We all know Santa Claus as a "right jolly old elf," but the man carries a well-stocked bag of regrets.
He recently sat down with me to list some of the ways he wished his life had gone differently.
"I don't regret the Island of Misfit Toys real estate venture per se, but I sort of hate that we used an old atomic testing site. I'm cool with a water pistol shooting jelly - but not RADIOACTIVE jelly."
"I wish I had found a better business manager to protect my trademark. My FRIENDS have good business managers. You never hear of anybody playing Secret Tooth Fairy or Dirty Easter Bunny."
"I'm sorry I gave up my summer job as Whitebeard the Pirate. Granted, it was always hard making the seasonal switch from '15 men on a dead man's chest' to '15 brats playing with the boxes instead of the toys.'"
"Rudolph is great, but I would have been satisfied with one of those leg lamps from 'A Christmas Story' to guide my sleigh. Hubba hubba."
"I'm sorry that laying a finger aside of my nose no longer gets me up the chimney. It just messes with my sinuses. And most of my preexisting conditions preexist the insurance company!"
"I'm sorry about the untimely coal-mine cave-in, but those hooligans in the Bronx really earned some lumps in their stockings that year."
"Wish I'd had my OCD medication prescription BEFORE everyone started expecting me to make a list and check it twice."
"I'm sorry I skipped all those seminars and didn't keep my accreditation up. My Uber bill is killing me."
"Wish I hadn't unleashed an exorcist on my visitors before realizing they were just the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. Future had it coming, though."
"I'm sorry I didn't get Mrs. Claus to sign that prenup. It's bad enough all my assets are FROZEN; but she gets half of them if things go south."
"Sure, the NFL is finally looking into concussions involving football players, but nobody cares about concussions from beloved childhood figures colliding with Bert the chimney sweep."
"I'm sorry I locked myself into that commitment of delivering toys to every child in the world in a single night. Really should have set up a recorded message like 'Your call is very important to us. All our little old drivers so lively and quick are currently busy with other customers. Please stay on the line until April, you little... ' "
"The whole 'right down Santa Claus Lane' thing was pretty egotistical. At least it's not the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant. Come to think of it, my business manager let him rip off the ho-ho-ho line."
"Sorry I got dragged into the 'reason for the season' debate. Bad scheduling. No Nativity scenes in August. Used to smoke a lot of CAMELS then, but I became a wiser man... "
"I wish I could make a low-key jaunt from the North Pole to some municipality without Springsteen blabbing, 'Saaaaanta Claus is comin' to town!"
"My biggest regret? I'm really bummed out over that one lap-sitting kid I traumatized by saying, 'Certainly I remember when your parents were kids... long before they adopted... um, er... I mean, long before they conceived you the standard way, which entails... I mean, YOUR parents? Come to think of it, Jack Frost substituted on that route for me... "
Copyright 2020 Danny Tyree. Danny welcomes email responses at [email protected] and visits to his Facebook fan page "Tyree's Tyrades." Danny's weekly column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate.