Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
WHAT YOU NEED TO PLAY:
Four taxpayers of any sex: One rich white banker-type wearing a Suit. Cuff links would be nice. 1 person in a Blue work Shirt, another in a White shirt and one wearing Rags that in a former life might have been an integral part of a frantic escape through the sewers of Paris. At high tide.
The four group around a cocktail table directly in front of a television with newspapers laid on the table and floor.
One shot glass per person. Everybody brings own and places on table. Suit gets first pick for use during game. White Shirt picks next, then Blue Shirt. Suit pockets last glass as well, and Rags either rents it, borrows a replacement from kitchen or drinks out of own cupped hands.
Twenty-buck ante for White & Blue Shirt. Suit throws in a quarter while Rags can write an IOU.
Fondue pot on table with two packages of Li'l Smokies stewing in Hawaiian barbecue sauce, surrounded by 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags wrapped around the top.
A large stash of canned beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff that can be found, like Old Milwaukee Ice Dry Light; Suit gets to drink whatever import he requests; Shirts get to pick favorite domestic, but are required to pay for beer, Li'l Smokies and accouterments.
RULES OF THE GAME:
1. Whenever Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship or working across the aisle, everybody drinks a shot of beer.
2. Everybody drinks two shots of beer if Speaker Boehner starts to cry. An entire can if he breaks down sobbing or disappears from view.
3. If Barack H. Obama ever says "Democratic leadership," everybody must drink a whole beer then throw empty can at television. Anybody who hits Harry Reid is exempt from drinking three more shots of beer.
4. If he tells a folksy tale with a deeper meaning about not leaving before the job is done, the last person to throw their arms in the air, fall to their knees and shout "Hallelujah!" has to drink an entire beer.
5. Whenever president mentions liberty or freedom of the proud Afghani people, stand up, salute with your right hand and drink shot of beer with left. If he talks about the liberty or freedom of the American people, stand up, salute with left hand and drink shot of beer with right. First person to mess up has to drink two more shots.
6. If president says the State of the Union is good, but could be better, first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking one shot of beer and gets to pummel Suit with empty shot glass. No head shots.
7. If Obama mentions the word "drone" everybody immediately makes continuous droning noises. First person to run out of breath has to drink two shots of beer.
8. Every time Barack Obama mentions immigration, last person to eat two Li'l Smokies has to drink two shots of beer. Use toothpicks.
9. If Vice President Joe Biden is caught nodding off, last person to start singing "Wake Up, Little Susie" has to drink three shots of beer.
10. Whenever the president talks about his resolve and adopts a frowny look with his brow all furrowed and stuff, everybody throws Li'l Smokies at the television. The first person to hit Nancy Pelosi in the head is exempt from having to drink two shots of beer. Toothpick use optional.
11. If Barack tells heartfelt story of banker with heart of gold, Suit gets to kick everyone else once. Twice if subject is in the audience. If sitting next to a general, the number of times equal to the amount of stars.
Anybody who can identify person giving Republican Response doesn't have to watch it.
Suit takes home cash, discarding the IOU.
Whoever comes closest to guessing number of Standing Os takes home leftover beer after Rags finishes cleaning up.
Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst's new e-book, "Elect to Laugh!" published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Go to willdurst.com for info on stand-up performances, such as next week in Tahoe & Reno.
Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail [email protected] Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at [email protected] Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing," is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don't forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.