Do We Need More (Intentional) Comedians in Public Office?

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a polling place – and a comedian gets elected president!

As followers of international politics know, sitcom star Volodymyr Zelensky – a man with no experience in the military or government – won a landslide victory over Ukraine’s incumbent president (a politician with no apparent experience busting ghosts, crashing weddings or serving as a grizzled, by-the-book mentor to a free-spirited young partner).

Can you imagine what the past, present and future of OUR society would be like if more TV goofballs, movie misfits and stand-up comics ran for public office at the local, state and national level?

Combining comedy cliches, pop culture catch-phrases and insulated Hollywood culture, here are the sort of developments I suspect we would have seen:

– Goodbye, governors cutting the ribbon to inaugurate a massive project. Hello, governors smashing watermelons to inaugurate a massive project!

– “C’mon, numbskulls! Hoist me up so I can give those Mount Rushmore guys an eye poke!”

– Three words for improving relations with the United Nations? Instead of “Let’s work together,” how about “Well, excuuuuuuuse ME”?

-“You mean we really do need to upgrade our military arsenal? Can’t we just drop an F-bomb or 20 on all those &^%%$##@ foreigners who go spoiling for a fight?”

– “The Brits PAY hockey pucks like you and your family to hang around Buckingham Palace? What, did London Bridge fall down and give the voters permanent concussions?”

– “I’m overweight and balding. I’m a bum around the house. I’m incompetent as the town dog catcher. So, where’s my HOT WIFE?”

– “My solution for the Palestinian issue? We’re a-movin’ on up, to the West Bank… “- “I’m pleased to say the warden has Old Sparky fully functional again. Now, who’s on first?”

– “But the committee chairman promised me it would be ‘a very special filibuster’!”

– “Quick! I can’t let my ex see me still without allies! Sign the back of this Whole Foods circular and pretend it’s a bilateral trade agreement!”

– From the man who brought you “Eat It” and “Amish Paradise,” it’s “The Cattle Hymn of the Republic.” (“Mine eyes have felt the stinging from the methane of the cows… “)

– “No, no – it’s not the town’s PENSION FUND that is coming completely unraveled. It’s the World’s Largest Ball of String! How I love the hijinks that ensue when someone hears half a conversation! Ooo… Clyde the street cleaner jumped to his death from how many stories up?”

– “What do you mean stunt doubles get overtime for facing subpoenas?”

– “After a strong start, ratings for the U.S. Constitution continue to decline. Quick! Give the Statue of Liberty a baby!”

– “I’m going to need my running mate to be my STRAIGHT MAN – not that there’s anything wrong with that!”

– “Will the sanitation department pick up your garbage, or won’t they? Will they, or won’t they? *Chuckle* This sexual tension could drag on for five years.”

– “This is your commander in chief, communicating with you from a secret underground bunker. So, what’s the deal with mushroom clouds, all of a sudden? A missile just flew in from Pyongyang, and boy are my arms glowing!”

*Sigh* You editors just had to have your full 600-word column, didn’t you? This is ANOTHER fine mess you’ve gotten us into!

Copyright 2019 Danny Tyree. Danny welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.” Danny’s weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.