole of Congress, who will vote either up or down with no amendments or filibusters allowed: meaning one member has to cross party lines, which is about as likely as pimento-flavored Velveeta taking first place in the 2012 World Championship Artisan Cheese Contest.

Even though the American public and pretty much every economist on the face of the planet agrees we need a balance between entitlement cuts and revenue enhancement, the Democrats already snapped that entitlement cuts are off the table and the Republicans are shouting no new revenue will be accepted, so really what they did was not so much kick the can down the road, but throw it onto the back of a passing flatbed truck where it disappeared over the asphalt horizon.

Now, this group has been called many things. Useless. The Supercommittee. Business as Usual. The Twerpy Twelve. A Dozen Punters. The Craven Caucus. Esteemed Assembly of the Ill-Advisable. League of the Unexceptionally Pontificating Pool of Party Hacks. But most commonly, it is referred to as: “Super Congress.”

“Slower than a slug on Thorazine; less powerful than a soggy Kleenex; unable to compromise in a million years. Look! Up in that swiveling leather club seat of that private jet. It’s a ruse, it’s a sham, it’s… Super Congress.

“Yes, Super Congress. Strange hybrid from another reality, comes to Capitol Hill with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal members.

“Super Congress. Who can change the course of appropriations, bend ethics regulations in the wink of an eye and who, disguised as… the United States Congress Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction, mild mannered functionary of the Hall of Invertebrates, fights the never-ending battle against Truth, Justice and the American Way.”

And when their capes are discarded and utility belts back in storage, we can move onto the next level of logical suspension and form the Super Duper Congress. Then… Son of Super Duper Congress. And call in Batman or maybe the Justice League or reconvene the Watchmen or that little guy who talks backwards and doesn’t make any sense. Mr. Mxyztplk. You may know him as: Ron Paul. More scorpions, please.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website: willdurst.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Give Congress the benefit of the doubt and say they do work out a compromise on the debt ceiling extension. This country could still slip into default, leading to the worst possible scenario imaginable — we have to move back in with England. Who’s going to be happy then? Nobody. You think it’s embarrassing slinking home after graduating college, try waiting 235 years.

Nate Beeler / Washington Examiner (view more cartoons by Beeler)

Already dreading the dressing down we’ll be forced to patiently endure should we make it through the front door. “Well, well, well, look who’s back. Seems someone couldn’t hack it out on our own, could they, Mister I’m Ready for Independence? How’s it feel to be labeled a fading superpower? Not much bloody fun being mocked by the neighbors, is it boyo?

“Notice you didn’t rush right over to your good friend China’s house. What’s the matter, did you have a fight with your new BFF? Or are they wanting their loans back? What about Egypt? Don’t they owe you a bit of something? Or did you squander it away like your post 9/11 goodwill? Typical.

“So. Here you are. I suppose you’ll be wanting your old room back. Well, you can forget it. Pakistan has been renting that room for almost three decades. Very tidy people. And quiet. Too quiet, if you ask me. But they cook. Nice break for your mother. Stinks up the kitchen a bit with all those spices, but quite tasty, really.

“What in Hades is wrong with you? Why couldn’t you manage your money better, like your younger brother Canada? Yes, they’re a bit boring, but solid as Gibraltar. You never see Canada in the foyer with their bags around their feet like a homeless person. Nose to the grindstone, that’s Canada in a nutshell. Still respect their Royals. Nothing like you or that drunken lout Australia, but don’t get me started.

“Okay. Now, this is totally against my better judgment but your mother says you can crash on the basement couch. Just for a couple of weeks, mind you. But this isn’t the Ritz. While you live in this house, you will live by our rules, mister. That means the TV shuts off at 10 p.m. Sharp. And yes, there are only four channels. Stop whining.

“No more making fun of the Queen. You hear me? And not a single, smirking word about Rupert Murdoch. Can’t say your hands are altogether clean on that one, now can we? Look at me when I’m talking to you. And get this through your thick skull, health care is free. For everybody. The stitches may be a mite larger than you’re accustomed from your fancy Beverly Hills surgeons, but I dare say you’ll get used to it.

“One last thing, no more wars. If I hear of one more scrape you’ve gotten yourself into, you’ll be back on the street so fast it’ll make David Cameron’s head spin. Faster. Nobody wants you mucking about with your sticky little fingers in their business anymore. Do we understand each other? Good.

“Now get yourself downstairs. Unpack and wash up. Put on a tie. Supper’s at 5:00. By the looks of you, I’d wager you haven’t missed many meals. And straighten up while you’re down there. Make sure there’s a clean spot under the stairwell; we’re setting up a cot. Ireland just called. They’re on their way over.”

