You know what’s never been said? “We should have MORE Republican primary debates.” Why? Because there are (by my count) 734,589 debates this election cycle and not enough hours in the day (spent working harder for less money) to watch eight Republican candidates stand around agreeing with each other for two hours every night.

And that’s really the thing – they all agree with each other. They want to kill regulations by dubbing them “job killers.” They want to kill jobs by calling job killers “job creators.” They want poor people to feel good about giving the wealthy their stuff and the wealthy to feel at ease about poor people NOT taking their stuff. And they want to cut government jobs to create other alleged jobs (wink, wink). And they want to stand up for the sanctity of life and the virtue of executions. They want government out of your life unless your womb is functioning. Then government is the only way to regulate it!

Pat Bagley / Salt Lake Tribune (click to view more Bagley cartoons)

Oh and they all just hate Obamacare. They hate their party’s previous idea for health care reform because it’s tainted by anti-Republican Obama cooties. Yes, socialist, only-maybe-born-here cooties! And cootie vaccinations have been linked to mental retardation, which is both an explanation AND a warning.

The housing crisis? They blame Fannie and Freddie…but not the “banks.” They believe marriage is between and man and a corporation. They love business and their favorite size is small to go with their small towns. They have Nixon’s Environmental Protection Agency in their crosshairs. Yes, they have an affinity for pollution because it smells like New New Neo-Con. Smog is just the Lord’s way of telling us our engines are running!

And they hate the bailouts and pretend George W. Bush didn’t do it (or anything else).

At a recent Republican event I attended in DC there was a booth set up where you could put on a Reagan mask and have your picture taken. If that’s not a metaphor for the record number of Republican candidates in the record number of primary debates – I don’t know what is.

Reagan? Totally awesome in every way. Mention that he raised taxes WHILE still tripling the debt and gave millions of illegal immigrants amnesty and there is a Rick Perry-sized blank stare coming your way.

Tax cuts! Oh are they ever for tax cuts. Taxes should always go down unless they’re flat. And flat taxes, those are on the way up!

They don’t believe in climate change or evolution – just punitive hurricanes and social Darwinism.

And they love guns. Everyone should be armed because everyone who loves guns (they assume) loves them because they LOVE guns.

The Second is the best when it comes to Amendments. They like the First okay unless it’s protesters who don’t pay them a speaking fee…or the press. Oh that media…they only have 564,345 chances to get their message across to the voters without the filter of the mainstream media. The injustice of it all!

And, yes, they want to waterboard prisoners – as if it’s not evident by the sheer NUMBER of debates – they are all very pro-torture.

“Oh but Tina, you don’t have to watch them all. You have a choice.”

No, no I don’t. I cover politics. I have to watch 383 hours a week of Republican debates for the next year because I never developed any usable skills. This is my penance for failing to make it as a paleontologist (first problem is I never tried). So now, I don’t have a choice. I’m stuck with my fate.

The point is: It’s too late for me. Save yourself.


Tina Dupuy is an award-winning writer and the managing editor of Crooks and Liars. Tina can be reached at [email protected].

Follow Tina on Twitter: @TinaDupuy