Here’s the simple solution to all of our problems with health care reform: GIVE SENATOR JOE LIEBERMAN EVERYTHING HE WANTS! Absolutely everything. The Senate may be half-way there way already, and the rest of Congress should follow suit.

Really, the man from Aetna, er, Connecticut, will stand for nothing less!

Public Option — gone! Medicare for folks age 55 to 64 — kaput! My advice? Whatever amendments Joe wants kept out of the final bill, kill ’em! Whatever Lieberman-authored amendments are presented on the floor of the Senate — praise them mightily and vote them in, unanimously!  Eliminate all corporate taxes for Aetna? If Joe insists upon it, thy will be done! And should Joe still feel the urge to filibuster the final measure, for God’s sake let the man kvetch! On whatever topics he wants, for as long as he wants. Television broadcasting should be locked onto C-Span, so we can hang onto Joe’s every public utterance, and laugh at every one of his lame, recycled jokes. Let his remarks in the public record be “revised and extended” in perpetuity.

Let’s face it: Whatever watered-down, unfathomable hodgepodge of health care “reforms” finally emerges from the U.S. Senate, it will have Joe Lieberman’s sticky fingerprints all over it. And when the Senate and House are ready to reconcile their differences, let Joe Lieberman set the agenda. The less we see of Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid during this messy process, or Mitch McConnell or John Boener, the better. It should be “The Joe Show.”

When the massive bill finally reaches President Obama’s desk, let’s not call it “health care reform,” or even “health INSURANCE reform,” for it won’t reflect either of those noble pursuits. Rather, the legislation should be heralded as…LIEBERCARE! Let’s have the Health & Human Services Department issue all Americans…LIEBERCARDS. And each card should carry a small hologram of Joe Lieberman’s clownish visage in its top right corner.

Then, whatever goes awry with the implementation of the so-called reforms, be it wholescale rationing, death panels or higher taxes, we can all blame it on one man — Connecticut’s august junior senator. Not Obama, Not the Democrats. Not even the just-say-no Republicans. Just Lieberman. After all, if anything about “Liebercare” goes the least bit right, you can bet ol’ Joe will take credit for it.

Yes, the sarcasm here is intentional. Thanks for putting up with it. If you’d like to see additional samples of my work, please click here.