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website, willdurst.com, to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Allow me to offer up a few words in defense of one of the most maligned groups in America today. Citizens, who through a simple twist of fate, are routinely subjected to some of the most scathing condemnation and slanderous stereotyping in the annals of recorded history. Of course I’m talking about those unsung heroes of capitalism, the highly lubed pistons in the engine of our economy: the rich.

Bob Englehart / Hartford Courant (click to view our latest cartoons)

Isn’t it time we stopped demonizing the wealthy simply because they have a couple more bucks? You’ve heard all the scurrilous charges: Greedy. Selfish. Thieving. Insatiable. Rapacious. Grasping. Hog-like. Power-mad. Heartless. Wear a lot of pink. And what’s the deal with the no socks thing? Like they can’t afford them?

People, settle down. The rich are just like the rest of us, only with access to a better class of orthodontists. They put their Egyptian silk trousers on one leg at a time, same as you and me. Besides, wasn’t it God, in the Bible, who said money can’t buy happiness? Although admittedly, it can be used as barter for a lot of stuff that might make you happy, like prescription drugs and bus fare and rent and ramen.

Being rich isn’t all a bed of roses, you know. It’s not easy having green. You can’t trust anybody. That includes but is not limited to — perfect strangers, casual acquaintances, prospective suitors, family members, non-profit organizations, banks, shysters, crooks and lawyers, but I repeat myself, not to mention the most dangerous threat of all, other rich people. Do the names Bernie Madoff, Warren Buffett and the Kardashians have any meaning here?

Off-shore accounts can be sooooooo confusing. The cost of private jet fuel is legalized extortion. And good housekeeping help is impossible to find. Scoundrels constantly plot to make your money, their money. Hence, rich people are forced to cower in a continual state of paranoia. But like buttery soft vicuna sport coats, it comes with the territory. Nobody robs poor people. Well, actually, rich people rob poor people, but that’s different. That’s business.

The main problem with being rich is never having enough money. And while liberals gripe and snipe that the rich and their corporations are sitting on trillions (no, really, trillions) of dollars waiting for the “correct political climate” to rehire workers, the fact that they employ thousands and thousands of lawyers to ferret out loopholes to keep from paying taxes goes criminally unreported. It’s all about jobs.

I know what you’re saying, “How can you defend these avaricious squeezebags? These scabrous zits on the forehead of egalitarianism? These predatory pus wads with the principles of diseased weasels in heat?” Well, self-preservation mostly; because someday, like everybody else in this great land of ours, I intend to be rich. A major reason why Democrats find it impossible to wage a class war.

The difference is… I’d be a really good rich person. Would cheerfully pay my fair share of taxes and regularly engage little people in sparkling small talk and never stiff waiters or prostitutes no matter how lousy the service received. How rich? Filthy rich. Rich enough not to stuff the Kleenex box in my suitcase when I check out of hotel rooms. I’d leave it right there on the bathroom sink for the next guy. Hey, it’s a goal.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out the website Redroom.com to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

You don’t need me to tell you that this country is broke. Not just broke. Flat busted. Un-flush. Tapped to the max. No bread or cabbage or scratch to speak of. Moolah-less. Holes in our pockets. Fresh out of chump change. Sans simoleons. Hands sparkling clean of any filthy lucre. Moths flying out of our wallets. Lots of red numbers. Flinching from the whistle of the wind over our empty piggy banks. Got us a dearth of dead presidents is what we got.

David Fitzsimmons / Arizona Daily Star (click to view our latest cartoons)

So it’s high time we start acting like it. As has been pointed out by pundits and politicians o’plenty, the guvmint needs to do what normal ‘Merican families do when they run into desperate straits: pretend nothing is going on while we watch reality TV shows and drink lots of beer. No, no, no. Tried that. Didn’t work.

First off, we got to stop handing over money to rogue nations that simply use it to buy guns they then turn on us. If we insist on helping these toads out, we should eliminate the middleman and furnish the guns direct. We can buy in much bigger bulk than they, procuring them cheaper, saving bundles of cash. And we taxpayers keep the kickbacks instead of the politicians. Win-win.

Secondly, we should take advantage of this Arab Spring democracy movement. Provides the perfect cover to lay off some of our underperforming dictators. Isn’t it about time we co-opted a new generation of despots? Since they’d be junior journeymen oppressors, they should cost less. Like major corporations lay off expensive senior executives, we’ll replace our pricey aging tyrants.

But we all know it’s not enough to make a few minor cuts in the budget; we also have to work on increasing revenue. And I don’t mean selling off ancient public institutions like various national monuments or Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Their resale values ain’t what they used to be. Although it might help to seasonally adjust the bottom line.

We need to think outside the box. Direct Research and Development to produce and sell something that every American needs. Like an anti-SARS serum. The deal is, we engineer and market the antidote now, then fashion a huge penicillin-resistant SARS scare later, and have the FDA-approved shot or salve or cream or clear or whatever available at your local pharmacy in time for cold and flu season? Tie-Ming. Not just a city in China.

Doesn’t have to be SARS. Could be anything. If SARS is too scary for the squeamish, lay down a few well-placed rumors of rampaging, mutant Killer Carnivorous Snails From France and change the product to Fast Acting Snail Repellent. Same formula. Different packaging. Then ratchet up the panic with a bunch of infomercials. You know: news stories. Fox. CNN. Bloomberg. Create an imaginary vacuum and fill it. Worked for the Tea Party.

Even if it does eventually come out the whole event was manufactured, the residual damage would be minimal. What’s the worst that could happen? People lose faith in their elected leaders? Oh, no. Not that. The government is already lying to us on a regular basis; the least we can do is figure out how to make some money off of it. Got to ask ourselves: What would Microsoft do?

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today. Check out the website: Redroom.com, to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing, is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

CNN hosted the first GOP debate of the year that involved actual candidates, and some clear winners did emerge — the 99.99 percent of the American people who neglected to watch it. But for the 16 of us who did, the strategy of the combatants was more obvious than a wooly mammoth skeleton in a stairwell. Bash Obama. Take a breath, bash again. And repeat.

Bob Englehart / Hartford Courant (view more cartoons about the GOP Debate)

Every time the frontrunner, Mitt Romney, spoke, he circumvented the actual question and relentlessly whipped into a monotonous failure of leadership mantra like a broken hand puppet. To the point where he needs be careful to keep a respectful distance from the phrase or distracted voters might think it reflects him. Romney? Yeah, he’s the failure guy.

You could say that Obama’s Failure has been the chosen Republican tactic. You could also say that water is an effective medium for whale migrations. Repeatedly claiming his abject non-success to be their number-one priority, the Party of Lincoln facilitated much executive stumbling by tripping the president at every step of every way since day one. If Obstructionism were an Olympic Sport, these guys would have more gold around their necks than Mr. T.

The purpose of the loyal opposition is to oppose, but lately Republicans act like they’d rather the economy sink like a diesel engine in a swimming pool than Obama be given credit for a scintilla of its comeback.

The contestants then proved their bona fides by competing to see who most disliked the president. Oh yeah, well, I really really hate him. I hate him worse than chigger mites. Responsible for all evil worldwide throughout history and into perpetuity.

Amongst themselves however, it was a veritable love fest as the dais genuflected at Ronald Reagan’s altar, strictly honoring his 11th Commandment, Thou shall not speak ill of other Republicans. Mouths were clamped shut tighter than Bernie Madoff’s credit line in Vegas.

Tim Pawlenty failed to modify his boring as porridge reputation, shrinking from repeating his previous day’s charge that the president patterned his health care overhaul on Romney’s Massachusetts plan. To which the Mittmeister responded, The president is going to eat those words. Whoa, dude. Tough talk. Obviously trying to nail down those NASCAR Dads early.

We did learn that Herman Cain, the only black guy in New Hampshire, doesn’t believe Sharia law belongs in American courtrooms. Good. Neither do poisonous blowfish darts. Newt Gingrich’s upbeat approach was to fix the word depression in people’s minds while boasting he’d save $100 billion by not paying crooks. So apparently, he opposes oil and ethanol subsidies and plans to suspend Congressional salaries.

Michele Bachmann might have said something other than “Obama Care! Obama Care! Obama Care!” But if she did it was unintelligible. Rick Santorum continues to be all about the zygotes. And Ron Paul has something to say about the Federal Reserve, darn it, but nobody, not even his fellow panelists, is interested. Conspicuously absent were solution-based ideas. The shortage approached Soviet bread-line standards.

The nomination seekers all dazedly echoed the Reagan hive-mind, calling for more tax cuts and further deregulation, which back in the day was characterized by George Herbert Walker Bush as “Voodoo Economics.” In the depths of the crises we find ourselves, doubling down on what got us here seems to go way beyond Voodoo. These wizards are practicing sorcery. More dark magic from yesteryear. Where’s Dumbledore when you need him?

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today. Check out his website, willdurst.com, to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing, is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Forget the almanac. And the calendar. Forget whatever the weatherman or the newspaper or the next-door neighbor with the hair growing out of a mole shaped like the state of Delaware on his nose told you. The true worm-hole opening to summer is not the upcoming solstice on June 21; it’s the last Monday of May, Memorial Day.

Martin Sutovec / Slovakia (click to view our latest cartoon

Memorial Day: when the world alters unalterably for every kid and teacher across the land. By now, the cages have either sprung open or the locks are being picked and the imprinted DNA of every true-blooded American tingles in anticipation of the 10 to 12 weeks of school-free adventures looming ahead like a sun-kissed valley below a fog-enshrouded summit. Even if we don’t get to stop in the valley, we can recall when we did and grin wistfully.

Officially, the last Monday of May was carved out as a peaceful moment to lay wreaths at the tombs of all the young men and women who sacrificed their lives for the security of this nation, not to mention the multitude of valiant drivers tragically lost in Midwestern automobile races.

Unofficially, it’s a time for the whole of America to stop in the headlong momentum of the year to lean on a freshly painted picnic table and catch our breath. Summer? Already? How the heck did that happen? Wasn’t it just the other day we were taking down our Xmas cards? Of course some of us still have our Xmas cards up. And just exactly what is wrong with that?

Most importantly, Memorial Day marks the beginning of the flesh-charring season. Our own at the beach eating al fresco for the first time all year, and those many brave, slow mammals on a freshly scrubbed Weber who gave their lives in order for us to raise our cholesterol levels to heights where Sherpas fear to tread.

This is a time for fireworks and pie and tires swinging on ropes over rivers and roasted marshmallows and ice cream on sticks that melt down your hand all the way to the elbow. And golf and corn and hiking and lemonade and thunderstorms and baseball broadcasts on AM radio and spending a week in the middle of August jammed in the back of a station wagon with no air conditioning, an incontinent 18-year-old basset hound and a leaking Coleman cooler.

Some people even find camping relaxing. Good for them. For me, the outdoors is where the car is. Roughing it means cable TV without Turner Classic Movies. You say “wilderness,” I think spotty cell-phone reception.

My vacation plans comprise of room service, Perry Mason marathons on hulu.com and the crazed midnight looting of many hotel mini bars. Forgive me folks, but my idea of a good time does not involve sleeping on rocks, going potty behind trees and dodging mosquitoes the size of La-Z-Boy recliners. Think more along the lines of waitresses shepherding sweaty bottles of cold beer poolside.

Our season of frenzied leisure will too shortly end on Labor Day, so hurry out there and have one terrific summer full of languid days and untroubled nights. May you frolic and cavort and gambol and caper in a madcap series of wacky, zany antics that are fondly remembered always. All while keeping the sand off of your hot dog.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out Redroom.com to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

The hell is the deal with male politicians these days? Have they lost their minds? Guys, they’re giving all us men a bad name. And with Charlie Sheen still on the loose, we need the negative publicity the way a platypus needs another spiny knob at the end of its tail. Maybe the reptilian core at the base of our brains senses mortality, causing caution to be thrown to the wind spiraling into Bacchanalian chaos while there’s still time. Or maybe we’re just stupider and getting caught more.

Kap / PoliticalCartoons.com (click to view more Strauss-Kahn cartoons)

Specifically speaking about Dominique Strauss-Kahn: the French former managing director of the International Monetary Fund, accused of assaulting a maid in his Manhattan hotel room. Then petitioned for bail claiming not to be a flight risk, even though he was apprehended trying to fly back to Paris on a plane. Which, if you ask me, is the definition of a flight risk. Dude, you were on a flight. And are a hell of a risk.

This isn’t DSK’s first trip down Abuse of Power Alley. So many women (not afraid anymore) are coming forward, French officials might start requiring parade permits. Easy to see why his friends are upset about him being photographed in handcuffs on a perp walk; the guy looks guiltier than a priest roaming the halls of a boys’ school with a pocket full of condoms at 3 a.m. Of course, most successful 60-plus-year-old men share that guilty gleam. Nobody with that kind of power is ever truly innocent.

Strauss-Kahn comes out of the Berlusconi mold with force and intimidation supplanting money and influence, but the transgressions remain the same. Something creepy about these sneaky, silky-smooth, suave European pols who can’t stop loving the ladies. You know them. The guys who force you to avoid your eyes at the pool while they strut around in those tight bikini-bottom bathing suits like plum-smuggling peacocks.

I get it that power is an aphrodisiac, but how and where do all these men acquire this “your silly laws don’t apply to me” attitude? Is there a secret society that escorts the newly elected to a cave, bends them over, and administers a series of ceremonial entitlement shots? Then again, most politicians don’t need the shots. More like a prerequisite. All those rallies and sycophants and phony smiles and eventually, just like mom warned, your face does freeze that way.

There are too many miscreants for it to be a coincidence. In the last couple years, and I’m only listing big profile guys: Clinton. Edwards. Livingston. Gingrich. Vitter. Villaraigosa. Gibbons. Foley. Hutchinson. Sherwood. Allen. McGreevy. Ensign. Craig. Sanford. Spitzer. And now former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted infidelity. Shocker, hunh. Who knew? What’s next: clam chowder at Denny’s in Boston on a Friday?

Arnold fathered a son with his housekeeper, who continued to work for the family for the next 10-14 years. Talk about work ethic. And think of the nerve it took not telling your wife while your illegitimate kid is wandering around the house for more than a decade. That’s chutzpah. The Governator may have taken that whole “acting like a member of the Kennedy clan” thing just a little too far. Of course he may end up hailed as a family hero anyhow. By making JFK look good in comparison.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out willdurst.com to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Pull the banner out of storage and string it back across the aircraft carrier. Because this time, Mission Really Accomplished. Barack bested bin Laden. Obama got Osama. Or as the right-wing talk shows probably reported it, “Alien President Murders Muslim Brother.” Though not a big fan of the whole killing thing, it would take a stupendously bloodless American to decline the pleasure of hammering a couple of nails into this particular coffin.

John Cole / Scranton Times-Tribune (click view more Osama cartoons)

The most-wanted man on the planet. Found. And you had to admire the way it was done; members of Navy SEAL Team Six firing two warning shots into the head. One for each tower. The target was totally unarmed and never had a chance. That’s known as synchronicity. Live by the sneak attack, die by the sneak attack.

President George W. Bush famously said: “He can run, but he can’t hide,” and finally was proved right. Although you got to admit, bin Laden gave it a good run: nine years, 230 days. Think he might have earned Hide-and-Seek Grand Master Championship status. An award that alas, must be presented posthumously.

Buried at sea, but that’s just a polite way of saying the carcass was kicked overboard. An extreme act of pollution, upon which the Arabian Sea EPA surely frowned. Hopefully, the architect of Ground Zero won’t float across to the Sea of Japan into all that radiation — could spawn a training school of three-eyed mutant terrorists.

In a way, it’s too bad we ditched him so soon. Mucho bucks could have been raised by touring the country giving ordinary folks a chance to pose with the corpse like they used to do in the Old West. “Get your picture taken with the Butcher of 9/11. 10 bucks.” Could have carted the remains around in a refrigerated casket shoved onto the bed of a Ford F- 250 traveling to County Fairs and Tractor Pulls. Like what happened with the World Series trophy only with more punching. Eventually the cadaver would end up in Vegas with its own Cirque du Soleil show, or as one of the stiffer stiffs on “Dancing With the Stars.”

The Pakistanis aren’t happy. First they claimed to be an integral partner in the operation. Unh-hunh. “Here’s a broom. Thanks for your assistance. Got to go.” Now they’re whining it made them look bad. You know, our role in making you look bad is superfluous. Head Honcho al-Qaida himself living for five years behind your version of West Point and nobody notices? Right. Like Lady Gaga hiding out at the Vatican. Either you’re complicit, stupid, incompetent, or both.

The safe house was not equipped with Internet or phone connection and they burned their trash inside the compound. So, if you think of it, he pretty much was living in hell. All we did was change the location.

We also managed to retrieve a sizable cache of computer disks, which hopefully will reveal a vast network of terrorist contacts and sleeper-cell structures, but we all know what’s really on them. Porn. Hot stuff. Muslim women wearing see-through burqas. Beard-on-veil action.

But now, thank god, this whole thing is over and our troops can come home and we won’t have to take off our shoes at the airport anymore and can turn our attention to hunting down the next-biggest threat to democracy: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out Redroom.com to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

Goaded into action by a nattering of numbskulls, Barack Obama finally released the long form of his certificate of live birth from the state of Hawaii, and hopefully threw the last shovel of dirt onto this inception nonsense; but the suspicion is, no, probably not. As we speak, vanquished Birther Bozos are crawling out of the crypt searching for a new nose to wear. First the short form, now the long form, soon they’ll want to see the director’s cut. Then, on a television near you, the mini-series.

Mike Keefe / Denver Post (click to view more Keefe cartoons)

Anything to reinforce the strangeness of the first African-American president. “Different than you and me.” “Not a real American.” Explains those silly cries of, “We’re taking our country back.” Yeah. From the black guy. What they really want is the 1950s and the front of their buses back.

