Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
The U.S. Supreme Court must love the nightlife, because they just struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and invalidated California's Proposition 8, which set off parties in every major city in the America. They were dancing in the streets so long and hard it was raining men... and women. 10,000 kudos to all our friends in the LGBT community for finally upgrading out of societal steerage into economy.
You have survived. Your hearts must be so over the rainbow, both the hearts and the rainbows are having babies right now. Cakes are being baked and balloons blown in your honor as we speak. You are one notarized slip of paper away from joining the heterosexual world in holy matrimony. Congratulations. You now have the legal right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
So sorry you had to wait. The deal is, a lot of bitter old people had to die first. You know. Tiny-brained folks that went to their last dance still believing professional wrestling is legitimate. So maybe this time, the answer to your question "do you really want to hurt me" will be a resoundingly choral "no."
But that is nothing more than wet towels on the shower floor at the YMCA now, because you are within a hair's breadth of becoming intimate with the blessed institution of marriage. You are family -- almost. And many have shown interest in voluntary commitment to that institution. Good luck. But be careful what you wish for. Don't want to rain on your parade, but you've just entered the wild and wacky world of unintended consequences.
A quick and dirty primer for the wedding deprived:
#1. Bigamy is the crime of having one spouse too many. The same has often been said of monogamy.
#2. When you see a married couple holding hands, chances are it's to keep from strangling each other.
#3. In the beginning, marriage is a noun. Later on, it's a sentence.
#4. After a few years, the only thing most couples have in common is they were married on the same day.
#5. Marriage may be a blessed sacrament, but so are the last rites.
And don't forget, as beautiful and sacred as the start of a marriage can be, that's how ugly and grotesque the ending can get. The bad news is 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. The good news is the other 50 percent end in death. There's truth in the old adage that the reason divorces are so expensive is because they're worth it.
Alimony. Child support. In-laws. Headaches. Jealousy, betrayal, money. Hair in the sink. Puce cabinets. All that to look forward to: plus you are in imminent danger of experiencing direct contact with lawyers. The remakes of that 1934 Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire classic, "The Gay Divorcee" will be legion. But you will make even divorce look fabulous.
So, right now, relax. Tell yourself, "I'm too sexy for any downer talk." Take a walk on the wild side because you're coming out to be Dancing Queens and Kings, Just wake me up before you go-go. Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. Sorry. Couldn't figure out how to slip that in. And what the hell, join the Navy.
Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst's new one-man show, "BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG," is presented every Tuesday at The Marsh, San Francisco. Go to... themarsh.org for more info. Use code "boomer".
Copyright ©2013, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Contact Cari Dawson-Bartley at [email protected] Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. Email Will at [email protected] Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing," is available from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours. Don't forget to check out his rooftop comedy minutes at: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst.