“I’m here and I’m ready, they’re not. Bring it!” exclaimed television star and hooker-addicted cokehead Charlie Sheen, calling into “The Dan Patrick Show” a couple of weeks ago to let producers know he’s ready to return to filming “Two And A Half Men.”

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Well, Sheen did a funny thing and decided to call into “The Alex Jones Show” to prove he’s 100 percent clean and ready to go. “Here’s your first pee test, next one goes in your mouth,” Sheen said. “No, you won’t get high.”

I don’t know exactly which part producers of “Two And A Half Men” heard before pulling the plug on the rest of this season’s production. It might have been when he called “Two And A Half Men” creator Chuck Lorre a “clown” and a “turd,” and referred to him as “Chaim Levine,” the Hebrew translation of Lorre’s birth name, causing some to draw comparisons to Hollywood’s favorite anti-semite, Mel Gibson.

The only difference ““ at least Mel didn’t think his rants were public.

“I was referring to Chuck by this real name, because I wanted to address the man, not the bulls**t TV persona,” Sheen told TMZ.com. “So you’re telling me, anytime someone calls me Carlos Estevez, I can claim they are anti-Latino?”

Point Sheen.

Maybe Lorre was really miffed when Sheen proudly scoffed that he “embarrassed [Lorre] in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that this un-evolved mind cannot process,” and added, “I’ve spent, I think, close to the last decade, I don’t know, effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.”

Or maybe it was when he called TMZ and challenged Lorre to a fight in the octagon.

“If he wins, then he can leave my show,” Sheen said.

Sheen also went on to say he “violently hate[s]” Lorre, whom he called “a stupid, stupid little man” and a “pu**y punk that I’d never want to be like.”

“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels, especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly, I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

Sheen’s rant wasn’t just directed at Lorre or his happy Two And A Half-Men family. He went through a litany of items usually reserved for crazy people to write on walls with their own feces.

Sheen referred to Alcoholics Anonymous as a “bootleg cult” founded by an LSD addict who wrote a “book of lies,” and whose success rate is only “five percent,” while his is “one-hundred percent. Do the math!”

“Newsflash,” he added. “I am special and I will never be one of you.”

For the record, Sheen says he cured himself with his own mind, so deal with it. In fact, the only thing he says he’s addicted to right now is “winning.” Wonder how he characterizes his show being canceled.

Changing gears and speaking in a more modest tone, Sheen told Jones that “most of the time””and this includes naps””I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.” Not sure if he was referring to his many sexual escapades with heroin-riddled prostitutes or what must be the logical end to the average night for the often-inebriated TV star.

Regardless, Sheen wants everyone to know that he’s not a “soft target,” and characterizes his appearance on “The Alex Jones Show” as not an interview but a “warning,” boasting that he has “an army of assassins” at the ready and “silent secret soldiers all around you.”

In fact, after one rant, Alex Jones told Sheen he sounds like Thomas Jefferson. Charlie’s response, “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pu***y! But I dare anyone to debate me on things.”

No debate here. I don’t remember reading Jefferson ever referring to John Adams and George Washington as “Vatican assassin warlocks” or “fools and trolls.” But I do know that Sheen would party harder with Sally Hemings than Jefferson could have ever imagined.

I just can’t wait until they start filming “Major League 4.” If he’s this angry about the creator of one of television’s most successful shows, I wonder what Sheen will say about having to work with Corbin Bernsen again.


Rob Tornoe is a cartoonist for The Press of Atlantic City and Editor & Publisher. He’s also the editor of Punchline. Reach him at [email protected].