Don’t think this is over. This is not over. Not by a long shot. People believe what they want to believe. Facts be damned. Thirty percent of the GOP still believes Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11, and weapons of mass destruction are currently cruising the streets of Fallujah disguised as ice cream trucks. Driven by men wearing tinfoil hats.

Obama’s actions spurred some on the Right to charge him with orchestrating this whole distraction to keep the country from the real issues. Wow. The perfect somersault of blaming the hit-an- run victim for walking alone on a sidewalk late at night. “He attacked my bumper with his chest.”

Others, like Newt Gingrich, refuse to be convinced. “There are still questions.” Yeah, and besides, Obama’s citizenship is due to a technicality, because on August 4, 1961, Hawaii had been a state for less than two years. Maybe the flippo-units will switch tactics and demand proof he’s not a Muslim. And won’t be satisfied until they see a signed and dated parchment from Allah.

The disgrace is, the president was forced to hold a press conference, not to address the reshuffling of his national security team, but rather. where he was born. His exact quote was: “not going to be able to do our jobs if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers.” In response, the main carnival barker, Donald Trump, claimed to be honored for making the president jump through hoops like a trained Pomeranian. Who also would not be eligible to be president.

The Donald is that kid in high school oblivious to the whole class making fun of him, including the teacher. Faced with the very concrete evidence he insisted on viewing, you’d think he’d find a way to graciously back off, but you’d be as wrong as blaze-orange camo. Buffalo chip cookies. Cheesecloth mittens.

The Aerodynamic Coif instead upped the ante to question how a guy named Barack Hussein Obama got into Harvard Law and wants to see his college transcripts, which is a really, really sly way of throwing out the “n” word. Surprised he didn’t use “shiftless.”

We need Trump to provide samples of his DNA to prove he’s actually a carbon-based life form. Show us your hairline, Captain Carnival Barker. What’s next: a mole count? Will a committee be empanelled to investigate the number of moles on the president’s body? “Where are they and why is he hiding them? And exactly how many of them are shaped like his socialist supervisor, Cuba?”

The New York Times says Emmy nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out Redroom.com to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

You got to love The Right. Every single study and poll, every one, shows independents turned off by cultural-values wars; the same way chalk sidewalk drawings dissolve in a thunderstorm. And they try and they try and they try, but they just can’t help themselves. Like active moral volcanoes with a bad case of the hiccups, conservatives erupt and spew; and god help any innocent bystander that gets in the way of their lava of virtuousness. That includes themselves.

Nate Beeler / Washington Examiner (click to view more cartoons)

Upon waking, bright pink Post-it Notes have got to be stuck to the bathroom mirror: “It’s the economy, stupid.” And for a fleeting moment, folks stick to the script. But all it takes is the merest hint of a whisper of a rumor of suspected aberrant behavior, and Boom! All hell breaks loose. Banding together they rain down with exalted anger to smite evildoers. Never mind the deficit, the wages of sin must first be paid.

Oh, they talk about getting the government out of people’s business. But when it’s bedroom business or women’s body businesses, an infatuation with perceived iniquity overcomes them. Especially businesses into which tab A is not destined for slot B; which could possibly offend some busybody. That’s when their business becomes the business of judging other people’s business. And business is good.

I imagine all 23 potential Republican presidential candidates — cowering at the side of the candidate pool in their red, white and blue bathing suits, waiting for spring to turn to summer and the nominating waters to warm up — would rather juggle a dozen flaming marshmallows over a broken crate of alligators on stilts than be nailed down on abortion or gay marriage right now. But deep down, this enforced silence is eating away their innards, because their hungry desire for rapturous conduct burns hot inside as well.

Like junkies fresh out of rehab, the self-righteously righter-than-right can smell mendacity three states away and, being good, god-fearing people, go ballistic when the rest of society refuses to twitch into the same twisted noble contortions as they. Then as avenging angels they swoop, sometimes in packs, sometimes plunging solo.

Knowing better, but unable to control his compulsion, Speaker John Boehner, R-$$$, swoopingly interrupted his budget putsch, hiring a law firm to argue on behalf of the Defense of Marriage Act. President Obama declared it unconstitutional and indefensible, so Boehner is taking it unto himself to ensure equal rights are denied to same-sex relationships. Apparently, certain people’s happiness makes him miserable.

Previously, the GOP tried lathering their moral superiority onto the budget bill. That’s when Jon Kyl, R-Wackyville, went on the floor of the Senate to say abortions “are well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.” And he was close. Off by 87 percent. Just a bit outside. Later, Kyl’s office recanted, saying “his remark was not intended to be a factual statement.” Of course. Who would ever think it was? After all, he is a known politician.

With no innards left, leaping onto the anti-abortion bandwagon with talons extended, Michele Bachmann called Planned Parenthood the LensCrafters of abortion, which by all rights allows you to call the Heritage Foundation the Orange Julius of the death penalty. Congresswoman Bachmann, the Home Depot of ridiculously overwrought indignation. Making the Republican Party itself the Luigi’s Shoe Repair of self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the chest.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

It’s way too early to sort out the winners and the losers in the big budget showdown on Capitol Hill the last couple weeks. They’re still extricating bodies from behind the hay bales of the Gunfight at the D.C. Corral, and will be for months. It’ll take even longer to identify the white-hatted good guys from the no-good rustlers of the public trust. All depends on your point of view. Everybody thinks he’s Wyatt Earp.

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (view more cartoon by Cagle)

Neither the Republicans nor the Democrats got exactly what they wanted, which normally indicates a win for the country, but the Tea Party is still madder than hell. The word compromise is not in their vocabulary. Then consider their plans to finance further tax cuts for the rich by laying-off Head Start teachers, and apparently neither are the words “community,” “compatible” or “unanimity.”

This ideological strife did prove the perfect opportunity for President Obama to show off his abilities to accommodate, negotiate, placate and facilitate. He’s smoother than a baby’s butt dipped in a polyurethane bath. Like phlegm on Teflon. Flexibility, never his Achilles Heel. Gumption, however, was. The question had less to do with the existence of a backbone, and more with the rigid ingredients in its makeup. The boniness, so to speak. What level of bonacity in his spine. How petrified the vertebrae.

Was it the consistency of a Tupperware dish full of lime Jell-O with carrot shreds forgotten in the back seat of a station wagon in New Mexico on an August afternoon, or made of sterner stuff? The question cries out for the NSF to develop a scale of bone and organ density. On one end you’d have Charlie Sheen’s liver and on the other, Rand Paul’s skull.

Above and astride the fray, the president exhibited unambiguous signs of calcium augmentation signing a bill that calls for budget cuts of $38 billion, 62 percent less than the symbolic ground of $100 billion the Tea Party staked their tent posts of revolution on last fall. Nevertheless, a figure significantly larger than the progressive wing of his party desired, which can best be measured in multiples of zero.

But if you think the passage of this legislation signals a respite from these budget battles, you’re more misguided than the poor sap trying to finance a new wing of Vegas condos with adjustable mortgages and no money down. The confrontations intensify from here on out. Just like the Broadway production of “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark,” this struggle was but a preview.

Oh sure, choreography will be tinkered with and some higher flying rigging secured, and a few minor plot points might change but underneath it’ll be the same old cast mouthing the same tired dialogue. “We are good and right and true and just while they are attempting to destroy the country by killing the elderly with red hot forks to the eyes and blah, blah, blah.”

Next up: raising the national debt ceiling, then a long-term budget deal, both of which promise to make this encounter look like a slap fight in a Catholic school-girl’s locker room. Got to remember, approaching an election year, any war of words inevitably escalates from conventional into the nuclear exchange variety. Say hello to our old friend, Mutually Assured Destruction; back and tan and rested. As Doc Holliday exits left, Dr. Strangelove moves down stage front.

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The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out Redroom to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

No one said being president was going to be easy. And no one was right. You get yelled at for doing things, and you get yelled at for not doing things. Often both times by the same people. Which is kind of like saying, “Even when you agree with us, you’re wrong.” That’s a tough hill to climb.

Take Libya. Please. After it became apparent the native uprising against Qaddafi was not going to replicate the successes of Egypt, President Obama got lambasted by Republicans for not immediately leaping tall buildings to help the freedom-loving Libyans, like some guy from Texas would have done. Then from the other end of the same street, the Rip Van Winkle Republican Anti-Interventionists awoke from hibernation and objected to any involvement. Ever. Anywhere. If these folks had their way, they’d take away his passport.

Through a series of delicate negotiations, Barack managed to cobble together an international alliance to enforce a no-fly zone over Libya. Good timing, eh? We finally get most of our boys out of Iraq and boom, up jumps another crisis where we get to carry the democratic load. Superman should have warned us; this superhero thing can get a wee bit tiresome. I guess the deal is, you get used to running two wars, and it’s not easy trying to get by on just one. Going to have to face it, we’re addicted to war. Oops. Don’t call it war.

