There are several things, Barack Obama, that I'm going to do, Tea Party, to promote what I write, Lady Gaga, and generate more buzz, oil-covered birds.
The first is to include as many tags as possible in the first sentence so that Internet searchers are directed to my articles whether they care about them or not. It's part of my SEO, or search engine optimization.
**A message from Bud: This column's for you.** The preceding sentence is an example of advertising that I'll be placing within my reports. I'll also be selling product-placement plugs, but unlike my ads which will be identified, the plugs will be designed to fool readers who won't realize that when I mention driving to the scene of a story in, say, an all-new 2011 Odyssey with its aggressive stance and sporty lightning bolt beltline, that I'm actually getting paid by Honda.
I'm going to launch a blog in which I'll ramble about the exciting things that happen to me while writing columns. I'll blog about how my mother always phones to see if I've written anything funny just as I'm about to think of something funny, and how we spend the next hour trying to come up with an entry for The New Yorker magazine's weekly cartoon caption contest, which we never win, even though I seriously believe many of my entries have been superior to those the judges picked. And who, exactly, are these judges anyway?
I'll also be able to blog about a lot of stuff that editors and readers keep telling me no one cares about, but which I think are kind of interesting. For instance, I intend to blog about the fact that official scorers in Major League baseball are much kinder to fielders than they are in my men's amateur league. Sun in your eyes? Ball hits a pebble? Turn the wrong way? Don't worry, in the Majors its a hit! Stuff like that.
I'm installing a webcam on my computer so readers will be able to go online and watch me write 24/7. In order to make it more interesting, and to address the fact that I only manage to write 2/5, I've placed a monitor behind my desk so lurkers can see LolCats.com in the background.
From now on I'm going to Tweet when I get an idea for a story. For example: researching Biden fave BBQ recipes, 2500 wds.
I've hired hourly workers in Singapore to develop apps for my columns. So far they've come up with an app that tells what time it is wherever I'm writing.
On the advice of industry pundits, I've decided not to erect a pay wall around my content. This is a huge gamble, because with millions and millions of Net surfers out there, if just one would pay me $19.95 per month, I'd have almost $20.
This is kind of cool: I'm going to record myself reading everything I write and make it available as a Podcast. I've often heard that audiences enjoy letting their imaginations run wild when listening to writers painting delightful word pictures, so I'll be offering my downloads for just 99 cents.
From now on, you'll find a considerable number of hyperlinks in my writing. These can be annoying, I know, because they're going to appear in different colors and some will be underlined. On the bright side, I'll be sending readers to sites that will pay me money for each click.
I'm going to offer RSS feeds as soon as I learn more about how to do that.
I think this new "model" is going to provide me with more lift than I've been getting with the old model, which I first developed when they stopped selling ribbons for my IBM Selectric.
I'm sure to wind up with many new followers, Tiger Woods.
©2010 Peter Funt. This column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc. newspaper syndicate. For info call Cari Dawson Bartley at 800 696 7561 or e-mail [email protected].
Peter Funt writes about newspapers at www.FuntonFronts.com and is a writer and public speaker. He's also the long-time host of "Candid Camera." A collection of his DVDs is available at www.candidcamera.com.