Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
To say the news coming out of the Gulf is not what you call encouraging is like saying it's been a rough week for Dennis Hopper. And it's making people crazy. No. Really. Crazy. Louisiana native and Democratic strategist James Carville went off on the President like a string of overstuffed firecrackers in a pot-bellied stove. And for Carville to savage the leader of his own party either means he's mad as hell and can't take it anymore or his wife Mary Matalin's naggingly oppressive monotonic brain-washing has achieved full saturation. I would hazard a bit of both.
You got Republicans calling for domestic government intervention. While on the other side of Loopyville, some Dems are screaming for the military to take over. What the hell do they expect the Army to be able to do that BP can't, shoot it? Surround the mil- deep spill, capture and occupy it? Proceed to win its hearts and minds? Hey, Alice, which way out of this rabbit hole?
Outside of that stone plug that Jack used in "Lost," BP appears to have tried everything: Top Hat. Top Kill. Top Cat. Top Chef. Topkapi. Topographical maps. Topol. Topamax. Topo Gigio. But thus far, the only thing they've managed to accomplish is to make the spill very, very angry. Not as angry as folks near the affected areas who just want to get back to their lives. Especially in the wake of the recent "We're BP and we're so sorry" ad campaign that's costing millions to air in lieu of expediting financial claims. Destined to rank right up there with marrying a Kardashian, for worst PR move, EVER.
Now word comes down the plumey pike that the wound we opened in the lower epidermis of the Earth might not be closed until a relief well is finished sometime in August, so perhaps we should accept the fact that the Gulf is short-term doomed and start to seek out the bright sides of the BP Oil Spill.
America has always been the Imperial Wizard of the International Optimists League. And now is a perfect time for us to jump back into the silver lining business. Because when this country is handed lemons, we make lemonade. All we need is a couple of dump trucks full of sugar and, ironically, some clean water.
TOP 15 BRIGHT SIDES OF THE BP OIL SPILL:
"¢ Your shrimp dish comes pre-marinated.
"¢ Newly affordable waterfront properties.
"¢ Frolicsome beachside tar-ball fights.
"¢ Gulf Coast salad dressing: just add vinegar.
"¢ Jet Skis able to refuel mid-trip.
"¢ Lubricated Jelly Fish.
"¢ Mortared with oil and tar, sand castles now tide-proof.
"¢ Fewer silly election-year cries of "Drill, Baby, Drill."
"¢ No more squeaky oysters.
"¢ Need an oil change? Wander down to water's edge and squeegee a duck.
"¢ Hot enough day, and voila: the world's largest fish fry.
"¢ Don't bother drilling for oil, the oil is coming to us.
"¢ Romantic beach bonfires 24/7.
"¢Â Wriggling out of your tight swimsuit is a breeze.
"¢ Every Gulf dock and pier instantly doubles as a Slip 'n Slide.
Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comic who often writes. This being an evident example. Catch his one-man show, "The Lieutenant Governor from the State of Confusion," at a performing arts center near you. His new CD, "Raging Moderate" from Stand Up! Records, is now available on both iTunes and Amazon.
Copyright ©2010, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail [email protected]. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at [email protected]. Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing," is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don't forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.