This endeavor, altercation, conflict, campaign, enmity, friendly fracas, (not a crusade) is shaking out differently. At least we don’t have to worry about being accused of ulterior motives since there obviously isn’t any oil in Libya, oh. uh, scratch that. Wait, I got it. One big difference is we have actual allies this time around instead of imaginary friends. And the coup de gras is the Arab League throwing in with us. An inspired consideration when you insist on invading Arab countries.

Of course this skirmish, dispute, clash, carnage, quarrel, grapple in the sand has nothing to do with Islam or oil, it’s about, um, promoting democracy and getting rid of a bad guy. So if I were Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, I’d watch my back. The man is obviously harboring weapons of mass seduction. Then again, maybe we’ll wait until they find oil in Tuscany.

The oddest thing about this onslaught, strife, contention, assault, incursion, discordant havoc is discovering the biggest problem with having allies is having to work with the allies. Who knew? Not a big worry for a cowboy with a penchant for going it alone. Should be okay though, since history has shown the French and the English are both easy-going, low-maintenance types. Wonder whatever happened to those shy, retiring Germans? After all, they know North Africa like the back of their hand.

We’re calling it Operation Odyssey Dawn, after the girlfriend of some Marine who hung out too long in bars on the shores of Tripoli, I guess. But even with a name like a ship out of the Carnival Line, getting rid of Qaddafi will be no cruise. The guy is nuttier than a U-Top-It Sundae from Dairy Queen. Gave himself a military rank and chose Colonel. Uses his own people as human shields. Spells his name with a Q, it’s not followed by a U — he plays by rules we don’t even understand. If that doesn’t spell crazy, time to get a new dictionary.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com to find out about upcoming performances, or to buy his book, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” or newest CD, “Raging Moderate.”

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.

America dodged the immediate damage of the killer tsunami, but a potentially more dangerous phenomenon threatens to wash across our nation. The new political paradigm — concrete intransigency. No quarter asked for — no quarter given. Us versus Them, and Us is me. And whoever likes me at the time. The Colosseum relocated to the Senate. I’m so right and you’re so wrong that anybody who agrees with you should be ambushed, assaulted and abused.

Daryl Cagle / msnbc.com (click to share)

Say what you will about the Liberals, for the most part, they actually believe deep down in their hearts that impoverished kids enrolled in Head Start programs can contribute to society and make the world a better place to live. For all of us. And rich people should pay for that. Conservatives wonder why these kids don’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps the way they did when Daddy bequeathed them their first oil well. Life is a race and anybody with a Head Start is cheating. Anybody not part of their family, that is.

These basic attitudes stem from deep-rooted philosophical differences. The Liberal idea is by helping the greater good, it will eventually come back and benefit everyone. While Conservatives believe exactly the opposite. By helping themselves, it will eventually come back and benefit themselves.

And now that politics is a 24/7 media proposition, those positions are calcifying. Conservative voices dominating center stage today can be divided into three groups. The Greedy. The Mean. And the Stupid. They live in a black and white land where compromise equals defeat and “discussion” means you take notes while they talk. Liberals can be distilled into three groups as well. The Pompous. The Weak. And the Stupid. Their world is a rainbow of colors, where the government provides everyone with that big box of 64 crayons and encourages them to write on the walls. Anybody’s walls.

Liberals want to nurture the brotherhood of man while Conservatives deem this mythical brotherhood just another left-wing conspiracy trying to separate them from their money. Conservatives are sincerely of the opinion that they stole all their stuff fair and square, while Liberals think people with too much stuff should give some of their stuff to people who don’t have any stuff. The problem is nobody considers their collection of stuff to be too much.

Liberals want to reform prisoners. Conservatives don’t believe in taking any. Liberals would rather lose honorably than be accused of acting unfairly. As a matter of fact, Liberals are more comfortable losing than they are winning. Conservatives will do whatever it takes to win, including painting their kids’ teachers as the enemy. Not only are they bad losers, they’re bad winners as well.

Another odd thing is the two sides continue to play the game under entirely different narratives. Liberals act like associate producers at a folk fair trying to choreograph the welcoming dance of converging cultures, while failing to notice the ragged band of Conservatives lighting torches and running headlong towards them up the castle hill armed with pitchforks.

There’s a war going on but only one side seems aware of it. You’d think the mugging that went down in Wisconsin would be the sharp poke in the side necessary to wake Liberals up. But knowing them, they’ll probably be more concerned with strengthening the guardrails on the castle hill road and introducing legislation to reform pitchfork safety standards.

Will Durst is an award-winning, San Francisco-based political comic who often jots his thoughts down on paper. Such as here.

Copyright ©2011, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst’s book, “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don’t forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.