Ring. Ring.

“Hello, this is Tom.”

“We know who you are, Tom.”

“Who is this? How’d you get my smartphone number?”

“Your personal details are everywhere, Tom — public records, websites and apps you’ve downloaded.”

“I didn’t give you permission!”

“Sure you did, Tom. You shared your phone number, address and Social Security number every time you opened a credit card, made an online purchase or filed taxes.”

“This is outrageous.”

“What’s outrageous, Tom, is that your Social Security number is used for more than 60 Congressionally approved purposes — everything from passports to Medicare.”

“It is?”

“Absolutely, Tom. Every bank account, credit card, tax record, loan, hospital visit and insurance claim is tied to that number. Data brokers use it to build a fat file on you they can sell to marketers, insurance companies and even thieves.”

“Thieves?”

“Identity theft, Tom. Hackers open credit cards, file fake tax returns or refinance your house in your name — destroying your credit for years. Don’t get me started about all the new gadgets in your home.”

“What gadgets?”

“Your Ring doorbell shows when you’re home or away — a treasure trove for burglars who can potentially hack Ring’s data.”

“Really?”

“Be wary of Alexa, Tom. For the right price, she might tell Domino’s how vulnerable you are to meat-lovers pizza after 9 p.m.”

“Alexa would never!”

“Never, Tom? There have been multiple lawsuits against Amazon alleging Alexa privacy violations. Amazon even paid $25 million to the FTC for violating children’s privacy by storing their voice recordings. You have to admit, marketers would love to know your in-home habits and desires.”

“That’s creepy.”

“Here’s what’s really creepy, Tom. Facebook automatically accesses your photos, contacts, posts and location history unless you deactivate those features.”

“Why?”

“One reason is to keep you on its app 24/7, Tom. You didn’t think it was odd to get a friend suggestion from your IRS auditor?”

“I thought she liked me.”

“Tom, your phone pings towers, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth everywhere you go. Facebook knows everywhere you’ve been.”
“It does?”

“And Google keeps your search history forever, Tom, unless you set it to auto-delete, which few people do.”
“No!”

“I got a kick out of one of your favorite search terms, Tom: ‘Madonna, bikini, before she turned 50.’”
“Surely, TikTok is safe now?”

“Good one, Tom. Trump’s $14 billion deal would spin off TikTok’s U.S. business into a new venture with Oracle, which stores the data in America and submits to audits to block China’s access. But TikTok will still mine your info to sell you junk — just like Facebook and Google.”

“Is anything safe?”

“Not in the digital world, Tom. Hackers using AI are cranking out scam emails and deepfake phone calls so realistic, you’ll swear they’re really from your mom. And avatars are so lifelike they’re already tricking employees in Zoom meetings into wiring millions to fraudsters.”

“These technologies are invading my privacy!”

“Privacy, Tom? The Constitution doesn’t guarantee an explicit right to data privacy. Congress is tossing around bills, such as the American Data Privacy and Protection Act, which has stalled. Some states have enacted a patchwork of laws. But data privacy remains a big challenge in the U.S.”

“Look, I’ve had enough of you. Who are you?”

“Sorry, Tom. That information is private.”

–

Copyright 2025 Tom Purcell, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

See Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and funny videos featuring his dog, Thurber, at TomPurcell.com. Email him at [email protected].