Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
It doesn't matter whether you're a Glenn Beck-quoting, gun-toting, Tea Party-voting Evangelical, or a solar-heating, tofu-eating, New York Times crossword puzzle-cheating Environmentalist, you still got to admire the way the president breathed life into the health care reform bill. It was a gosh-darn miracle. Coming right at the advent of the Holy Season. Coincidence? Well, yeah, okay, probably. But. still.
Think of the wondrous accomplishments he's already racked up, like casting out the unclean spirit that controlled John McCain and changing the inevitability of Hillary Clinton into a whine, and you've made a pretty good case for the second coming of that Jewish hippie kid who pissed off the Romans so much a couple centuries ago. Although fully 25 percent of Republicans believe the President is the Anti-Christ, it seems most of us agree he has supernatural powers; we just can't agree as to whether they come from above or below.
Don't forget Obama won the Nobel Prince of Peace Prize after being in office only 12 days before nominations were closed. Then consider a black man walking on the waters of racial dissension to the promised land of the White House. If those aren't bolts shot through the clouds straight out of heaven, what are? Obama is even credited by surviving members of The Grateful Dead for getting the band back together last year. So not only did he raise health care from the dead, he also raised the Dead from the dead. Red, blue or purple, you got to admit, that's good.
Come to think of it, there are quite a few similarities between POTUS and that Nazareth carpenter's son. Both born in semi-tropical climes. In mangers. To virgins. One was visited by three wise men, another spends time with Rahm Emmanuel. The two undoubtedly were equally hated by classmates for ruining the curve in 5th grade social studies. They both disappeared for about a dozen years to work as community activists. One had an acolyte named Lincoln, the other a disciple named Kennedy.
Jesus forgave his crucifiers. Obama forgave the Salahis. Mary's son healed the lame while Ann's son calmed the turbulent Democrats. Artists throughout time have depicted the Savior with overly large ears similar to the Defying Hawaiian. And spiritual followers alter time itself in reference to their particular philosopher king's existence. AD & AO (After Obama); 2008 marking the beginning of the New New Testament.
Light of the World or not, the only question Americans are interested in is, "What have you done for us lately?" If he wants to extend his realm here on earth (or D.C.), he's going to have to pick up the pace and replicate further feats outside the bounds of natural law. Such as driving out the money lenders. Or at least quieting the stormy seas of Wall Street. True believers are holding out for a campaign of casting a few or five demons from the Supreme Court.
Of course, feeding the multitudes is always nice: you know, like about 310,000,000 US citizens, 9.7 percent of whom are still out of work. I imagine healing the leper that is the U..S economy right now might be too much to ask. Then again, what was it that Deadheads used to say outside of venues: "I Need a Miracle"? We're all Deadheads these days. Just stay away from the brown antacid.
Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comic who writes sometimes, this being an apparent example. His new CD, "Raging Moderate," released this week from Stand-Up Records, is available both on ITunes and Amazon. And don't forget, he's hosting Showtime's "The Green Collar Comedy Show" on Thursday, April 22 at 9 p.m.
Copyright ©2010, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail [email protected]. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at [email protected]. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing," is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don't forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.