It seems everybody gets their own pet conspiracy these days: Birthers, Birchers, Deathers, Truthers and whatever you call the people who won’t get their kids inoculated. According to the theories, nothing is as it seems and everyone is in on it. Following this reasonable assumption, I’ve come up with my own. Here it is: former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Congressman Paul Ryan from Wisconsin are all Democratic plants.

Michael Steele RNC bondage lesbians

Cartoon by Mike Luckovich - Atlanta Journal-Constitution (click to comment)

It’s true. I have proof. The signs are everywhere. It’s so painfully obvious:

Who has been a bigger boon to the Democratic Party than Sarah Palin? There’s no way that’s for real. Come on, no one had ever heard of her and then suddenly she’s tanking the GOP’s presidential bid? That’s not suspicious? The press called her behavior “going rogue,” I call it taking orders from the opposition. So you’re going to run for Vice President and you’re not going to read up on the issues? Putin rearing his head? Wear a quarter of a million dollar donated wardrobe while giving speeches about fiscal conservatism? Use the catch-phrase “palling around with terrorists” while you’re schtuping a secessionist? It’s plain to see: she was working with David Axelrod and David Plouffe to get Obama into the White House.

Then with her help, Obama won (of course) by a huge margin. No one figured out that she was a double agent after losing the election? Then just to make the greenhorn Democrats seem more steady at the wheel she quit her job as a governor during one of the worst economic times since the Great Depression. Now she’s out to sabotage the Tea Parties by speaking on their behalf while taking six figure speaking fees from them. How was she not pretending she couldn’t remember a thing like “lift American’s spirits.” It’s insultingly clear! She even stumped for Senator John McCain last week in Tucson and said “some may claim that John was there at that first Tea Party.” Jokes about McCain being old? Really? Doesn’t that sound like something a Democrat would say about him? Yes. Yes it does.

And RNC Chairman Michael Steele, are we really supposed to believe in this phony “Bizarro Obama” act? POLITICO stated he’s spending twice as much as his predecessors on private planes, limos and flowers while trying to co-opt populist outrage. And now there are reports the FEC is investigating nearly two grand of RNC donor money being spent at a bondage theme club last February in West Hollywood. The same club Lindsay Lohan frequents just before she checks back into rehab. So far Steele is claiming it wasn’t him, although it still accomplishes his goal as a Trojan Horse. How much more does he need to spell it out for us: he’s in cahoots with the Democrats. He’s been working hard at it too, “honest Injun.” It’s not like he’s working on the shattered party ““ he’s writing books and taking speaking fees while chairman. Who is going to come out against empathy when the economy is in freefall besides someone trying to make the DNC look better? “Crazy nonsense empathetic. I’ll give you empathy. Empathize right on your behind. Craziness,” said Steele during the Sonia Sotomayor hearings. I wonder which of Obama’s speechwriters gave him that gem.

Do I need to draw a map for you people? Where’s my chalkboard? I don’t want any of you to freak out since my conspiracy has nothing to do with Nazis or Chairman Mao. Of course, that’s what they’d want you to think.

I brought up Congressman Ryan because he outed himself as an Obama plant last week. After health care reform was signed into law, he penned (allegedly) an op/ed in the New York Times. The title of the piece was “Fix Health Reform, Then Repeal It.” Why would you need to fix something if you’re just going to repeal it? Wasn’t that the unbelievable plotline for the movie Wolverine?! It doesn’t make any sense unless you’re really in the tank for Obamacare. Clean up the house, demolish it, and then listen to us about government waste. He’s clearly trying to make a mockery of Republicans.

Oh yes, we’re through the looking glass here people.

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Tina Dupuy is an award-winning writer and the editor of FishbowlLA.com. Tina can be reached at [email protected], and follow her on twitter @TinaDupuy